Patience til the End

[22 Years and It's Over]

Hi
I hope many of you will gain insight into people on the spectrum although each and every person is different and functions at a different level.. One thing I never managed to work out was where behaviour due to being on the spectrum stopped and the personality/character took over.

I had been with my Asperger's husband for nearly 22 years and 2 weeks ago he decided to divorce me..
We had flirted with each other as teenagers however we each went in different directions and met again after each of us had been previously married and each of us had adult children.

The story is complicated so I will share it as questions are asked of me.

To commence the story a short summary:

We re-met at a dinner 22 years ago and since we had seen each other on and off at social or business venues over the years we welcomed each other warmly as old friends and instant attraction.

I knew there was something different about his behaviour but couldn't put my finger on it.. Whatever it was I found him predictable and something I learned to deal with even thought at times on a regular basis I was very distressed - the only sure thing was that we loved each other.

A few months later after having spent a few nights a week together he asked me to move in.
A couple of years later we married
Ten years later he retired.
Five years home 24/7 and I began having major daily stress owing to his depression and more and more awkward conversation which is normal for a professional man after retirement and so that is what I simply needed to deal with...
I noticed his conversation becoming more and more odd and took him to see a geriatrician..it wasn't dementia... we sought counselling.. the psychologists wanted to see him again and not me... he refused to go on his own saying the issues were both out faults...in reality in his mind one has to admit that he found me as an NT as difficult as I found him still without any diagnosis as to the cause of what his differences were to me..

Financial difficulties hit and we had to move from our house...We ended up living separately and there is another story behind the why..We had planned to discuss what we would do, either rent or downsize.

He went away to find himself - we moved separately - a few weeks later after doing some research I worked out that he probably had Aspergers syndrome and he agreed to see a specialist psychologist .. He admitted he always had had problems integrating with life in general and was bullied at school...the psychologist confirmed my beliefs...A week later I was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer - he took off his wedding ring and told me I didn't need him anymore and couldn't have intimated relations so he would need it from elsewhere..That was five years ago... I underwent chemotherapy for 18 months and it took another 3 years to reach what I considered to be as close to my previous me as I would get..which brings me to the present time.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome to AC, this is a good place to be. So sorry this has happened to you. Perhaps you could clarify what you are looking for here?

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

Welcome to AC, this is a good place to be. So sorry this has happened to you. Perhaps you could clarify what you are looking for here?

I have no idea - maybe support that I am not crazy

 

[LucyPurrs]

I wonder why he waited almost 5 years after taking off his ring to decide to divorce you. I don't believe the way he's treated you is based on his being an aspie.

 

[watersprite]

welcome.
Do you think you might be on the spectrum?
Otherwise, not sure what is to be gained by coming here, at this point in your story.
Sorry this happened. Life does get really weird doesn't it.

 

[onlything]

So... he left you when you were diagnosed with a cancer? Saying that you didn't need him? I don't see logic in this.

Sorry it happened to you but I'm not exactly sure what do you need from us. You seem reasonable enough, the only thing that went crazy is your life mostly. If you are looking for information on Asperger's, ask, but if you're looking for a support due to experiences you went through, as they clearly are still on your mind after all these years, maybe some other place would provide you with more help, for example 7cups.

It's not to mean that we don't want you here but we may not be able to help you, as many of us are more inclined to give an analysis of a situation or an advice, instead of an emotional support.

 

[Nitro]

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

I wonder why he waited almost 5 years after taking off his ring to decide to divorce you. I don't believe the way he's treated you is based on his being an aspie.

Even though we didn't live together we saw each other daily and we have a love and connection between us. My chemotherapy lasted for 18 months and he would take me to all my appointments and when I was having a good day we would go out for coffee etc..
He spoke of wanting to be with other women and I was ok with that since I was ill and knew he didn't undertand - but I also explained to him that I could not predict my reaction afterwards. He loved me and did not want to risk our relationship changing..We both have family overseas and visited them separately over the past year once I had become my new self..
He is a good man and lent me money ( on which I paid him interest )whilst I was ill and in May last year he asked for it back...I sold my house and repaid him in October 2017..The way he acted about the money was a lot to do with character but also "Aspi" related in a different way....

Once he had his principal returned (October 2017) and I also had no financial obligation I called him on not wanting to see him every day and I pulled away.. Of course after a couple of months he saw the situation for what it was on the surface...firstly we didnt live together....secondly I wouldn't sleep with him and finally there was no financial interest holding us together...
He told me he had asked a lady to go out with him but she wouldn't go unless he was divorced...I believe that was the trigger.

He checked with his male friends that since I wouldn't sleep with him and we lived separately that divorce made sense and of course they agreed because he did not tell them why I wouldn't sleep with him which was because of his aspi behaviour in the bedroom (that's all I will say about that)- It only took a couple of weeks from then until now.

Here is the ASPI behaviour: Two weeks ago he made arrangements with an aquaintance to go to a bar for drinks with a singles group so they could meet some women... I was sitting next to him at the time and the next day I explained that his social behaviour was unacceptable..He couldn't understand that anything was wrong because that was the truth and the rest of the world tell lies..
I told him his chat had embarrassed me. He saw my request as controlling...He wanted his freedom without being "told what to do" - told me he couldn't be discreet and said the only way he could have freedom was to divorce ...
He asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said no that I would stand by him and his syndrome and that I only asked for one thing which was discretion. He said he didn't want to divorce me either but that was the only way.
He cannot process and therefore has no short term memory of incidentals which happen around him.

I reminded him that a couple of weeks ago he told me he loved me and now he says he doesn't and his impulsive behaviour would possibly change his way of thinking within a week or two as it always had done in the past. He agreed.

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

welcome.
Do you think you might be on the spectrum?
Otherwise, not sure what is to be gained by coming here, at this point in your story.
Sorry this happened. Life does get really weird doesn't it.

I am definitely NOT on the spectrum

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

So... he left you when you were diagnosed with a cancer? Saying that you didn't need him? I don't see logic in this.

Sorry it happened to you but I'm not exactly sure what do you need from us. You seem reasonable enough, the only thing that went crazy is your life mostly. If you are looking for information on Asperger's, ask, but if you're looking for a support due to experiences you went through, as they clearly are still on your mind after all these years, maybe some other place would provide you with more help, for example 7cups.

It's not to mean that we don't want you here but we may not be able to help you, as many of us are more inclined to give an analysis of a situation or an advice, instead of an emotional support.

...I didn't mean that the forum would give me support - more that I would gain my own self support by being able to analyse situations by expressinng them in writing and hoping others can find their reality in some of the things I say.
I am a Nationally qualified Mediator and have a Masters Degree in Dispute Resolution.. and may be able to assist others with their dilemmas

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

...I didn't mean that the forum would give me support - more that I would gain my own self support by being able to analyse situations by expressinng them in writing and hoping others can find their reality in some of the things I say.
I am a Nationally qualified Mediator and have a Masters Degree in Dispute Resolution.. and may be able to assist others with their dilemmas

PS Wanting to leave me after my diagnosis is a very ASPI thing to do.. He could not see what place he had.... .his routine had been disrupted..etc..he was on overlaod .....all from his perspective...

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

welcome.
Do you think you might be on the spectrum?
Otherwise, not sure what is to be gained by coming here, at this point in your story.
Sorry this happened. Life does get really weird doesn't it.

thank you - Life is extremely unpredictable and weird

 

[pjcnet]

His actions you've described don't sound like autistic traits and in fact aspies are more often loyal and faithful, I don't know the full story as to why you started living apart or whether this was anything to do with him being on the autistic spectrum, but it sounds like he treated you horrid with no compassion when you became ill. You seem to be making allowances for his behaviour, however being an aspie isn't a reasonable excuse in this situation.

You sound like a decent person who has been through a lot, well done for getting through it and I hope you meet a better person that is more deserving of your affection.

Welcome to ASPIESCentral and the very best of luck!

 

[Suzanne]

It seems to me that you are separating the "spectrum" to the person and well, let's put it this way: are you an NT and have your own character? Because I am pretty sure that you would laugh at that and say: of course not, I am me! And there lays the answer.

In fact, my husband would be nodding his head in avid agreement with your thread, because on a daily basis he tells me that I am illogical to the extent that he feels he needs to teach me and yet, that confuses me, because I am VERY LOGICAL person and others have said so!

You say that his bedroom behaviour is not fitting for someone who has gone through chemo? I take it he is very rough? Etc?

But just on a pointer regarding telling him he is inappropriate. When I read that part, I heard my husband's voice; extremely dictorial, which automatically takes away a valid lesson we can learn about social interactions.

What inappropriate behaviour does he display, that you felt the need to lecture him on?

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

His actions you've described don't sound like autistic traits and in fact aspies are more often loyal and faithful, I don't know the full story as to why you started living apart or whether this was anything to do with him being on the autistic spectrum, but it sounds like he treated you horrid with no compassion when you became ill. You seem to be making allowances for his behaviour due to him being on the autistic spectrum, however this isn't a reasonable excuse in this situation.

You sound like a decent person who has been through a lot, well done for getting through it and I hope you meet a better person that is more deserving of your affection.

Welcome to ASPIESCentral and the very best of luck!

Thank you for your comments - earlier today in another comment i explained how ther separation occurred...He is actually and extremely loyal person - he only ever spoke about such things which is an Aspi trait of always stating what's on his mind - and never acted on them - his behaviour is both Aspi and character mixed and difficult to find where they overlap - thanks for your well wishes - I am now 72 and extremely happy to have called his bluff on the divorce and now I am free

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

It seems to me that you are separating the "spectrum" to the person and well, let's put it this way: are you an NT and have your own character? Because I am pretty sure that you would laugh at that and say: of course not, I am me! And there lays the answer.

In fact, my husband would be nodding his head in avid agreement with your thread, because on a daily basis he tells me that I am illogical to the extent that he feels he needs to teach me and yet, that confuses me, because I am VERY LOGICAL person and others have said so!

You say that his bedroom behaviour is not fitting for someone who has gone through chemo? I take it he is very rough? Etc?

But just on a pointer regarding telling him he is inappropriate. When I read that part, I heard my husband's voice; extremely dictorial, which automatically takes away a valid lesson we can learn about social interactions.

What inappropriate behaviour does he display, that you felt the need to lecture him on?

Thank you for your comment - I believe there is a misunderstanding somewhere - Help me get it straight please?
---firstly I am not on the spectrum
---is it you or your husband who is an"aspi" My reading your post thinks it might be you
---my husband didnt have chemo - I did
---your comment on comparing me with your husband is uncalled for in my opinion since I am entitled to call my husband on behaviour which I feel is inappropriate - as follows - I was sitting next to him still married when he made arrangements with a friend to go to a singles bar and find other women....would you sit next to your husband and make arrangements with a girlfriend to go out to a bar to pick up men? .... in most people's language that is not socially acceptable behaviour...

 

[Suzanne]

My reading your post thinks it might be you

It is me who is on the spectrum and so, yep, you got that right.

-your comment on comparing me with your husband is uncalled for in my opinion since I am entitled to call my husband on behaviour which I feel is inappropriate - as follows - I was sitting next to him still married when he made arrangements with a friend to go to a singles bar and find other women....would you sit next to your husband and make arrangements with a girlfriend to go out to a bar to pick up men? .... in most people's language that is not socially acceptable behaviour...

I am so sorry. I must have missed reading the setting you describe, because in fact, it was more than inappropriate, it was disloyal and totally regarding the fact that he is a married man and thus, you do not need that kind of person in your life.

-my husband didnt have chemo - I did

Not sure how my answer stated that it was your husband? I am confused, because I also said about his bedroom antic! Ahhh I think I see now. You read that his bedroom antics would not be good for him, because of chemo? Not at all what I meant.

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

In saying I don't need that kind of person; in fact he is a basically kind and generous man; it is his behaviour and conversation caused by his lack of thought processes which is the problem.. there is a very broad spectrum here about which we are talking...He actually cannot take a cup of tea accross a crouded room because he can't work out how to get past the people and chairs and tables in the way... we go to a cafe and he has to sit in a certain position and moves the table around to suit him...If he is thinking about one thing, he cannot process a second piece of information - yet to all intense and purpose in a group of a few friends when the conversation is light and nobody really pays much attention to what each person is really saying his comments and behaviour appear normal ---if there is such a thing.

 

[onlything]

...I didn't mean that the forum would give me support - more that I would gain my own self support by being able to analyse situations by expressinng them in writing and hoping others can find their reality in some of the things I say.
I am a Nationally qualified Mediator and have a Masters Degree in Dispute Resolution.. and may be able to assist others with their dilemmas

I'm sorry if I sounded rude in my previous post. You don't need a reason to stay here. For all that it's worth, please do if it suits you. You are welcome here, whatever the reason. I'm just concerned if you're going to get here the help you clearly need.

PS Wanting to leave me after my diagnosis is a very ASPI thing to do.. He could not see what place he had.... .his routine had been disrupted..etc..he was on overlaod .....all from his perspective...

No, it doesn't sound like an ASD thing to do. It may seem harsh but it seems like an as*hole thing to do.

In saying I don't need that kind of person; in fact he is a basically kind and generous man; it is his behaviour and conversation caused by his lack of thought processes which is the problem.. there is a very broad spectrum here about which we are talking...He actually cannot take a cup of tea accross a crouded room because he can't work out how to get past the people and chairs and tables in the way... we go to a cafe and he has to sit in a certain position and moves the table around to suit him...If he is thinking about one thing, he cannot process a second piece of information - yet to all intense and purpose in a group of a few friends when the conversation is light and nobody really pays much attention to what each person is really saying his comments and behaviour appear normal ---if there is such a thing.

These are traits that could be on the spectrum, yes. Although, it seems to me that you want to blame all his behaviour on his ASD. It's only a speculation on my part, yes, but this is how it looks to me. Please, do remember that above all, people on the spectrum are just that - people. If you met one, then that's it, you met one, and the ASD traits, although important, are still just part of a full personality.

Edit: Also, one question to you: What do you want from him?
Do you want him to be with you or do you want his idealised version? You talk about his spectrum traits and ASD itself as if it was an illness that he could overcome if he only listened to you and did what you want him to do. A bit of a controlling behaviour here. I don't know the whole situation, so I can give you only my impressions but from my point of view you seem to be treating him like an unruly child that doesn't want to listen to you and that you need to protect from himself.

This is how it looks to me: five years ago you separated. He still stayed while taking to your chemo etc. but without behaviour expected from a husband. At most, he behaved like a (distant) friend. Because it was working, he didn't see the need for divorce, as he didn't need it. Right now, he wants to move on with his life and because he needs a divorce for it, he decided to divorce you.

For me, the situation is rather clear. He sees you as a controlling person that he needs to leave in order to 'get back his life'. What I would suggest is to talk to him honestly, without any suggestions, lectures, expectations and if he agrees to it, go for at least a few weeks or even months of separation. He survived five years without you, he'll survive a few months. Afterwards, you can both decide if the divorce is or not needed.

I can see sympathise with him here as well as with you. At times, I can become suffocated by someone's presence in my life. The more they try to stay, the more I struggle to get away. At times, I start to hate them for that. It often passes after I leave them for a longer period of time. If they give me my space, I come back, if they don't, they don't see me again. That's just it.

Good luck.

 

[pjcnet]

In saying I don't need that kind of person; in fact he is a basically kind and generous man; it is his behaviour and conversation caused by his lack of thought processes which is the problem.. there is a very broad spectrum here about which we are talking...He actually cannot take a cup of tea accross a crouded room because he can't work out how to get past the people and chairs and tables in the way... we go to a cafe and he has to sit in a certain position and moves the table around to suit him...If he is thinking about one thing, he cannot process a second piece of information - yet to all intense and purpose in a group of a few friends when the conversation is light and nobody really pays much attention to what each person is really saying his comments and behaviour appear normal ---if there is such a thing.

He chose the worst possible time to remove his wedding ring which was as soon as you were diagnosed with a very serious illness, you make excuses for him and I therefore believe you still care for him, but if he truly cared a lot about you, any additional anxiety from fearing a change of routine would have been overridden by the strong desire to be there, supporting you through every step at your side. It also wasn't exactly kind or generous to demand his money back while you were still very ill, causing you further stress and hardship to the extent that you even had to sell your own home to pay him back with interest, I don't believe that even someone on the autistic spectrum wouldn't understand how heartless this was, especially at his age and if you were truly a married couple you wouldn't even be borrowing in the first place because what was his would also be yours and vice versa. Finally I don't believe that even someone on the autistic spectrum at his age truly wouldn't realise that it's not right to accompany you to a singles bar with a friend so he can meet other women while he is still married to you, he is very likely to have various additional challenges in life from being on the autistic spectrum, but I also suspect he is sometimes using his condition as an excuse to behave very inappropriately and to treat you horribly. When you explained that it was inappropriate he asked you whether you wanted a divorce, perhaps that's partly why he did it and he was purposely trying to upset you, in fact maybe he was trying to manipulate you in this and in other situations? I wouldn't underestimate him, people on the higher functioning end of the autistic spectrum are also usually of at least above average intelligence. Sorry to be harsh, but it's probably best that you're moving on and I'm sorry for what you had to go through.

PS: Everyone is unique including people on the autistic spectrum and can be good or bad at varying levels with totally different personalities, but I still believe that the vast majority of people are mostly good.