Passive aggression

[onlything]

How do you deal with passive-aggressive people? One of my flatmates is really annoying in this regard. I spend most of the time in my room, but I also don't want to have to walk on eggshells every time I go to the kitchen or bathroom.

And she's definitely angry, she will even glare if she thinks I'm not looking. If I ask if there's something wrong, she always says that no, everything's fine but then she will turn to do something minor but annoying like misplacing my spices or putting plates in different places in the kitchen so that I have to look for them through cupboards, or 'forgetting' to buy things for the house when it's her turn to go to the shop. Then, sometimes she will proceed to say 'jokingly' some rather offensive remarks about my productivity or cooking skills(from a conversation we had seems that in her mind if you spend most of the time in your room, you do nothing but laze about all day long, and my cooking is not cooking at all - it's just food preparation and she would know since she used to be a chef or something).

I don't know what's her problem but it's annoying and last week even made me really angry at one point (after a comment about my productivity where I've been either working or learning all the time for the last week). It may be because of the quarantine - she used to be very active before it from what I understand and can't do these things anymore. However, it still doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour.

How do I clear up the atmosphere? Should I just accept the way it is and wait for the next few weeks until I can leave the flat?

Well, tomorrow I'm making cookies. If it doesn't help, I don't know what will

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe she is just unloading so if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. Maybe nicely state: you seem a bit on edge lately, is there something going on you wish to talk about? You aren't accusing them of poor behavior but you have put the thought process that maybe they are misbehaving , disclaimer - this doesn't work on psychopaths. Lol

 

[Mia]

How do you deal with passive-aggressive people? One of my flatmates is really annoying in this regard. I spend most of the time in my room, but I also don't want to have to walk on eggshells every time I go to the kitchen or bathroom.

Ugh, save me from the judgemental! You share the shopping, but you don't cook or share meals is that right? I can be confrontational if need be. And if it were me, I would tell her to back off. That what I eat or do is none of her business. I had four different roommates before I was married and each one came with their own set of issues.

 

[Wolfnox]

Just a suggestion. But if you can. Avoid making her madder. This will likely be a long stay at home vacation and she likely has concerns about the future. Talking might help ease some of those concerns.

 

[Tom]

Notify her you are adopting a very cute and intelligent rescued Warthog. But tell her to remove all her furniture/furnishings that she would not like destroyed.

 

[Misery]

Gonna do a bit of the devil's advocate thing here, because of course I am.

When it comes to passive aggression, one thing that occurs to me is that there can be some mishandling and confusion on BOTH sides.

For instance, when I look up the term, one example I found was this:

"For example, a person might repeatedly make excuses to avoid certain people as a way of expressing their dislike or anger towards those individuals."

See, that's how people often interpret things, because of course they do. But that doesnt mean it's the intention.

Like, you might ask me if I want to go to a movie with you. I say no. You might ask again later. I still say no.

People often seem to have this idea that this means I have something against them. To me, this is REALLY illogical. But it happens. Based on the behavior of certain friends of mine lately, I'm relatively certain that they've gotten fed up with me over this perceived behavior of mine.

But it's real simple: When I say I dont want to go to a movie... it's because I dont want to go to a bloody movie. Your presence there, or lack thereof, is irrelevant. I just dont want to go, period. I dont watch movies, period. And I'm not going to go do something that I have zero interest in simply because some friend is doing it. Oddly, no amount of explaining this to those around me gets them to realize that asking is pointless. And yes, I've very DIRECTLY explained it in no uncertain terms, as I'm doing it here. Has no effect whatsoever.

It's the same for stuff like "making mistakes on purpose". The idea of purposefully forgetting to buy things to strike out at someone.... in my mind, that really doesnt make any sense. Forgetting to buy something useful means that the person doing the apparently on-purpose forgetting ALSO suffers from the lack of said thing (even moreso if they then have to return to the store later to pick up the forgotten thing, when they wouldnt have needed to if they'd remembered the first time). When someone says they forget something.... they might have forgot something. Even if it happens repeatedly. I get this one all the time as well. No, it's not that I am avoiding X thing or hate Y thing. It's not that I didnt buy toothpaste for the house because 'bwahahah, now Bob wont have toothpaste! My master plan is coming to fruition! That'll teach him to have a face!" It's that I have a memory like a cheese grater. Again though, people tend to just instantly assume that I am choosing to forget on purpose. Despite that not making sense. If I'm going to be irritable at someone, I'm not going to do so by annoying the heck out of myself. Why would I? I cant even count the number of times people in my life have commented on my "selective memory".

Unfortunately alot of people in my life CONSTANTLY get the wrong idea about alot of the things I say or do.

Dont get me wrong: I can be irritable. But I usually make that REALLY obvious. I dont bother with the "passive" part.

At the same time, all of these aspects can be exaggerated during times of distress, or when my mood is bad. I'm betting this is the case for many. We all have our negative traits and bad habits, and when moody, those come out more whether we like it or not.


Anyway, just some thoughts on it.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

She might subconsciously think she's the chef - and be on the learning curve in her management skills -

Other people's sense of spatial arrangement of objects always amazes me and mine amazes them.

It is a sort of memory thing (tactile, visual, conceptual) to which she attaches moral emotions like even I used to. Everybody's functions totally differently!

A bigger red flag would be if she wants to escalate this.

 

[Aspychata]

It's very hard to interpret passive aggressive behavior. Because you really are guessing at the clues provided. Even if you ask for outright for clarification, they will throw more subterfuge at you and you will scratch your head as you sit in your corner of feeling why did l ask. So it feels like a no win situtation. When they final get the truth out, it's a huge relief for me because it has finally been spelled out. Right now l feel that someone talks about feelings and when l say hey l identify with those too then l get shot down. Like it was okay for you to express but then they go kinda of passive aggressive if l do the same.

 

[onlything]

Gonna do a bit of the devil's advocate thing here, because of course I am.

When it comes to passive aggression, one thing that occurs to me is that there can be some mishandling and confusion on BOTH sides.

For instance, when I look up the term, one example I found was this:

"For example, a person might repeatedly make excuses to avoid certain people as a way of expressing their dislike or anger towards those individuals."

See, that's how people often interpret things, because of course they do. But that doesnt mean it's the intention.

Like, you might ask me if I want to go to a movie with you. I say no. You might ask again later. I still say no.

People often seem to have this idea that this means I have something against them. To me, this is REALLY illogical. But it happens. Based on the behavior of certain friends of mine lately, I'm relatively certain that they've gotten fed up with me over this perceived behavior of mine.

But it's real simple: When I say I dont want to go to a movie... it's because I dont want to go to a bloody movie. Your presence there, or lack thereof, is irrelevant. I just dont want to go, period. I dont watch movies, period. And I'm not going to go do something that I have zero interest in simply because some friend is doing it. Oddly, no amount of explaining this to those around me gets them to realize that asking is pointless. And yes, I've very DIRECTLY explained it in no uncertain terms, as I'm doing it here. Has no effect whatsoever.

It's the same for stuff like "making mistakes on purpose". The idea of purposefully forgetting to buy things to strike out at someone.... in my mind, that really doesnt make any sense. Forgetting to buy something useful means that the person doing the apparently on-purpose forgetting ALSO suffers from the lack of said thing (even moreso if they then have to return to the store later to pick up the forgotten thing, when they wouldnt have needed to if they'd remembered the first time). When someone says they forget something.... they might have forgot something. Even if it happens repeatedly. I get this one all the time as well. No, it's not that I am avoiding X thing or hate Y thing. It's not that I didnt buy toothpaste for the house because 'bwahahah, now Bob wont have toothpaste! My master plan is coming to fruition! That'll teach him to have a face!" It's that I have a memory like a cheese grater. Again though, people tend to just instantly assume that I am choosing to forget on purpose. Despite that not making sense. If I'm going to be irritable at someone, I'm not going to do so by annoying the heck out of myself. Why would I? I cant even count the number of times people in my life have commented on my "selective memory".

Unfortunately alot of people in my life CONSTANTLY get the wrong idea about alot of the things I say or do.

Dont get me wrong: I can be irritable. But I usually make that REALLY obvious. I dont bother with the "passive" part.

At the same time, all of these aspects can be exaggerated during times of distress, or when my mood is bad. I'm betting this is the case for many. We all have our negative traits and bad habits, and when moody, those come out more whether we like it or not.


Anyway, just some thoughts on it.

Everything you wrote is logical and the same for me. If there's something wrong, speak up and resolve the issue - it's simple, straightforward and helps a lot along the way. Being transparent about your feelings about other people and intentions (without being rude) makes life much easier in the long run.

The thing I realised with NTs is that they often aren't very logical at all! Additional thing I realised on the example of my sister-in-law and her family is that female NTs very often fear confrontation of any kind - and if they fear confrontation, they turn to being passive-aggressive in the most infuriating of ways. Just because we are as we are won't make other people the same - they have their own perception of the world and what is considered normal.

If someone refuses when I invite them to movies - that's simple, as you said, and means they just aren't interested. Instead, I will proceed to invite next time someone that will be - and in this instance I can be accused for passive aggression by the first person because I didn't try inviting them again... Ridiculous? Very much so. To me.

However, some people just are like that and really think like that. Why do I perceive my flatmates behaviour as passive aggression?
1. Glaring whenever she think I'm not looking (which is obvious even to me).
2. Snappy answers to any of my questions.
3. Condescending comments about my skills or personality traits that are later turned into a 'joke'.
News flash, joking isn't intended to sound like an attack at someone. I did take these for jokes in the beginning, but they are gradually turning more and more nasty with time and I have no interest to be a joke to someone. She's even more condescending whenever she sees me eating meat (she's a vegetarian) or junk food (because healthy eating is the goal of her life), or if she doesn't see me exercising for a day.
4. We share the shopping because of the quarantine to avoid leaving the house. We take the shopping list, always. I always buy all the things on the list, also things I never eat or use myself. She somehow most of the time forgets to buy things that she uses very rarely but that I use every day. Last time she said that she went only to a fruit shop (which is next to a normal shop and which is not what we talked about), so she didn't buy honey and other stuff (but I saw new packages of rice and canned food on her shelf - does she think I'm stupid or something?). If not a passive-aggressive, then still irresponsible and utterly selfish behaviour.

The list could go on... And the longer it goes, the more you start to perceive every single thing the other person does as offensive.

I think the problem that we as NDs have is that it's really difficult to us to wrap our heads around possibility that people just don't see the world in the same way. The theory of mind stuff, you know. Passive aggression logically makes no sense - it solves nothing and only deepens the existing problems. Emotionally, if you perceive it as fear of confrontation resulting in passive expression of stored anger, it becomes, surprisingly, quite possible.

 

[Mia]

Emotionally, if you perceive it as fear of confrontation resulting in passive expression of stored anger, it becomes, surprisingly, quite possible.

I agree only thing. A roommate I lived with for years managed to break or crack or destroy any favourite cup I regularly used. Over the years, there were four in total. She didn't break or crack any of the other coffee cups, only the ones she saw me drinking from. As she rarely washed dishes, it was odd that she managed such coincidental destruction.

She consistently 'forgot' when she ate food that I bought, to replace it. But would place the empty box or package back in the pantry. As if somehow that would fix it, and she wouldn't get found out for awhile. Thinking perhaps that I would forget how much food remained.

It all seemed like subterfuge, a little war couched in sneaky attacks.

 

[SimplyWandering]

Just dealt with a roommate like that for the last 6 months. I am glad to be done with that. I know some on the spectrum often only see what others are doing and not necessarily seeing "our" own wrongs.

She thought i owed her stuff specifically because we were roommates, people need to understand that roommates are there to take the burden off of rent, that you don't necessarily need to be friends or pals with them.

 

[DuckRabbit]

The passive-aggressive behaviour described here is a clever, insidious form of bullying in that the behaviour is nothing you can get them in dock about, and nothing the perpetrator need feel overly guilty about as they can blur the lines and pretend to themselves or anyone who calls them on it that they "didn't mean", "didn't realise", "you're reading too much into it", "what's the matter with you? - do you have a persecution complex?". The behaviour can seldom be detected by outsiders. Yet it is a very real form of negative energy.

The following thread came to mind for understanding this behaviour and what can (and can't) be done about it: How do you handle humiliations?
My posts in this thread argue that if the perpetrator is NT and the victim is ASC, then questions like "How do I clear up the atmosphere?" are misguided. The self-assertion/confrontation methods used by NTs usually cannot be unproblematically adopted by ASC individuals because of their low ranking in the pecking order that their social deficits bestow. As @Ambi argued in this thread (emphasis added by me):

"This post really makes me think: yes, why is it that WE are expected to let go so many insults, but others are justified? And in that same line of thought - what makes them think they can react to our slip ups in such an awful way? One option is that we slip up far more than we realize, and people are letting it go, until a few people go overboard in their response. The other option though - and I usually am quite aware of little faux pas going on, I'm just bad sometimes when I forget or I'm too involved in actually expressing myself - is that people sense where others are on the social ladder - whom can they step on? Whom can they get away with lashing out at? Whom can they kick to make themselves feel better? And I think that's often going to be Aspies, as we are often socially far down on the ladder of the social tribe, since we can't or won't play the games necessary to ingratiate ourselves with other people."

 

[onlything]

The passive-aggressive behaviour described here is a clever, insidious form of bullying in that the behaviour is nothing you can get them in dock about, and nothing the perpetrator need feel overly guilty about as they can blur the lines and pretend to themselves or anyone who calls them on it that they "didn't mean", "didn't realise", "you're reading too much into it", "what's the matter with you? - do you have a persecution complex?". The behaviour can seldom be detected by outsiders. Yet it is a very real form of negative energy.

The follow thread came to mind for understanding this behaviour and what can (and can't) be done about it: How do you handle humiliations?
My posts in this thread argue that if the perpetrator is NT and the victim is ASC, then questions like "How do I clear up the atmosphere?" are misguided. The self-assertion/confrontation methods used by NTs usually cannot be unproblematically adopted by ASC individuals because of their low ranking in the pecking order that their social deficits bestow. As @Ambi argued in this thread (emphasis added by me):

"This post really makes me think: yes, why is it that WE are expected to let go so many insults, but others are justified? And in that same line of thought - what makes them think they can react to our slip ups in such an awful way? One option is that we slip up far more than we realize, and people are letting it go, until a few people go overboard in their response. The other option though - and I usually am quite aware of little faux pas going on, I'm just bad sometimes when I forget or I'm too involved in actually expressing myself - is that people sense where others are on the social ladder - whom can they step on? Whom can they get away with lashing out at? Whom can they kick to make themselves feel better? And I think that's often going to be Aspies, as we are often socially far down on the ladder of the social tribe, since we can't or won't play the games necessary to ingratiate ourselves with other people."

Never heard about passive aggression being called a form of bullying before... but it does feel like that at times.

Well, I don't intend to be anyone's joke or ottoman. I can easily cut off the shopping deal and just go by myself, keep my stuff in my room if necessary, avoid any contact and make a very convincing indifferent or condescending face, as needed. From my experience, if some bullies receive no reaction at all to their bullying, they can get bored (or embarrassed) and jump to something else. If it doesn't work, well, it's only for a few more weeks and if she's really nasty, well, I can be nasty too.

Although, to be honest, she was surprisingly civil today, and I would personally prefer to avoid the situation escalating in any way.

 

[Juliettaa]

Never heard about passive aggression being called a form of bullying before... but it does feel like that at times.

It's definitely a thing - passive aggressive bullying. Covert bullying can really throw you off guard as you're constantly questioning yourself.

It sounds a very unsettling situation to be in, made worse by the fact that this is your home; a place where you should be able to relax and not have to walk on eggshells.

There may be some useful tips on here:

How to Deal With Bullies With Passive Aggressive Behaviors

 

[Aspychata]

Never heard about passive aggression being called a form of bullying before... but it does feel like that at times.

Well, I don't intend to be anyone's joke or ottoman. I can easily cut off the shopping deal and just go by myself, keep my stuff in my room if necessary, avoid any contact and make a very convincing indifferent or condescending face, as needed. From my experience, if some bullies receive no reaction at all to their bullying, they can get bored (or embarrassed) and jump to something else. If it doesn't work, well, it's only for a few more weeks and if she's really nasty, well, I can be nasty too.

Although, to be honest, she was surprisingly civil today, and I would personally prefer to avoid the situation escalating in any way.

Sometimes as pure roommate situtations go- it's better to keep a distance, because if things go south, you can dissolve the issue by just not being there.

 

[SDRSpark]

It's definitely a thing - passive aggressive bullying. Covert bullying can really throw you off guard as you're constantly questioning yourself.

It sounds a very unsettling situation to be in, made worse by the fact that this is your home; a place where you should be able to relax and not have to walk on eggshells.

There may be some useful tips on here:

How to Deal With Bullies With Passive Aggressive Behaviors

This article describes the behavior of someone I know to a T. Thanks for sharing it!

 

[ShwiftyKat]

How do you deal with passive-aggressive people? One of my flatmates is really annoying in this regard. I spend most of the time in my room, but I also don't want to have to walk on eggshells every time I go to the kitchen or bathroom.

And she's definitely angry, she will even glare if she thinks I'm not looking. If I ask if there's something wrong, she always says that no, everything's fine but then she will turn to do something minor but annoying like misplacing my spices or putting plates in different places in the kitchen so that I have to look for them through cupboards, or 'forgetting' to buy things for the house when it's her turn to go to the shop. Then, sometimes she will proceed to say 'jokingly' some rather offensive remarks about my productivity or cooking skills(from a conversation we had seems that in her mind if you spend most of the time in your room, you do nothing but laze about all day long, and my cooking is not cooking at all - it's just food preparation and she would know since she used to be a chef or something).

I don't know what's her problem but it's annoying and last week even made me really angry at one point (after a comment about my productivity where I've been either working or learning all the time for the last week). It may be because of the quarantine - she used to be very active before it from what I understand and can't do these things anymore. However, it still doesn't excuse this kind of behaviour.

How do I clear up the atmosphere? Should I just accept the way it is and wait for the next few weeks until I can leave the flat?

Well, tomorrow I'm making cookies. If it doesn't help, I don't know what will

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with this! Because you said she was very active before and cant go out now cuz of quarantine and is angry, you seem to be the only one around that she can direct all her anger towards. It's not fair to you at all, and everyone is upset that we cant do "something" right now. Hopefully she can youtube something new to learn to help with the boredom she seems to have, or draw or paint, get caught up in DIY pinterest stuff or i dunno if she would be open (and you at this point, but you seem very kind and want to help the situation) to playing a bored game with you. I hope the cookies help and turn out delish for yoU!

 

[Taira]

I'm just having a few very different thought about the whole situation. In my experience, truly passive-aggressive people will definitely make everything, even the good things, into something you should feel guilty about. But this girl doesn't really sound like that.

As we all know, normal people aren't logical, but rather emotion driven in a way that I'll never really be able to understand. But I have a fairly good understanding of howbthat makes then work.

Before you start labelling her behavior too much, I'd like to know what kind of thimgs your room mate doesn't buy from your list. Vegan girls who work out very often (subconsciously) treat their lifestyle as religion. They simply believe in theirblifestyle so much that they can't help being concerned about people who haven't yet seen the light. And the way they express their concern (real worry for your well-being, I'm not joking about this) will come off as rather insulting and hurtful. But that's not the intention.

If honey is on the no-buy list, are the other things also what a vegan fitness nut would deem unhealthy? If they are, then her not buying them would meen she cares about you.

What you wrote about her not thinking you are productive might have to do with one of the funniest misunderstandings between asd and nt people. To a neurotypical, productivity very often has nothing to do with studying or working, and a whole lot more to do with keeping up with social "obligations", getting your daily dose of physical activity and socialization, and doing random stuff around the house. Pretending to do housework is more important than doing it well. And most nt people will prefer to prep-cook-clean up in one continuous session, at home.

Putting your things in the wrong places may not be a conscious aggression at all. It could just be that she genuinely thinks that makes everything more organised. If she's like that, no talking to her will ever change it, and the best thing to do is just ask if she's seen the things that are missing. A funny example of how weird nts are would be my elder brother who once reorganised all the cupboard in a (now ex) gf's kitchen. He meant well, truly thought it was better for everybody including her, but it was definitely not the right way to make a relationship last. Putting everything in the wrong place can actually mean "I love you".

Of course, it could also be that she's giving you lots of microaggression. But I wouldn't want to assume or interpret. Any social interaction should be properly analysed to find out if the fault is in the intention or the expression. If the intention is wrong, the person isn't worth your effort. But if it's the expression that fails, then there's still hope.

 

[onlything]

I'm just having a few very different thought about the whole situation. In my experience, truly passive-aggressive people will definitely make everything, even the good things, into something you should feel guilty about. But this girl doesn't really sound like that.

As we all know, normal people aren't logical, but rather emotion driven in a way that I'll never really be able to understand. But I have a fairly good understanding of howbthat makes then work.

Before you start labelling her behavior too much, I'd like to know what kind of thimgs your room mate doesn't buy from your list. Vegan girls who work out very often (subconsciously) treat their lifestyle as religion. They simply believe in theirblifestyle so much that they can't help being concerned about people who haven't yet seen the light. And the way they express their concern (real worry for your well-being, I'm not joking about this) will come off as rather insulting and hurtful. But that's not the intention.

If honey is on the no-buy list, are the other things also what a vegan fitness nut would deem unhealthy? If they are, then her not buying them would meen she cares about you.

What you wrote about her not thinking you are productive might have to do with one of the funniest misunderstandings between asd and nt people. To a neurotypical, productivity very often has nothing to do with studying or working, and a whole lot more to do with keeping up with social "obligations", getting your daily dose of physical activity and socialization, and doing random stuff around the house. Pretending to do housework is more important than doing it well. And most nt people will prefer to prep-cook-clean up in one continuous session, at home.

Putting your things in the wrong places may not be a conscious aggression at all. It could just be that she genuinely thinks that makes everything more organised. If she's like that, no talking to her will ever change it, and the best thing to do is just ask if she's seen the things that are missing. A funny example of how weird nts are would be my elder brother who once reorganised all the cupboard in a (now ex) gf's kitchen. He meant well, truly thought it was better for everybody including her, but it was definitely not the right way to make a relationship last. Putting everything in the wrong place can actually mean "I love you".

Of course, it could also be that she's giving you lots of microaggression. But I wouldn't want to assume or interpret. Any social interaction should be properly analysed to find out if the fault is in the intention or the expression. If the intention is wrong, the person isn't worth your effort. But if it's the expression that fails, then there's still hope.

She's not 'super-healthy vegan' type, though, more of 'active and a bit picky vegetarian'. She's also not that healthy herself at times too, she just doesn't eat meat and prefers very plain lentil-based meals with fruits and market-bought vegetable or fish pies here and there. The things she wouldn't buy from my list would be such as honey, strawberries, scented candles, dark chocolate, shampoo. Never asked her for eggs or meat, even limiting my consumption, since I know it makes some vegetarians uncomfortable and making sure to clean utensils properly. Not sure what the deal with that was, I just let her know that I'm going to buy my own stuff from now on.

Well, she did make me feel guilty - and, I don't know, handicapped? unskilled? - in the beginning. She has this specific kind of look that tells you that she disapproves of whatever it was you were doing but won't tell you that, or that something you did is useless. Her comment to my cookies was 'well, at least they're fresh'. She also has that 'what a stupid idea' look whenever I try something new. I made the cookies in the microwave for example(since we have no oven) and she laughed at me when in a conversation I mentioned that this is what I'm going to try out. I was a bit hurt by that, honestly.

So, after feeling a bit guilty and useless, I got angry. Now I'm quite indifferent though. I mean, she doesn't really mean anything to me. I won't even remember her in a few months and I'll be leaving the flat soon enough anyway. She literally has no meaning to my life outside this little annoyances happening at the moment. Besides I'm sure I'm going to meet many more people I don't agree with in my life, so for now I'll treat it as an exercise in patience and, well, thickening my skin I suppose? Some say that words and minor acts of others can't hurt you until you let them - I'm experimenting with this concept for now.

So, I stopped reacting or trying to befriend her in any way, just keeping to myself and my routine. If she has a problem with it, she'll have to confront me about it.

Oh, she did ask me about something the other day and she looked rather annoyed - she asked if I were putting hair into the bathroom sink after brushing. I was a bit dumbfounded, to be honest, I mean, what kind of an idea it was? - the bathroom sink never worked too well, getting stuck sometimes supposedly because of the thin pipes, so that would make it even worse, no? When I told her I throw it away to the bio trash (and showed it to her since she looked a bit disbelieving) she seemed quite surprised and didn't say a word to me for the rest of the day. If this is the kind of assumptions she makes of me without proof, then I don't know if there's anything I could do anyway .

 

[Taira]

If that's how it is, then it's better to just see her as a weird creature you're tempirarily sharing some of your space with.

Her ignoring you after you proved your cleanliness should be because she knows she's wrong, but doesn't know how to apologise. It usually goes away if you ignore back.

I've learned to not care what other people think as long as I'm not doing anything wrong. I'll tryvtobright things if I hurt people. But if they just don't approve, then it's their loss, not mine. When people ask why I do something they think is weird, I'll answer honestly that it's because I want to or felt like it. Because nobody can answer a "why not" without sounding totally crazy or incoherent. Still haven't found anyone who can give me a good reason not to try mixing foods in new ways, or not to dye my hair in striking colors. But if people can give me a logical reason not do do something, then I'll usually think once more before deciding if it's worth trying.

It's made my life a lot easier.