Parents did or didn't praise you???

[Aspychata]

When parents praise kids about specific achievements, it builds realistic confidence and self-appraisal. When parents don't, kids can fail to develop a internalized congratulator, a mechanism by which we learn to champion ourselves. A lack of or deficiency can lead to an insatiable need for external approval. This actually floats into relationships where we must own our success or we bring the feeling of already being one down.

Does this seem to resonate with anyone? What are your perceptions and do you have a congratulator besides your pet fish?

 

[AnnMoss]

This is interesting. My parents were generally neutral about me on the whole regardless of what I did. I didn't get into trouble (what's the point?) and my grades were reasonable (did what I was capable of). I've always been very good at arts and I've always had positive attention for that, from everyone though and not only my parents/family. I do find that when I reflect on times in my life where I've had praise along with criticism from someone very competent who I respect it helps me immensely. Otherwise approval doesn't seem to really matter whatsoever. I like doing very well but because I like the feeling of being competent for myself. I do sometimes resent when people may not appreciate my efforts, but not because I want their praise or approval I just want to be treated fairly or be left alone. Criticism is different than people not recognizing effort, criticism is wonderful. But though I don't have an insatiable need for approval, I do have the experience of not feeling guided by my parents and so I wonder about that being a connection between people here.

Rereading your post I'm wondering if I'm saying the same thing as you but in different words - I get upset about people disrespecting effort or being grossly unsupportive in the few situations I allow myself to be in where support is needed for whatever I'm doing. I do sometimes punish myself wondering what I did wrong and about how my social differences interfere with assisting purposeful partnerships/ teamwork. I don't actually need anyone to like me, just respect me. I prefer friendly cooperative neutrality. Sorry to run on, hopefully didn't veer too far away from your point.

 

[Judge]

Interesting question. Looking back on my own childhood, I too can't say my parents were under-indulgent or over-indulgent in such things. Just "neutral" much like the above post.

But then I was raised in a military household. Where complaining about not getting a sufficient number of compliments might have evoked a response from my father, "What do you expect? Do you want a medal?"

Though now that I think about it, it was my mother who would occasionally compliment me on something I did.

 

[Aspychata]

Think it's interesting because it's something we never really think about. Never thought it would transcend into relationships.

 

[AnnMoss]

I will say that with a romantic partner all of this changes. I'm awful and need reassurance all the time. This has drawn in some really unhealthy partners. I am lucky to say I'm with a man now I'm feeling more secure with than I've felt capable of with others. It's a different experience.

 

[Pats]

Only criticism came from our house (both parents). I loved to sing and when I was around 7 or whatever I used to say I wanted to be a singer and I would call myself "The Gospel One" - since I wouldn't be a quartet. But we sang too fast, or stop singing through your nose, etc, etc - I could never sing in front of anyone. Even our laughs were wrong. Whether I got an F or an A on my report card, my mom just signed it and went on.
One of my son's was little and he was singing in the car and my mom started to criticize him and I made her stop. I was not going to let her take away his enjoyment of singing. He was little. not even in school yet - it was not going to be a perfect singing voice.
I made sure I let my kids know they did things well, and, yes, I may not have known what it was but the picture they painted will be on display. My daughter (in day care) came home after they had visited a nature science center and she had drawn an animal that she wanted. I was asking questions about the animal - did it like the water, did it have fur, etc until I figured out it was an otter.
But, even though I don't know how to handle compliments and just want to go hide, I still greatly appreciate the compliment.

 

[Pats]

Three compliments that I recall from my entire childhood:

How can I have given birth to someone so smart
She was quite intelligent herself, but didn't realize it.

You really can draw.

That's the best meal I've ever had.

I'm sorry, Mia, that's funny - sad, but funny.

 

[AnnMoss]

Only criticism came from our house (both parents). I loved to sing and when I was around 7 or whatever I used to say I wanted to be a singer and I would call myself "The Gospel One" - since I wouldn't be a quartet. But we sang too fast, or stop singing through your nose, etc, etc - I could never sing in front of anyone. Even our laughs were wrong. Whether I got an F or an A on my report card, my mom just signed it and went on.
One of my son's was little and he was singing in the car and my mom started to criticize him and I made her stop. I was not going to let her take away his enjoyment of singing. He was little. not even in school yet - it was not going to be a perfect singing voice.
I made sure I let my kids know they did things well, and, yes, I may not have known what it was but the picture they painted will be on display. My daughter (in day care) came home after they had visited a nature science center and she had drawn an animal that she wanted. I was asking questions about the animal - did it like the water, did it have fur, etc until I figured out it was an otter.
But, even though I don't know how to handle compliments and just want to go hide, I still greatly appreciate the compliment.

Is it wrong for me to say that your mother sounds wretched?

 

[Pats]

Is it wrong for me to say that your mother sounds wretched?

No, but, actually she wasn't. I look back and wonder if she was on the spectrum. There were some things she just couldn't do. My dad, though, was wretched. My mom would get upset at us chewing gum too loud - sound autistic? How was she to know about autism? But she wasn't a threat like my dad was.

 

[Aspychata]

Spent my childhood seriously considering for some reason, l was with the wrong family. And my real family member would soon come and collect me.

 

[Aspychata]

Spent my childhood seriously considering for some reason, l was with the wrong family. And my real family member would soon come and collect me.

 

[Aspychata]

Delete tab is not working

 

[Michael Balog]

When parents don't, kids can fail to develop a internalized congratulator, a mechanism by which we learn to champion ourselves. A lack of or deficiency can lead to an insatiable need for external approval.

Well I guess this explains a lot about myself. I was never told I was able to do stuff, just told I wouldn't be good at it or that’s too hard for you. Now when I do receive praise I don't think I earned it or I’m still not good enough.

 

[Graphin]

I didn't really get praised, apart from certain situations, for example: after being actively discouraged and insulted for coding, when I started showing success my parents suddenly praised me (once) and told others that they were teaching me that for years.

 

[OrangeSquash]

This is a subject which is very interesting to me through my coaching of nutrition, health and fitness.

I believe that praise can be a good thing and also a bad thing, but not at the same time - it is dependant on how it is delivered; the difference being a fixed or growth mindset.

Fixed mindset praise would reward a specific achievement for the success of the achievement - rewarding a result or a specific ‘talent’. Growth mindset praise would be based upon the hard work and effort that went into the final result, regardless of the success of the final result.

What this looks like for children is (an observation for my 10 year old niece’s piano recital a few months ago) praising the fact that a recital was given by her and the perceived quality of the performance delivered. The vast majority of my family watching heaped this sort of praise on her, and made me feel slightly sick. This sort of praise only gives the child a sense of raw ability which they feel that they can just sit back on, and have no real need to improve upon - why would they? They have just had all the praise they can actually handle.

The praise I gave to my niece was along the lines of ‘you have clearly been practising diligently, and that hard work and effort has paid off with this recital. Imagine how much further this hard work and effort will get you if you work eve harder?’ What this does is praise the effort and trusting of the process, rather than praising the end result - resulting in the child realising that the work ethic is what is important, not the end result.

When I dial this into (specifically) my nutrition clients, I am praising the continued diligent and long term effort they put in, not the kilos they lose during their process. I find that this application of effort spills into other areas of their life. Suddenly, they find themselves working harder at work, putting more effort in their relationships (spouse, kids, friends) making time for food preparation, without even a conversation with me about these areas of their life.

Whilst I don’t remember being given any praise (fixed or growth) as a kid, I do see that more often than not adults give children fixed, not growth, mindset praise which I think affects people later in life in a negative way. If this praise was delivered a bit more sensitively I believe kids would develop a better work ethic and become less ‘entitled’ (searching for a better word to use there) later in life.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Running Girl]

I was praised by both parents for being creative and a good student. I was that. But i was dismissed or ignored for everything else. And then their was my bullying brother who hated everything about me, but that's another story i guess. So i only internalized being creative and good at school, and still disbelieve or mistrust people who compliment me on any other quality. My family were perfectionists so if you didnt do something really well, it wasnt worth mentioning at all. It wasnt ok to just be ok, and i'm not ok to this day! Ok???

 

[Streetwise]

When parents praise kids about specific achievements, it builds realistic confidence and self-appraisal. When parents don't, kids can fail to develop a internalized congratulator, a mechanism by which we learn to champion ourselves. A lack of or deficiency can lead to an insatiable need for external approval. This actually floats into relationships where we must own our success or we bring the feeling of already being one down.

Does this seem to resonate with anyone? What are your perceptions and do you have a congratulator besides your pet fish?

my mother tried !!!!!!!but I come from the English culture of receiving praise if they think you deserve!!!! it ,not because you are their child !,I don’t think I am typically English in as much as you should !only !!!give praise if somebody deserves it !!!!,sadly my self-confidence is so damaged I don’t even completely receive love from animals .I think I’m starting to receive it from God but this is taking a lot and I mean a lot to actually hold when I am given it, I remember a comment which conjured up a comical picture from an African-American Christian imitating European American Christians trying to avoid falling backwards when Slain in the spirit ,Then the completely different picture of an African-American church where they are completely given over to the holy spirit! back to the uptight !European Americans standing stiffly and looking nervously behind them as much as to say “I am not going to do it”I’m sort of teetering before trying not to fall down it always reminds me of people who are drunk and are trying to hold themselves up in case they fall

 

[ZebraAutismo]

My Mum was positive and give me a lot of praise even for just trying to do what was hard for. My Dad didn’t. He criticized and was very negative and still is. This you too upset and make me feel not good enough but not anymore.

 

[SusanLR]

I wasn't praised or criticized.
Another one who made decent grades and had no problem staying up with school work.
I felt secure in my abilities and was my own worst critic.
I was perfectionistic and it was noticed by some of my instructors, especially in art.
They felt I should lighten up on myself a little. I would feel better for it.
But, it was hard to not go for as perfect as possible.

 

[Ylva]

I hated my parents' idea of praise and I still do, because it always betrays that they really expect me to be unintelligent. (Well, I'm not pretty, so I must be stupid, right?) And it's every time, so they never update their expectations based on evidence.