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Parents did or didn't praise you???

When parents praise kids about specific achievements, it builds realistic confidence and self-appraisal. When parents don't, kids can fail to develop a internalized congratulator, a mechanism by which we learn to champion ourselves. A lack of or deficiency can lead to an insatiable need for external approval. This actually floats into relationships where we must own our success or we bring the feeling of already being one down.

Does this seem to resonate with anyone? What are your perceptions and do you have a congratulator besides your pet fish?
This is a great question and being on the opposite side (as my son is the one with ASD) I often wondered if I was a good mother. Another thing is having 5 kids, did I give enough to each one? When I was a child I thought my parents were great! Fair and loving but it was just me and my brother. I had a mentally abusive husband and 5 kids to deal with also him telling me and the kids constantly that we were dumb, couldn't do anything right and constantly put down. My son I knew was different and I suppose he internalized his feelings until he no longer could and didn't want to live or ever see his father again ( I left his father in 1999 and the boys and I moved away but they still had to come back for visitation) When he turned 17 he permanently moved in with me and he said he never wanted to see his father again. He didn't, when his father died about 4 years ago and he heard the news of his father's death all he said was "IS he dead?" I said Yes he is dead and his text back to me was "GOOD" I always tried to counteract his abuse with over praise but still I was human too and wasn't getting any love or kindness either and that took a big toll on me as well. Years leading up to me leaving was a lot of yelling and fighting, I was stressed and exhausted and my body was taking a physical hit. (meaning I was sick a lot and had anxiety and stomach troubles) Of course we didn't know back then my son had ASD, a lot of the time we thought he was just being a brat or defiant. As a result he was punished a lot more than the other kids. Being under so much stress myself sometimes I just wanted to run away and not have any problems or things to deal with at all. Of course the problem wasn't so much my kids as my EX. MY kids were usually good. MY son with the ASD however was another problem at times, like he would do weird things and being a mother you want your kids respectful, kind, understanding and good people so If I put him in time out he would just laugh and walk away... I would sit him back down and he would just laugh and walk away... I didn't know what to do sometimes. I would give him a whack on the butt and he would just laugh. I didn't seem to get through to him and never realizing that he may have a serious problem, I just wanted him to be good. Now everything is good, but I think having to deal with all that stuff and having ASD didn't make things better, just worst for him. We are both dealing with this and doing good now, but the damage that it had done to him in his youth I really don't know? how it would have been for him if he never had to go through that and everything was just wonderful! Now I understand why he did things he did or why he laughed as it was a nervous laugh or just in general what was wrong. (he is 30 now and we are just dealing with all this together) IT's been a long road!
l was a shadow, shadows don't earn praise. But l would bring a friend over (one only), and they were treated like the most perfect person on the planet. That still gets to me this very day. lol
l was a shadow, shadows don't earn praise. But l would bring a friend over (one only), and they were treated like the most perfect person on the planet. That still gets to me this very day. lol
Were you an only child?
With me it was very much a carrot and stick approach - I was expected to work hard at school, get good grades and go to university. If they thought I wasn't trying hard enough at school, they pushed me to work harder. For a couple of years I got really bad grades, so they made me sit and do extra work every evening, and I wasn't allowed to eat until I finished all the work they gave me. (edit) but they did praise me when I did well.
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My parents weren’t perfect but they did strike a good balance between encouragement and their desire for me to find independence in self actualization. I am deeply grateful.
My parents never praised or acknowledged anything I ever did , in fact , all they did was criticize everything I ever said or did . Total invalidation . The thing that I could never understand though is that my older brother , who's behavior resembled an angry 3 year old at best , could do no wrong . In their eyes , everything he said or did was wonderful , not . What a jerk he was and no doubt , the misplaced praise and false acceptance contributed to his early demise . He was the most stressed out person I have ever met and he left this world in a haze of alcohol and cocaine with a fatal heart attack in a restroom of a restaurant .
As children , we look to our parents for acceptance and if we don't get it there we often become people pleasers hoping to get validation from others and we all know how that works out . Ultimately , I think that we need to learn to accept and validate ourselves and our autism .
My mother was neutral, and my dad was very negative. He was always very disappointed in me. My father’s most common question was, “When are you ever going to wake up and start acting like a normal human being?” There was no knowledge of autism, etc. I was just a dumb, disappointing kid.

Ultimately, I feel that I was “saved” by being a withdrawn loner - I believe I was “saved” by my autism. I tried to have as little to do with my father as possible. I loved my alone time. I was also “saved” by my obsessive passion for electronic circuits. I was always in trouble for dragging home old TV’s and radios from the dump to salvage parts for my designs. I was also always in trouble at school for drawing schematics instead of paying attention in class. But I did (and still do) have a learning disability. I am slow to understand and the teaches all went too fast. So, I did not do well in school, feeling lucky to make a “D”. As such, most of my education took place after school. I was basically self-taught from college textbooks at the library.

But as it turned out, with no college or degree, I still achieved my childhood dream of being an electronics design engineer. This happened, not by plan, or by goal or even a dream, but by taking the closest job to my passion that I could get – a repair or assembly technician. I tried college, but not only was there no money for tuition but, again I was too slow.

With each job, I would suggest improvements for circuits, and often had to prove the improvement. With each proof, my boss was very impressed with such a novel idea and I would get promoted which lead to better and better jobs. Eventually, I landed a job as a prototype technician at a contract electronics design lab. After many novel design improvement suggestions, my boss wanted me to do the final edits of all the engineer's designs. After a few years, I was finally promoted to Senior Design Engineer – my “impossible” childhood dream.

So, while it would have been great if I had gotten support from my parents, I guess it is not an absolute requirement. I would just say to cultivate and follow your passion. That is what Aspies excel at.
My parents congratulated me, but what stands out more to me is when they, especially my dad, would criticize me harshly. Especially my dad would hold me to NT standards and then accuse me of being lazy, not trying hard enough, and/or not caring when I couldn't meet them, so I grew up thinking my best wasn't good enough.

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