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Parenting while Autistic

Discussion in 'Parenting & Autism Discussions' started by Bridie, May 29, 2020.

  1. Bridie

    Bridie New Member

    Nov 23, 2019
    As my husband and I have been talking more and more seriously about having children I've had a lot of fear in the back of my mind about parenting while autistic for either an autistic or a neurotypical child.

    I worry that we'll both have meltdowns at the same time. I worry that I'll never be able to explain what's going on to my husband and so the "autistic portion" of raising an autistic child will be left to me. I worry that my neurotypical children would be jealous of the added relationship I would have with a child that shares my diagnosis. I worry that if I have an autistic son I might be jealous of how differently an autistic boy is treated as compared to an autistic girl.

    And in looking for answers about parenting while autistic I've found that most of the resources that do exist are for neurotypical parents of autistic children. I feel like is definitely a holdover of the idea that this is a children's disorder and therefore autistic parents of autistic children can't exist.

    I've been told not to worry, that I should imagine my children will be fine until proven otherwise, but the way I see it even if I have my children tested and diagnosed as early as possible there is discomfort and anger and pain that I could have spared that child if I for instance created a nursery or play spaces for them with sensory problems in mind or if I consider that a toddler's meltdown could also be overstimulation.

    Are there any other people who have gone through this? Does anyone have any resources that cater more to this kind of family?
  2. Rabscuttle

    Rabscuttle Member

    Dec 30, 2019
    The short answer: I hope so, but I don't. I can, however, tell you that being the (undiagnosed) Aspergian child of an (undiagnosed) Aspergian parent definitely had its difficulties. I don't know if it's simply that I'm farther along the scale than my father was, or that I inherited more of my mother's combative nature, or both, but there were scores of times when I'd be fighting with the two of them, and I'd look him in the eye and realize that he knew he should be on my side in this.

    I gained strength from those conflicts, but that strength came at a terrible price. A lot of suffering could have been avoided had we all been better informed. If you do have kids, watch them closely for the signs- and if they show them, get them screened.
  3. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Jan 7, 2015
    There is a strong hereditary link with autism, so there are fair chances if you have it, it will be passed on to children. I don't know what the chances are specifically. I've looked but can not find any recent figures, like for example 40% chance of passing it on, etc. They may not know.

    I would say a big factor is your own committment and ability to persist thru adversity. We all make mistakes and have failures, but do you learn from them and can you stay a difficult course long term? The motivation with children is love and is your love strong?

    I am on the spectrum and I have a son who is and a daughter who might be. But it is not a severe form and does not effect our intellectual or physical development so much as how our minds are wired, and are slower to mature in some ways. But it has gone well I would say. Between me and my NT wife we have managed. And it has been very rewarding and an unique aspect of life.
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