Parenting while Autistic

[Bridie]

As my husband and I have been talking more and more seriously about having children I've had a lot of fear in the back of my mind about parenting while autistic for either an autistic or a neurotypical child.

I worry that we'll both have meltdowns at the same time. I worry that I'll never be able to explain what's going on to my husband and so the "autistic portion" of raising an autistic child will be left to me. I worry that my neurotypical children would be jealous of the added relationship I would have with a child that shares my diagnosis. I worry that if I have an autistic son I might be jealous of how differently an autistic boy is treated as compared to an autistic girl.

And in looking for answers about parenting while autistic I've found that most of the resources that do exist are for neurotypical parents of autistic children. I feel like is definitely a holdover of the idea that this is a children's disorder and therefore autistic parents of autistic children can't exist.

I've been told not to worry, that I should imagine my children will be fine until proven otherwise, but the way I see it even if I have my children tested and diagnosed as early as possible there is discomfort and anger and pain that I could have spared that child if I for instance created a nursery or play spaces for them with sensory problems in mind or if I consider that a toddler's meltdown could also be overstimulation.

Are there any other people who have gone through this? Does anyone have any resources that cater more to this kind of family?

 

[Rabscuttle]

The short answer: I hope so, but I don't. I can, however, tell you that being the (undiagnosed) Aspergian child of an (undiagnosed) Aspergian parent definitely had its difficulties. I don't know if it's simply that I'm farther along the scale than my father was, or that I inherited more of my mother's combative nature, or both, but there were scores of times when I'd be fighting with the two of them, and I'd look him in the eye and realize that he knew he should be on my side in this.

I gained strength from those conflicts, but that strength came at a terrible price. A lot of suffering could have been avoided had we all been better informed. If you do have kids, watch them closely for the signs- and if they show them, get them screened.

 

[Tom]

There is a strong hereditary link with autism, so there are fair chances if you have it, it will be passed on to children. I don't know what the chances are specifically. I've looked but can not find any recent figures, like for example 40% chance of passing it on, etc. They may not know.

I would say a big factor is your own committment and ability to persist thru adversity. We all make mistakes and have failures, but do you learn from them and can you stay a difficult course long term? The motivation with children is love and is your love strong?

I am on the spectrum and I have a son who is and a daughter who might be. But it is not a severe form and does not effect our intellectual or physical development so much as how our minds are wired, and are slower to mature in some ways. But it has gone well I would say. Between me and my NT wife we have managed. And it has been very rewarding and an unique aspect of life.

 

[laurainthesky]

This is an old thread, but I would like to add. I likely have ASD which I figured out after my daughter was diagnosed. I have a lot of difficulty with babies because of their crying. I have had meltdowns of hitting myself in the head, but I've been able to avoid doing so in front of my children. I also have some issues with rigidity and transitions during normal family chaos. I am careful to avoid error finding. Thankfully my husband does everything I struggle with. I just had my third and last baby.

 

[JRMI2021]

I have a unique perspective. Quick summary: coming up on 1 mth, I received a dual ASD & ADHD diagnosis. Initially, I thought that it was just ADHD. Re: both conditions, the effects outwardly were so subtle that no one suspected until recently (I'm in my early 40's).

I don't know if I have "meltdowns." I do raise my voice to our son (he's 6), when he doesn't do what I ask him after multiple requests. My wife might define it as a bit of a tantrum, so maybe it is.

Regardless Bridie, I have to be honest and say that a meltdown could happen. For me, every time that I do raise my voice to him, I always talk it out with my son to explain why I raised my voice, that I don't like doing it and try to figure out how to do better (him, me or both). The other day I was walking him to school and he admitted his part in not listening the night before. It was very heartwarming.

For what it's worth, I would advise that, if you do have children, to lead with love. Even after I raise my voice to my son, out of frustration, he still knows that I love him. He doesn't yet know about my diagnoses (unsure how to approach this yet), but he does know that "daddy has bad days." He sees my flaws and knows that I work just as hard as him "to do better" (our words) the next time.

I hope that my words reassure you. This is my intent. I hope that they help.

As my husband and I have been talking more and more seriously about having children I've had a lot of fear in the back of my mind about parenting while autistic for either an autistic or a neurotypical child.

I worry that we'll both have meltdowns at the same time. I worry that I'll never be able to explain what's going on to my husband and so the "autistic portion" of raising an autistic child will be left to me. I worry that my neurotypical children would be jealous of the added relationship I would have with a child that shares my diagnosis. I worry that if I have an autistic son I might be jealous of how differently an autistic boy is treated as compared to an autistic girl.

And in looking for answers about parenting while autistic I've found that most of the resources that do exist are for neurotypical parents of autistic children. I feel like is definitely a holdover of the idea that this is a children's disorder and therefore autistic parents of autistic children can't exist.

I've been told not to worry, that I should imagine my children will be fine until proven otherwise, but the way I see it even if I have my children tested and diagnosed as early as possible there is discomfort and anger and pain that I could have spared that child if I for instance created a nursery or play spaces for them with sensory problems in mind or if I consider that a toddler's meltdown could also be overstimulation.

Are there any other people who have gone through this? Does anyone have any resources that cater more to this kind of family?

 

[Storm Hess]

As my husband and I have been talking more and more seriously about having children I've had a lot of fear in the back of my mind about parenting while autistic for either an autistic or a neurotypical child.

....

My wife and I have not been diagnosed as of yet, but had four different people in the mental health field point out on many occasions that we exhibit both ADHD and Aspergers traits. We have four children and it's not easy...but it has been a learning and rewarding experience (and continues to be). Without these experiences I wouldn't have learned how to deal with (some) overwhelming sensory meltdowns, how to maintain a relationship or better handle being around other people. It is worth it.