1 month weed free...mazal tov.
Tomorrow marks 1 month on my new diet. This is the longest I've managed eating healthier. In the past, I relapsed due to high stress levels, and I was also still abusing substances. Now I am approaching self-care through multiple avenues simultaneously:
Therapy, massage, regular sleep schedule (8+ hours a day), CBD oil, reading, exercise, yoga, sobriety and diet.
I feel a lot better equipped to keep going with this. I know why I relapsed in the past, and now I'm addressing these underlying issues. I've realised that my continued self-care and improvement will continue to grow and flourish.
I've gone from consuming barely any fruits or vegetables a day, to a daily intake of 15-20+ and it feels great. I've stopped drinking caffeine after midday, and my sleep is greatly improved. Quitting weed means that each night I'm having and remembering vivid dreams. These dreams leave me with plenty to ponder each morning. I've clearly got a lot of things that I am trying to process.
As of tomorrow I'll be moving away from processed hummus and guacamole, and making my own. Yesterday I came across a new red flag in my diet - grain and seed oils. When I analysed the ingredients of products in my weekly shopping list, I noticed numerous foods contained rapeseed, palm or other oils.
These are also ultra processed items. In the manufacturing process these oils are industrially produced, refined, bleached and deodourised. It's a far cry from the natural, antioxidant rich origins of these grains and seeds that these prolifically used oils were made from. Much like other ultra-processed foods and added sugar, these ingredients are ill-advised in our diets, as they all contribute to an increased risk of many preventable diseases. I read the other day that over 25% of adults in the UK are now obese, and on average over 50% of people's daily diet is comprised of ultra-processed foods. What on earth are we doing to ourselves? These ultra-processed foods are hyper palatable foods which wire our brain on a very self-destructive path.
Over the past few days I have been making a list of traumatic events in my life. I wrote little more than a sentence to remind myself of said event, so that it can be worked on and processed during my EMDR sessions. At the end of last week's therapy session, I asked if we could have a talk therapy session to discuss the notes she'd been taking during my visualisations in our sessions. I think I'd like to do one recap session a month. That way, we do 3 or 4 EMDR sessions and then one overview and talk therapy session.
As it stands, I wrote down over 20 traumatic events. These are events which transpired and where I got stuck - for days, weeks, and often months in a state of heightened anxiety, depression and a continous state of dread. These moments changed my outlook, and robbed me of a sense of safety in the moment, and far beyond.
Supposedly the average amount of EMDR sessions is around 10-12. I'm not entirely surprised mine will be double that. As people have often labelled me in the past; I know I'm very sensitive. When you're dealing with unresolved trauma, it makes you constantly feel on edge, and it means you're often more susceptible to further traumas, anxiety, depression etc. I have literally worried myself sick for decades.
I still find it ironic how many people have called me "chilled out". Truth be told, I've tried to learn how to relax and chill out as best as I could. It's the polar opposite to the chronic anxiety and stress that I encounter. After years of burnout, I often don't have much energy or willpower to do a great deal in my free time. Yet, I'm realising with all these self-care changes, I have a lot more willpower than I give myself credit for. This burnout was another red flag; and showed I had to re-evaluate where my life was going.
At the end of the day, I knew this 20 odd years of anxiety and depression wasn't for nothing. It was a sign of deeper rooted issues. Similarly, the past decade of daily aches and pains has also been a clear sign that was attempting to drive me towards change. Unfortunately, my initial approach to this daily discomfort was littered with attempts to self-soothe and disconnect further through substances and other addictions, in a bid to reduce the pain. In reality, it only compounded the problems I was facing.
My therapist agreed with my decision to cut certain people out of my life for the time being. In fact, she recommended I don't talk to these people until my therapy has concluded. She reminded me that the focus with EMDR is to heal oneself. My yoga teacher also said to be mindful of people who drain me.
Whilst I know it's the right approach, it feels difficult at times. Some of my more recent traumas occurred in my last relationship, and I feel wracked with guilt that we don't talk at present. Knowing that my EMDR sessions are likely to continue past summer, and that we're working through these traumatic memories in chronological order.
Truth is, we went from relationship to friendship with no gap inbetween to process. We continued to talk daily and met multiple times a week. We get on so well, and yet I was regularly being thrown into depressive, anxious and folorn states when we spoke. She was very understanding in my need to focus on myself, and to maintain radio silence for now. Yet this, along with cutting out 3 other friends hit me quite hard when it came to my prolonged sense of loneliness in life. To willingly disconnect from 4 people when my pool of friends is small already - it's been difficult at times.
On Saturday I bumped into an ex, and realised how much of a healer time is. Our relationship had been one of the most emotionally turbulent I'd ever experienced. When we met, the conversation was calm, and warm. It made me realise that in time, my friendship from my last relationship will be that way too. Truth be told, it was never lacking in warmth, but that was part of the problem. Going from breakup to friends never gave me the time to grieve the relationship ending, and my people pleasing and co-dependency ran deep in my friendship with her too.
In temporarily losing 4 friends, the loneliness encouraged me to reach out to others, and each week I have 3 phone calls with 3 different friends. I've connected with people who are also on a journey of self improvement through exercise, diet, yoga, and detatching from people in life who have drained their energy and made them anxious or depressed.
I know that in time I will meet new people and share in new experiences as well. At times, I can't help but feel guilty for cutting people out of my life. As a chronic people pleaser, drawing up a personal boundary feels odd to me. I'm the guy who struggles to say "no" even when it's for my own good.
Now that I'm saying no, and standing firm - part of me keeps trying to pipe in guilty thoughts and self-doubt. My lack of boundaries is why I become overwhelmed when I encounter intense emotions from others - their struggles become mine. Some people have suggested I am an empath. All I know is that any form of intense emotion hits me like a wave, and much like a cliff face, it erodes me. Yet I also go out of my way to be a peacekeeper. I attempt to reduce and prevent friction or struggles whenever I encounter them. Spreading yourself too thin trying to help other people, all the while taking from yourself in the process.
The reality is that I'm moving in the right direction, and in time I'm sure I will reconnect with these people. But not yet, and not for the forseeable. It seems like the road with my therapist will be a lot longer than I anticipated, but it's all for the greater good. These lifestyle changes have provided me with a pervasive feeling of calm. I still succumb to anxiety, depression and loneliness, but I have felt that these have been dispersed with noticeably longer periods of calm and content.
Over the next month I'm hoping that the van project will progress. Once the mechanic is done and I have bookings at the bodyshop and horse box companies - I think the project will rapidly evolve. The project and the large cost of my self-care choices has meant I will be quite poor over the coming months. With very little spare money, I'm learning to enjoy things that cost nothing. All the while I remind myself that once the van is done, I will enjoy a personal and financial freedom the likes of which I've never experienced before.
We're on the right path, and supposedly me sharing in my journey has inspired several of my friends in their path towards healing too. It was quite humbling to hear that, and I'm glad to have met each and every one of my friends. Whilst I can't be there for certain people right now - I still think of them regularly.
Ed
Tomorrow marks 1 month on my new diet. This is the longest I've managed eating healthier. In the past, I relapsed due to high stress levels, and I was also still abusing substances. Now I am approaching self-care through multiple avenues simultaneously:
Therapy, massage, regular sleep schedule (8+ hours a day), CBD oil, reading, exercise, yoga, sobriety and diet.
I feel a lot better equipped to keep going with this. I know why I relapsed in the past, and now I'm addressing these underlying issues. I've realised that my continued self-care and improvement will continue to grow and flourish.
I've gone from consuming barely any fruits or vegetables a day, to a daily intake of 15-20+ and it feels great. I've stopped drinking caffeine after midday, and my sleep is greatly improved. Quitting weed means that each night I'm having and remembering vivid dreams. These dreams leave me with plenty to ponder each morning. I've clearly got a lot of things that I am trying to process.
As of tomorrow I'll be moving away from processed hummus and guacamole, and making my own. Yesterday I came across a new red flag in my diet - grain and seed oils. When I analysed the ingredients of products in my weekly shopping list, I noticed numerous foods contained rapeseed, palm or other oils.
These are also ultra processed items. In the manufacturing process these oils are industrially produced, refined, bleached and deodourised. It's a far cry from the natural, antioxidant rich origins of these grains and seeds that these prolifically used oils were made from. Much like other ultra-processed foods and added sugar, these ingredients are ill-advised in our diets, as they all contribute to an increased risk of many preventable diseases. I read the other day that over 25% of adults in the UK are now obese, and on average over 50% of people's daily diet is comprised of ultra-processed foods. What on earth are we doing to ourselves? These ultra-processed foods are hyper palatable foods which wire our brain on a very self-destructive path.
Over the past few days I have been making a list of traumatic events in my life. I wrote little more than a sentence to remind myself of said event, so that it can be worked on and processed during my EMDR sessions. At the end of last week's therapy session, I asked if we could have a talk therapy session to discuss the notes she'd been taking during my visualisations in our sessions. I think I'd like to do one recap session a month. That way, we do 3 or 4 EMDR sessions and then one overview and talk therapy session.
As it stands, I wrote down over 20 traumatic events. These are events which transpired and where I got stuck - for days, weeks, and often months in a state of heightened anxiety, depression and a continous state of dread. These moments changed my outlook, and robbed me of a sense of safety in the moment, and far beyond.
Supposedly the average amount of EMDR sessions is around 10-12. I'm not entirely surprised mine will be double that. As people have often labelled me in the past; I know I'm very sensitive. When you're dealing with unresolved trauma, it makes you constantly feel on edge, and it means you're often more susceptible to further traumas, anxiety, depression etc. I have literally worried myself sick for decades.
I still find it ironic how many people have called me "chilled out". Truth be told, I've tried to learn how to relax and chill out as best as I could. It's the polar opposite to the chronic anxiety and stress that I encounter. After years of burnout, I often don't have much energy or willpower to do a great deal in my free time. Yet, I'm realising with all these self-care changes, I have a lot more willpower than I give myself credit for. This burnout was another red flag; and showed I had to re-evaluate where my life was going.
At the end of the day, I knew this 20 odd years of anxiety and depression wasn't for nothing. It was a sign of deeper rooted issues. Similarly, the past decade of daily aches and pains has also been a clear sign that was attempting to drive me towards change. Unfortunately, my initial approach to this daily discomfort was littered with attempts to self-soothe and disconnect further through substances and other addictions, in a bid to reduce the pain. In reality, it only compounded the problems I was facing.
My therapist agreed with my decision to cut certain people out of my life for the time being. In fact, she recommended I don't talk to these people until my therapy has concluded. She reminded me that the focus with EMDR is to heal oneself. My yoga teacher also said to be mindful of people who drain me.
Whilst I know it's the right approach, it feels difficult at times. Some of my more recent traumas occurred in my last relationship, and I feel wracked with guilt that we don't talk at present. Knowing that my EMDR sessions are likely to continue past summer, and that we're working through these traumatic memories in chronological order.
Truth is, we went from relationship to friendship with no gap inbetween to process. We continued to talk daily and met multiple times a week. We get on so well, and yet I was regularly being thrown into depressive, anxious and folorn states when we spoke. She was very understanding in my need to focus on myself, and to maintain radio silence for now. Yet this, along with cutting out 3 other friends hit me quite hard when it came to my prolonged sense of loneliness in life. To willingly disconnect from 4 people when my pool of friends is small already - it's been difficult at times.
On Saturday I bumped into an ex, and realised how much of a healer time is. Our relationship had been one of the most emotionally turbulent I'd ever experienced. When we met, the conversation was calm, and warm. It made me realise that in time, my friendship from my last relationship will be that way too. Truth be told, it was never lacking in warmth, but that was part of the problem. Going from breakup to friends never gave me the time to grieve the relationship ending, and my people pleasing and co-dependency ran deep in my friendship with her too.
In temporarily losing 4 friends, the loneliness encouraged me to reach out to others, and each week I have 3 phone calls with 3 different friends. I've connected with people who are also on a journey of self improvement through exercise, diet, yoga, and detatching from people in life who have drained their energy and made them anxious or depressed.
I know that in time I will meet new people and share in new experiences as well. At times, I can't help but feel guilty for cutting people out of my life. As a chronic people pleaser, drawing up a personal boundary feels odd to me. I'm the guy who struggles to say "no" even when it's for my own good.
Now that I'm saying no, and standing firm - part of me keeps trying to pipe in guilty thoughts and self-doubt. My lack of boundaries is why I become overwhelmed when I encounter intense emotions from others - their struggles become mine. Some people have suggested I am an empath. All I know is that any form of intense emotion hits me like a wave, and much like a cliff face, it erodes me. Yet I also go out of my way to be a peacekeeper. I attempt to reduce and prevent friction or struggles whenever I encounter them. Spreading yourself too thin trying to help other people, all the while taking from yourself in the process.
The reality is that I'm moving in the right direction, and in time I'm sure I will reconnect with these people. But not yet, and not for the forseeable. It seems like the road with my therapist will be a lot longer than I anticipated, but it's all for the greater good. These lifestyle changes have provided me with a pervasive feeling of calm. I still succumb to anxiety, depression and loneliness, but I have felt that these have been dispersed with noticeably longer periods of calm and content.
Over the next month I'm hoping that the van project will progress. Once the mechanic is done and I have bookings at the bodyshop and horse box companies - I think the project will rapidly evolve. The project and the large cost of my self-care choices has meant I will be quite poor over the coming months. With very little spare money, I'm learning to enjoy things that cost nothing. All the while I remind myself that once the van is done, I will enjoy a personal and financial freedom the likes of which I've never experienced before.
We're on the right path, and supposedly me sharing in my journey has inspired several of my friends in their path towards healing too. It was quite humbling to hear that, and I'm glad to have met each and every one of my friends. Whilst I can't be there for certain people right now - I still think of them regularly.
Ed
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