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Ok, I'm going t ask this question, but very reluctant.

mylife2023

Active Member
My Aspie crush (we've been on 2 dates and the second was very intense and we kissed and he brought up sexual things.). Haven't seen him in 3 weeks since. He has been busy the last two times I've asked to see him. All of my NT friends say that I should just ignore him for 2 weeks and see if he even cares to contact me. He has never initiated a conversation, date, text, etc.... I know he his interested because he's told me. He behaves just like a lot of Aspies say they think and act around someone they're interested in. I just don't know what to do with him. My NT friends have said, "make him chase you. Maybe he wants to do the chasing" or " If he really wants this, he will reach out, it always takes 14 days. He will, just don't engage him."

Ive played that game before in a NT relationship. It does work. However, my gut tells me to not do that with my guy. I don't want him to think I've just given up. I also don't want him to feel like I am rejecting him. I don't want to hurt this man in any way, shape or form. But, I am becoming the one that fears rejection. I'm afraid to ask him out again. We left that second date on very good terms and frankly, I've never been kissed like that before in my entire life! BUT... it's been almost a month since I've seen him. He hates his phone and doesn't like texting or talking on the phone. He's older, so not sure if that has anything to do with that. I just don't know how to progress from here. He wants to get to know one another, he says, but has asked me very little about myself. He will answer any questions I ask him about himself, though.

Thoughts?
 
If you were to read this post from someone else, what advice would you give to them?
 
Well from an NT perspective he’s just playing you and is probably a narc. From the perspective of him possibly being an aspie and knowing how well the last date went and the reasons he has not wanted to meet me the last two times I would say just try again next weekend or whenever you’re able to be there.

I just don’t know how much to keep texting. Every three days? Once a week? Not at all? Idk. It’s our only source of communication.
 
My Aspie crush (we've been on 2 dates and the second was very intense and we kissed and he brought up sexual things.). Haven't seen him in 3 weeks since. He has been busy the last two times I've asked to see him. All of my NT friends say that I should just ignore him for 2 weeks and see if he even cares to contact me. He has never initiated a conversation, date, text, etc.... I know he his interested because he's told me. He behaves just like a lot of Aspies say they think and act around someone they're interested in. I just don't know what to do with him. My NT friends have said, "make him chase you. Maybe he wants to do the chasing" or " If he really wants this, he will reach out, it always takes 14 days. He will, just don't engage him."

Ive played that game before in a NT relationship. It does work. However, my gut tells me to not do that with my guy. I don't want him to think I've just given up. I also don't want him to feel like I am rejecting him. I don't want to hurt this man in any way, shape or form. But, I am becoming the one that fears rejection. I'm afraid to ask him out again. We left that second date on very good terms and frankly, I've never been kissed like that before in my entire life! BUT... it's been almost a month since I've seen him. He hates his phone and doesn't like texting or talking on the phone. He's older, so not sure if that has anything to do with that. I just don't know how to progress from here. He wants to get to know one another, he says, but has asked me very little about myself. He will answer any questions I ask him about himself, though.

Thoughts?
Your friends don't know autism and what they have with regards to advice is ridiculous in this context.

1. If he is truly autistic, he is not going to understand the concept of ignoring him. He will likely just take it as "you don't like him", he will take it as just one more in a long list of rejections, and he won't pursue. Any little "cat and mouse" games, he won't understand and will likely just confuse and piss him off. He won't get your cute little hints and suggestions, either. Be direct. He will appreciate that from you.

2. If you are interested, ask him out. Just do it. Aspie men often don't know how to properly engage with a woman, and end up with failure after failure. It's really difficult for us, and it continues on even if we are married. I've been married for 36 years. Lots of silence. I don't know how to engage in small talk and start a meaningful conversation. I make sure my wife gets her time with her friends. There are certain things I, frankly, am incapable of with regards to conversation skills. I get directly to the point whenever I can, but it's still difficult. I can formulate my thoughts in a written format, but terrible when it comes to speaking. I really struggle with verbal communication and getting my thoughts across in a meaningful way.

3. My mind is always thinking, a constant internal monologue, but I have zero idea of what my wife is thinking. She literally has to tell me. She must be direct. I have no clue. I have been with this woman for 38 years, raised 2 kids, we spend a lot of time together, and yet, have no sense of how to predict her. All I can go on is our past history to sort of guide me. I will never, ever "know" my wife. That's a hard pill to swallow for the both of us.

Welcome to the Aspie man.
 
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When I was young I never really thought about how I must appear to others so very different, then.
Maybe just got too close and withdrew but I meant it.
Some people are bad at communication like getting to know you, is he talking about himself or you ask questions, maybe doesn't realise he's being unsociable. Have you tried telling him about you, then hinting and waiting to see if he can reciprocate otherwise dating him is going to be cold as he can't snap out himself.
Is he worth it, would you miss him...I had shy guy once and I eventually got tired of him unable to relate or bother about me, he said wasn't like that but I got tired of initiating.
 
Always go with your gut. Always.

Every animal on this planet relies on instinct. Most humans lose it as they get older and start second guessing themselves more than relying on what their instincts suggest.

Deliberate radio silence to goad someone into talking to you isn't pleasant behaviour.

Ed
 
How can there be any benefit to you to deliberately play games that are meant to manipulate someone else’s behavior? I’m just wondering if you would honestly ever give this advice to somebody else?

To me, it seems like games should occur on boards are with cards where everyone is a willing participant and understands the rules.
 
We're showing our age. :cool:
That’s what I thought it was, and I am 42.

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How can there be any benefit to you to deliberately play games that are meant to manipulate someone else’s behavior? I’m just wondering if you would honestly ever give this advice to somebody else?

To me, it seems like games should occur on boards are with cards where everyone is a willing participant and understands the rules.
I agree. I have friends that swear it works in their relationships but they’re constantly in relationships. I just wanna be what I need to be for this man and not lose my self in the process. Does that make sense? I’m willing to wait it out i have just never had such a hard time. I’ve never been the pursuer. It wreaks havoc in my own insecurities.
 
I agree. I have friends that swear it works in their relationships but they’re constantly in relationships. I just wanna be what I need to be for this man and not lose my self in the process. Does that make sense? I’m willing to wait it out i have just never had such a hard time. I’ve never been the pursuer. It wreaks havoc in my own insecurities.
It makes sense that you are battling insecurities, and I think many of us can understand that. I would ask you in the gentlest way possible are you sure that it isn’t the idea of a relationship and the physical relationship that you are wanting more than this man in particular? He is showing you his true colors and in my opinion he is not doing anything wrong, but he is also not a complementary match to what you are really wanting.
 
The physical is nice and he is all about that I think? And it’s not that it’s not complementary to what I’m wanting, it’s just not what I’m used to in regards to starting off a relationship …. One that I do want very much on many levels. I miss him and want this to work.
 
The physical is nice and he is all about that I think? And it’s not that it’s not complementary to what I’m wanting, it’s just not what I’m used to in regards to starting off a relationship …. One that I do want very much on many levels. I miss him and want this to work.
I’ve been hurt and don’t jump easily. He’s told me that he doesn’t jump easily either. It’s just so long between seeing one another and little communication during that time.
 
The physical is nice and he is all about that I think? And it’s not that it’s not complementary to what I’m wanting, it’s just not what I’m used to in regards to starting off a relationship …. One that I do want very much on many levels. I miss him and want this to work.
I was saying that his natural style of communication is not complementary to yours. These are observations, not criticisms. Since you’ve started posting about this person you have wanted more from him. Always wanting more and something different. This will leave you ultimately feeling empty and resentful, and if he is able to change in the ways that you wish he would, then he too will grow resentful and weary of being asked to be something he is not. I’m saying look at the basis of the relationship, communication, and consider if it is this difficult at this point in the relationship and you are seeking our advice on each step, how will this play out in the long run? Are you sure it is not the idea that you really want. The reality sounds like it is some thing very different.
 
I really don’t see where this guy has done anything wrong. He has been consistent from the very beginning and he never said that he wanted a relationship. I’m not trying to say that OP is doing anything terribly wrong either, it’s just a matter of two people with different modes of operating.
 
Like it or not, you're going to take the lead in the relationship. I can be warm, loving, caring, give her the lifestyle she wants, show her affection, support her, respect her, etc. However, when it comes to initiation, of things like intimacy, or even when we were dating, she had to initiate, because I couldn't read her, didn't want to overstep, and would wait for her communication that she was wanting something. I know some women want a man to lead, even take some control, but those skills, if done right, requires quite a bit of communication complexity and nuance that I don't have. I don't suspect many Aspie men would have. We are always waiting for the "green light" and sometimes it also requires a "honk on the horn" to get us to move, if you catch my analogy there.
 
I do not believe most people on the spectrum would behave like this person if they were actually interested. We might come accross as different but would not demonstrate interest by a complete lack of it.

Maybe it's an unusual case of autism or maybe it's other things or both. But something to consider is if this is how he treats you now, it is not very likely to change. WYSIWYG.
 

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