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Not all NTs love socialising

M

Misty Avich

I prefer to be referred to as ADHD
V.I.P Member
Many Aspies mark the whole NT population as "extreme social creatures with no interests other than socialising". But, in reality, they don't all live their lives like that.
I'm a sociable person and I like people, but I can be shy too, but I tend to force myself to attend social situations (not that I don't like social situations) because if I don't I feel like I'm being autistic. But many NTs avoid social situations too, even if they seem extroverted. So it doesn't always mean you're autistic just because you would rather stay home or do your own thing than go to a party.

My husband's daughter is an extroverted NT, and I've met her boyfriend a few times, who also seems like an extroverted NT. I know he's an NT (I can usually instinctively sense when someone may not be an NT, especially in males, even if they're highly social and seem normal, but with him I can instinctively tell he's not autistic or other ND type at all). But he often avoids social gatherings and my husband's daughter usually turns up to family gatherings alone without him. She doesn't mind. I once asked her if he was shy and she said he's not shy but just social gatherings aren't really his thing so often makes excuses to avoid going, preferring to pursue his hobby instead, which is fishing.

So you don't have to be autistic to not jump at the invite of a party. And I need to stop being embarrassed about my shyness and just sometimes openly admit that I'm not the life and soul of a party and that sometimes I don't always have to attend a party if I don't want to. I do enjoy socialising though, but at the same time I do get fidgety and restless at parties. I prefer to go to parties where you don't need to wear smart or "dressy" clothes. I'm going to openly admit that I don't like going out for work dos at Christmas or any other time of the year.

Saying no to a party doesn't mean you're autistic, or it won't make people immediately go "oh, he/she must be autistic because they don't always attend social gatherings".
 
I don't think I have ever heard a serious discussion of introverts or extroverts within a context of autism. I've always thought of myself as being introverted, but never even considered autism until 2013.

Though I suspect autistic people who are extroverts are probably in far lower numbers.
 
The thing is, I'm not socially clueless. I'm just socially awkward, which are sometimes two different things. I know all the social cues without having to think, but I can lack confidence in certain situations, making me talk less and feeling self-conscious. I can also be too polite, like if I'm at someone else's house I avoid using their bathroom even if I need to go, even though they wouldn't mind at all. The last time I went to someone's house for a social gathering they said I could help myself to a drink from the fridge, but for some reason I felt uncomfortable opening someone else's fridge and pouring myself a drink, so I just sat and waited for them to offer me a drink. Then I got told off by the host for not helping myself (not literally, just in a friendly and compassionate way, which really meant "you needn't be this polite but I think it's sweet you're this polite, it shows something about your nice-natured character, bless you" type of thing).
I've always been like this at other people's houses.
 
Misty Avich said:
I can usually instinctively sense when someone may not be an NT, especially in males, even if they're highly social and seem normal,
Click to expand...
Weird question, but how would you sense this in somebody of the opposite sex (such as a woman)?
 
mysterionz said:
Weird question, but how would you sense this in somebody of the opposite sex (such as a woman)?
Click to expand...
In women I seem to miss any signs of ND unless it's obvious. I've met male Aspies before and something has always told me that they're on the spectrum even though they weren't obvious or doing anything stereotypically autistic. Then I found out by them or by someone else that I was right.
With females it seems to be different for some reason. I have a female friend with Asperger's, and I had no clue she had anything, I thought she was just a shy NT. She then revealed to me that she has Asperger's. I was quite surprised.
 
On a stage, I can be as outgoing and expressive as any person. I love singing or acting for a crowd. Forty years ago, I might even be dancing - keeping it VERY simple. But that isn't being social. It is a scripted activity. They aren't potential friends, they are an audience, and I'm into being an entertainer.

I even ran for public office a couple of times, and being in a public debate or making a speech never bothered me.

Get me into a general social group, and I swing immediately to introversion. I don't understand the point of half the conversations, and the other half don't interest me. If I enter a conversation, I'm always worried about saying the wrong thing, often violating some invisible TMI boundary or being too enthusiastic and chasing people away. I don't try to talk about my interests because I know it won't be interesting to them. I'll nod, make affirmative noises, and be on my way. It stresses me and burns me out quickly.

If it happens to be a group of nudists or photographers or scientists, at least I'll have a useful topic and can hope someone might share my enthusiasm. If enthusiasm is shared, I can become very extroverted.
 
It took me a while to realize I'm an extravert. My masking has been posing as an introvert. As far as I can make out, we are not supposed to exist by the academic autistic community.

Went to seem my brother today. Asked him about autism as he has an undergraduate degree in phycology.
during his time, it was considered a disease that could be treated. not even part of the curriculum. boy times have changed. I asked my brother to join this forum.
 
My husband is an NT and not all social and as obsessions too and is blunt; in fact, far more than I am, because as a child, I did not like the reaction I got when I said things, that for me, did not seem out of the ordinary, which resulted in me being more quiet than talkative, as I felt that what ever I said, was wrong! Whereas my husband does not care. He says it for fun!

I too can detect someone on the neurodiverse spectrum.
 
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Misty Avich said:
The thing is, I'm not socially clueless. I'm just socially awkward, which are sometimes two different things. I know all the social cues without having to think, but I can lack confidence in certain situations, making me talk less and feeling self-conscious. I can also be too polite,
Click to expand...
Same. And I can be socially awkward if I don't think about it enough. Awkward in the way that I can be blunt or have unfortunate timing for saying something, have unfortunate phrasing and comparisons. But I'm aware when it's awkward, I just don't always want to overthink, imo it borders on paranoia to judge someone behaviour all the time. Why can't some people just chill out and have a laugh at the situation or something?
 
Misty Avich said:
Many Aspies mark the whole NT population as "extreme social creatures with no interests other than socialising". But, in reality, they don't all live their lives like that.
I'm a sociable person and I like people, but I can be shy too, but I tend to force myself to attend social situations (not that I don't like social situations) because if I don't I feel like I'm being autistic. But many NTs avoid social situations too, even if they seem extroverted. So it doesn't always mean you're autistic just because you would rather stay home or do your own thing than go to a party.

My husband's daughter is an extroverted NT, and I've met her boyfriend a few times, who also seems like an extroverted NT. I know he's an NT (I can usually instinctively sense when someone may not be an NT, especially in males, even if they're highly social and seem normal, but with him I can instinctively tell he's not autistic or other ND type at all). But he often avoids social gatherings and my husband's daughter usually turns up to family gatherings alone without him. She doesn't mind. I once asked her if he was shy and she said he's not shy but just social gatherings aren't really his thing so often makes excuses to avoid going, preferring to pursue his hobby instead, which is fishing.

So you don't have to be autistic to not jump at the invite of a party. And I need to stop being embarrassed about my shyness and just sometimes openly admit that I'm not the life and soul of a party and that sometimes I don't always have to attend a party if I don't want to. I do enjoy socialising though, but at the same time I do get fidgety and restless at parties. I prefer to go to parties where you don't need to wear smart or "dressy" clothes. I'm going to openly admit that I don't like going out for work dos at Christmas or any other time of the year.

Saying no to a party doesn't mean you're autistic, or it won't make people immediately go "oh, he/she must be autistic because they don't always attend social gatherings".
Click to expand...

I do not think that all NT are extroverts, a lot are introverts too
But there are autistic extroverts too.
I myself I would say I enjoy people as long as they do not aggravate me too much and especially those I can be myself around.
It comes and goes. I have had bad days where I cannot even stand people
I have not found this problem with autistics though.
I generally love being with them on here, I think visually it can be more burnout because you may be triggered by appearance and sensory
I have days where I love people and they bring me so much joy, I still love helping people but am burnt out. I love helping others when they respect it and me and are thankful.
And do not treat me like a dummy who knows nothing because it ain't true.
But I am burnt out but still do it sometimes on the sly.
But also I have days where I love being alone in my bed with books and no one to disturb me.
But I am am introvert because they are my favorite moments but I can have fun socially too.
 
Misty Avich said:
Many Aspies mark the whole NT population as "extreme social creatures with no interests other than socialising". But, in reality, they don't all live their lives like that.
I'm a sociable person and I like people, but I can be shy too, but I tend to force myself to attend social situations (not that I don't like social situations) because if I don't I feel like I'm being autistic. But many NTs avoid social situations too, even if they seem extroverted. So it doesn't always mean you're autistic just because you would rather stay home or do your own thing than go to a party.

My husband's daughter is an extroverted NT, and I've met her boyfriend a few times, who also seems like an extroverted NT. I know he's an NT (I can usually instinctively sense when someone may not be an NT, especially in males, even if they're highly social and seem normal, but with him I can instinctively tell he's not autistic or other ND type at all). But he often avoids social gatherings and my husband's daughter usually turns up to family gatherings alone without him. She doesn't mind. I once asked her if he was shy and she said he's not shy but just social gatherings aren't really his thing so often makes excuses to avoid going, preferring to pursue his hobby instead, which is fishing.

So you don't have to be autistic to not jump at the invite of a party. And I need to stop being embarrassed about my shyness and just sometimes openly admit that I'm not the life and soul of a party and that sometimes I don't always have to attend a party if I don't want to. I do enjoy socialising though, but at the same time I do get fidgety and restless at parties. I prefer to go to parties where you don't need to wear smart or "dressy" clothes. I'm going to openly admit that I don't like going out for work dos at Christmas or any other time of the year.

Saying no to a party doesn't mean you're autistic, or it won't make people immediately go "oh, he/she must be autistic because they don't always attend social gatherings".
Click to expand...
You're bringing up a good observation that many people simply don't think about: The difference between being "introverted" and the symptoms commonly associated with autism. To oversimplify, one might say that a neurotypical introvert doesn't have the communication difficulties, sensory issues, and/or psychological traumas of an autistic. It's a whole different perspective.
 
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True introvertism isn't being shy or anxious. It's that someone is more sensitive and interactions and not very peaceful activities are tiring for them and they need to recharge. It's not the same as being shy / afraid of otger people's opinions. Introverts also have social needs too, but prefer fewer and deeper connections instead of many shallower ones.
Also, most people are ambiverts, so sometimes they need time alone and sometimes want to socialise.

And...
Misty Avich said:
Many Aspies mark the whole NT population as "extreme social creatures with no interests other than socialising".
Click to expand...
Obviously that's not true.

There seems to be some kind of popular point of view in the autistic community, that I think stems from a certain perspective that I don't share. I don't think I have major social difficulties, I have considered myself somewhat introverted my whole life and I think it describes me best. Not completely introverted, but to a degree. Introvertism comes down to the need to spend time alone, in peace, and having higher sensitivity and therefore thinking about things more deeply than the average person. A dislike for large groups. Introverts are social, but prefer to have a couple of good friends to 50 but superficial.

On the other hand, people on the autism spectrum can be very extraverted, just having different social behaviours than non-autistic people. I have a friend who is very friendly and outgoing, but he struggles to read what other people feel and why. He's very analytical. He doesn't seem to be aware that he might be asking too nosey questions or that he is being too open and said something that might make others uneasy, for example, and he needs to be told things like that.
 
I love socializing. listening to others converse even if i say nothing. rally enjoyed hanging with supplier reps in the lab, I do most of the talking, they loved listening to me as I was so knowledgeable with the industry which made their jobs easier. On top of being an Aspie I am also bright so do not say to many stupid things. the other fallacy is we cannot read people I always could. Tempel Grandin reads animals I read people.
 
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Misty Avich said:
The thing is, I'm not socially clueless. I'm just socially awkward, which are sometimes two different things. I know all the social cues without having to think, but I can lack confidence in certain situations, making me talk less and feeling self-conscious. I can also be too polite, like if I'm at someone else's house I avoid using their bathroom even if I need to go, even though they wouldn't mind at all. The last time I went to someone's house for a social gathering they said I could help myself to a drink from the fridge, but for some reason I felt uncomfortable opening someone else's fridge and pouring myself a drink, so I just sat and waited for them to offer me a drink. Then I got told off by the host for not helping myself (not literally, just in a friendly and compassionate way, which really meant "you needn't be this polite but I think it's sweet you're this polite, it shows something about your nice-natured character, bless you" type of thing).
I've always been like this at other people's houses.
Click to expand...
I am the same ...it's a mix that can't be define
 
"Introvert" and "Extrovert" personality types have been accepted for many many years and long before autism was even a diagnosis. Highly doubtful that all people previously or currently considered to be "introverts" were/are in fact autistic. I agree therefore that NTs can be "introverts". Keep in mind there are also diagnoses that are non-autism related that can be a reason an NT does not like socializing.
 
I think it's from when I read memes by introverts but not necessarily autistic but that a lot of introverted NTs can relate to, and it often lists a lot of autism symptoms (don't like small talk, are socially awkward, dislike crowds and are shy, withdrawn and overwhelmed). As a sort-of spectrumer even I can't relate to all that. Small talk is easier than deep conversations when I don't know people very well. I get too shy to initiate conversations in social gatherings but if I can relate to whatever the others are talking about then I chip in to the conversation. I smile a lot and make a lot of eye contact, which attracts people to me and they smile back and sometimes initiate conversation, usually small talk.
But like I said here before, I have social anxiety and lack social confidence. I read somewhere that NTs with social anxiety are supposed to hate socialising. But I think it's unnecessarily black and white to use such extreme words like 'hate' when talking about a whole group of people, because not everyone's the same.

I prefer socialising during the day than at night, and at people's houses or in a hired place like a hall. I avoid nightclubs like the plague, because I become incredibly self-conscious and I don't like the sort of people that go to them, and being around drunk people makes me really anxious. I'm sorry but I really don't have time for drunk people.
 
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