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Never wanted kids?

nyxjord

nyxjord

Well-Known Member
Has anyone on ac never wanted kids? I've never in all my life had any desire to reproduce. I know that is very very strange to people when I tell them that and I'm thinking about whether it's my neurology or my childhood. I had a terrible childhood, with parents who drank constantly and was pretty much an orphan at the age of 7... I was changing my sisters diapers at age 5 and was basically expected to raise them. Now that I'm engaged, I'm constantly asked when my fiance and I will have our own children (he has two from a previous marriage). I always say never (because we already have two) and because I've never ever wanted any 'of my own.' I've never felt that maternal need to raise kids and I've never felt that compulsion to pass on my genes to the next generation. Honestly, taking care of screaming infants and back talking children sounds like a nightmare to me. Am I completely alone in this?
 
I've never had any desire to have kids either(of course I'm only 20 and I'm the type who couldn't have a relationship for more than 5 seconds anyway) but I never really understood why so many people want to have children, I have zero interest in babies, so I guess I lack that kind of maternal instinct. I'm glad to know I'm not totally alone in this.
 
Very much so, creating and bringing up kids seems to take an enormous investment of finance & emotion not to mention time.
The so-called "biological clock" or if you like the genetic imperative to breed never switched on for me and for that I am supremely grateful.

Children go through phases during their maturation where they disrespect and take for granted the parent. I would be so pissed off with that so I choose not to do so plus there is the added disincentive of not wishing to bring a life into our current society.

I mean, why would you deliberately set someone up to fail ? Why would anyone do that ?
 
I did the same thing when I was seventeen with my sister, and yes it's difficult, however you'll have a friend for life in them. I think it could be a truly rewarding experience and I personally wouldn't mind having them.

As for what your aversion is based on, a bad childhood or your condition. I think it might be a bit of both for you.
 
If you don't want kids, that's your prerogative, however I will also say this, you might be delightfully surprised as well should it come around and if it does, take it with positivity. You're older now and it will be different from when you were a child.
 
If you don't wish to have children then you should resist pressure to have them (it's not for everybody).

I do have children who are now both adults and while getting them there required a great deal of work from both me and my ex I now have a very good feeling about having played a significant role in the development of two wonderful young men (ok - I'm biased).

An unexpected upside is that on really bad days when I find myself wishing there was a 'fast-forward' button, thinking of them makes me feel better. Also the prospect of one day (maybe) seeing some grandchildren (who I would adore) is also a big positive for me ;)
 
Here is another similar thread:
Who else doesn't want kids? | AspiesCentral.com

I recalled the discussion I just linked, but FYI that if you put key words into the Search Box (top right corner, below your Profile Name) you can search for other related topics.

I too never wanted children. I am an "NT" although I have a LOT in common with many here at AC.

From the time I was VERY young, I remember just never desiring having kids or the idea of having a "family". I always pictured myself as having a career, & also hoped to eventually marry someone who would be a great husband/partner. I also always wanted to have pets. When I was very little I had one beloved baby doll but otherwise always played with a tiny people family & those small plastic animals (farm, jungle, dogs & cats, etc...) which I also collected. Meanwhile my sister had a bunch of different dolls & played with them all the time. She also said from the time she was very little that she wanted to have a large family when she grew up. Her desire & plan to have children never changed. She was also lucky to marry a wonderful man who is a terrific husband & father to the kids they both wanted.

As I grew up & older I still never wanted kids but I began to associate actual 'reasons' (which maybe someday I'll list) for not wanting them. All through my 20's & 30's some people - mainly work colleagues & strangers, not my own family or friends - would question & nag me about not wanting children ... telling me how I would be missing out, who would take care of me when I was old, & also wondering what horrible trauma had caused me to not want kids.

I always 'liked' kids & am very compassionate to anyone who is hurting or needs help, but truthfully I found very young kids to be a bit of an annoyance ..... loud, messy & inconvenient. :p I did a lot of fun things with my husband's nieces & nephews, & was very generous to them, but small doses of time together is not the same as being with them 24/7. I was also never a baby 'lover' meaning someone who 'swoons & fawns' over babies.

Fast forward to my sister's first child being born. When she first announced to us ... SO HAPPILY ... at a family Christmas that she was expecting a baby, I was secretly sad & disappointed. I was happy for her but inside was so sad thinking that this is our LAST wonderful family (adult) Christmas as we know it. I pictured a crying baby & everything changing. I didn't share that with anyone except my husband because I knew it was such a selfish & hurtful reaction, but it was how I felt deep down.

My niece was born that spring, & I met her when she was a couple days old. I don't know why, but I fell in love with that little girl from the moment I held her in my arms. I absolutely adored her & it has never changed. (She & I are actually much alike & have always had a special bond.) EVERYTHING did completely change in our overall family after kids arrived, but I could not imagine life without them. When you love them they are a JOY, even when they are a pain in the butt or misbehaving.

I NEVER thought I would feel this way, but just a few years ago it finally hit me, Regret. And the thought that I had made a mistake in not having my own children. It does not depress me though nor is something I dwell on. It is what it is. And if I am completely honest with myself, the regret is for myself, selfishly, that I will not be surrounded in old age by children & grandchildren who love me.

I'm sharing my own experience in case it's helpful to you or others.

It is a very personal decision. Kids are financially expensive, selfish by nature, demanding, a 24/7 commitment, & more. They are a LOT of hard work & the biggest responsibility in the world IMO. I'm sure you already know all that from your finance's children, & should you marry you will be a step-parent so not totally childless.

Everyone is different, & there is nothing wrong with not wanting or not having children.
 
I'm now 43 years old and I never wanted to have kids, either. I never felt the maternal instinct or need to reproduce to pass on my genes. Also, I need a lot of alone time after work and I don't know I'd cope with their noise and constant demands on my attention and time. I don't know how I'd manage such issues such as discipline or testing boundaries and defiance, especially in puberty. Also, I don't like pain, and the whole idea of pregnancy and giving birth is terrifying... gruesome! I could never go through that. I'd worry that I wouldn't bond with the child, and be able to give him/her what he/she needs as a mother. Society has certain expectations as far as fulfilling roles is concerned, and I don't think I could meet the expectations society has of mothers and I'd be judged for it. I don't think I'd be a good mother.
 
nyxjord said:
Has anyone on ac never wanted kids? I've never in all my life had any desire to reproduce. I know that is very very strange to people when I tell them that and I'm thinking about whether it's my neurology or my childhood. I had a terrible childhood, with parents who drank constantly and was pretty much an orphan at the age of 7... I was changing my sisters diapers at age 5 and was basically expected to raise them. Now that I'm engaged, I'm constantly asked when my fiance and I will have our own children (he has two from a previous marriage). I always say never (because we already have two) and because I've never ever wanted any 'of my own.' I've never felt that maternal need to raise kids and I've never felt that compulsion to pass on my genes to the next generation. Honestly, taking care of screaming infants and back talking children sounds like a nightmare to me. Am I completely alone in this?
Click to expand...
PS - I had spotted this thread & read a few comments, but was just able to read your entire post. I completely understand your feelings & the reasons behind them. I felt much the same way. I reiterate that there is nothing wrong with not wanting children (I never did either), & you have very legitimate reasons to not want them. In addition, as you pointed out, you will also be a step Mom so will not be childless - for those who inquire. I experienced the same thing from people wondering how & why I did not want kids, so I know what you are going through. I am 50 (twice your age! :D) & I think you deserve to focus on yourself. :)
 
Progster said:
I'm now 43 years old and I never wanted to have kids, either. I never felt the maternal instinct or need to reproduce to pass on my genes. Also, I need a lot of alone time after work and I don't know I'd cope with their noise and constant demands on my attention and time. I don't know how I'd manage such issues such as discipline or testing boundaries and defiance, especially in puberty. Also, I don't like pain, and the whole idea of pregnancy and giving birth is terrifying... gruesome! I could never go through that. I'd worry that I wouldn't bond with the child, and be able to give him/her what he/she needs as a mother. Society has certain expectations as far as fulfilling roles is concerned, and I don't think I could meet the expectations society has of mothers and I'd be judged for it. I don't think I'd be a good mother.
Click to expand...
Wow, you described exactly how I had always felt. I worried, what if I have a kid & I don't love him/her. I found the concept of pregnancy to be frightening & uncomfortable, but the actual birth process was something I felt/knew I could not handle. Not the physical pain as much as the fear, & all the poking & prodding by doctors during the pregnancy & during the birth. I felt a maternal instinct in that I care BUT I had never felt that desire to have kids, & I also worried that I would not be up to the task or really know how to be a good mother ... meet their emotional needs, etc..

Like you, I also "needed a lot of alone time after work and I don't know I'd cope with their noise and constant demands on my attention and time. I don't know how I'd manage such issues such as discipline or testing boundaries and defiance,.."

That said, I see a lot of people who also desire or need quiet time after work to decompress etc.. & frankly do not do a great job at parenting but never worried about their possible (or existing) shortcomings.

EDIT: I am empathetic (too much so; & I manage it by limiting exposure or sometimes assuming my tough outer shell) & also compassionate. And I do have a strong maternal instinct. It just never translated for most of my life into wanting to actually have kids ... more due to all my worries & concerns, & also the fear of taking on such an overwhelmingly large commitment.
 
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Tia Maria said:
That said, I see a lot of people who also desire or need quiet time after work to decompress etc.. & frankly do not do a great job at parenting but never worried about their possible (or existing) shortcomings.
Click to expand...

True. It might be an unplanned pregnancy or a rash, emotional decision on their part. They may not be mature enough to realise what a huge responsibility is, and aren't in touch with the reality of it and don't fully appreciate what it entails. In the end, it's the children who lose out in that situation.
 
My younger sister has two kids, 14 and 11. When they were younger I really loved to play with them. When kids come to my workplace at Chevron they make my otherwise stressful day much more enjoyable. I really enjoy being around kids but I am not cut out to be a father as it takes a lot of effort and patience to be able to raise a good child. And I would not be able to handle the constant crying of a baby at night without having a meltdown myself.
So I love being around kids but I would not able to raise them.
 
I don't want any kids. I see a lot of my peers getting married and starting families, and while it's great for them, it's just not for me. I'm still a big kid myself and am learning how the heck to take care of myself. Plus, I'm asexual and aromantic. I'm just happy living at home and doing my own thing :)
 
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