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Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Longmarried, Nov 18, 2020.

  1. Longmarried

    Longmarried New Member

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    Long married to high functioning spouse on spectrum. Ready to tear my hair. Retirement plus Covid lockdown = together 24/7 with my husbands “unique characteristics.” Need to share with similar others if only to laugh together about our predicament.
     
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  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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  3. Diego

    Diego Member

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    welcome to autism forums :D
     
  4. Wolfsage

    Wolfsage In training to be Wolf King.

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    Hi. Maybe a puzzle?
     
  5. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome!
     
  6. Longmarried

    Longmarried New Member

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    OK. Here goes. Can’t anybody relate to this? first hint my beloved husband marched to a different drummer: He announced to me on the eve of our wedding that he would not kiss me at the wedding or the reception and would not accept a wedding ring. During the champagne toasts the only toast he proposed was TO HIS BROTHER, his best man. Some months later, he refused to acknowledge our first pregnancy which was unplanned. He was convinced for the whole nine months that it was a false pregnancy, no buy-in at all. So then of course he refused to believe I was in labor. Thought it was false labor. So I took a cab, by myself, to the hospital. Did the whole labor thing alone. (We were stationed far from home in the military, so no family nearby.). Finally someone from the hospital persuaded him to come in and he arrived in time to meet me wheeled out of the recovery room with our new daughter. His first words, “Why is her ear bent?” His greeting to me, “Do they give you a chance to brush your teeth?” Later that day when I pointed out that the other new fathers had brought flowers to their wives, his reply, “I don’t believe in flowers.” And so it has gone. I cried a lot in those days.

    Fathering didn’t come naturally to him. Babies bored him. His favorite word to our daughter was “No.”. Also he couldn’t stand to see toys out around the house which had to be “picked up” at all times.

    I postponed a second child for eight years, then made hubby promise that he would 1. Acknowledge the pregnancy, 2. Drive me to the hospital, and 3 Bring me flowers. Because I insisted, he did those three things.

    Somewhere along the line I got tired of saying in exasperation “What is the MATTER with you.” did some research and it hit us both clearly in the face:Aspergers. With lots of cognitive issues.

    Retirement brought a whole new set of revelations. He is very, very needy, unable to follow the simplest directions, computer phobic, completely devoid of executive function, has a language processing problem and the memory of a gnat. Clearly his secretary had done everything for him and in retirement he expected me to fill that role. I cried real tears explaining to him that I also had a life and responsibilities of my own, I survived by staying busy with a social life with other women and was out of the house a great deal. He mostly sat at home and read. He has near obsessive interests in politics and WWII. That’s all. Don’t try to interest him in gardening, cooking, card games, home maintenance or anything else.

    And now along comes Covid and the social activities that occupied me have ground to a halt. I am at home with my aspie 24/7/365. He interrupts every sentence I try to speak, cannot do the simplest task without screwing it up and I’ve recently realized he can’t see his doctor without an escort (me) because he can’t process and remember the doctor’s instructions, He spends most of every day with earbuds in his ears, listening to talk radio politics, essentially incommunicado. Although paradoxically we have an active sex life, outside of bed it’s a frustrating, lonely life for me.

    If I’d known earlier, would I still have married him? Probably. I loved him then and I love him now. Plus I am a chronic helper, fixer, personal assistant, savior. My bad. But not a martyr. I have never, ever until this moment complained about this to anyone but him, and that was in the mistaken belief that it would help to change him. My recent watershed realization is that I cannot change him. Unlike a child who can benefit from behavior modification, he is not able to change. That knowledge has begun to save me a lot of breath but hasn’t alleviated my frustration at how difficult it is to communicate with him.

    Does anybody else recognize this pattern? Thoughts?
     
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  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member It's My Birthday!

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    Humanoids1.jpg

    We would be delighted to laugh together about our predicament. Please just inform us of the correct moment to begin laughing and the duration. On second thought, it would be best for you to give us at least 24 hrs notice prior to the desired laughing behavior, so we have time to mentally prepare.

    ;)
     
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  8. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    I am the spouse in that scenario. I think I am more adapted to the NT world than he is. Kind of went to the other extreme with having "birthdaysuit" parties for a couple of my birthdays.

    I cannot really change who I am. The occasional stimming, the separation from society, the failure to advance in a career path. I get along with my daughter and son much better because they grew up with my quirks and don't know anything else. Wife keeps comparing me with other people and I come up short.

    But a lot of Aspies do have a very strong sex drive. I suppose that was a big plus when we were young.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020
  9. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hello. Maybe try concentrating on the positives, what you love about him? He's the guy you chose to stay with, and in the end that is your decision. What's great about him? We can all list our partners faults and failings and have a rant about them, but where's the point in that? If you respect him enough to stay together, why not balance up the picture here?

    And maybe also get some interests, that help you stop focussing all your frustration on him? It's a tough time, but it's not his fault we're in a covid crisis.
     
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  10. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am the one who has aspergers in our marriage and I believe that if my husband was to comment to your post, he would echo a lot of what you do. However, there is always two sides to a coin and thus, we are only hearing your side.

    I was pregnant by a donor through, artificial insemination and suffered a great deal. Was bedridden for most of the 3 month period, because of not being able to eat nor drink. My husband was cruel and not once supported me or even cared. All he would say is that he had work and could not tend to me as well and so, I had to watch laundry being piled up, because he would not lift a finger to help. Oh, he did try to get me to eat, but was frustrated when I vomited again.

    It was me who begged him to take me to a dr and although he did, he said quite opening that I was deeply embarrassing him and told me in the waiting room to stop being a drama queen.

    I was rushed to hospital with ketons on my urine. In other words, my body started eating itself, which was terrible for a new life growing inside me, so I was put on a drip, to get the nutrients and my husband only visited a couple of times, because that is what he must do as a husband, rather than because he wanted to.

    He did, however, support me when I went for a particular scan, due to the fact it was not a natural conception and I had to drink water, but it was so hard to do, and he did join me in that and did not go to toilet, so that was great and appreciated that.

    If I had known what was going to take place there, I would never have gone for the scan, because the nurse hit my uterus and soon after that, my fetus died.

    That was 30 odd year's ago and today, he still does not care and the reason? Because it was not his child! And he is a neurotypical.

    So, basically, do you know the reason why he refused to believe you were pregnant? And, in truth, it why have another child and make that one suffer too?

    We do not deliberately set out to be annoying. In fact, we are so sensitive to sounds, smells etc, that it HURTS and why we end up digging our heals in.

    You are pretty dismissive towards his attributes, but he has succeed in having a company, because you mention his secretary and thus, he has a huge role if not the owner.

    I can barely tell the time, and hopeless with math, but I am very good at book keeping.

    I am not into gardening and cooking.

    It is great that you are proactive in searching for reasons why he is this way and therefore, look more into aspergers in males, to gain a deeper understanding of him.

    Don't get into a role as my husband. My husband resents that he has to help me do things that ordinary wives would do and yet, boasts that he is a great support to me! Even, one time, he shouted at me because I had gained some inner confidence and was able to do things on my own and he said that he was obviously not needed anymore and became rude and obnoxious, to the extent that I thought it better to just not have confidence and have never had that sense of inner goodness since.

    Marriage about two people, so look at yourself too and see what you can improve.

    Oh and aspergers is not static, so we can learn to adapt, but, we also have our personalities too and so, perhaps he suffers from narcissim?
     
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  11. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the Forums,

    I was going to post a comment related to a previous post about laughing but then thought a bit of your longer post and felt that might not go down well (IMHO).

    It really sounds like you have your hands full with your husband.
    Pull up a chair and join in the discussions and listen to the chat,
     
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  12. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    @Longmarried

    What aspects of your relationship with this man, aside from the sexual,
    are pleasant and fulfilling? What did you find appealing about him in the
    beginning? Why have you stayed with him?
     
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