Need some help

[DCA]

So I'm in a relationship with a pretty NT woman (although she doesn't like her food touching each other & can't stand the feel of socks...) & things seem to be going well. It was a rocky start, both of us breaking up twice, with the longest separation lasting 3 weeks. She lives around 40min away but comes to stay with me on the weekends.

Last weekend she came down with bronchitis, wasn't feeling well & didn't want to give it to me & my kids, so she told me she would be unable to come over this weekend. Perfectly logical.

Unfortunately, while my logical, rational mind can understand this, my mood since the weekend has been very depressed, like a catastrophe is coming. She tells me she loves me every day, & I reciprocate (I have a schedule of when I say "I love you," so very aspie of me...), so I can't rationally think of why I should feel this way, like she's going to lose interest in me. Is this somehow related to being on the spectrum (in another thread someone said that it is common), & what can I do to push these thoughts to the side & not be or feel so neurotic?

 

[Pats]

I think insecurity is common among asd. I don't know how to push the thoughts aside.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think it’s normal to have worries and negative thoughts since you two have a history of short break ups AND there was a change in routine. Even though there is a good reason she couldnt visit, it is still a change and that alone causes some anxiety.
You could call her and ask her how she feels and maybe hearing her voice will make you feel better.
Now, I’m neurotic and I would be Googling bronchitis to see how long it is contageous and when a person might feel well enough to drive 40 minutes to visit me!
So give yourself a break, think of all the times we as Aspies have been rejected, suddenly, for reasons unknown to us by friends. So of course it is anxiety producing. This situation is different because she loves you!

 

[Nervous Rex]

I call the place those thoughts come from "my reptile brain", because of the common belief that reptiles run 100% on instinct and cannot be trained or taught. It often feels like the emotional part of my brain just cannot be trained, taught, or reasoned with.

So, the best I can do when the emotional part starts to obsess over negative thoughts is take over with the logical part. This involves me repeating and reinforcing things I know to be true (in my case, it's usually, "Yes, you made a mistake. Everyone else makes mistakes, too. You haven't been fired for mistakes in the past. You won't be fired for this. You'll work it out."). I have to directly face the emotions, reason things out, and tell myself how I should feel.

The other part is to pick something else to think about. Telling yourself "don't think about X" never works. You can't live a negative. You can't base your thoughts, goals, actions, or life around "don't do X". That will just lead you to spiraling around X like a moth around a light. "Run away from X" doesn't work, but "run towards Y" works. You have to choose something else to work towards. For me, I always have a collection of other things to think about handy. It may be reciting a poem or scripture I memorized, singing a song, working on a math problem in my head ... these things work for me. You'll have to find what works for you.

 

[Autistamatic]

I call the place those thoughts come from "my reptile brain"

Ha! So do I! More for the fact that the reptilian parts of the brain are the oldest in terms of evolution, but I use the exact same phrase

Good advice too. I've had some very rocky relationships in the past, both friendships and romances, and insecurity about them has been a feature many a time. It does seem common in AS possibly because we're not responding to some of the signals the other person is giving out, either by missing them, or losing them in the mass of data we're trying to interpret. Letting rationality take over does help I find, as does focusing on something that makes you feel good. Immersing oneself in a special interest or getting on with a project usually works for me.
Sometimes it's worth actually being straight with the other person and telling them you're feeling insecure and you're unsure why. Most people who care about you are more than ready to offer some reassurance if you tell them that. Don't do it too often though, because it can annoy if done too much. Save that tactic for when you are REALLY unsure.

 

[pamelaperejil]

I tend to be overly sensitive and paranoid when it comes to interactions with people I like. I don't know of any strategies that help in getting through the hard bits. I tend to think you just have to muscle through it at that point. In my experience, nothing anyone says ever makes it better. My only advice would be (bluntly): try not to make it worse by overreacting and doing something stupid. I say this for my own sake much more than for yours.

Good luck.

 

[AO1501]

...Unfortunately, while my logical, rational mind can understand this, my mood since the weekend has been very depressed, like a catastrophe is coming. She tells me she loves me every day, & I reciprocate (I have a schedule of when I say "I love you," so very aspie of me...), so I can't rationally think of why I should feel this way, like she's going to lose interest in me. Is this somehow related to being on the spectrum (in another thread someone said that it is common), & what can I do to push these thoughts to the side & not be or feel so neurotic?

I so recognise this!

For me, I think it stems from the fact I cannot really understand why anyone would want to be with me, so I see every potential withdrawal and a sign that my partner is indeed about to walk away. My history seems to be populated with abandonment - something many of us experience I suspect - and I therefore simply expect that it will happen again.

The problem with this is that the more I am sure it will happen, the more likely it will, because my expectation of abandonment would (and has) played right into NT partner's interpretation of being rejected.

As the relationship with my wife, who is also an Aspie, was developing, I explained this so that she would know the signs and understand my behaviours. As a consequence we've had very few misunderstandings, and she has pointed out that the reasons she is with me are not the result of how I see myself, but how she sees me, which is very different. I think that's a good lesson for me to learn, and perhaps you too.

As to how to push those thoughts aside and not be or feel so neurotic..... I'd say talk to your significant other about this. NTs typically understand this kind of irrational and emotional issue far better than we do!

 

[DCA]

For me, I think it stems from the fact I cannot really understand why anyone would want to be with me, so I see every potential withdrawal and a sign that my partner is indeed about to walk away.

This resonates with me. I often wonder why any woman would want to be with me. I was flabbergasted by my first GF with her interest in me...I thought she was just being nice & she got upset when I was skeptical about how she would say how wonderful I am.

...and she has pointed out that the reasons she is with me are not the result of how I see myself, but how she sees me, which is very different. I think that's a good lesson for me to learn, and perhaps you too.

This too. She has told me the only 2 examples she has seen up close of good relationships are the ones she sees with her parents...and with me. She once asked me whether I like the person I am. I said I'm honest, loyal, intelligent, compassionate, passionate. She says those are the reasons she is with me. So yes, a good lesson & one I try to keep in mind.

As to how to push those thoughts aside and not be or feel so neurotic..... I'd say talk to your significant other about this. NTs typically understand this kind of irrational and emotional issue far better than we do!

She has had her own struggles with PTSD & an abusive previous relationship with a narcissist. So I think she understands. But my relationship previous to that was with a woman that had nothing but bad relationships & family abuse, & she dumped me like a bad habit out of the blue one day. Also said my ASD traits were exhausting for her, not a positive thing to hear that makes me feel good about myself. But this GF at least is fully aware & accepting of me...

 

[DCA]

Thanks for all the advice but it appears the point is moot as I just got dumped.

 

[pamelaperejil]

Wow.

 

[Autistamatic]

So sorry to hear that.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Thanks for all the advice but it appears the point is moot as I just got dumped.

Please read this in a gentle and respectful tone: The point is not moot.

You can still learn from the experience and maybe do better the next time around.

I complained to a counselor one time that I was experiencing the same problem as I had months before, so therefore I was "back to square one." He told me how he was into rock climbing and took 8 hours to scale a particular cliff once, then went back the next day and did it again in 2 hours. Even though he started from the same place, he made it up faster the next day because he knew where all the good handholds and footholds were. (One of these days, I'll have to come up with my own example story and stop telling his). He told me, "Even if you're starting over from the same position, you're not back to square one, because you know the way." And yes, I sometimes melt down and feel like I'm back to square one, but I know the way and I get back to functional faster each time.

Even if this relationship is over, you can learn from it and learn how to handle things better next time.

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear right now. You're going through a crappy situation and you will need some time to process and deal with today's events. But when you're through and when you're ready, you can look back on this and get something useful out of it.

 

[DCA]

Thank you. I'm struggling not to shut down completely right now because I have kids.

She did communicate more to me. She says this had nothing to do with me, that I'm great & all that, but it has to do with her. Ok, I believe her & she was never dishonest with me in the past. But I've heard this refrain before. Last woman I dated (who may have been ND but thats beside the point) said the same thing. And the one before her. So it sounds like a broken record to me.

I'm not sure why this keeps happening if I'm so great & loving. I already have to deal with the ASD making me feel like I'm broken somehow. I keep struggling & yeah the next one could be better. Or not...? Feeling pessimistic now.

 

[Tom]

With two breakups prior this one with the same person I'd say it was very unlikely to work out. Try not to give it another thought and especially don't give it another go. Dead horse.

 

[Tom]

She says this had nothing to do with me, that I'm great & all that, but it has to do with her.

That is one of the oldest BS lines in the book. Its meaningless like people who say I love you too easily.

 

[pamelaperejil]

She did communicate more to me. She says this had nothing to do with me, that I'm great & all that, but it has to do with her.

I don't know if it's possible, but I would press for more details if I were you. Something seems fishy.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[DCA]

I can't repost the entire conversation since I'm sure some of it she wants to keep private. She also has a lot of anxiety, & she says that she gets anxiety because she's afraid she cannot give me what I want & need in a relationship. Besides the fact that if things move on to a final state (i.e. marriage) that she'd have to uproot herself to cohabitate & the like. She says she likes her single life, likes her job & friends & doesn't want to sacrifice that for me. Even though she tried to make it work, & pushed more for a relationship early on than what I was prepared for (which took me for surprise & required a lot of adjusting for expectations). So the irony is that at this point I'm the one that wanted the relationship & she wants out? It's pretty confusing & I'm at a loss.

So while she says she loves me, love just isn't enough. And it leaves me wondering why, if I'm such a great guy, does this happen? What do I have to offer a woman at my age (43) that she doesn't already have? Because love (which I gave unconditionally in my last 2 relationships now), apparently, is not enough.

 

[AO1501]

@DCA, Truthfully, love is not enough. It never is. It's really just glue, because everything else that needs to be part of a relationship in order for it to work has to be there first, before love can act as the binding agent.

BUT, the does not mean that it is over. I have no real clue how an NT's brain works over things like this, but it seems to me that she has made at least some degree of commitment to a relationship Wirth you, even if she is no longer certain that the terms of it meet her needs.

Assuming you may wish to try and retrieve it, what may help in this situation is to approach this as if there were a negotiation. You can see why and how perhaps the long term of a traditional relationship leading to marriage and cohabitation might not be what she wants now, or right now, but why throw the baby out with the bathwater (I have never understood that phrase, but think it works in this context) bu severing the relationship now, without looking at, discussing, and trying out all the less traditional ways that couples can be together, yet not always share their living spaces all the time.

I don't agree with the premise that prior breakups mean this is over. I think that suggests that is you want to try, this may well be retrievable, even if not exactly on the terms you were considering before.

 

[BraidedPony]

With my 3rd husband I had my own bedroom and the living room was set up for my comfort with my computer and t.v. and he had the upstairs bedroom and the room with the fireplace for his recliner and t.v, and we called it his man cave.
So there are ways for people to be together and yet have their own space.
She sounds a little flaky, maybe it would be better to find someone not so hot and cold.
Sorry the relationship ended, so you weren’t being paranoid after all, you had a gut feeling....

 

[pamelaperejil]

She has told me the only 2 examples she has seen up close of good relationships are the ones she sees with her parents...and with me. She once asked me whether I like the person I am. I said I'm honest, loyal, intelligent, compassionate, passionate. She says those are the reasons she is with me. So yes, a good lesson & one I try to keep in mind.

She has had her own struggles with PTSD & an abusive previous relationship with a narcissist. So I think she understands. But my relationship previous to that was with a woman that had nothing but bad relationships & family abuse, & she dumped me like a bad habit out of the blue one day. Also said my ASD traits were exhausting for her, not a positive thing to hear that makes me feel good about myself. But this GF at least is fully aware & accepting of me...

This sounds almost borderliney to me, this business of "OMG, you're so wonderful" and then dumping you two seconds later. Plus, it's generally a bad idea to choose someone with a history of bad relationships as a partner, and you seem to have a habit of doing just that.

I can't comment on the specifics if you won't share them but that's what I would be trying to fix for the future. It doesn't sound like you're the problem. It sounds like you're fine (maybe a few little self esteem problems) except that you keep picking the wrong women. If I were you I would examine why you're attracted to these women in the first place, because I think you're setting yourself up for a fall.

Keep in mind that you had a gut instinct about this and it turned out to be correct. That may be the key for how to avoid these problems in the future.

Anyway, good luck.