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Need help and advice...Aspie boyfriend broke up with me.

V

VioletsAreBlue

New Member
My ex boyfriend is an Aspie (I hope I stated that correctly. Please forgive me as I am new to this and trying to understand). I am NT. Everything was so wonderful in the beginning. He was the one I clicked with. Like something out of the movies. Talking every second of every day. We matched in everything. I was on cloud 9 all day every day. He was too.
His birthday weekend approached and things went south when alcohol got involved. He's a great dancer, I couldn't even keep up. I went and asked his friend for a quick lesson since he teaches dancing (to be specific, it's two stepping). My boyfriend saw and got extremely jealous and grabbed another girl by the hand and danced with her in front of me, later he confessed it was strictly out of spite. It hurt. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night and his friends hated me because I don't fit into their standards. Told him that I was terrible for him and he listens to them. The next day we talked and he said he was still so angry at me, and I blew up at him and explained my side. I wasn't nice. I felt abandoned and hated. I went home and thought about it. I calmed down and told him it was a dumb drunk mistake and I'm willing to look past it all. Because before that, like I said, it was almost a fairy tale.
He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and he was done. Then I see him on Facebook blatantly flirting with other women and I commented on how funny it was that we just broke up a day ago and he knew I'd see that. He blocked me. One time contact he said he just had to disappear. This was a week ago. The break up was two weeks ago. I'm devastated. I just can't seem to grasp that it's over. He is my match, I feel it. He wants nothing to do with me. I want to be with him, to understand him better. How do I even start? Help...
 
Welcome to AC.

Interesting. I don't recall much of anyone discussing the possibility of extreme jealousy as a specific trait of high-functioning autism. Though I know there is plenty of discussion on the Internet about it. Perhaps others can chime in about this.

I might be more inclined to speculate on a possibility that he has comorbid bipolar disorder, though I'm certainly not a medical professional. In my own case quite to the contrary, I have a lack of both jealousy and envy, which at times has made my life complicated. But that's another story.

I also get the impression this may be about something that built up anger on his end without any discussion or attempt to work it out. That your dancing with his friend may have been an unfortunate catalyst to bring whatever he is really angry about to the surface. It also probably didn't help if his friends didn't like you for whatever reason. They may have considerable influence over him, though it would be very sad if this plays into the equation as well.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I guess I'd just think that if he was extremely jealous, that you would have seen it manifested in lesser ways and more often than as a single, sudden dramatic occurrence. Though anything is possible I suppose.
 
I have know two people who I suspect are Aspies who are capable of that kind of thing.

One is a serial womaniser , who could be quite cruel and was extremely inconsiderate of his girlfriends when they lasted beyond a week.

The other came across more as narcissistic personality disorder, but I know think he's just very arrogant and unhealthy aspie, twisted by upbringing.
He is one of the most selfish people I ever met, and places himself way above his own children.

Personally I would stay away. If he has shown that type of behaviour already, it's not just happened out of the blue.

I would imagine that a Aspie who is good at flirting has had to learn that over quite a long time.

I'm good socially, but I could not flirt on social media, as I don't really "get it".
 
Your ex sounds like an immature jerk. Nothing that can be explained away by being an Aspie though. Best start getting over the loss sooner rather than later.
 
I would steer clear, he said what he needed to say for the both of you which is, "he didn't want to hurt you anymore"

The "cloud nine effect" I think just comes naturally with Aspie folk...
 
Your boyfriend sounds like a absolute jerk,Aspie or no Aspie he treated you badly and it’s got nothing to do with the fact that he is on the spectrum,you deserve someone better and I hope you can heal from this because no one should be disrespected like you have been.
 
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Thank you for all of the advice so far. I just get stuck in the past when he said he would always be here for me. There were times when he was very blunt and I got sensitive but we always seemed to get past that. He would read me my favorite books, go to the mall for four hours which he hates just to get a shirt that makes me smile. Sang to me, cuddled... every thing matched even behind closed doors. And then this. I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just heartbroken.
 
Judge said:
Welcome to AC.

Interesting. I don't recall much of anyone discussing the possibility of extreme jealousy as a specific trait of high-functioning autism. Though I know there is plenty of discussion on the Internet about it. Perhaps others can chime in about this.

I might be more inclined to speculate on a possibility that he has comorbid bipolar disorder, though I'm certainly not a medical professional. In my own case quite to the contrary, I have a lack of both jealousy and envy, which at times has made my life complicated. But that's another story.

I also get the impression this may be about something that built up anger on his end without any discussion or attempt to work it out. That your dancing with his friend may have been an unfortunate catalyst to bring whatever he is really angry about to the surface. It also probably didn't help if his friends didn't like you for whatever reason. They may have considerable influence over him, though it would be very sad if this plays into the equation as well.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. I guess I'd just think that if he was extremely jealous, that you would have seen it manifested in lesser ways and more often than as a single, sudden dramatic occurrence. Though anything is possible I suppose.
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He told me he was a jealous person but never expressed it. I never gave him a reason as I'm not that type of person.
 
VioletsAreBlue said:
He told me he was a jealous person but never expressed it. I never gave him a reason as I'm not that type of person.
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Frankly it sounds like you're better off without him, regardless of what may constitute the source of his behaviors.

Insane jealousy? That would be another "deal-breaker" for me in any relationship. I don't normally catch subtle manifestations of jealousy, but this sort of thing would be difficult to miss.
 
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We get many folks like yourself come with stories of breakups. I guess you are wondering if there is some Aspie element that you don't understand, and if you did things might be fixed. Myself I find that is rarely the case. These things seem much more complicated and involve all the various aspects of personality rather then autism. I think its best to just consider Aspies as you would anyone else. Because really, what you see is what you get.
 
VioletsAreBlue said:
Thank you for all of the advice so far. I just get stuck in the past when he said he would always be here for me. There were times when he was very blunt and I got sensitive but we always seemed to get past that. He would read me my favorite books, go to the mall for four hours which he hates just to get a shirt that makes me smile. Sang to me, cuddled... every thing matched even behind closed doors. And then this. I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just heartbroken.
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Hey.. I see you posted this last year but I am going through something similar. Just wanted to know if all good with you now ? How did you overcome this ?
 
Uglytruth said:
Hey.. I see you posted this last year but I am going through something similar. Just wanted to know if all good with you now ? How did you overcome this ?
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I don’t think you’ll get a response. Most people that come here to vent about their heartbreak disappear shortly afterwards. As did the OP of this topic, who hasn’t been on the forums for over a year.
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
Not to be taken literally.

That would make coming to the board really hazardous .

Hopefully they re-appear elsewhere..
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I dunno. I heard Firefox released a "Tantalus Field" browser plug-in. Then again, I'm still here so maybe people disappearing was just a rumor after all. :oops:
 
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