Need advice. Help please :)

[Judge]

It sounds totally exhausting.

Trying to understand how my other half feels when he's overloaded with emotion. If I can try understand how it feels then I can understand the need for space.

I love people and being around them so it's really hard to imagine the opposite.

I know one day he got off the train because it was too busy and sat at the station for an hour waiting for the next one. My son is the same so I kind of understood that one.

It's the shutting me out i struggle with. Because for me if I care I need to be around that person or have regular contact but to not want to is because I don't care for that person or want to be around them.

I struggle to understand how you need to be away from someone you care about. It means the opposite to me. Do you think about them in that time or do you erase them from your thoughts? Do you miss them in that time or not give them a thought? I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions. The more I can understand the more I'll be able to accept it for what it is

Do you have faith in something where you don't have all the answers and probably never will? That's what you need to understand the most overall, IMO. That you can accept who and what we are without ever coming to any comprehensive understanding or rationalization of our neurology.

Why would you want to do that? Because in reality that's all there is. Your brain is hard-wired to think in a specific way just as ours is. I can explain to you all our potential traits and behaviors from a perspective of "mechanics", however I can never realistically make you feel them.

You're trying so hard to relate to it, when all you really should decide is whether you can accept it, without ever really experiencing it for yourself. And if you cannot accept it, that's ok too. We face the same dynamic in reverse. I can identify NT behavior in terms of patterns and common experiences...but I can never truly relate to how you think, particularly in terms of communication in general. And I'd just be beating myself up as well if I continually attempted otherwise.

Make any sense?

 

[Lilybell]

Do you have faith in something where you don't have all the answers and probably never will? That's what you need to understand the most overall, IMO. That you can accept who and what we are without ever coming to any comprehensive understanding or rationalization of our neurology.

Why would you want to do that? Because in reality that's all there is. Your brain is hard-wired to think in a specific way just as ours is. I can explain to you all our potential traits and behaviors from a perspective of "mechanics", however I can never realistically make you feel them.

You're trying so hard to relate to it, when all you really should decide is whether you can accept it, without ever really experiencing it for yourself. And if you cannot accept it, that's ok too. We face the same dynamic in reverse. I can identify NT behavior in terms of patterns and common experiences...but I can never truly relate to how you think, particularly in terms of communication in general. And I'd just be beating myself up as well if I continually attempted otherwise.

Make any sense?

Yes it's makes sense. I understand what you're saying. I need to have faith and trust that what he's doing has no bearing on his feelings for me, it's not personal, it's just how he is and what he needs to do, just as much, as my need for reassurance that what he's doing in no way means he does not care. Yet in my world that's exactly what it means.

 

[Judge]

Yes it's makes sense. I understand what you're saying. I need to have faith and trust that what he's doing has no bearing on his feelings for me, it's not personal, it's just how he is and what he needs to do, just as much, as my need for reassurance that what he's doing in no way means he does not care.

And whether or not you can sustain a relationship in which there is always going to be some degree of unequal parity between his needs and yours.

It's not a simple thing to come to terms with.

But the most serious element of all this remains the same. That he is oblivious to "his world" as much as yours. Quite honestly IMO that's something that must change if you even have a chance of making it all work. You can't pull the entire emotional weight of both of you on your own- and shouldn't have to.

 

[Lilybell]

And whether or not you can sustain a relationship in which there is always going to be some degree of unequal parity between his needs and yours.

It's not a simple thing to come to terms with.

But the most serious element of all this remains the same. That he is oblivious to "his world" as much as yours. Quite honestly IMO that's something that must change if you even have a chance of making it all work. You can't pull the entire emotional weight of both of you on your own- and shouldn't have to.

I know.

He knows he's different, I know that, but I don't think he has any interest in finding out why, or realising that by doing so things would be easier. He very much has an attitude of 'if people don't like how I am then they know what to do.' Sad, but I suspect that's from years of being let down or told he's this or that. He's a cold, hard person on the outside but underneath I see a softer, gentle man. I think it's a bit of a front.

His upbringing was tough, so I think it's made him cold and unemotional. He's a very kind, caring man underneath all that bravado.

 

[Judge]

I know.

He knows he's different, I know that, but I don't think he has any interest in finding out why, or realising that by doing so things would be easier. He very much has an attitude of 'if people don't like how I am then they know what to do.' Sad, but I suspect that's from years of being let down or told he's this or that. He's a cold, hard person on the outside but underneath I see a softer, gentle man. I think it's a bit of a front.

His upbringing was tough, so I think it's made him cold and unemotional. He's a very kind, caring man underneath all that bravado.

It may be valuable as well to keep in mind that some of such traits aren't necessarily relative to his autism. Then again, perhaps it's his way of dealing with what he presently doesn't understand. Because he isn't self-aware. Not understanding who and what you are can be pretty disturbing at times. I suppose we all may have very different coping mechanisms, assuming such bravado might be one of them. I'm not sure....

Anyone care to chime in on their thoughts?

 

[Lilybell]

It may be valuable as well to keep in mind that some of such traits aren't necessarily relative to his autism. Then again, perhaps it's his way of dealing with what he presently doesn't understand. Because he isn't self-aware. Not understanding who and what you are can be pretty disturbing at times. I suppose we all may have very different coping mechanisms, assuming such bravado might be one of them. I'm not sure....

Anyone care to chime in on their thoughts?

Perhaps he's not even on the spectrum. I think so though.

I was talking about it once as my nephew was diagnosed and he asked me what it was. After I explained, he said 'I have that' I said why do you say that? He just said 'well I'm weird.'

I suspect he maybe does wonder, now I've brought it up, but I think it's too much for him at the minute to consider. He brushes it off by telling me I'm a conformist and he isn't. I think he relates it to something far worse than it is and doesn't want the label. I can understand that too.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps he's not even on the spectrum. I think so though.

I was talking about it once as my nephew was diagnosed and he asked me what it was. After I explained, he said 'I have that' I said why do you say that? He just said 'well I'm weird.'

I suspect he maybe does wonder, now I've brought it up, but I think it's too much for him at the minute to consider. He brushes it off by telling me I'm a conformist and he isn't. I think he relates it to something far worse than it is and doesn't want the label. I can understand that too.

IMO he's a "poster child" for being on the spectrum. WAY too many signs to reflect anything else. But no, I'm not a medical professional.

The not wanting "the label"...I can certainly understand that too. Especially if he really knows very little about autism. Most of my life the entire subject baffled me, and I had little interest in it. So when first broaching the subject I was quite resistant to the notion that I could be autistic in any way. LOL...never mind my discovering from my mother that I didn't talk in sentences until I was four years old! Just another piece of the puzzle I had for many years, but never gave it any thought.

But the beauty of self awareness is to discover that we are different- and not inherently deficient. It's a process of discovery that requires patience and attention to detail. And optimism in that the more you learn, the better your chances become in improving your situation relative to a Neurotypical world.

 

[Lilybell]

IMO he's a "poster child" for being on the spectrum. WAY too many signs to reflect anything else. But no, I'm not a medical professional.

The not wanting "the label"...I can certainly understand that too. Especially if he really knows very little about autism. Most of my life the entire subject baffled me, and I had little interest in it. So when first broaching the subject I was quite resistant to the notion that I could be autistic in any way. LOL...never mind my discovering from my mother that I didn't talk in sentences until I was four years old! Just another piece of the puzzle I had for many years, but never gave it any thought.

But the beauty of self awareness is to discover that we are different- and not inherently deficient. It's a process of discovery that requires patience and attention to detail.

Yes I agree with you. Way too many traits.

I know people who struggle with their child being diagnosed let alone themselves. There isn't a lot of knowledge of autism and people think of it in a very negative way so I completely understand his horror at the thought.

Maybe I've planted a seed and he will keep thinking about it. Or maybe he thinks he's managed 48 years so what's the point, and he has managed long term relationships, so maybe to him there's not a problem.

 

[Judge]

Yes I agree with you. Way too many traits.

I know people who struggle with their child being diagnosed let alone themselves. There isn't a lot of knowledge of autism and people think of it in a very negative way so I completely understand his horror at the thought.

Maybe I've planted a seed and he will keep thinking about it. Or maybe he thinks he's managed 48 years so what's the point, and he has managed long term relationships, so maybe to him there's not a problem.

Well, the issue of a formal diagnosis has it's own set of drawbacks. Then you have to think of the possibilities and probabilities of discrimination and entitlements relative to the degree of one's own autism. It gets very complicated depending on the legal jurisdiction involved. That's one inherently frustrating dynamic here, that more often than not while we can share our traits and behaviors...how our societies deal with them legally and ethically can be quite eclectic.

Although self-diagnosed, I see no advantage to be gained presently from seeking what would likely be a very expensive process to be formally and properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist or neurologist.

 

[Lilybell]

Well, the issue of a formal diagnosis has it's own set of drawbacks. Then you have to think of the possibilities and probabilities of discrimination and entitlements relative to the degree of one's own autism. It gets very complicated depending on the legal jurisdiction involved. That's one inherently frustrating dynamic here, that more often than not while we can share our traits and behaviors...how our societies deal with them legally and ethically can be quite eclectic.

Although self-diagnosed, I see no advantage to be gained presently from seeking what would likely be a very expensive process to be formally and properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist or neurologist.

I'd be happy to just sit down and discuss each other's wants and needs and see if we can help each other to understand what the other struggles with. I'm not even sure he can do that as whatever I say I'll no doubt get a response of you're too sensitive or something similar. He's extremely stubborn.

I think I need to think about how I say things and make sure they are not in an accusatory way. I too have many faults I could work on. I'm not very good at getting things across face to face as my emotions often get in the way.

My first thing is to try be less emotional and sensitive.

 

[Judge]

I'm not very good at getting things across face to face as my emotions often get in the way.

That can be a real challenge for many of us. You may probably already know that we aren't always good at reading people emotionally. I can score nominally at best in facial recognition tests. It really depends....some body language I can read....but other things can be confusing. There's no consistency of it all for me...

 

[Lilybell]

That can be a real challenge for many of us. You may probably already know that we aren't always good at reading people emotionally. I can score nominally at best in facial recognition tests. It really depends....some body language I can read....but other things can be confusing. There's no consistency of it all for me...

Yes he's already said he can't read people at all. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be able to read people. It must be bloody exhausting trying to figure out people all the time.

I can kind of see why he needed time out. On top of all the usual daily struggles, he had to deal with my emotional responses and then on top of that the drama which ensued after. And yet he's still hanging in there. I suppose that should tell me the depth of his feelings.

I had hoped he'd call today before his flight in the morning but it's not looking like he's going to. I shall try not take it personally.

 

[Cali Cat]

I struggle to understand how you need to be away from someone you care about. It means the opposite to me. Do you think about them in that time or do you erase them from your thoughts? Do you miss them in that time or not give them a thought? I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions. The more I can understand the more I'll be able to accept it for what it is

Not to jump in the middle of a private tete-e-tete, even though I am, I want to respond to your question above, Lilybell.

Even though I don't always want to be physically near my lover, I am always thinking about him, at least in the back of my mind if I am concentrating on something else. Very often he is in the forefront of my thoughts. It's difficult to describe, and it may be different from one Aspie to another, but for me, the need to be out of touch physically centers around what I perceive he expects from me. If I'm out of proximity, I don't have to push myself to behave in "acceptable" ways.

 

[Lilybell]

Not to jump in the middle of a private tete-e-tete, even though I am, I want to respond to your question above, Lilybell.

Even though I don't always want to be physically near my lover, I am always thinking about him, at least in the back of my mind if I am concentrating on something else. Very often he is in the forefront of my thoughts. It's difficult to describe, and it may be different from one Aspie to another, but for me, the need to be out of touch physically centers around what I perceive he expects from me. If I'm out of proximity, I don't have to push myself to behave in "acceptable" ways.

Hey Cali Cat.

Not at all, you're response is always welcome and greatly appreciated.

I think I get what you mean. I guess for me it feels like I'm forgotten about. It makes me sad to think he has no desire to connect with me right now.

I think giving me his flat key was a way to ensure he will definitely see me when he returns and he's now taking the time he needs away from me.

 

[Cali Cat]

I think I get what you mean. I guess for me it feels like I'm forgotten about. It makes me sad to think he has no desire to connect with me right now.

He may have the desire, but not the capacity to divide his attention.

I think giving me his flat key was a way to ensure he will definitely see me when he returns and he's now taking the time he needs away from me.

Yes, he seems to be trying to express this is just a temporary situation. I don't know why it's so hard for some of us to express our intentions. Expressiveness of any kind seems to take a lot of effort though.

Judge has made some good points, though, and the best I've read is that all you really need to do is decide whether you can accept and deal with this man the way he is, because his thinking process may never really be known to you.

I just ended a relationship with someone I loved very much, but decided I couldn't accept his mental issues (alcoholism and anxiety with occasional episodes of psychosis). Like you, I tried to relate to what he was thinking and feeling; but, in the end, I knew my mental state would deteriorate living with this particular man regardless of my love for him. Too much drama.

Naturally, I hope it all works out for you two. I love a happy ending, but you have to look after yourself first.

 

[Lilybell]

He may have the desire, but not the capacity to divide his attention.



Yes, he seems to be trying to express this is just a temporary situation. I don't know why it's so hard for some of us to express our intentions. Expressiveness of any kind seems to take a lot of effort though.

Judge has made some good points, though, and the best I've read is that all you really need to do is decide whether you can accept and deal with this man the way he is, because his thinking process may never really be known to you.

I just ended a relationship with someone I loved very much, but decided I couldn't accept his mental issues (alcoholism and anxiety with occasional episodes of psychosis). Like you, I tried to relate to what he was thinking and feeling; but, in the end, I knew my mental state would deteriorate living with this particular man regardless of my love for him. Too much drama.

Naturally, I hope it all works out for you two. I love a happy ending, but you have to look after yourself first.

I wasn't sure whether to send a message wishing him a safe flight but I thought maybe it was best to leave him.

Yes I think that is exactly what I need to figure out.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. It must be very hard to walk away from someone you love. That relationship sounds like it was extremely difficult and I'm sure even more difficult to leave. :-(

 

[Cali Cat]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. It must be very hard to walk away from someone you love. That relationship sounds like it was extremely difficult and I'm sure even more difficult to leave. :-(

Thank you. I appreciate your condolences. It was extremely bizarre. Like falling down the rabbit hole into some hellish Wonderland, and he was the Mad Hatter. I've tripped on LSD in the past and felt less bewildered.

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you. You're right, I think I know he cares very much, but sometimes this is contradicted in his behaviour. Behaviour that to me, means he doesn't care. The problem lies with knowing whose perspective to read things. For someone who is already feeling a little insecure to put all my faith in believing he's on the spectrum and this is the reason why he comes across like he does. It's a tough one. He's worth fighting myself for. I shall try

boy did this thread blow up....a lot of kind hearted aspies. Lilybell ,My best wishes to you and your guy, I'm sure you already got tons of good advice. So I'll just say work with him on things, autism doesn't really go away but good copping patterns can help tons, if you can figure them out?
And Familiarity with things reduces overload greatly....talk over every thing in detail a day or more in advance and he will do much better on trips and socials etcetera.
Mental Familiarity, building a mental coping picture....remember that....and no surprises they are bad.

 

[Lilybell]

Thank you. I appreciate your condolences. It was extremely bizarre. Like falling down the rabbit hole into some hellish Wonderland, and he was the Mad Hatter. I've tripped on LSD in the past and felt less bewildered.

Oh gosh! Glad you're ok though.

Little update: I received a message this morning from the airport. Just said 'with all my love xx'

Not really sure what that means but is lovely all the same.

 

[Lilybell]

boy did this thread blow up....a lot of kind hearted aspies. Lilybell ,My best wishes to you and your guy, I'm sure you already got tons of good advice. So I'll just say work with him on things, autism doesn't really go away but good copping patterns can help tons, if you can figure them out?
And Familiarity with things reduces overload greatly....talk over every thing in detail a day or more in advance and he will do much better on trips and socials etcetera.
Mental Familiarity, building a mental coping picture....remember that....and no surprises they are bad.

Lots of kind hearted aspies. You've all been so great. That's one thing I've learned, you all have huge hearts

Thank you for your wishes and advice. I hope it works too.