Navigating Thanksgiving and other family gatherings

[Kaylee]

as the holiday season is approching with thanksgiving being tomorrow for the american folks i was wondering what peoples plans were for family gatherings.

i know for atleast me that family gatherings have long been an awkward situation, while most of the people involved i can tolerate and get along better with than most people, its still a very tense and odd situation, i find myself feeling like i need to remove myself, following my dad or grandparents when they have to grab something so i can have some one on one time because its easier than being in the crowd, using phones or my laptop was also an escape for me in many ways although i try to limit myself.

This year i feel i will be best off trying to spend more time with my little brother than anything, playing video games and the like.

What are your plans for this holiday seasons and the family gatherings that tend to come with them?

 

[The Penguin]

Well I write about my Thanksgiving last month since Canada haves it during the 2nd Monday of October. Anyways, like all Thanksgiving is alone. I do have local family but I decided I want nothing to do with family. For having such a large family, I find it just very stressful for me. Since my childhood I never really enjoyed being around family. It like I'm transparent and people don't notice me. I put part of my parents at fault during my child hood not making easy to connect with family. I understand I'm a adult now, but for me maybe being the only person in the family was placed in a foster home and didn't have great family support, this is why family means nothing to me. Christmas will be alone to. But I'm never depressed during the holidays.

 

[Soup]

You couldn't PAY me to show up at one of those gatherings! No how, no way. I am in Canada too, so I had a frozen turkey dinner I could microwave. I was thankful for not having to cook. It was nice having a long weekend as well. Mr. Soup & I hibernated & avoided everyone we possibly could.

 

[The Penguin]

You couldn't PAY me to show up at one of those gatherings! No how, no way. I am in Canada too, so I had a frozen turkey dinner I could microwave. I was thankful for not having to cook. It was nice having a long weekend as well. Mr. Soup & I hibernated & avoided everyone we possibly could.

If I was closer to your province I would cook for you. I'm in NS right now. Hmm now your getting in the mood cooking a big dinner for X-mas. I do that sometimes during the holidays. I don't mind as I love cooking

 

[wyverary]

I am thankful that my parents have turned into something of hermits themselves. The past few Thanksgivings it has been just the few of us, and it's looking like this year will be as well...six people in total, it looks like (my parents, myself, my two brothers, and my brother's friend [who is ridiculously easygoing]). Since I have the luxury of being at home, I always have my secluded little space above the garage to which I can escape. If required, I may drink a bit to make myself a little more comfortable, but I can't see that being a necessity this year.

 

[Wooaspie]

Going to see the family on thanksgiving is like going to see a play on broadway. Everyone has there part, the buildup to the big production, and everyone has there big musical number to perform. The only problem is I don't feel like acting today. Happy thanksgiving!

 

[watersprite]

I came to AC this morning to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Then I saw this thread so decided to reply. Every year I turn down the invitation to the big gathering they have. (Politely, I mean.) If I was to go, and there's no way I would, I too would have a stressful time with the odd and vulnerable and overwhelmed.

Here, nice and quiet, I will enjoy cooking the turkey & a bunch of foods for myself and my two almost grown kiddos. We'll go for a walk after the meal, look at the river, and walk back. I am glad we'll be together. This is something I'm grateful for after some difficult and distressing times the past few years.

 

[Soup]

@WYV: Our master suite is right over the garage/workshoppe too! We added extra insulation between the floor & garage ceiling for warmth. Since the double garage kind of protrudes from the rest of the house, there are no other rooms sharing the 3 main walls. Of the last wall that connects us to the rest of the house (no way, architecturally to avoid that without more land & building a connecting 'widow's walk') the biggest part of it connects to our private bathroom suite & the isolated end of a corridor.

When Aspies renovate, we choose structure that is compatible with our...peculiarities. nobody has any legit reason to come down to our end of the upstairs corridor to bug us. When it comes time to downsize (when the last kid moves out & my mother is no longer with us or requires special care) we intend to buy vacant land with direct waterfront access & build from the ground up. This time, we had to work with the basic framework that was already there. We got lucky in that this place had a very good basic structure to work with.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Last Saturday was the get-together at the in-laws. I brought plenty of yarn for me to crochet so I didn't have to make eye contact. When my kid wanted to go play outside, I disappeared with him for a few hours.

Thanksgiving Day was spent with my parents and dad's side of the family. Other than twitching a lot, I had fun. My sister made this weird goop to play with, which ended up distracting me a good bit. I fit in with them much better than anybody else I'm associated with and look forward to spending time with them.

Saturday is to be spent with my other grandparents, and I intend to keep close to my mom in case my grandmother starts in on anything. Love my granddad to death, but my grandmother has said some classy things like "you're going to die alone because everybody hates you". I'm very wary around her because she makes sure she has no witnesses when she pulls these stunts.

There'll be a similar pattern around Christmas. If I can survive my in-laws and my mom's mother, I'll consider that marathon a success too. This Thanksgiving is terribly mixed results so far.

 

[DogwoodTree]

...but my grandmother has said some classy things like "you're going to die alone because everybody hates you". I'm very wary around her because she makes sure she has no witnesses when she pulls these stunts.

That's just sad. I'm sorry.


I managed to avoid it yesterday...and happily worked away toward my next deadline. Gotta face it tomorrow, though...everyone is coming to my house.

 

[AsheSkyler]

That's just sad. I'm sorry.

No worries. There's something to be said for Aspie abilities to roll with something. =)

 

[Ambellina]

This year was the first year i felt comfortable-finally! My sister and brother in law had my brother and I over. Just the 4 of us no pressure, just good food and we actually had great conversation. I got a little overwhelmed but stepped into the next room for a minute, and no one had to make a big deal out of it. Success!

 

[DogwoodTree]

Saturday is to be spent with my other grandparents...

So how did it go?

I survived my get-together. Other than having to tolerate hugs that I really just did not want (one of my sisters wears raunchy perfume, and my mom caresses when she hugs...ick, gives me the heebie jeebies), everyone seemed to be on good behavior. I suspect that, like your grandmother, no one wants to risk sounding like the bad guy when anyone else is around to form a judgmental opinion of them. So they act like perfect angels when everyone is together. It's the one-on-one conversations with people that seem to be the most dangerous.

It's nearly 5 am now...been working towards a deadline...and have to get up again at 7:30. Okay...

 

[On the Inside]

Had TGday dinner at SO's family place, her whole family there. I started a big bonfire and spent much of my time around it, feeding it wood. Took breaks to pull people around through the snow on a sled attached to an ATV. Wound up drinking too much, first time for that in a long time. I did have some illuminating thoughts brought on by the fire and beer.

Missed the dinner with my family, usually a more pleasant time for me. They tend to understand me better, and there isn't nearly as much alcohol around.

 

[photoaddict]

My extended family, on my mom's side, always gets together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have a fairly small family, though, with a whole 16 people in total. Half of that number are kids. I'm happiest if I can host, which I did for Thanksgiving (good possibility Christmas will be here, too). When it's at my house, it's easy to slip off, out of the way, for a little while. The same applies for my 4 year old. When he gets stressed, he goes and sits on his bed for a while.

I think we're lucky, though, because so many of us are not "typical". I have a cousin with Down syndrome, one with an anxiety disorder, one with ADHD, one with undiagnosed disabilities (has an IEP at school, but no label), a brother with ASD, and my son with SPD (high probability of ASD). With so many with *something*, it's easier for people to understand and work with it. At least half of us needed a quiet break by the time dinner was over, so we spread out to different parts of the house. Once everyone was recharged, we came back together and played games.

I'm still exhausted by the end, but I don't get the massive headaches I used to, before so many of us were born/diagnosed and things were adjusted to work for us. Especially with the youngest kids and my brother's diagnosis, there has come a lot of understanding, so even for the oldest of us, it's now a better environment. I remember, as a kid, sitting in a corner, trying not to fall apart, with my cousin with anxiety because neither of us could handle it, but no one understood. But it's different now and I can actually look forward to holidays.

 

[AsheSkyler]

So how did it go?

I survived my get-together. Other than having to tolerate hugs that I really just did not want (one of my sisters wears raunchy perfume, and my mom caresses when she hugs...ick, gives me the heebie jeebies), everyone seemed to be on good behavior. I suspect that, like your grandmother, no one wants to risk sounding like the bad guy when anyone else is around to form a judgmental opinion of them. So they act like perfect angels when everyone is together. It's the one-on-one conversations with people that seem to be the most dangerous.

It's nearly 5 am now...been working towards a deadline...and have to get up again at 7:30. Okay...

Would have gone great, but my idiot in-laws forgot again that my husband and I hate unannounced/uninvited visitors and that we already had plans for Saturday, so they crashed the party. (We presently live in my grandparents' front yard, so to speak.) And now possibly won't be talking to us for a few months since they went into my house to complain to my husband about how "unfriendly" I was and he was in the middle of enjoying a precious rare moment of peace and quiet alone, so he wasn't that chipper either. Rudeness aside, you'd think that a two-hour drive would warrant asking if somebody is home so the gas wouldn't be a waste. On the bright side, we got to fully initiate/traumatize my sister's boyfriend with our shared weirdness and ability to communicate in movie quotes.

Caressing hugs sounds like something I had in a bad dream once... I hope you got as few of those as possible!

 

[DogwoodTree]

Rudeness aside, you'd think that a two-hour drive would warrant asking if somebody is home so the gas wouldn't be a waste.

Wow...I could almost pardon their thinking until you mentioned how far they drove to get there. Drama...what fun (not). Sorry.

On the bright side, we got to fully initiate/traumatize my sister's boyfriend with our shared weirdness and ability to communicate in movie quotes.

That happens with newbies in our family, too, both in fun ways and not so much. My mom and a sister have befriended a girl...single mom...trying to work and go to college. The girl is sweet, and her toddler is precious. Every time I've seen her over the past few months, I keep thinking, "Oh just wait. It doesn't stay this sweet and rich forever." And last week...she started to see our family's true colors. Just a little bit. But enough. She was really hurt and confused, and although she's got a good head on her shoulders for her young age, it's an awful lot to expect someone like that to handle when people turn on her with no warning.

 

[AsheSkyler]

That happens with newbies in our family, too, both in fun ways and not so much. My mom and a sister have befriended a girl...single mom...trying to work and go to college. The girl is sweet, and her toddler is precious. Every time I've seen her over the past few months, I keep thinking, "Oh just wait. It doesn't stay this sweet and rich forever." And last week...she started to see our family's true colors. Just a little bit. But enough. She was really hurt and confused, and although she's got a good head on her shoulders for her young age, it's an awful lot to expect someone like that to handle when people turn on her with no warning.

Poor girl. I hope she's got nerves of steel. What little bit I've been reading of your family makes me a bit skittish. And the evil side of me then wonders what would happen if your mom and my mother-in-law ever met. I predict either worst enemies, or best friends that would make Hitler or Stalin pale with fear.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Poor girl. I hope she's got nerves of steel. What little bit I've been reading of your family makes me a bit skittish. And the evil side of me then wonders what would happen if your mom and my mother-in-law ever met. I predict either worst enemies, or best friends that would make Hitler or Stalin pale with fear.

You know, my mom really is a good person. (And to be fair, it was my sister who turned on the girl.) Mom had a terrible, awful childhood, in many ways very much worse than mine. That she's functional at all says a lot about her character. But she has a lot of flaws still, both inborn and inflicted. And her unwillingness to see her own flaws is what makes her so difficult to deal with. I try to keep coming back to a place of compassion, and trying to learn how to do that without losing myself in the process.

 

[AsheSkyler]

You know, my mom really is a good person. (And to be fair, it was my sister who turned on the girl.) Mom had a terrible, awful childhood, in many ways very much worse than mine. That she's functional at all says a lot about her character. But she has a lot of flaws still, both inborn and inflicted. And her unwillingness to see her own flaws is what makes her so difficult to deal with. I try to keep coming back to a place of compassion, and trying to learn how to do that without losing myself in the process.

I tried that with my mother-in-law since I know she grew up with an abusive drunkard for a dad. And then she had some kittens drowned because one scratched her, had a harmless armadillo shot that came up in the yard and stood over to gloat at it until it died a few hours later, among many other good signs of character. She's just not a person I could ever feel compassion for.