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My Friend Asperger's: Angry I Brought it Up

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Aspie's Friend, Aug 12, 2017.

  1. Aspie's Friend

    Aspie's Friend Member

    Jun 4, 2016
    IMO, my best friend has Aspergers. She is amazing and brilliant but has different wiring. I bought up a few years ago and she freaked out emphatically declared she dow not have it and really got mad. So I dropped it for over a year.

    She is battling depression and unable to change some traits that bother her so I looked for answers and felt she could really use help from others wired like her so I spent hours researching and thinking of how to bring it up again without upsetting her.

    I am extremely ADD which I believe is a good thing with a bad label so I explained to her that labels of people that do not fit the norm can be gifts and talents- I believe she is VERY gifted and talented BLESSED with her different wiring.

    So I brought it up again and gave her a quiz (she had no idea where it was going) answers yes to 98% of every question on female Aspergers quiz I asked her verbally (see below). Then shared how wrong labels can be but how useful it could be to help with her depression and broke it gently that it was Aspergers. I was so relieved and excited when it went well.....for about 20 minutes.

    BIG MISTAKE. she took it OK until she had time to think then ran to computer to show me wrong. She accepts being Highly sensitive and found an article about highly sensitive and female Aspergers being similar so she must just be highly sensitive.

    Then I got irritated that there is AN ENTIRE WORLD she can learn from and get help from all the things she complains about DAILY--but she does not like the label so she is rejecting it.

    She argued some more so I blew up and told her some of her friends think she is insane (they do and I never told her before) so now I am crushed that I hurt her but still very irritated that she won't even look at the possibility.

    Now I made it all 100% worse. Now she knows at least one friend thinks she is insane and I don't know if she will ever get over it.

    Needed to vent I don't know if you can help.

    QUIZ I gave her. Asked her to relate one to three. (3 she can really relate to)

    1. Feeling misunderstood: Feeling different or as if you come from another planet 3
    2. Deep thinker drawn to poetry. 2 (she said 2 but read me poetry weekly)
    3. Sensory overwhelm: Sight, touch, sound, hearing and sense of smell may be uncomfortably strong at times. 3
    4. Angry explosion meltdowns – may happen when triggered or feeling trapped. 3
    5. Crying meltdowns: After exploding in anger you may feel distraught and cry uncontrollably. 3
    6. Highly intelligent. 3
    7. Silent shutdowns – times when you can’t speak or socialize: Sometimes you want to get away from people and to be quiet until you are calm again. 3 (she said 10)
    8. Avoidance – not going places you imagine will be hard for you socially: situations you avoid out of the fear of being overwhelmed or uncomfortable. 3 (she said 6)
    9. Analyzes exhistance and the meaning of life constantly. 3 (she said 10)
    10. Hung up on communication: Improper word usage, grammar, people saying things that clearly contradict previously established facts or actions, etc. 3 (she said 10)
    11. Head person – logical person who thinks and analyses. 3
    12. Hard-working conscientious worker. 3
    13. Highly sensitivity: May be unable to watch horror, violence, disturbing movies, and news programs. 3.
    14. Pattern finder: Ability to connect the dots to come up with original ideas or ways of understanding people and the world. 3
    15. Open book: extremely open and honest. More open than people in general when feeling comfortable and accepted. 3
    16. Bluntness and directness: Favor literal and direct communication. You may be confused when people say things they don’t mean e.g. false politeness. 3
    17. 1 Being friends in the ‘normal’ way is either something that you can’t do or it is social behavior you had to learn by observing.
    18. Dissolving friendship boundaries: may be too clingy or bossy. 3
    19. 0 Awkward about social touch: don’t really touch other people or if you do you don’t really like it. (exception romantic partner)
    20. Serious and matter of fact in nature. 3
    21. Copies, mimics, acts in order to fit in. 1
    22. Tendency to take things literally: Has trouble with phrases like "bat out of hell” Confused about bats living in hell. (she said 1 but I say 10)
    23. Doesn’t take matters for granted.3
    24. Suffers with depression. 3
    25. May be clumsy or un-coordinated
    26. She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations 3
    27. Extremely focused and dedicated to the things you chose to do or work on. 3
    28. May have a lengthy history of going to therapists, psychiatrists, psychologist. 3
    29. Mind going blank and empty when surprised or overwhelmed. 3 (she said, "everyone does")
    30. Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate
      Repetitive eating habits : Chooses an eating plan for various health or personal reasons and then sticks with it (isn’t tempted to go off the diet like most people are). 3
    31. Makes funny noises – when comfortable the sounds you create carry meaning in communication. When feeling comfortable and accepted may make noises to express feelings in the moment rather than use words. 3 ("everyone does")
    32. Doesn’t like plans being changed unexpectedly. Lateness can trigger anxiety. 2
    33. Often have a rigid negative thinking, inflexible black or white thinking style or rogidity of thinking. 3
    34. Often gets lost in thought, blanks out. 2
    35. Feels everything is complex. 3
    36. Dislike trying new things: stressful. 3
    37. Difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty. 3
  2. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    May 27, 2015
    Think that maybe diagnosing your friend is the wrong way to go. It may be that she has autism but really that's for her to search and find out about. Seeing someone who is specialized in the field. Online tests really are not that conclusive, especially for females.

    It probably wasn't a good idea to relate that someone thinks she's insane, that likely hurt her and will be in her memory for most of her life. Maybe retract that, even if it's something someone really said. People with autism are not insane. It's not a mental illness. It's more a way of looking at things differently. Just accept your friend for who they are, and stop trying to point out anything that is different. It will hurt her and make her depressed.
    • Agree Agree x 9
  3. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

    Aug 28, 2013
    One must take their own path to become self-aware of their own autism. It's not something another party can simply convince another of, or hold any kind of intervention over. No matter how badly they may want to help such a person.

    And even when a person begins to suspect they may be on the spectrum of autism, there's likely to be a lot of denial along the way. It's not a simple or linear process of discovery. The thing is, that some people can be horrified by such a revelation. Others profoundly enlightened. With no way to really predict either outcome.

    I found out by accident. Where I was guided by my own curiosity and logic. But for me it was like traveling down a road strewn with many potholes.
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  4. fairy_girl

    fairy_girl Active Member

    Aug 9, 2017
    I can see that it was meaning well but never try to self-diagnose a person. It makes them doubt their own sanity and makes them feel bad. Or she could have already figured that she didn't belong with the group of friends but didn't want to think about it and was saddened when it was confirmed.

    I would give it a few days and see if she comes around and wants to be your friend.
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  5. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Nov 24, 2014
    Your friend has to be SEARCHING for answers herself, in order for her to accept another's search.

    In any situation, it has to come from the person themselves. Think of people who are addicted to drink or drugs etc, they can only be helpd if they acknowledge they have a problem.

    I have wondered all my life what was going on with me; no matter how much I try to change my situation with social issues, I always failed miserably. So, if you were my friend ( what a friend you sound too, she is very blessed to know you), then I would be happy to and grateful what you tell me. Whereas your friend seems to not be in that way ie that she has been searching for answers. Especially if she is not aware that people think she is insane ( I am told often that I am insane).

    Thank you for your list, because I tick all the boxes, accept I hate poetry lol

    I have to ask and I have seen aspies use it, but what is: IMO and DD?
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  6. OlLiE

    OlLiE Active Member

    Jun 26, 2017
    a long time ago i told all my 'friends' that wouldn't accept me for who i am to piss off,
    the very best decision i ever made, at least now i don't have to feel i'm being judged by people i'm supposed to trust and i am not wasting time and energy in people that lack the depth to appreciate me for who i am

    she would most likely seek the 'why' behind the symptoms when it becomes relevant to her, not when her 'friends' think she should

    i for one hate it, when friends used to want to fix me, i found it very condescending,
    does any one feel it's necessary to diagnose and fix, loudmouths, rude people, overly extrovert people, inconsiderate, arrogant people, shallow people, materialistic people, the shortsighted people, manipulative people?

    i am waiting for the day that they find a label for the people on the opposite end of the spectrum
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2017
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  7. Bolletje

    Bolletje Well-Known Member

    Jan 3, 2017
    No, no, and no. I can see that you are trying to help, but unless your friend expressly asks for your opinion, diagnosing her is simply not your business. I think you need to apologize profusely for intruding, retract the statement about her friends calling her insane, and tell her to contact you when she wants to talk again. Then leave her alone.
    • Agree Agree x 4
  8. Katleya

    Katleya A bit of an acquired taste V.I.P Member

    Mar 11, 2017
    Someone who is not ready to be helped cannot be helped.

    That being said, while I understand you had good intentions, the execution was less than ideal, at least that how I would have felt if I had been in your friend's position.
    If that friend were me, here's what I would have found hurtful:
    - The matter has already been discussed a year or so ago, and that has been filed away, so it should not have been brought back up. Yet, you did, so the thing pretty much started with a "neurocultural" clash.
    - You screened her against her will. Basically, you tricked her into that. I have a feeling your friend is going to be holding a grudge because of that lie, it's almost like a betrayal. And I'm not even going into the fact that as a non-professional, you're not even supposed to be doing any screening in the first place; as others have said, there are a variety of online tests, but that's only going to get you so far. I'm not even saying they're worthless, but given that even seasoned professionals can fail to properly diagnose autism, they're barely an indicator. Also, maybe it has been ruled out by a professional already, and the conflicting opinions are hard to handle (if so, maybe the professional is wrong and you're right, that can always happen, but very few people would trust their friend's judgment over a doctor's). I would be so worried to have a friend who deceived me, no matter how good their reasons, because how do I know they won't deceive me again? I can't read social clues, so it's bound to happen, and who can you trust if you can't trust your friends? (That's one of the reasons I don't keep NTs close-by)
    - The "others think you're insane" bit: you can't take that back. You can apologize for it all you want, the seed is there now, and it's going to grow and feed on past rejection and all kinds of events where she was made to feel like an outcast, if she is indeed on the spectrum. That feeling of not belonging can be devastating, it can clearly cause depression, and it's pretty easy to trigger.

    Coming to terms with being on the spectrum is hard enough when you embrace it, but I can't imagine how hard it must be for someone who's not ready. Maybe we could compare it to the delivery of a baby? It's going to hurt if it happens when the baby is ready to come out, but imagine how much gorier and painful it is if you cut open an unsuspecting pregnant woman and rip out the baby without prior notice or anesthesia? Maybe the intervention was needed, but it's violent nevertheless.

    I do want to commend you for trying to help, and for caring for your friend. I really do want to. But I don't know what to tell you regarding how to fix the mess you two are in now. Hell is paved with good intentions, I guess. So I'll wish you luck, and my best guess is that you need to apologize for overstepping the boundaries, maybe address the fact that you were not trying to deceive her, but I would expect the friendship to be like reheated leftovers: not quite what you used to know, and maybe not something that's still desirable.
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  9. Alaska

    Alaska Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Mar 3, 2017
    If this behavior is what you do to your best friend, then come on here and ask what we think, you have some serious social problems of your own. I think it would be a good idea for you to apologise to your friend. Next, you need to get help to find out what your problem is.

    You do not seem to understand how harmful your behavior was, so here is a brief recap: 1) You disregarded your friend's wishes a year ago, when she was clearly distressed by your information. 2) You ambushed her with a quiz you deceived her about 3) You poisoned her other relationships, so she will have an even worse time socially than she did before.

    Get help for your problem when you feel ready.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Momo

    Momo Well-Known Larrikin

    Jun 10, 2017
    I'm afraid the only way she would have accepted it was if she looked into it herself. It can be a long process to accept such things. I'm afraid it may just be a bit too much for her right now and she will likely not listen to you. I can understand your frustration, but it's probably best to stop pushing.
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  11. Chance

    Chance "all who wander are not lost" - Tolkien V.I.P Member

    Jul 2, 2017
    I was the result of a forced diagnosis. I felt trapped, scared, labeled... I did later feel relieved I guess.
    I always knew I was different, but it messed me up (it still messes me up) when people see me as something that needs fixing.

    Never to brag but I am intelligent, and I have done more with my life than most any one around me, even that doesn't stop people from trying to FIX me. It bugs them that I don't fit in, and it bugs them that I can think circles around them.

    I understand some of what your friend feels...

    I will never tell you what to do... but you might want to point out her good strong points and try to get back in her good graces. Your friendship is way more important than some stupid ass label. : )

    A good opening line might be... I was stupid and I am sorry... Just a thought from a guy with ASD and more.
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