My Father won’t compromise on anything. I always end up compromising. Tired of this!

[Fino]

The person who is paying makes the decisions. If it's his money of course he's not going to compromise, and you have no right to expect him to. You should be grateful that they invite you along at all!

You're an adult, if you don't like it stay home, or go on holiday by yourself, simple.

I really think you would benefit from mindfully practicing gratitude. Finding something you are grateful for every day and writing it down, perhaps with a focus on the things your parents are generous enough to provide for you.

Please, please listen to this person!

 

[Misery]

This part is important.

I seriously feel like I'm missing something that's been going on in the forum as a whole.

This thread doesnt seem particularly off to me, but... yeah, based on the comments here overall I get the impression I'm missing part of the story here.

 

[Fino]

I seriously feel like I'm missing something that's been going on in the forum as a whole.

This thread doesnt seem particularly off to me, but... yeah, based on the comments here overall I get the impression I'm missing part of the story here.

Among other things, I'd say some of the common themes in it all is a very long pattern of complaining about someone else not doing what he thinks they should have done, that no one is treating him right, and it's so unfair and everyone is so unreasonable, why don't they just do what they obviously should be doing, which is something to benefit him, without involving any effort on his part.

 

[Stuart1975]

Easy, don’t go. Doesn’t sound like it’d be much fun anyway. Grew up with a narcissistic father and can’t think of anyone I’d like to go on holiday with less.

 

[unperson]

Driving isn't enjoyable for the driver cos all they see is the road. Maybe dad wants to see more than the road this trip. It's like expecting mum to cook on holidays, not much of a holiday for her.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I told him I would pay it and he is looking now. The problem is that I don’t know what to do when someone won’t compromise and I feel that they are being awkward.

If he does not want to change, you have two choices. Either tell them to enjoy their trip together as you would have greater fun being alone, than with all that anxiety from the trip under those circumstances, or to go with them, and find any pleasure you can with such. A reasonable parent will seriously consider other input, and may change their stance on occasion when they see they could be wrong, or to please a loved one. The same could be said for children and teens. But, parents are supposed to be more mature, and not authoritarian, and to give choices and respect to growing children. This creates more mature children.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's what l tried most of the time.

 

[Fino]

I think it's amazing that you're being taken on a vacation at all, but I honestly don't know if that's just odd of me or not.

 

[Misery]

I think it's amazing that you're being taken on a vacation at all, but I honestly don't know if that's just odd of me or not.

I sense, perhaps, a bit of irritation here.

 

[Fino]

I sense, perhaps, a bit of irritation here.

Really? I felt I was expressing irritation up to that point and intended that to be the one comment without irritation. I could be wrong, I've been irritated before without realizing it until it was pointed out, many times.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I think it's amazing that you're being taken on a vacation at all, but I honestly don't know if that's just odd of me or not.

Well I'm not sure it's all that unusual for [well off] parents to take their adult kids who still live at home with them on hols, my parents did before I got a job... but then I get on really well with my parents, and I was always grateful and made an effort to be helpful and go along with their plans. If I behaved the way OP seems to I'm pretty sure they would have been delighted to leave me behind, like they did when I was an insufferable whingey teenager.

 

[Fino]

Well I'm not sure it's all that unusual for [well off] parents to take their adult kids who still live at home with them on hols, my parents did before I got a job... but then I get on really well with my parents, and I was always grateful and made an effort to be helpful and go along with their plans. If I behaved the way OP seems to I'm pretty sure they would have been delighted to leave me behind, like they did when I was an insufferable whingey teenager.

I didn't even mean necessarily because of his age, going on vacation at any age sounds amazing. But you're right, it's even more of a reason to be grateful considering the age.

 

[Frostee]

Among other things, I'd say some of the common themes in it all is a very long pattern of complaining about someone else not doing what he thinks they should have done, that no one is treating him right, and it's so unfair and everyone is so unreasonable, why don't they just do what they obviously should be doing, which is something to benefit him, without involving any effort on his part.

Well... my mum and I came over to London yesterday. What happened in route?

- My father rushed me and I dropped my headphones in the rain. My father started shouting when my mother suggested that we drive back to pick them up. So I had to buy a new pair in the end.
- An almighty row for 50 minutes in the car between my mother and father? Why? Well, because my father believes that my mother has to do everything he wants to do.
- Now, what does he do? Ignore her when she calls (on the trip), answers in a stroppy voice, give digs.
- Father told my mother that he expects her to stay at home if he does not want to go on a trip. The problem is that my father is a homebody and does not want to go anywhere. So he expects my mum to not go because he doesn’t want to go. - He then behaves in this manipulative, controlling way if she does not do this.
- I try to defend my mother in these arguments, but often end up backing down as he gets very angry/animated if I do so.
- As far as I am concerned this is controlling behaviour and something I do not agree with. A woman, or indeed anyone should be ABLE to go or travel anywhere independently in the World. If the husband does not want to travel, the wife can still go on.
- This cycle continues over and over again each and everytime my father does not travel with us. Shouting and roaring, bitching and digs.
- My father also expects my mother to agree with each and every point he makes in a debate or if he is disciplining me/my sister. She is not allowed to disagree with him.

So my father does have some awkward, stubborn traits that makes the relationship tedious and difficult to handle.

I do feel that my father has some form of Aspergers, due to the above behaviours and his rigid, rule based social behaviour.

The intention of this thread was to discuss the idea of my father never compromising, me feeling deeply uncomfortable with that, not knowing what to do.

You in turn decided to take it out on me (as an easy target) because you were feeling resentful that my parents pay for me to travel. Yes, my parents do pay. But I contribute small sums, for example, I paid for the full cost of the car hire in Portugal.

The issue I had this time, was that he would not get a car unless I paid for it I.e Blackmail. And I felt uncomfortable with that, backed into a corner. As I do feel that my father is often unaccommodating and I did not want to be controlled.

 

[Frostee]

Among other things, I'd say some of the common themes in it all is a very long pattern of complaining about someone else not doing what he thinks they should have done, that no one is treating him right, and it's so unfair and everyone is so unreasonable, why don't they just do what they obviously should be doing, which is something to benefit him, without involving any effort on his part.

Yes, because I am insecure and have met/come across people who I do not believe are behaving in a cordial manner. I then get offended at this and take it as a slight.

If I can explain...I am an analytical person who observes the social situation that I am in, to see what people are doing, who they are and what their intentions are. If I see someone behaving in an inappropriate manner, I take it as a slight. I do not usually understand and cannot comprehend why people would be deliberately awkward against a stranger that they do not know. For example, today at a conference I attended as part of a group, a faculty member came over and talked to everyone (she made no eye contact with me, despite participating and did not motion to me) but me about a campaign. This woman had never seen me in her life. Why would she ignore me? (And she most definitely did, as our “manager” tried to include me) I left that event feeling very hurt. Wondering why I was ignored, if I was doing anything inappropriate?

I also have Social Anxiety and am very hyper alert when out and about. I am jumpy and I notice people laughing, staring at me etc. I do not let this prevent me from heading out, but it does affect me.

 

[Frostee]

Driving isn't enjoyable for the driver cos all they see is the road. Maybe dad wants to see more than the road this trip. It's like expecting mum to cook on holidays, not much of a holiday for her.

I’ll be getting my car soon, so not to worry. Rest assured if anyone ever needs a lift from me, I will always take them. I will not behave like him.

 

[Frostee]

I think it's amazing that you're being taken on a vacation at all, but I honestly don't know if that's just odd of me or not.

I’ve went on a foreign holiday with my family every year, bar two. It’s not rare here to do this.

It would be something I would expect my family to do, and most other families in my area.

 

[Frostee]

@Frostee I believe you just graduated from college this year? Have you found a job yet? You are living with your parents, it is nice to have something to fall back on but if they are paying the bills they deserve your gratefulness and respect. Someone here just said "If Dad is paying it is his choice." This is absolutely true. If you don't like it you can move out into a place of your own. You are an adult. You can't find a great job (or have you, been awhile since I heard?) (Sorry) but you could find a job somewhere if you are willing to do anything to earn your own way. Even if you just helped with the bills. You went to college, you earned your degree... Put that effort into helping out instead of complaining.

I am very sorry if I seem mean but I am the father of 6 boys so I do know a little what I'm talking about. All my kids are gone, but we did have a couple that took a little while to "learn to fly." But while they were under our roof they were under our rules. My wife and I are very kind, we were not mean to them, but they had chores, helped out, and helped with the bills as they were able.

You have money to pay for a rental car. Are you helping with the bills? The more you pitch in the more they will tend to see you as an adult. You have to earn respect. If you are still acting as a child you will be treated as a child.

If I am way off base and things have changed I am very sorry, not trying to be hurtful at all Frostee.

I don’t have a job. I am still searching. Although, I have just finished an Internship today.

What I do is give my mother £80 a month for Food Shopping and that would be my contribution. I did pay for the car (all of it) yes.

 

[Frostee]

Why are saying I am abusing him? I have just explained that he blackmails and manipulates my mother into always doing what he wants. I have also referenced his stubbornness and lack of compromise.

I am only stating what happens.

 

[Frostee]

Because he never compromises and behaves in an awkward manner. That is my issue with him. His complete stubbornness.

 

[Frostee]

Get that job so you can get a place of your own. Then you can be in charge. It is so what you need. Trust me.

Ok I guess!