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Featured My Father won’t compromise on anything. I always end up compromising. Tired of this!

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Sep 3, 2019.

  1. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Perhaps having paid for the car in Portugal, you've set up an expectation to him that you'll pay for the car again? Like a habit, maybe.

    I don't know if that's exactly "blackmail," though, it seems more like, "If you want it then get it" sort of thing.

    I thought I remembered you saying in the first post that he refused to get a car, but now you're saying you can get one if you pay. Maybe I misread the first post.
     
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  2. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    That is not blackmail, at all :rolleyes:. He didn't want to pay for something he didn't think was necessary and didn't want, that is his right. That he agreed to use a rental car if you payed for it yourself is a compromise. A very reasonable compromise in fact.
     
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  3. Stuart1975

    Stuart1975 Member

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    Wow don’t understand why op is getting so much hate. I can relate to a lot of what has been said by op. I’m in my forties now and don’t have much of a relationship with my father now. We do still talk.
     
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  4. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I hope sharing further my differing perspective helps a little.

    First off, yes it is hard to be a parent, and is is very hard parenting with special needs children. It can be very rewarding though, so I focus on that.

    So, I do see both sides to this parental and ASD issue, as we are parents of Autistic children, and as I am very open minded and will not always agree with parents, but not always with one with Autism either. It depends on the individual circumstances.

    From what I see in this thread, the op is not being unreasonable. He seems not lazy, spoiled, and not unreasonable in the things he says. In fact, he seems quite understanding in ways, and with desires to not have disagreements in the home, and with some fairness and empathy shown. That is to be respected.

    While I do generally agree that parents should set rules, I do not agree with any parent who has the attitude, “I pay the bills, so do what I say, and care not for what I do.” That is why so many children in this world are abused and neglected, and partly why so many parents are mean. That authoritarian or I’m entitled mindset, as I am your parent and must be bowed down to and respected for everything, as I have the money or am bigger or supposedly wiser than you. To me, such a parent has an unfit attitude.

    In this case, apparently the parents made the choice to have children, and to keep going on vacation, so, sorry, my sympathy is not there with parents for any monetary issue, and as the parents could be getting some benefit with that child home. Let’s not assume the parents are burdened by the child. It could be the other way around, and that adult child is trying his best to break free. The father also apparently wanted that vacation destination, and that is fine, if he is paying for it.

    But, I do not expect then the child to jump and down in joy and say, “Wow, just what I ever dreamed, to go visit that country and to ride around in taxi, and going where that parent(s) tell I am going, at a moments notice.” If they are not communicating with the child, and do not care about what that child wants for such important family decisions, but dictates, that is not the most wise or caring parent. And a caring parent does not hold dollars bills over their child’s head, to get them to do things only their way.

    That is not treating the child like an adult, so for the adult to expect their son or daughter to act that adult way, for all circumstances, when the parent’s are being either childlike, stubborn, not listening, or with selfish intentions, that is not right. Children learn right from wrong from parents. As well, from what I understand, the father broke a promise. That is not showing respect for rules, and it is certainly not mature.

    Nor does it necessarily show parental care if saving a little bit of money by not have independent transpiration for the trip is more important than their child’s or adult child’s sensitivities and fears, which could be understandable not only because of the Autism, but because traveling to unfamiliar or new countries can indeed pose extra dangers for that traveler. Cutting costs there by being dependent on public transportation may be putting family safety in jeopardy, and indeed make the experience less enjoyable.

    Is there perhaps a better way to prevent disagreements in the family? Yes, BUT then the op would always be doing just what his parents said, and repress his feelings and concerns, feeling anxiety in the process, which will just create more family conflict, if not now, then later. I do not relate to parents like that. We treat our sons as if they have feelings and choices too. We never hold money over their heads, so as to set rigid rules or dictate. We have rules and boundaries, but we always think of the children desires and needs, too.

    I trust what any person with Autism says, and do not need a parental side to things, as from my experiences most Autistics are for the most part factual and honest. I have no proof otherwise, and as my first instinct is to support them when they say controlling and stubborn or rigid behavior from parents is involved. Parents are entitled to not being perfect too, but sometimes a parent can resolve a situation by talking calmly things out, and bending if legitimate concerns are addressed.

    People assume vacations are fun. Not for all. So, yes, if the op
    feels anxiety going on this trip, because of any reason, by all means do not go. You owe your parents nothing there, as apparently you were not in the discussion there, if that was the case. For many persons, trips, and meeting new persons and new places, can be scary even, much less any public transportation. I certainly would not find enjoyment with such a trip.

    Like me, many with Autism or other conditions, can be into details and be avoidant of people, or feel different from other people and be hesitant or unable to do certain things. So, if I was in the op’s case, as I am the non confrontational type too, I would not be comfortable with the setup, and would politely decline. Other things the op said about the father bothered me as well. Yes, that parent may need a break from being entirely blamed, but the op certainly is not the main problem here. Please show him support and understanding.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
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  5. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    @techteach - I don't think you've shown any 'hate' on this thread.

    I haven't seen hate from anyone else either. Frustration perhaps, which is understandable given the long history of this type of post from the OP. But hate, no.
     
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  6. Stuart1975

    Stuart1975 Member

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    Ok I’ll swap hate for disagreement. Sorry
     
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  7. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Hi, Dadwith2Autisticsons, thank you for taking the time to discuss this problem. I appreciate hearing your perspective from a parenting point of view.

    I do agree with most of what you have said. I have to say that I have said this to my parents I.e “you took the choice to have me” so it’s not my fault or my problem. Which is true for them and any other parent in this World.

    I shouldn’t have to suffer because of their decisions. They should’ve factored this into their finances when they took the decision to have children/sex.

    My father does manipulate me, in a blackmailing sort of way and others in my family. I am intimidated by him, but do stand up for my own convictions and beliefs.

    I was deeply upset that my favour would not compromise over the car. I felt that I had to do what he wanted and I had no say in anything. I felt that I had no backbone and was backing down.

    I did not know what to do. He is very controlling. He still has not apologised for his behaviour the other day. And this will go on.

    I will basically have to talk to him again because he will not reach out to me. He never, ever apologises. This is what he does.
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
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  8. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Don't count on it. The "autistic people can't lie" thing is a stereotype, and we are just as prone to biases, misunderstanding, exaggeration, false memories and skewed perception as NTs.
     
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  9. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    You hit a nerve with me Techteach. This thread is about my issues not you. You’ve turned this into something about you, attacking and venting at me/others in the process.
     
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  10. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    No one has attacked you.

    Irrespective of who started the thread, other people can post on a thread about their experiences.
     
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  11. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    But he did compromise! Letting you pay for the car is a compromise. You seem to be under the impression that "compromise" means "doing what you want" but that isn't how compromise works.

    Try researching the definition of compromise. While you're at it research the definition of blackmail because you have said this is something he does but the examples given are not blackmail at all. If you want people to understand you and believe you it is important to use words correctly.
     
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  12. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am sorry that your father treats you that way, and he has that behavior towards you. You deserve better treatment. I really mean that. Lots of parents cannot either admit wrong, compromise, or have the strength or wisdom, to put their child first. I feel bad for them as well, because many have issues or past bad lives as well, but admittedly I see many parents as using that as a crutch to not be their best, or to treat their children in less than ideal ways.

    Whenever I hear a story of abuse, neglect, or controlling and manipulative behavior, it reminds me of my parents. I grew up not talking most of my life and disabled because of them, yet I one day got away from them, grew stronger and learned from their harmful ways. I became a very empathetic person towards anyone wronged. So, when I sensed your frustration, saw your pain, and saw your strengths, and saw the harms being done, of course I wanted to support you. I feel proud of that, and will never feel shame there.

    For anyone who got angry at me, that is a reflection on them, not me. I realize those others must be in pain. But, try not to elevate themselves as having had greater pain than others. I see everyone who was abused and neglected as the same. But, as this was Frostees thread, and as I trust, and as what I see as harms against you, my support is there. If any parent disagrees with the harms against him, then they are seeing something totally different than I. For any to try to minimize the adult child’s harms against him because that parent may have genetic or past environment reasons to do such, is absurd. Sorry if other people do not understand that!
     
  13. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Disagree. There have been several posters that have been unfair to the op with their sarcasm and inability to support him.
     
  14. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It would help if you quoted me accurately. I never made that quote. I said may be more prone to be honest and factual. Is that a lie, or the truth?
     
  15. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I saved the best for last. I am sorry for your pain, too, and I hope you get the help, strength and wisdom to be your best too, just like I do in my own ways, but this is not a court of law. This is a forum where Autistic members and those who relate who post about their issues, anxieties and fears should feel respect and support, without personal attacks and unfair critiques.

    The original poster, who has two issues that I understand well, as our children have one or both of those issues, and with similar controlling past parent(s), received unjust personal critiques, that made him likely feel less worthy of that pain because he was an adult child living at home, and because he said it was very anxious and uncomfortable at seeing a very stubborn parent who did not listen and with controlling behaviors, that was not uncommon for him to see.

    The poster is not a very young child, and lives at home, so this makes him less worthy of feeling pain, and being wronged? No! Yes, that parent has pain of their own, and perhaps a condition, too, but when one decides to have children, or even if accident, the parent needs to do whatever is in their power to learn from wrongs, communicate with that still at home adult child, and to avoid confrontation. It sounds to me the poster is starting to fear that parent, by trying to be less confrontational. That reminds me of me growing up.

    Perhaps the vacations sooth that parent or parents in some way. How about using that occasional set aside money to help that poster become more self sufficient, if not already? The priorities should always be with that child, in our opinion, until that child can leave home. We as parents have made several changes in our lives to best support our children. I have suffered great, as a child, but I am not a child anymore. My focus is on them, as I had years and years and years on my own at self improvement. Our focus is on our children, and supporting those who have the most need.

    Thank you for your views. I did not have a need to get angry at you, as under stress I try to work harder and be my best. I may have different conditions than you and many of you, so I hope one day our children and many here too, and elsewhere in life, can thrive under adversity too. By thrive, I do not mean monetary success, but a peace and strength in yourselves, during difficult times too, and much happiness regardless of your current lives and in who you are as human beings. I will continue to post here to share my perspective, just as I value all of yours. Thank You for that great opportunity, forum owner and mods.
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
  16. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    What? I quoted directly from your own post using the "reply" function. Or are you talking about the "autistic people can't lie" bit? That wasn't a quote of you, it was me pointing out the stereotype which you appear to have bought into.
    But then you say:
    So which is it, are we (autistic people) honest and factual, or unfair and sarcastic?

    The fact is that we are human beings who are just as likely to lie, be honest, exaggerate, understate, misunderstand, be intensely biased etc. as anyone else, we just may go about it and express it a bit differently. I'm sure that we are all demonstrating some of these traits in this thread, including yourself. Some of us are being influenced by our opinions of the OP formed by interacting with him in many different threads on this forum, maybe that is unfair, maybe not. Personally I think it's a little unfair for a (I assume) NT with autistic kids to come onto an autism forum and preach at actually autistic adults, but such is life eh?
     
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  17. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In our situation, we do not run a home as a dictatorship. We feel this is a democracy. I equate a dictatorship as those homes where the Dad is totally in charge, creates all the rules, and when the wife is seen as obedient or submissive, and with scared children. We see parents as equals, whether they work in or out of the home. We feel children have a right to their say in many daily matters, but for very important matters, whereby health and safety is an issue, we must make final choices.
     
  18. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    @NothingToSeeHere

    You made it sound like I said Autistic persons never lie. I had said Autistic persons are more prone to be factual and to tell the truth. Of course some can lie, but they indeed are more prone to be factual and to tell the truth. I never said otherwise. End of story.
     
  19. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    [​IMG]
    I give up.
     
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  20. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    You're entitled to your opinion, just as I am mine.

    I quoted the OP where he stated he was being attacked and another poster had made the thread about him which is simply not true.

    If anyone has attacked him, there's a report button which you and the OP can utilise.