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Featured My Father won’t compromise on anything. I always end up compromising. Tired of this!

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Frostee, Sep 3, 2019.

  1. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    We are all going to Portugal for a two week holiday. My father is really tight with everything he does, in terms of spending.

    For this holiday he got his way with everything, the duration, the location and the venue. We will also end up going to the food places that he wants to go to.

    He has decided that he will not hire a car. He has never done this but has decided not to do it this year, despite promising to do it if I paid.

    I begged him to do it, but no he will not. We had an almighty row and I have said that I am not going to go to Portugal if he does not hire a car. My mother started screaming at me, blaming me for the row and ranting about how annoying I was for doing this.

    But I LITERALLY have anxiety over this. Portugal is a really rural place with not so great transport. I know that we will have to rely on the transport and so we will be restricted by it.

    If we do not get a car we will not have as much freedom and we will have to take taxis everywhere. I have tried to compromise with him by telling him that I will pay for everything and he still says no.

    This is causing me great stress as I now feel that I cannot say anything about this and I have to do everything he wants. He won’t compromise at all. My mother is screaming/crying and I am looking like the bad one.

    This makes me feel extremely guilty, as she just wants to enjoy the holiday and this is ruining it. But also put in an unfair position where he is controlling everything and I have no say whatsoever. I feel like he is being awkward on purpose.

    What should I do about this, given my anxiety?
     
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  2. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I'd love to know where you got your money. Did someone leave you an inheritance?
     
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  3. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    Stay at home.

    I understand you're an adult, not a child, so is it really necessary for you to go on holiday with your parents?
     
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  4. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Yes I want to see some sun.
     
  5. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    We’re looking at cars now. Idk.

    Just don’t know what to do when someone won’t compromise.
     
  6. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi. How old are you? Can you stay home?
     
  7. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Tell them a family holiday to you means everyone is supposed to be enjoying the holiday, not just the parents. So, if they want you to go and get enjoyment, you will only if the family can have our own transportation, which was a usual routine anyways. Tell them you have a right to input as well, and especially since you agree to help out with that extra transportation cost. You should be supported for having your own reasonable transportation needs and desires, and if your spending extra is more anxiety to them than your stated need and happiness to rather just have the transportation, that is a reflection on them and not you, as you are being responsible, safer, and seem more fair in this matter, in this time where dependent travelers can be taken advantage of by others.
     
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  8. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    I told him I would pay it and he is looking now. The problem is that I don’t know what to do when someone won’t compromise and I feel that they are being awkward.
     
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  9. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Give it a day or two, to allow them some time to think it over. Then go ahead and reintroduce the idea. Many people don't like confrontation, and with some their usual 'kneejerk reaction' is often negative. With time to think about it, they tend to become fair.
     
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  10. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Welcome to family life. This is pretty much how it is. Argue, argue some more, comprise, argue again, and the final comprise. If you don't like it then you need to change your living situation. Have fun in Portugal. If you need chaperoning, just send a ticket to me. lol
     
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  11. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I was raised in a military family. Compromise? LOL....what an interesting concept.

    I wasn't treated as a peer by my parent until I was in my late forties, when my mother legally gave me power of attorney over her affairs.
     
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  12. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I do have to agree with this. My kids had a tendency to wake me up asking if they can do such and such next week. I'd tell them to ask me later or let me think about it and they'd insist on an answer now and I'd just tell them if I answer now, it's no.
     
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  13. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    Dad's are in charge. It's a family not a democracy.
     
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  14. xudo

    xudo something

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    Not everyone's family is like this. I know many families where the Mum is in charge, or both parents are.
     
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  15. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I think you're confused about who your dad is. He's not your roommate or your friend. Of course he chooses everything. I'm starting to think you've never had a serious problem to deal with in your life.
     
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  16. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    I fail to see how wanting to see some sun makes it necessary to go on holiday with your parents.

    Go away alone. That way you can do what you please.
     
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  17. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    The person who is paying makes the decisions. If it's his money of course he's not going to compromise, and you have no right to expect him to. You should be grateful that they invite you along at all!

    You're an adult, if you don't like it stay home, or go on holiday by yourself, simple.

    I really think you would benefit from mindfully practicing gratitude. Finding something you are grateful for every day and writing it down, perhaps with a focus on the things your parents are generous enough to provide for you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2019
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  18. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    I would put this as "the person who's paying is in charge". Though in my family it was always mum who was in charge of making holiday decisions and plans although my parents were equal breadwinners so... maybe "it's the person/people who are paying's choice who is in charge".
     
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  19. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Ehh, there's really different definitions of "serious". It's all relative, really. Heck, basically any problem I complain about would also fall into that same umbrella of "ridiculous". But said things are still problems in my warped little world.

    Is there no way you can just go somewhere on your own though?

    Dont get me wrong... I know that doing things with family is important and all. But doing an entire trip with family often turns real stupid real fast, even for families that normally get along splendidly. All of the loopy stuff that goes along with any sort of travel tends to get everyone all tangled up and agitated, even people who are normally very hard to annoy. Even BEFORE the actual travelling happens. So it's no surprise to me to hear of a situation like what you're describing.

    This is why I just do all of my own travelling. It's just... so much easier. I mean, I figure I already have to be arguing with traffic and the luggage and whatever bloody stupid thing will inevitably get in the way when I get to the hotel, there's little reason to bring anyone else into the mix to make it more irritating.
     
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  20. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    This part is important.
     
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