Masking without being disingenuous?

[Ban]

I feel like when I am in social situations if I act as I would like to I get negative reactions so if I feel it is important for the situation that I do not create this reaction I attempt to mask and say what I think people want to hear. While I still make mistakes I certainly upset people less than I otherwise would but the issue I have is it makes me feel so disingenuous that I struggle to get much satisfaction out of any interactions like this.
For example I understand that to get through the day small white lies are necessary to get along with people but I don't like saying things which I don't believe you be true and I feel like I am disrespecting people when I do as though I'm patronising them and implicitly saying that they couldn't handle what I think the truth is. This makes me feel really insincere when I am talking to the point that I hate having these interactions if they are not necessary. I think the issue is that I value honestly way more than them and they value just getting along so we can't both stick to our values and be real with each other without some degree of conflict.
Any advice on how not to upset people while maintaining some level of sincerity and things which I value?

 

[Raggamuffin]

In many ways, I think a lot of people mask their true opinions to keep things ticking along smoothly. If everyone said what they thought at all times - I'm not sure if the world would be in a better or worse state.

I prefer silence over small talk. I do my best to associate with people who make me feel comfortable, rather than feel the need to mask more, or who bore me and make me feel uncomfortable in what they do or say.

Of course, we can't always be around people who's company we enjoy. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself thinking that you're being disingenuous. Social masks and etiquette prevent a lot of truths being told in society - both NT's and ND's alike.

Only a few people really see my true colours. I know my opinions and sense of humour can leave an atmosphere with those who don't appreciate it. But the older I get, the quicker it is to pick up who is on my vibe, and who is just another face to add to the collection of people I will mask around.

To keep the peace I find I became quite adept at mimicking behaviours, tone, body language of others. Just another means of masking and camouflaging to fit in. At the end of the day, I don't think people like friction. So if other's feel at home in your presence - that's got to count for something?

Personally, I get the feeling most people enjoy my company a lot more than I enjoy theirs. Which sounds very conceited, but I think it's more to do with how I can find socialising draining. At the same time - avoiding small talk at all costs means that I probably chat to people in a more sincere way, even if I'm masking a lot of my foibles in order to not be branded a weirdo.

Still, everyone who's ever dated me, and all my close friends call me a weird. But that's because I drop the mask, and they see the weird, hyper and wonderful sides to the spectrum that I shy away from exposing to the general public.

Go with your intuition at the end of the day. If certain people make you feel good - invest more time there. If others make you feel uneasy - tread lightly. I tend to pander to those who I notice have spiky energies and personalities. I take it upon myself to win over the people who have a reputation as being short tempered, angry etc. etc. In the end I seem to win them over. Happened a lot in this job and my previous transport jobs. A lot of older engineers can be very cantankerous. Long hours, working out in all weathers, their bodies aching all the time. Overworked and underpaid. I get along swimmingly with all the engineers who everyone else seems to lose patience with.

Ed

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I think this topic depends upon one's context and perspective. When working with the public, regardless of what my inner thoughts are, I make an attempt to simply be polite, respectful, interested, and responsive to other's concerns. I don't think it is that difficult. When dealing with people on a personal level, like friends, family, and co-workers, I tend to be more myself, but I've rarely had to "fake" who I am at my core. However, having said that, a lot of mental energy goes into creating a mood of pleasantry while maintaining emotional neutrality, regardless of the topic and other's opinions. I try not to express a strong opinion on anything while listening to theirs, and without coming off contradictory and argumentative,...which takes a bit of mental energy because, everyone is influenced by their personal life experience,...which is unique to the individual. There are repeatable truths,...but again, even within science, those truths require context and perspective,...that's why there are statistics. The more knowledge of a topic one has, the more one is aware of exceptions, context, and perspective,...and the more one is open to discussing things without being argumentative.

You don't have to come off as "insincere" when your opinion conflicts with another's when you are aware of why everyone has their unique "personal truths". As said above, most people want to be treated with a combination of politeness, respect, interest, and responsiveness to their concerns.

 

[Hypnalis]

You shouldn't view interactions with other people as a platform to explain "the truth as you see it".
Exchanges of facts are important in some contexts, but casual social contacts aren't one of them.

One way to look at them is as a kind of negotiation. You're working together to find topics that are interesting to both parties, and to exclude topics that might offend the other.

There's no need to sacrifice your integrity in the process.

You will, of course, meet people you don't want real personal contact with, but that's ok. It's not reasonable to expect you'll get on well with 100% of humanity - nobody else does.

It takes a while to learn how to do this, but it's something that can be learned and practiced.

 

[Ban]

In many ways, I think a lot of people mask their true opinions to keep things ticking along smoothly. If everyone said what they thought at all times - I'm not sure if the world would be in a better or worse state.

I prefer silence over small talk. I do my best to associate with people who make me feel comfortable, rather than feel the need to mask more, or who bore me and make me feel uncomfortable in what they do or say.

Of course, we can't always be around people who's company we enjoy. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself thinking that you're being disingenuous. Social masks and etiquette prevent a lot of truths being told in society - both NT's and ND's alike.

Only a few people really see my true colours. I know my opinions and sense of humour can leave an atmosphere with those who don't appreciate it. But the older I get, the quicker it is to pick up who is on my vibe, and who is just another face to add to the collection of people I will mask around.

To keep the peace I find I became quite adept at mimicking behaviours, tone, body language of others. Just another means of masking and camouflaging to fit in. At the end of the day, I don't think people like friction. So if other's feel at home in your presence - that's got to count for something?

Personally, I get the feeling most people enjoy my company a lot more than I enjoy theirs. Which sounds very conceited, but I think it's more to do with how I can find socialising draining. At the same time - avoiding small talk at all costs means that I probably chat to people in a more sincere way, even if I'm masking a lot of my foibles in order to not be branded a weirdo.

Still, everyone who's ever dated me, and all my close friends call me a weird. But that's because I drop the mask, and they see the weird, hyper and wonderful sides to the spectrum that I shy away from exposing to the general public.

Go with your intuition at the end of the day. If certain people make you feel good - invest more time there. If others make you feel uneasy - tread lightly. I tend to pander to those who I notice have spiky energies and personalities. I take it upon myself to win over the people who have a reputation as being short tempered, angry etc. etc. In the end I seem to win them over. Happened a lot in this job and my previous transport jobs. A lot of older engineers can be very cantankerous. Long hours, working out in all weathers, their bodies aching all the time. Overworked and underpaid. I get along swimmingly with all the engineers who everyone else seems to lose patience with.

Ed

Perhaps I am expecting too much sincerity out of situations where it is unrealistic, maybe looking at what the situation warrants and would be expected would be useful

 

[Ban]

I think this topic depends upon one's context and perspective. When working with the public, regardless of what my inner thoughts are, I make an attempt to simply be polite, respectful, interested, and responsive to other's concerns. I don't think it is that difficult. When dealing with people on a personal level, like friends, family, and co-workers, I tend to be more myself, but I've rarely had to "fake" who I am at my core. However, having said that, a lot of mental energy goes into creating a mood of pleasantry while maintaining emotional neutrality, regardless of the topic and other's opinions. I try not to express a strong opinion on anything while listening to theirs, and without coming off contradictory and argumentative,...which takes a bit of mental energy because, everyone is influenced by their personal life experience,...which is unique to the individual. There are repeatable truths,...but again, even within science, those truths require context and perspective,...that's why there are statistics. The more knowledge of a topic one has, the more one is aware of exceptions, context, and perspective,...and the more one is open to discussing things without being argumentative.

You don't have to come off as "insincere" when your opinion conflicts with another's when you are aware of why everyone has their unique "personal truths". As said above, most people want to be treated with a combination of politeness, respect, interest, and responsiveness to their concerns.

I think this topic depends upon one's context and perspective. When working with the public, regardless of what my inner thoughts are, I make an attempt to simply be polite, respectful, interested, and responsive to other's concerns. I don't think it is that difficult. When dealing with people on a personal level, like friends, family, and co-workers, I tend to be more myself, but I've rarely had to "fake" who I am at my core. However, having said that, a lot of mental energy goes into creating a mood of pleasantry while maintaining emotional neutrality, regardless of the topic and other's opinions. I try not to express a strong opinion on anything while listening to theirs, and without coming off contradictory and argumentative,...which takes a bit of mental energy because, everyone is influenced by their personal life experience,...which is unique to the individual. There are repeatable truths,...but again, even within science, those truths require context and perspective,...that's why there are statistics. The more knowledge of a topic one has, the more one is aware of exceptions, context, and perspective,...and the more one is open to discussing things without being argumentative.

You don't have to come off as "insincere" when your opinion conflicts with another's when you are aware of why everyone has their unique "personal truths". As said above, most people want to be treated with a combination of politeness, respect, interest, and responsiveness to their concerns.

Would you say in a general day to day conversation there is space to disagree with something someone says and then discuss the point or is the understanding that you would just listen or agree with the person?

 

[Raggamuffin]

I feel that a lot of people stick to small talk. Genuine, in depth conversations can be lacking in day to day life - unless you're around like-minded people, friends, or more intellectual types.

As you say, it's good to see what the situation warrants. That way we avoid social faux pas.

Ed

 

[Ban]

You shouldn't view interactions with other people as a platform to explain "the truth as you see it".
Exchanges of facts are important in some contexts, but casual social contacts aren't one of them.

One way to look at them is as a kind of negotiation. You're working together to find topics that are interesting to both parties, and to exclude topics that might offend the other.

There's no need to sacrifice your integrity in the process.

You will, of course, meet people you don't want real personal contact with, but that's ok. It's not reasonable to expect you'll get on well with 100% of humanity - nobody else does.

It takes a while to learn how to do this, but it's something that can be learned and practiced.

You have certainly described how I am going into conversations so maybe this is the issue but can you elaborate more on what you are supposed to do other than exchange facts? I understand finding a topic that you are both interested in but once you you find something you both want to talk about I feel like I want to compare on contrast opinions which I think its often too much for what the level of conversation warrants so what is it you do instead?

 

[Ban]

I can see the common theme in the responses is that day to day interactions in public aren't really the place for what I'm looking for. I think part of the issue I have is I actually feel bad when I play along because it feels like I'm just telling people what they want to hear in a manipulative way to keep them happy.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Would you say in a general day to day conversation there is space to disagree with something someone says and then discuss the point or is the understanding that you would just listen or agree with the person?

Depends on who it is. You can listen to people without necessarily discussing the topic or agreeing with them. We do this all the time at the hospital. People will frequently have their "cause and effect" confused. Association and coincidence is not cause,...but in their mind, it is. Furthermore, there is stress and emotion to deal with,...so sometimes having a logical discussion is impossible. We often politely listen,...never bring up the "thinking errors",...but may sometimes give them the scientific statistics and/or standards of practice that help guide our decisions.

In summary, you don't have to agree with the other person, or even discuss your opinion in order to allow the other person to say what they want to say. It's when you start throwing in your "2 cents" that some people can get argumentative, agitated, defensive, and the conversation and their opinion of you fails. In effect, this keeps the conversation topic limited to their thoughts, but allows you to perhaps redirect the topic towards something else, or you can find a way out and leave the discussion.

 

[Ban]

Depends on who it is. You can listen to people without necessarily discussing the topic or agreeing with them. We do this all the time at the hospital. People will frequently have their "cause and effect" confused. Association and coincidence is not cause,...but in their mind, it is. Furthermore, there is stress and emotion to deal with,...so sometimes having a logical discussion is impossible. We often politely listen,...never bring up the "thinking errors",...but may sometimes give them the scientific statistics and/or standards of practice that help guide our decisions.

In summary, you don't have to agree with the other person, or even discuss your opinion in order to allow the other person to say what they want to say. It's when you start throwing in your "2 cents" that some people can get argumentative, agitated, defensive, and the conversation and their opinion of you fails. In effect, this keeps the conversation topic limited to their thoughts, but allows you to perhaps redirect the topic towards something else, or you can find a way out and leave the discussion.

I definitely do like to put my opinion into the mix, it feels wrong to me to withhold it but maybe I'm going of the incorrect assumption that it has been tacitly asked for by them talking to me in first place.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I definitely do like to put my opinion into the mix, it feels wrong to me to withhold it but maybe I'm going of the incorrect assumption that it has been tacitly asked for by them talking to me in first place.

In some cases, yes,...you are correct in the sense that some people just like to vent their thoughts and concerns,...but are not asking for your opinion or want you to "fix" anything. Some people, in some situations, just want the respect and patience of someone just listening to them. Within this context, the other person is in an emotionally fragile state,...scared, stressed,...whatever,...the amygdala is in an excited state and their logic centers are turned off. The last thing you want to do is start talking "facts" and "truth". Just shut up and listen.

When you are interacting in a situation where people are having a logical discussion,...then talk facts, statistical analysis, perspective, context,...I love those conversations. When you are interacting in a situation where someone is clearly expressing their personal opinion, based upon their anecdotal life experience, and in an emotional state,...you got to let them vent and just shut up.

 

[Jordy]

If it's genuine it's not masking, i genuinely don't see the point in 80% conversation that nt have, small talk is always masking, asking people questions i don't care about is masking, greeting someone when i don't care about greeting people is masking.

 

[Ban]

In some cases, yes,...you are correct in the sense that some people just like to vent their thoughts and concerns,...but are not asking for your opinion or want you to "fix" anything. Some people, in some situations, just want the respect and patience of someone just listening to them. Within this context, the other person is in an emotionally fragile state,...scared, stressed,...whatever,...the amygdala is in an excited state and their logic centers are turned off. The last thing you want to do is start talking "facts" and "truth". Just shut up and listen.

When you are interacting in a situation where people are having a logical discussion,...then talk facts, statistical analysis, perspective, context,...I love those conversations. When you are interacting in a situation where someone is clearly expressing their personal opinion, based upon their anecdotal life experience, and in an emotional state,...you got to let them vent and just shut up.

I don't think I have fully seen that distinction before, thanks for explaining that!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When you are interacting in a situation where people are having a logical discussion,...then talk facts, statistical analysis, perspective, context,...I love those conversations.

So do I. While I communicate with kindness and respect in most situations I am aware that people generally associate with those of the same socioeconomic group. Some of my friends grew up with economic advantage and others have had to work for it. Growing up in the lower working class, I will not remain silent when I hear victim blaming, and whether it is economic abuse or corporate American Healthcare, I will, firmly but politely, present evidence of their bias, hoping to educate them. Problem is, we are living in a target rich environment and I need to reign myself in.

 

[Ban]

If it's genuine it's not masking, i genuinely don't see the point in 80% conversation that nt have, small talk is always masking, asking people questions i don't care about is masking, greeting someone when i don't care about greeting people is masking.

How do you feel when you do those things? It makes me feel really fake.

 

[Gracey]

Some people don't need to know the correct facts or indeed more knowledge at a higher level,
What they'll be offering is their perspective (for the most part) and unless specifically asked for my thoughts on the matter I try to avoid giving my own opinion, generally, to clients, most colleagues and the general public where social niceties and 'playing the game' are more meaningful than facts.

With family and those that 'know' me I can relax and go for it.

By trial & error and baptisms of fire you'll find your groove and stick to it. You'll find people who 'get you' and get a feel for those that don't.

Until then, I can only suggest to practise listening more than speaking and remember that not everyone you interact with has your thirst for knowledge and facts.

 

[Jordy]

How do you feel when you do those things? It makes me feel really fake.

It does make you feel fake, but there is no way around, if you don't do the fake stuff you will be punished in different ways, thats why autism is just suffering and nothing else, no solution and no release.

 

[Ban]

Some people don't need to know the correct facts or indeed more knowledge at a higher level,
What they'll be offering is their perspective (for the most part) and unless specifically asked for my thoughts on the matter I try to avoid giving my own opinion, generally, to clients, most colleagues and the general public where social niceties and 'playing the game' are more meaningful than facts.

With family and those that 'know' me I can relax and go for it.

By trial & error and baptisms of fire you'll find your groove and stick to it. You'll find people who 'get you' and get a feel for those that don't.

Until then, I can only suggest to practise listening more than speaking and remember that not everyone you interact with has your thirst for knowledge and facts.

Yeah I think I really struggle to see what there is other than facts, I think listening is definitely a safe bet to start with as you said. What would you say it is that people are wanting out of the interaction though if they aren't that interested in sharing knowledge and facts. So I get that people like to be listened to but after I've been listening to them what should I be bringing to the conversation?

 

[Ban]

It does make you feel fake, but there is no way around, if you don't do the fake stuff you will be punished in different ways, thats why autism is just suffering and nothing else, no solution and no release.

I feel you, that lose-lose situation again eh