So in an attempt to unpack my social aversion and figure out how now to go out in the world, knowing I'm an Autistic person, I wanted to air out my thoughts on this topic and hopefully, glean some diverse thoughts and opinions on the matter.
I've come to the realisation that everybody masks, for the most part, autists and non autists, that is just How Society Functions.
The problem, as I see it, is that it just tends to take an enormous, unsustainable, toll on many of us spectrumites.Add to that the fact that for some of us, the capacity to mask is itself compromised due to our more monotropic brains and sensory issues.
Before I realised my autism I heavily masked and hid as much as I could. I was also in an abuse relationship and allegedly I masked that really well too, as after I, finally, left, I had someone come up to me and say "We never knew". It was narcissistic abuse and not physical in the way most people think of abuse relationships, it was more subtle, underhand but devastating on my health and sense of self and sanity.
So I entered severe breakdown/burnout mode which galvanised my exit of that situation. I was still unaware of my autism at this point, still heavily masking, still trying to "keep up" with the allistic folk, still thinking I'm just really defective.
Fast forward years later and a new relationship with a fellow autist and finally, I wasn't in such desperate survival mode, I'm on disability support and I've been in trauma treatment for years BUT I have no desire to make and keep friendships or really to work outside of the home, I'm struggling with executive function and my "special interests" consume my attention, and I realise I am sooooo socially burnt out and I am too run down and exhausted in the brain to mask the way I tried so hard to, in my 20s and 30s and even early 40s.
I'm trying to figure out a compromise with masking so I can re enter society and I'm wondering what are other autistic people's thoughts on this matter?
The line of work I am considering, apart from writing, art and publishing some of my work, is around advocacy and peer work, as I am passionate about autism education and I'm trained in the mental health peer support field. I'm thinking this is an appropriate compromise between the necessary masking and being my authentic autistic self.
I now take great comfort in some ever more obvious stimming in public, the last couple of times I was out I rocked and it was soooo soothing. Prior to that I have been small stimming, stroking my arms and fingers, foot and toe movements. I've always hid the big stuff like jumping up and down, slapping myself on the thighs, but I, even back when I tried to "be NT" I danced a lot, and sang a lot and I'm pretty sure I dance very autistically, as my daughter got very embarrassed by me, growing up, and my now partner seems pretty embarrassed by my dancing but some people really like it and tell me so.
I'm able to "be myself", for the most part, with my Aspie guy friend, which, to me, feels like a life line, a metaphorical drink of fresh cool water in the desert.
Parenting, I've been trying so hard for so long that I think I'm pretty good at it, but some of my kid's, I think, struggle with me being an autist, and some are fine with it.
So, any reflections on the matter? How do you compromise, knowing you are a spectrumite? Or do you resign yourself to fully masking and just deal with the burn out as it happens? Is there ways you have found to avoid burn out and horrible brain fry from being out in the world?
Being a musician was great, I see musical instruments almost as just elaborate stimming tools but I'm no longer in that field. And I don't get to dance much anymore. Although I'd like to get back to both, just need more wellness at this point.
I've come to the realisation that everybody masks, for the most part, autists and non autists, that is just How Society Functions.
The problem, as I see it, is that it just tends to take an enormous, unsustainable, toll on many of us spectrumites.Add to that the fact that for some of us, the capacity to mask is itself compromised due to our more monotropic brains and sensory issues.
Before I realised my autism I heavily masked and hid as much as I could. I was also in an abuse relationship and allegedly I masked that really well too, as after I, finally, left, I had someone come up to me and say "We never knew". It was narcissistic abuse and not physical in the way most people think of abuse relationships, it was more subtle, underhand but devastating on my health and sense of self and sanity.
So I entered severe breakdown/burnout mode which galvanised my exit of that situation. I was still unaware of my autism at this point, still heavily masking, still trying to "keep up" with the allistic folk, still thinking I'm just really defective.
Fast forward years later and a new relationship with a fellow autist and finally, I wasn't in such desperate survival mode, I'm on disability support and I've been in trauma treatment for years BUT I have no desire to make and keep friendships or really to work outside of the home, I'm struggling with executive function and my "special interests" consume my attention, and I realise I am sooooo socially burnt out and I am too run down and exhausted in the brain to mask the way I tried so hard to, in my 20s and 30s and even early 40s.
I'm trying to figure out a compromise with masking so I can re enter society and I'm wondering what are other autistic people's thoughts on this matter?
The line of work I am considering, apart from writing, art and publishing some of my work, is around advocacy and peer work, as I am passionate about autism education and I'm trained in the mental health peer support field. I'm thinking this is an appropriate compromise between the necessary masking and being my authentic autistic self.
I now take great comfort in some ever more obvious stimming in public, the last couple of times I was out I rocked and it was soooo soothing. Prior to that I have been small stimming, stroking my arms and fingers, foot and toe movements. I've always hid the big stuff like jumping up and down, slapping myself on the thighs, but I, even back when I tried to "be NT" I danced a lot, and sang a lot and I'm pretty sure I dance very autistically, as my daughter got very embarrassed by me, growing up, and my now partner seems pretty embarrassed by my dancing but some people really like it and tell me so.
I'm able to "be myself", for the most part, with my Aspie guy friend, which, to me, feels like a life line, a metaphorical drink of fresh cool water in the desert.
Parenting, I've been trying so hard for so long that I think I'm pretty good at it, but some of my kid's, I think, struggle with me being an autist, and some are fine with it.
So, any reflections on the matter? How do you compromise, knowing you are a spectrumite? Or do you resign yourself to fully masking and just deal with the burn out as it happens? Is there ways you have found to avoid burn out and horrible brain fry from being out in the world?
Being a musician was great, I see musical instruments almost as just elaborate stimming tools but I'm no longer in that field. And I don't get to dance much anymore. Although I'd like to get back to both, just need more wellness at this point.
