Honestly, I'm finding Asperger's resources to be largely skewed TOWARD women. I'd like to read anything related to male Aspies. Best I've been able to find is this from Rudy Simone:
I think this hits it dead on the head.
I agree with Progster. Female aspies may be better at "passing" due to social performance skills. And there may be less tolerance given to female aspies because women are expected to be social caretakers. The quiet lone independent man can be seen (at least in the U.S.) as a sort of mysterious respected strong person (think of the cowboy). A less-social female loner is often viewed as a pitiful social reject. And then there's the numbers thing. I am finding it hard to find other ASD women in my community to talk with. It's lonely.
I feel so validated by this well said comment, thank you for that. I currently don't have a very strong support system in my life and I'm new to this site, so the level of understanding I've come across in the small amount of threads I've read so far is overwhelming.
I can't answer all the others, but this question I will have a shot at. My personal observations about being a female on the spectrum, have been that 99% of the time I am disbelieved when I say that I have Asperger's. Or people try to say things like, "OH, I get that way too," when I describe sensory issue or intolerance of prolonged social interactions. I have acted for so long, that now people have a hard time seeing how hard it is for me.
Personal stories; one was that I was temporarily seeing a counselor at the county crisis office (it was free so I decided to try it) and the counselor, an otherwise personable young woman kept doubting that I was on the spectrum. I finally told her that I would be in to see her once more, but that I wouldn't be coming back because I was tired of countering her doubts instead of receiving the support I sought. I have begun to brace myself for the inevitable doubting, and been practicing saying, "It's not up for debate."
I can relate. I've wondered if my timing could be better when informing someone that I have AS, but as I've tried different approaches, nothing seems to help. I've tried disclaiming it before any misunderstandings happen, hoping it would lessen the chance of coming across poorly but all that seems to do is alienate people. I become an unsolvable mystery, placed in the 'unknown' category, which is generally something people fear. Since I've mentioned it at the beginning, they don't know of any redeeming qualities yet that I may have, and now that they're aware that I'm helplessly abnormal, they don't care to stick around and find them.
My mostly NT older sister told me, "Don't start off telling people you're autistic; there's just nowhere to go from there," and that's what drew my focus to timing in the first place. If I wait until after a misunderstanding happens, hoping to clear it up somewhat, it just seems to be an additional trait they add to the one that they've concluded caused the fallout I'm attempting to resolve and it's a death sentence to the formerly budding relationship.
I'm finding that there are so many different factors involved in developing friendships that as much of it is up to chance and circumstance as it is up to the moves we make, sometimes even more. We have to first meet someone who either understands autism well enough to not be uncomfortable with not knowing about it, or who doesn't mind not knowing long enough to learn, the latter of which can be influenced by how things played out in the relationship so far. For example, if interactions led to the expression of some of your more endearing qualities that would be incentive for someone to want to find out more about you as a person, which would include learning about AS.
It isn't always in out power to prevent a misunderstanding from happening before our more desirable qualities are revealed and even less so the more socially inept one is, so I often feel at the mercy of the wind. It can be terrifying, frustrating, hopeless, chaotic, isolating and just miserable in general among numerous other things, so I have to find consistent stability (something Aspies tend to have a more intense need for) somewhere else. I am not in control of how people react to me, but I am in control of how I respond to those reactions. As long as I focus on what I can control, which is what I believe and how I conduct myself, I don't lose control and get frantic. I suppose this could be considered one of those practical obsessions mentioned in AsheSkyler's post.
I get the exact same reaction ie oh I am like that but lol I am not autistic and I think: I guess you are just not aware of how flipping dismissive you sound, but of course, never say so!
Bravo for standing up to this therapist!
Sometimes announcing you're on the spectrum is interpreted as asking for special treatment and most people are resistant to exerting the extra effort this requires unless it benefits them amply. So that response likely was intended to be dismissive - not to your identity or struggle, but moreso to the perceived request.
I've had checkered diagnoses as well. I'm 35 and still don't have an official diagnosis as a result. Getting a diagnosis and disability income would significantly help me function well enough to jump through the hoops required to get diagnosed. It's a catch 22 situation.
(So I may ask for pointers later on.)
