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Love is alien to me. How do I tell if I’m getting taken advantage of instead of finding a partner?

mysterionz

oh hamburgers!
V.I.P Member
Matched with a guy on Bumble. Deleted my bumble profile. Guy now has my number and wants to call me everyday because he thinks I’m cute and thinks my body and physical features are attractive. Keep in mind we met yesterday and he’s jumping into plans of irl meetups. My dad is uncomfortable with me meeting ppl I don’t know unless he has talked to them personally, which turns me off from going out with my friends. The excuse is because I rarely do so since I lack friends that are my age. He has asked for “undressing” pics (presumably just me in a bra, which I sent one time and he wants more, which I’m uncomfortable with).

Im scared that I’m gonna be forever alone and have nobody to share my life with. The only real chance I get to socialize with ppl is at work.
 

Gerontius

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Matched with a guy on Bumble. Deleted my bumble profile. Guy now has my number and wants to call me everyday because he thinks I’m cute and thinks my body and physical features are attractive. Keep in mind we met yesterday and he’s jumping into plans of irl meetups. My dad is uncomfortable with me meeting ppl I don’t know unless he has talked to them personally, which turns me off from going out with my friends. The excuse is because I rarely do so since I lack friends that are my age. He has asked for “undressing” pics (presumably just me in a bra, which I sent one time and he wants more, which I’m uncomfortable with).

Im scared that I’m gonna be forever alone and have nobody to share my life with. The only real chance I get to socialize with ppl is at work.

Personally, speaking as a man here, I wouldn't say send pictures of yourself undressing. Blackmail is a thing. That seems very odd of him to ask for, but then I'm out of touch with contemporary social mores. It does sound indecent of him, or at least immoral, to be so infatuated with someone's body that he starts making you uncomfortable. It doesn't sound healthy.

I'm not the Bumble type, OK, so caveat lector, but I do know that a lot of men prey on autistic women. Be careful. This was only a paragraph of information here I'm working with but it sounds very sketchy.
 

mysterionz

oh hamburgers!
V.I.P Member
Personally, speaking as a man here, I wouldn't say send pictures of yourself undressing. Blackmail is a thing. That seems very odd of him to ask for, but then I'm out of touch with contemporary social mores. It does sound indecent of him, or at least immoral, to be so infatuated with someone's body that he starts making you uncomfortable. It doesn't sound healthy.

I'm not the Bumble type, OK, so caveat lector, but I do know that a lot of men prey on autistic women. Be careful. This was only a paragraph of information here I'm working with but it sounds very sketchy.
The other person in question is autistic too but that doesn’t mean ND ppl are exempt from. He’s 22 and I’m 18, 19 in four months. From the relationships I’ve observed at my workplace, and my own mom, they never cross the line of overtly sexual + asking for selfies of me (I only send them when I think I look nice). Similar interests of memes/video games/south park.

id rather date a girl at this point and hope I don’t get kicked out of my house.. I’m not sending sexy pics unless it’s to my future spouse.
 
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VictorR

Random Member
V.I.P Member
1. To be honest, I'd suggest blocking the guy and ending things now. Too many red lines being crossed. Being asked for personal pics is a major red line for me - that's something to be offered to someone special, not something to be asked for, and especially not from someone you've just met.

2. How do you know they're autistic? As @Gerontius noted, autistic women are especially vunerable. Maybe they're aware of that and are posing?

3. Even if they are autistic, let's recall that many autistic people struggle with social skills. It could well be possible that they're not truly a jerk but got some bad advice somewhere and don't know any better. In which case move on because you're not there to be their mom and train them.
 

Birdsintheory

New Member
I would caution against interacting with this person as it seems they might be taking advantage of you. They seem to be asking a lot from you in a very short amount of time and are focused on your physical traits and pressured you into sexual favors. It takes weeks, months, even years to get to know someone, if he was truly interested in the real you he can wait and respect your boundaries. You don’t have to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with, even if it makes the other person upset. Don’t compromise your privacy, comfort, boundaries, or needs for anyone. I am also weary about him being 22 and you being 18. As someone in their mid-twenties, there is a stark difference in stage of life between a 22 year old and a teenager. For example, your dad seems to have significant influence over your daily life. A 22 year old could have been living outside of their parent’s place for 4+ years.

I understand that you want to be loved and have someone to share your life with, it’s a human need after all. This world can be very isolating especially for people deemed “different”. I promise you, there are many ways to meet and get to know people, even if you don’t know about them yet. There are plenty of people out there who would truly understand you and love you genuinely. It sucks, but it takes time to find and develop those relationships. I commend you for reaching out and wish you the best!
 

mysterionz

oh hamburgers!
V.I.P Member
Even if they are autistic, let's recall that many autistic people struggle with social skills. It could well be possible that they're not truly a jerk but got some bad advice somewhere and don't know any better. In which case move on because you're not there to be their mom and train them.
Definitely leaning towards this one.. and I’m getting mixed signals too.
 

Gerontius

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The other person in question is autistic too but that doesn’t mean ND ppl are exempt from. He’s 22 and I’m 18, 19 in four months. From the relationships I’ve observed at my workplace, and my own mom, they never cross the line of overtly sexual + asking for selfies of me (I only send them when I think I look nice). Similar interests of memes/video games/south park.

id rather date a girl at this point and hope I don’t get kicked out of my house.. I’m not sending sexy pics unless it’s to my future spouse.

I got sent some mildly naughty pictures when my girlfriend wanted to reassure herself I wouldn't be upset about the way she looked if I married her. She was wrapped up in a towel or something, with the bed sheet pulled all the way up over her bosom, showing off her face (which I've seen a lot of) and a large expanse of bare shoulders (which don't usually get much sun.)

Wasn't really sure what to do with them. It's like getting a post card without context. Nice view, but no explanation.

"--that's nice dear. OK, so this is a fair trade--"
I took a picture of myself pulling a deadpan expression Buster Keaton would have envied, and wearing my usual lingerie--a pair of striped pyjamas which would look like an Auschwitz uniform if they had a number stencilled on.

Funny! she hasn't sent me anything naughty since, and I don't think I'll be seeing that again unless I married the girl.

All funnies aside, she is autistic & has a rather high libido. I think she would easily end up hurting herself if she was to be around someone manipulative. I do not think she would be able to keep herself from getting hurt, because she wanted validation & support more than anything else. Hence her decision to take & send a few photos of herself trying to get ready for sleep. Validation & support are concepts that aren't entering into The Current Guy's head if he is pressuring you for pictures like this. Like I've said earlier, that seems like he's not a very nice guy. I'd have already blocked him by now if I was you.
 

Slime_Punk

Contaminating the hive mind
V.I.P Member
It really all depends on whether you're cool with what's going on or not. Different relationships have different dynamics, so it's really your call at the end of the day how you'd like to be treated. Some people accept (and deliver) a completely different level of respect than I do, but if everyone's an adult, it's kind of fair game.
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
If a guy asked me for a pic of me in my bra (which some guys have) I would block him. That's too intrusive and a bit creepy. Especially if you've only known him for a short time.
As others have pointed out, how do you know what he is or isn't going to do with those pictures if he has them?

I wouldn't date someone online unless I had been friends with them for a long, long time beforehand. I don't even consider myself "close friends" with anyone I meet online until there has been a lot of interaction.
I have met some of my closest friends on this forum though, so I'm not saying you can't become good friends with people you meet on the Internet! Just be careful and make sure you really do know them well before deciding to go on a date or anything in person.

If you are going to go on a date with this guy (or anyone else you meet on a dating app) in person, make sure you take some safety precautions... tell someone (preferably a friend or family member) where you're going and what time you're supposed to be coming back, so they can go looking for you or come pick you up in case they don't hear from you at a reasonable time. Make sure you have a photo ID on you too, and a medical ID or medical bracelet if you have one. I always have mine.
You might want to have a "code" word or message that you can text to a friend so they can come pick you up if you feel unsafe, so the guy doesn't know you're trying to get out of it... when I was in some situations with guys that made me uncomfortable, I would text my mom and say "How is Grandma doing?" so she would call me and make the excuse that I needed to come home and help my grandma, so she would come pick me up and get me out of there.
My irl best friend is very protective of me and can be intimidating, and he has bailed me out of some sketchy situations with men!

I think I would rather date a girl too, to be honest. I have never dated before but I've had no luck with men so far. My personality would definitely be better suited to a more feminine and emotionally affectionate partner.
I think the reason I convinced myself that I was straight was that it was what was expected of me growing up. I'm a grown woman and I don't have to date men if it doesn't feel comfortable!
I'm also asexual... so a guy (or anyone, really) propositioning me for sex or nude pics is a red flag for me regardless...

I'm not giving you any of this advice to scare you, I just think it's so unsafe for women and for LGBTQ+ people and autistic people especially out there in the world, I want you to be out of harm's way, so I'm giving you the advice to be cautious, and please don't be afraid to ask for help!
 

Outdated

I'm from the other end of the spectrum.
V.I.P Member
You need to think of a hobby or interest that can get you out to meet people. It's much more difficult for them to hide their nature in real life, this is why all the creeps hang out in chat rooms and dating sites. There's another aspect to the physical social environment too, if a bloke is a creep most other women will warn you about him.

Many years ago I had an apprentice that met a girl on a chat line, I was convinced it was a bad idea. I told him that if he wanted to meet women he should go to the pub, he retaliated with "I'm only 16 you know.". I didn't tell him that never held me back.

It got to the day when he was going to meet Michelle. I told him Michelle would turn out to be 47 years old and wearing leather and a handlebar moustache. Because of this he didn't go in to the cafe but sat on a bench across the road and watched, a little while later a 16 year old girl came and sat on the bench next to him, this was Michelle, she was doing the same as him and being cautious.

It was a bit bitter sweet for poor Brendan though, Michelle was gay. The only reason she was meeting a boy on a chat line was because her parents forced her to, they threatened her that if she didn't start dating boys they'd talk to their church about conversion therapy.

So Brendan pretended to be her boyfriend and as a reward she introduced him to a lot of other girls.
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
You need to think of a hobby or interest that can get you out to meet people. It's much more difficult for them to hide their nature in real life, this is why all the creeps hang out in chat rooms and dating sites. There's another aspect to the physical social environment too, if a bloke is a creep most other women will warn you about him.

Many years ago I had an apprentice that met a girl on a chat line, I was convinced it was a bad idea. I told him that if he wanted to meet women he should go to the pub, he retaliated with "I'm only 16 you know.". I didn't tell him that never held me back.

It got to the day when he was going to meet Michelle. I told him Michelle would turn out to be 47 years old and wearing leather and a handlebar moustache. Because of this he didn't go in to the cafe but sat on a bench across the road and watched, a little while later a 16 year old girl came and sat on the bench next to him, this was Michelle, she was doing the same as him and being cautious.

It was a bit bitter sweet for poor Brendan though, Michelle was gay. The only reason she was meeting a boy on a chat line was because her parents forced her to, they threatened her that if she didn't start dating boys they'd talk to their church about conversion therapy.

So Brendan pretended to be her boyfriend and as a reward she introduced him to a lot of other girls.

That's so nice that Brendan did that for Michelle, and that she helped him in return! :)
I have unfortunately had some personal experience with conversion therapy... which is another reason I wasn't open about my sexuality but more importantly my gender identity as a kid...

I think I would've been a lot more comfortable with my sexuality when I was younger if another kid had just... talked to me about it. And made me feel accepted. Instead, I was bullied for being a "tomboy" and having "boy" interests like soccer and cars and dog training and the outdoors. When I was very young it made me feel like I had to be defiant and be like "No, I like boys, and I like wearing frilly pink dresses!" And then when I got a bit older I was punished for not identifying as a feminine girl... it led to me completely abandoning the Christian faith, until I found a Unitarian Universalist church a number of years ago...
I was in the closet about my gender identity for a long time too, with me eventually coming to the conclusion (recently) that my gender identity is "fluid..." sometimes I'm more one or the other, and sometimes I feel like both...

I do have a handful of dresses, but only for going out. You will never catch me dead in a "frilly" pink dress, unless it's a unicorn dress ;)
mpsjgq1663745208023.jpg
If I ever get married, I want this to be my wedding dress lol


...

Back to the original topic, sorry for another derailment, I just felt like that was important for me to say. You never know, it might help some young people on here who are questioning their identity too :)
 

mysterionz

oh hamburgers!
V.I.P Member
I was in the closet about my gender identity for a long time too, with me eventually coming to the conclusion (recently) that my gender identity is "fluid..." sometimes I'm more one or the other, and sometimes I feel like both...
this is me 100%. Can confirm as a nonconforming individual.

also I’m gonna draw a character in the wedding dress later, may help lift my art block
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
this is me 100%. Can confirm as a nonconforming individual.

also I’m gonna draw a character in the wedding dress later, may help lift my art block
I’m glad I’m not the only one :)

That would be so awesome!!! Go for it!
 

Mr. Stevens

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Matched with a guy on Bumble. Deleted my bumble profile. Guy now has my number and wants to call me everyday because he thinks I’m cute and thinks my body and physical features are attractive. Keep in mind we met yesterday and he’s jumping into plans of irl meetups. My dad is uncomfortable with me meeting ppl I don’t know unless he has talked to them personally, which turns me off from going out with my friends. The excuse is because I rarely do so since I lack friends that are my age. He has asked for “undressing” pics (presumably just me in a bra, which I sent one time and he wants more, which I’m uncomfortable with).

Im scared that I’m gonna be forever alone and have nobody to share my life with. The only real chance I get to socialize with ppl is at work.
I'd echo others by saying the picture request is a red flag. If the person is really interested in you, they wouldn't ask for that stuff until significant trust is established. I think they'd also let you keep/control the pictures, in case things don't work out.

Meeting in real life is a little trickier. Some people like meeting soon because the internet is artificial, and doesn't necessarily reflect a real connection. They see dating apps as a way to find someone, but don't want to connect online. I think that makes sense. But, other people may not be as trusting and want to get to know someone a little before meeting in real life, which is equally valid. Maybe it's best to keep your dad informed and listen to your feelings. With the guy you mentioned, a lot of things are bothering you, and he sounds pretty untrustworthy.

Your fears of being alone are also very understandable, but be careful. You are young and have plenty of time to meet someone. I'm about 20 years older than you, and in my experience, feeling alone with someone is much, much worse than being alone. You can lose a lot in the wrong relationship, and do so very quickly. For example, having to move and/or find new work because you committed to the wrong person.

Are you and your dad comfortable with Meetup groups? I used to be in some walking groups because I wanted to meet people without expectations, and knew I'd at least like walking if nothing else came of it. It was so much more enjoyable and sane than online dating, for me. I didn't meet too many people my age, so no dates came of it. But, I met a lot of great people, and I'm still friends with two older women who are some of the nicest people I've ever met. Great supports and role models. Maybe you'd like that.

Good luck and sorry you're having a bad experience. I hope you meet some better people.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
He has asked for “undressing” pics (presumably just me in a bra, which I sent one time and he wants more, which I’m uncomfortable with).

I don't think a decent guy would ask for that right after you met him, or at all. You should ask yourself, what type of person does that? Would you do that? And one important thing, if you tell him sending pictures makes you uncomfortable and he still hounds you about it and wants you to send pictures, run away. That's a big red flag. Because then he doesn't care how you feel, he has no problem with making you feel uncomfortable.
 
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Mr. Stevens

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I don't think a decent guy would ask for that right after you met him, or at all. You should ask yourself, what type of person does that? Would you do that? And one important thing, if you tell him sending pictures makes you uncomfortable and he still hounds you about it and wants you to send pictures, run away. That's a big red flag. Because then he doesn't care how you feel, he has no problem with making you feel uncomfortable.
Yes! How they feel about your boundaries will tell you so much about someone else, and whether they're worth your time. People who pressure you to ignore boundaries right away will probably just do more and more of that over time.
 

Owliet

The Hidden One.
V.I.P Member
Matched with a guy on Bumble. Deleted my bumble profile. Guy now has my number and wants to call me everyday because he thinks I’m cute and thinks my body and physical features are attractive. Keep in mind we met yesterday and he’s jumping into plans of irl meetups. My dad is uncomfortable with me meeting ppl I don’t know unless he has talked to them personally, which turns me off from going out with my friends. The excuse is because I rarely do so since I lack friends that are my age. He has asked for “undressing” pics (presumably just me in a bra, which I sent one time and he wants more, which I’m uncomfortable with).

Im scared that I’m gonna be forever alone and have nobody to share my life with. The only real chance I get to socialize with ppl is at work.
Never used Bumble myself but, I don’t know if you are meeting someone who wants to call you everyday only because he thinks you’re cute and body etc is cute, I don’t know…bit of a flag there especially only after meeting yesterday. I guess, if your dad is uncomfortable with you meeting people unless he personally checks them, i can see it on both sides — i know that it is frustrating and you should be allowed to make your own decisions and mistakes…but if your dad is doing this to protect you from creeps like this, then yes, probably understandable. If this guy on bumble is asking for you “undressing”or nudes, then really…after one day? It’s kind of like sending intimate body part pictures as an opening communication.

You’re not going to be alone but unfortuantely, you are going to have to be careful about which guys you interact with. Unfortunately, as women on the spectrum we are just as vulnerable and some people do take advantage of that — even if we just want to be friends only. Be careful. Take steps to keep yourself safe.Especially if you do go on a first date — always meet in public in the day time.


The other person in question is autistic too but that doesn’t mean ND ppl are exempt from. He’s 22 and I’m 18, 19 in four months. From the relationships I’ve observed at my workplace, and my own mom, they never cross the line of overtly sexual + asking for selfies of me (I only send them when I think I look nice). Similar interests of memes/video games/south park.

id rather date a girl at this point and hope I don’t get kicked out of my house.. I’m not sending sexy pics unless it’s to my future spouse.
ASD people are also not seperate from this behavior. Some, yes, dont know what is correct behavior in approaching and obviously that’s understandable but there are some that do know that this behavior is not acceptable and still persist. It’s difficult to call but he is still crossing your boundaries and seems to have no respect for you outside viewing you as someone for potential sex. You deserve better than that.

Women can also be as creepy as guys. I once joined a dating app that whilst I had some guys pretending to be women although not trans, just for some reason Thought identifying as a lesbian would mean they had a bigger access to potential women (with intimate body part pictures being sent), I’ve also had some women who just go “sex?” or ask for intimate pictures on the first conversation - bit rare but it does happen…I once sent one woman a picture of my cat when asked for my p””””.=D

Finding the right person is Like a minefield but it can happen.




If you are going to go on a date with this guy (or anyone else you meet on a dating app) in person, make sure you take some safety precautions... tell someone (preferably a friend or family member) where you're going and what time you're supposed to be coming back, so they can go looking for you or come pick you up in case they don't hear from you at a reasonable time. Make sure you have a photo ID on you too, and a medical ID or medical bracelet if you have one. I always have mine.
You might want to have a "code" word or message that you can text to a friend so they can come pick you up if you feel unsafe, so the guy doesn't know you're trying to get out of it... when I was in some situations with guys that made me uncomfortable, I would text my mom and say "How is Grandma doing?" so she would call me and make the excuse that I needed to come home and help my grandma, so she would come pick me up and get me out of there.


I think I would rather date a girl too, to be honest. I have never dated before but I've had no luck with men so far. My personality would definitely be better suited to a more feminine and emotionally affectionate partner.
I think the reason I convinced myself that I was straight was that it was what was expected of me growing up. I'm a grown woman and I don't have to date men if it doesn't feel comfortable!
I'm also asexual... so a guy (or anyone, really) propositioning me for sex or nude pics is a red flag for me regardless...
Very good points here — Also tell your contact safe person who you’re seeing, where you will see them and what time you expect to be back.

I think it’s one of the saddest things convincing yourself that you’re straight when you have a questioning interest In something outside the expectation. My mom is heavily homophobic and although I love my mom because she’s my mom, I cannot deny that feeling the way I felt growing up and being confused and fighting against my sexuality has also had a strong negative impact. I have not come out to my mother, and I probably wont directly, but at least she’s stopped talking about me finding a male partner…so maybe she’s finally getting it.
do have a handful of dresses, but only for going out. You will never catch me dead in a "frilly" pink dress, unless it's a unicorn dress ;)
mpsjgq1663745208023.jpg
If I ever get married, I want this to be my wedding dress lol
Nice dress. =D
this is me 100%. Can confirm as a nonconforming individual.

also I’m gonna draw a character in the wedding dress later, may help lift my art block
I dress often in dark clothing or alternative goth type clothing outside of my formal clothes for work. I also change my color hair often to bright colors and have several ear piercings. =D Embrace who you are and what you want to be.

Also do draw and post, we’d all love to see it.=D
 

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