Love, depression, suicide worry with Aspie ex

[Strong and kind]

Hi all,

I posted here some months ago when my Aspie ex, who I loved, broke up with me suddenly and then vanished for two months with zero, and I mean zero, communication.

He has now appeared again. He texted me and we met up a few days later, he happened to be in my part of the state. It was great to see him, he apologized for hurting me, which was huge to me. We had an amazing, intimate time together. Then he left again. I had no expectation that I would ever see him again, so I was happy, even though I now have no idea what this means. I don't want to put pressure on him or the situation by asking or pushing. Was this a better ending / closure or a new beginning? Should I just wait and see?

The more alarming issue though is that he expressed that he'd been very lonely and unhappy and questioned why he should go on living. He's Aspie, he means what he says, and I'm scared. I told him I am here for him, that he can call me anytime, but I really wanted to say that he needs to find a therapist and / or call a suicide hotline. Please help me figure out what I can do for him. No matter what happens to our relationship, I love him unconditionally and knowing he's in pain hurts me so much.

I am so angry with the lack of compassion and gentleness in our world, and towards those who experience life differently. I want him to know that I know he has AS and that I want to learn his language and that I love him just the way he is. I have told him once, but not flat out like: "I know you have Aspbergers and I love and care for you just the way you are."

Right now, I just need to make sure he doesn't harm himself.

Thanks in advance for your insights.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I think there's a lot question 'why'
With asd.

For me, you're likely hearing the outcome of some long logical thought process. I said to my wife a few weeks ago 'I'll look forward to the day' which shocked her. I was just sort of expressing that at some stage,whichever way the dice rolls, there will be no point in living i.e. Infirmity, madness that kind of thing.
For me, I wouldn't worry about it.
My thoughts may appear doom laden to most, for me that's just normal. Not indicative of anything.

I think him coming over may not mean anything in the way you seem to want it too.

Ask him if he wants a relationship or not.
Why should you life your life hanging around like this?

He may have asd- this does not preclude him from making an effort.
If he can apologise he can communicate more often on the level you seem to want.
Tell the guy to s*** or get off the pot.(perhaps more politely than that!)

I also wonder if he knows how to get you really worried about him. I remember your other thread and I do wonder.

Worry about yourself, a little instead.

 

[Strong and kind]

I certainly have a lot of things to do and enjoy in my life without him. You are right, I should ask him if he wants a relationship with me or not. I deserve more than he is giving me, for sure.

Are you saying he's expressing his depressive thoughts to get my attention? Well. it sure works. I lost a family member with ASD to suicide (he doesn't know this) so it triggers me very deeply.

Yeah, two months of silence and then he shows up and I take him back into my arms and then I can't get a hold of him on the phone (it's been a week tomorrow). His messages are brief and not very warm. I will ask him soon.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm going back to focusing on myself.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I certainly have a lot of things to do and enjoy in my life without him. You are right, I should ask him if he wants a relationship with me or not. I deserve more than he is giving me, for sure.

Are you saying he's expressing his depressive thoughts to get my attention? Well. it sure works. I lost a family member with ASD to suicide (he doesn't know this) so it triggers me very deeply.

Yeah, two months of silence and then he shows up and I take him back into my arms and then I can't get a hold of him on the phone (it's been a week tomorrow). His messages are brief and not very warm. I will ask him soon.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm going back to focusing on myself.

He's got a woman who loves him.

For me it would be all in 100%.
Asd people can be short of a social life, so you can't miss an opportunity like that.
It would be so intense you'd take up marathon running just to get some space

 

[Strong and kind]

That's the irony of this situation! Last time I saw him he complained about his lack of friends, how people always let him down, and how he feels taken advantage of. I know he's still sad about his ex who moved away - I think she was holding their social life together. But we started dating in December last year! She moved away two months ago (when he broke it off with me, weirdly). I think he's still grieving the loss of that relationship, somehow.

And with me, he's still one foot in, one out. Maybe the fact that we live very far apart makes him doubt that we could build on this. I'm giving him SO much, and after he let me down in a major way, I opened my arms to him once more because I'm kind and compassionate and I do love him. But right now this is driving me crazy. I don't usually talk about myself in these terms, but I'm actually not only very loving; I'm beautiful (dare I say hot), intelligent (Ivy-league grad school), a great cook, and have a creative career going. He and I have incredible physical chemistry. He makes me laugh. He doesn't seem to see what he has waiting here for him. I have this lingering suspicion that he's dating others and not telling me, because he's so secretive, but at the same time, they say Aspies never lie and I can't see him being able to play that game, honestly. The way we met was me making all the moves.

I think I'll try to reach him on the phone this week and ask him if he wants to be in my life. If he wants to have a relationship or just a friendship. If he needs more time. I just need to know.

Thank you for your feedback. It makes me feel like I don't need to beat around the bush with all this. No one likes to be pressured, me included, but I think after all these twists and turns, some clarity would be good.

 

[Alaska]

That's the irony of this situation! Last time I saw him he complained about his lack of friends, how people always let him down, and how he feels taken advantage of. I know he's still sad about his ex who moved away - I think she was holding their social life together. But we started dating in December last year! She moved away two months ago (when he broke it off with me, weirdly). I think he's still grieving the loss of that relationship, somehow.

And with me, he's still one foot in, one out. Maybe the fact that we live very far apart makes him doubt that we could build on this. I'm giving him SO much, and after he let me down in a major way, I opened my arms to him once more because I'm kind and compassionate and I do love him. But right now this is driving me crazy. I don't usually talk about myself in these terms, but I'm actually not only very loving; I'm beautiful (dare I say hot), intelligent (Ivy-league grad school), a great cook, and have a creative career going. He and I have incredible physical chemistry. He makes me laugh. He doesn't seem to see what he has waiting here for him. I have this lingering suspicion that he's dating others and not telling me, because he's so secretive, but at the same time, they say Aspies never lie and I can't see him being able to play that game, honestly. The way we met was me making all the moves.

I think I'll try to reach him on the phone this week and ask him if he wants to be in my life. If he wants to have a relationship or just a friendship. If he needs more time. I just need to know.

Thank you for your feedback. It makes me feel like I don't need to beat around the bush with all this. No one likes to be pressured, me included, but I think after all these twists and turns, some clarity would be good.

Bluntness works well with Aspies. We do it a lot and understand it better than beating around the bush. I think just coming right out with the questions you want answered is a great idea. You deserve something better than being left hanging indefinitely. Best wishes for a good outcome for you.

 

[Momo]

As Alaska said, it's best to be blunt and confront him. You seem to be considering his emotions in this equation, but you must also remember to consider yours. Would you be able to handle a relationship with so much... distance? I don't know, just wondering, it does seem that you love him very much, and one thing about love is that we seem to forget ourselves while loving. Just, take care.

 

[ovpt]

clarity is the only option. tell him how you feel but also dont pressure him into an immediate response.

everyone is different in what they need from a relationship so the hard part is figuring out if you are compatible as people do not change much and probably not at all in the core values of relationships.

 

[paloftoon]

This wishy-washyness is a sign of no commitment. Commitment probably scares him. Too bad. Tell him nicely, but bluntly that sometimes we all need to take educated risks in life -aspie or not. You'll always consider him, but you're looking for ltr with him or someone else, not something casual and open-ended. Also, you can add that you will always keep your door open, but it may keep getting harder to open and he has to be able to be very honest, open, and try to communicate well with you too.