pizzaholic
Member
Not sure where to post this and I'm not sure what I hope to get from doing so but whatever. I introduced myself on the forum a while back before I had been diagnosed but haven't posted anything since.
I was diagnosed with ASD last year. I'm in my 30s. I have a full-time job, a place to rent, and food to eat so I consider myself lucky given that 80% of those on the spectrum are unemployed (in the US). I have been able to provide for myself in recent years but had a hard time with it beforehand. Actually, I still have a hard time keeping things going but I haven't attempted suicide for a few years so it's maybe not as rough as it once was.
The problem I have today is disillusionment with my career and feeling like a fraud. I won't go into specifics about my career but I work with people and I honestly don't know what I'm doing nor do I think I'm making any difference. I don't even have an interest in other people, generally. I'm cordial but do not develop attachments, save a romantic relationship. I only contact my family out of obligation, I don't have any friends, and I don't go out of my way to meet new people unless it's work related. I don't like to play politics to get ahead (which others might call 'networking'), which we all have to do to some extent. Every day I have to feign interest in what I do and keep appearances to support myself. I'm not very competent in the social sphere and experience a lot of fear because of that fact. I do challenge myself but that doesn't change much because, well, ASD.
Faking interest and competency is about as soul draining as can be. Really, if I had a choice, I'd hermit and sit in front of a computer all day (or lose myself in my own head). Not doing any work, just playing video games. I acknowledge that realization and it scares me. I don't have a lot of hope for my future. If I quit my job, I'd be relegated to minimium wage drudge work like I used to do since I don't have the skills and qualifications to do anything else in the modern day service economy. I wouldn't qualify for SSI given my work history. Can't really survive on such a low income anyways, unless you have 0 debt and subsidized housing or other outside help. In short, if I quit my (fraudulent) job I'd be screwed.
That's why I feel lost. I do things just to do things. No end goal or grand plan for my life. I support myself because I don't have a choice not because I desire to. It's nothing I could admit to anyone but myself and the anonymous online world.
I was diagnosed with ASD last year. I'm in my 30s. I have a full-time job, a place to rent, and food to eat so I consider myself lucky given that 80% of those on the spectrum are unemployed (in the US). I have been able to provide for myself in recent years but had a hard time with it beforehand. Actually, I still have a hard time keeping things going but I haven't attempted suicide for a few years so it's maybe not as rough as it once was.
The problem I have today is disillusionment with my career and feeling like a fraud. I won't go into specifics about my career but I work with people and I honestly don't know what I'm doing nor do I think I'm making any difference. I don't even have an interest in other people, generally. I'm cordial but do not develop attachments, save a romantic relationship. I only contact my family out of obligation, I don't have any friends, and I don't go out of my way to meet new people unless it's work related. I don't like to play politics to get ahead (which others might call 'networking'), which we all have to do to some extent. Every day I have to feign interest in what I do and keep appearances to support myself. I'm not very competent in the social sphere and experience a lot of fear because of that fact. I do challenge myself but that doesn't change much because, well, ASD.
Faking interest and competency is about as soul draining as can be. Really, if I had a choice, I'd hermit and sit in front of a computer all day (or lose myself in my own head). Not doing any work, just playing video games. I acknowledge that realization and it scares me. I don't have a lot of hope for my future. If I quit my job, I'd be relegated to minimium wage drudge work like I used to do since I don't have the skills and qualifications to do anything else in the modern day service economy. I wouldn't qualify for SSI given my work history. Can't really survive on such a low income anyways, unless you have 0 debt and subsidized housing or other outside help. In short, if I quit my (fraudulent) job I'd be screwed.
That's why I feel lost. I do things just to do things. No end goal or grand plan for my life. I support myself because I don't have a choice not because I desire to. It's nothing I could admit to anyone but myself and the anonymous online world.
