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Losing a friend

Sn0w

Member
Hi,

Something I read here some time ago: Some people only post when they need help. I am one of those people. I need your help.

I lost a good person, yesterday. We connected immensely in a short time. And she became very important to me. We shared the same humor, the same thoughts, sometimes it was scary. I would think of her and she suddenly shows up. I felt comfortable around her and she with me. We talked about many things even related to Autism. I don't even talk with my family about Autism. So yeah she is/was very important to me.

Anyway, things got complicated. I have a hard time seeing the difference between a friend and a girlfriend. We just connected. She has a boyfriend. And yesterday she asked me to make a promise that I just can't keep. It is impossible to make this promise.

I thought that it would be best to put some distance between us. No more talking, looking for her, hang out. I didn't see any other way to respect the promise I was supposed to make. But it destroyed everything. I feel like a wreck. Tears keep coming. I feel desperate. I can't focus. What is even worse is that I know she is equally sad about this. I wanted to talk to her, but didn't know what to say and at some point I could see her tears. If we didn't split ways at this moment ... there would be a pool of tears. It kills me to know it hurts for her.

Now the help part. I don't know what to do ... my emotions are so strong. So overwhelming. How do I make it stop? How can I cope with this? Maybe you guys have some experience you can share. What made it go away? What actions did you take? I am looking for something tangible to do. Something concrete. I read and hear "love yourself" a lot. But what does this mean? What do I do?

Help.

-Snow
 
I met someone who made me feel a similar way. We were both single but weren't ready for a relationship. We threw caution to the wind and tried anyway. It fell apart within a couple of months. It's several years later and I still think about her every day, and it hurts.

I know that might not be a helpful reply. I just wanted to show solidarity in that I get it. When you meet a person who touches your soul, you never want to let them go.

You need to verbalise how she made you feel when she asked you to make that promise. Speak from the heart, and be honest. You have to honour yourself and your feelings. Pushing them away entirely is an all or nothing approach. But I get it, I had to do the same.

I stayed friends with her after the breakup, but it tore me up inside meeting them, talking to them etc. We could still have a lovely time, but the sexual tension on both sides was intense. Loving her company but knowing it ended would make me feel overwhelmed with sadness and other intense negative emotions. It became too much.

After 4 months of that dynamic I said I needed distance. But half a year didn't help. So I tried another half a year - again, it still hurt so much. I then had to say to her that it could be years, but I will contact her when it feels right.

Part of me still thinks we'll end up together. Right person at the wrong time.

Ed
 
I have a hard time seeing the difference between a friend and a girlfriend. We just connected. She has a boyfriend. And yesterday she asked me to make a promise that I just can't keep. It is impossible to make this promise.
She set a boundary that is important to her in your friendship. If you wish to remain friends with her then you need to respect this boundary. If you are unable to respect this boundary then it is probably not healthy for either of you to continue associating with each other. If you are asking for people to tell you how you can get her to abandon the boundary she has set, that's a non-starter.
 
@Sn0w
It sounds like you both ran up against an important boundary due to her being in a relationship. When a friendship advances to such a level, it isn't right to continue if one person is already in a relationship.

In my opinion (and I admit I am making assumptions here), the greater onus would have been on this girl to respect her own relationship and not let things get too close with you. She let it go too far and you were not able to put on the brakes either.

So what now? Perhaps, you can let this motivate you into action and moving forward. It's probably good to talk or write about your feelings, but I'd say try not to get stuck there, just reliving these sad feelings again and again. In similar circumstances, I've found action to be most helpful. Maybe start working out or going on long and interesting walks. You can learn a new craft or get invested in a new hobby. Start volunteering somewhere or find a new meetup in your area if that's your thing. Do you have a pet? If not, and you have the finances and time for one, maybe now is the time to adopt a little animal into your life. You have a great empty space, which is very sad, but perhaps you can fill it with new, interesting, and nurturing things.
 
Hi Snow,

I agree with the above, but in my opinion sometimes it's also important to feel negative feelings, in a safe way.

Sadness can, for example, be experienced by talking out your feelings to someone you trust, or writing them down, listening to music, looking at old pictures, giving in to those thoughts and memories, crying until there are no tears left. If you're not sure how far your grief could go, maybe ask a friend or family member to stay reachable, either in the same room or in the same apartment, just in case you need someone to be there for you. Doing this and being sad for a limited period of time, such as a few days, doesn't have to be unhealthy at all. You might need to ask someone to come get you out at a certain, pre-agreed time point.

Anger and resentment, but also desperation, can be experienced by screaming into a pillow, screaming somewhere outside, hitting things in a safe way (e.g. with boxing gloves against a pad), breaking something in a safe way (e.g. hitting an old thing you wanted to throw out anyway with a stick or a bat).

You have loved this person, in whichever way, and what happened hurt you. That's okay and normal. Giving those emotions an outlet in a healthy way is also okay and normal.

You know yourself best, and some people cope better by keeping busy and focusing on something else straight away. That could be a project you kept procrastinating for a while, such as decluttering a space, throwing out stuff, repairing something. It could also be a hobby you already have. Something physical would probably be good. It could also be to take a few days off work and visit a friend or family member, either to get a distraction, or to talk things out with that person and allowing yourself to be sad or angry (see above).
 
Don't get me started on this crap but you will hear my 2 cents. Her having a boyfriend is a big red flag and right away I would not bother. I deal with this crap all the time. Matter of fact 95% of the time the only women I actually have conversations with are in relationships, married or have boyfriends and it sucks after 5 1/2 years of socializing.

I did go through a painful textationship with a single women who I thought was my first platonic female friend which we would exchange messages but when she would say we would see each other on Sunday she never had time to do crap. It got so bad I went to a dumpster of a cafe for 6 months a married female friend owned which I was more ostracized by women which made me a more bitter vulger mean envy hateful couple platonic jealous person which I am still fighting today.
 
My husband walked out on me a year ago. Recently, I just lost a friend. I know how bad it hurts.

For the loss of my husband I cried for 10 weeks straight. Almost all the time. I found a therapist and attended a divorce support group that met weekly. I have daily worship with my Quaker meeting, which goes on all the time, but is an ongoing source of support. I posted to this forum when I could.

I did many of the things referenced above. I screamed until I was hoarse. I beat on walls and on my head. I threw his stuff out. It took distance and time to get over it. For the friendship, I was just ghosted. And it sucks. But there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to reformat my life not to include this person.

I know how hard this is. You can do it. Keep posting here. There is a lot of support.
 
Now the help part. I don't know what to do ... my emotions are so strong.

The short, but tough answer in such a scenario? Sorry, but you must move on.

The likelihood of her rekindling even a friendship strikes me as unlikely on her part. There's just nothing left to do given your feelings towards her that she cannot and will not reciprocate.

It's just not fair to you to continue wanting to be even just a friend to her under those circumstances. You'd just be torturing yourself.
 
This post is difficult to read. l still have never moved on from one such person, but had to because they wouldn't take responsibility that we were in a relationship. And be responsible about us and our security. So l moved on, but l will carry this sadness around for a very long time. Like @Raggamuffin says, right person, wrong timing.
 
I would suggest practicing gratitude. Think of things you are grateful for, like the time with that friend that you had, it was special and meant a lot to you, so recognizing the opportunity you had to experience that situation. Think of things that are good for you in life recently, and so on. Also
writing about your feelings in a personal journal might help.
It’s not easy to lose someone you care about but focusing on that loss or dwelling on the sadness will lead to additional sadness.

I saw and saved this chart that might be helpful
IMG_2896.jpeg
 
First of all, she is OUT OF ORDER. She should at least have ended it with her boyfriend, if she felt something for you instead, but to suddenly say that, it shows that she got carried away and felt guilty. However, she is bad, because if she indeed is dating, she should have kept her distance.

It is tangable for you to get through this. I felt EXACTLY the same when I was 18 on realising I had fallen deeply in love with my boyfriend and in truth, despite having got married to my current husband, it was only 10 into our marriage that I had this daydream: what if right now, I needed someone. Who would I want to walk through that door? My husband or my first love? My husband's face immediately came to my mind and I realised then, I had stopped loving my ex.

In fact, several year's later, my ex messanged me through Facebook. I was in shock. He is now a father of two girls, but at the time, was not married.

As soon as he said that if his girlfriend did not want him to keep in contact with me, then he would end it with her, I thought: becareful Suzanne. As I did feel I could easily slip in that emotion again, but saw that it was wrong, so I asked him to never contact me again and to please, concentrate on his girl and marry her, since they have two children together. I did block him though, for my own welbeing. However, point to note: I had got over him and it felt weird that I actually felt passionate about him lol
 
First of, I appreciate every single reply here. It gives me something to do and think about. I read all of them!

It really started out as a friendship. It really was. Or is my mind playing tricks. I don’t know anymore. I hate that I can’t see it. I know what I feel, but I don’t understand what it means. By reading all these replies. It looks like it was more than a friendship. As most are about a partner. I still don’t understand the difference except for sex. Well then there is friends with benefits. Damn all this is so complicated for me.

I made the decision to speak to my supervisor. Tell him I don’t know what to do. He didn’t give me an order. He gave me the choice. Go home or stay. Which is exactly my struggle. If I go home will it help? I don’t know. Unfortunately he didn’t help me make a choice …

Unfortunately therapy doesn’t work, I was there before. They couldn’t help. Only with day to day things. Practical things.

Maybe the thing I want doesn’t exist …
 
I hate ot when you were deeply in love with the person and then they want to stay friends, screw that. It's too painful to continue to talk to them. Which is exactly what this last long-term person did. So l felt they just wanted to use me and l said we need to move on, l have someone entering back to my life who valued our prior relationship and seems to want to make a second try at it since we are both more mature. It's been okay, l noticed l have boundaries, and l say no, maybe something l didn't before. They seem more mature and seem to value my companionship more. Right now it's working out, and we navigate our life choices together but we decided not to get married which helps both of us not feel chained or boxed in.
 
Hi,

Something I read here some time ago: Some people only post when they need help. I am one of those people. I need your help.

I lost a good person, yesterday. We connected immensely in a short time. And she became very important to me. We shared the same humor, the same thoughts, sometimes it was scary. I would think of her and she suddenly shows up. I felt comfortable around her and she with me. We talked about many things even related to Autism. I don't even talk with my family about Autism. So yeah she is/was very important to me.

Anyway, things got complicated. I have a hard time seeing the difference between a friend and a girlfriend. We just connected. She has a boyfriend. And yesterday she asked me to make a promise that I just can't keep. It is impossible to make this promise.

I thought that it would be best to put some distance between us. No more talking, looking for her, hang out. I didn't see any other way to respect the promise I was supposed to make. But it destroyed everything. I feel like a wreck. Tears keep coming. I feel desperate. I can't focus. What is even worse is that I know she is equally sad about this. I wanted to talk to her, but didn't know what to say and at some point I could see her tears. If we didn't split ways at this moment ... there would be a pool of tears. It kills me to know it hurts for her.

Now the help part. I don't know what to do ... my emotions are so strong. So overwhelming. How do I make it stop? How can I cope with this? Maybe you guys have some experience you can share. What made it go away? What actions did you take? I am looking for something tangible to do. Something concrete. I read and hear "love yourself" a lot. But what does this mean? What do I do?

Help.

-Snow

The pain is terrible. I think that only thing that can happen is time. I cannot think of anything else that is possible or could help. Heartbreak seems like something that is part of life and we go through a few times. I still feel pain over ex girlfriends even from very long ago. I am glad I got to feel though, for a long time I did not think I could feel things. The pain is bad but for me it is better than not being able to feel.
 

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