LuxLuca
Kermit the Frog
I'm sorry for asking advice again after creating a thread about another subject not too long ago. I don't wish to come across as needy but it seems like I have a pile of neglected issues that I can't avoid much longer.
This is a very long one.
My main issue in relationships is that I tend to create a role of myself as a caretaker for my significant other. I tend to date people who are struggling mentally, even when it's not something I would like. When my relationships progress I find myself being more of a parent than an equal partner, I make myself responsible for another's happiness often at the cost of myself.
I'm currently in a committed relationship, have been for roughly 5 years. My partner traveled countries to come live with me because I was pursuing an education and couldn't move. He didn't have anything going on, he was in a depression and figured the drastic change might actually help him. It went downhill at first but eventually actually did get better. I've spoken with him about my previous experiences and we agreed to make sure we wouldn't end up there. Due to my experience in the mental healthcare field however, I tend to manage a lot for him. (Therapy, planning, paperwork and so on.)
Last year my mother's dog had puppies (labradoodles). She wanted to give us one of the puppies because she knew I had always wanted a labradoodle of my own. I was against the idea at first. I was in school and worked, I didn't have much time to care for a dog and we lived in a rather small appartement with 2 cats already. My partner, however, was over the moon with the idea. He convinced me by saying how much good it would do for him to have the structure of a dog, how training him would be fulfilling and how it would make him feel less alone (no job, no school due to burn-out). I caved, how could I not? I've always had a weak spot for animals and with this cute little potato that was going to be so fluffy and soft I just couldn't refuse. We talked it through properly, agreeing that it was a big decision and that we had to be a full 100% sure that we would commit. We could not return him and we couldn't imagine wanting to.
When he was at the appropriate age we took our puppy, Makka, home. He was an absolute dream to have; a smart little boy with heaps of affection that was surprisingly calm. He learned fast, looked cuter by the day and loved especially my partner. Because he was home with him almost every day it was no suprise that Makka bonded with him, it had been the partial goal. It didn't take me long to absolutely fall in love with him.
But as smart of a boy Makka was, he needed training. He listens rather well but is very barky when he runs into other dogs. Staying alone is also something a little bit hard for him, he doesn't mind who is with him but he barks and howls when he's alone.
My partner poured his everything into training Makka, so much so that it became difficult for me to be a part of that. As a psychology enthusiast I understand a fair share of animal behaviour, but all my takes where recieved as me telling my partner, who did loads of online research, that I knew better. I understood the misunderstanding but also realised that no matter what I said, it was not good enough. After a while this seemed to settle down with him admitting he was being obsessive. He had started seeing Makka as a failure because he wasn't meeting his expectations (barely 1 year old puppy, mind you), saying that he felt trapped by the dog. We also talked about this and concluded that his problem was himself, not Makka.
Starting this year my partner started feeling an itch to return to society, work/study and take better care of himself. He has been a shut in for years and feared failure above anything (he even feared learning the language because he would, in his opinion, sound dumb because he wasn't fluent.) so this sudden drive was the absolute best thing!
But the situation with Makka got worse. It ended with him in tears saying that the dog was a mistake. He didn't love our dog anymore, in fact he disliked him. It broke my heart, I got very attached to our little floof. He said that he felt like he would just spend his live taking care of Makka and not be able to get out of the depression.
We had two big fights over this, the first one we concluded that my partner needed to make more time for himself. We had plenty of babysitters willing and naturally I was there as well. As long as we would plan and manage it would work out.
The second fight he had decided he didn't want Makka anymore, and that was final. It felt like a dead end to him and he didn't want to sacrifice himself for the dog. After the fight I called my mother and spend the night there with Makka. The idea of giving Makka away to another home was impossible to me. This was a good welbehaved dog that was still learning, he was a responsibility that we took and he is by all accounts dependent on us. A dog sustains lasting damage from being re-homed and I could not see any justified reason why Makka deserved to be taken from his home. I was on the cusp of breaking the relationship off because I felt rather appalled by this sudden disregard of a living being.
We ended up talking it through and after some discussion we ended up agreeing that Makka would stay at my parent's (they have a big farm) so my partner could focus on getting his live on track and eventually work take him back home. This made perfect sense to me then. I wouldn't lose my dog and my partner could take some space to progress in life, something that obviously is very important.
I feel like I have taken a short end of the stick in my attempt to make everyone happy. I'm not happy. I miss my dog and every time I get sad my partner just gets defensive. My partner seems so happy and relaxed, as if Makka never happened.. but he's still there! I see him weekly at my parents, brush him, take him for walks and give him all the love that I save up for him. He knows something is wrong, I can tell. He wants to come home and comforts me as if I'd be crying.
I fear that I made a decision that sounded good in my head but didn't think about the emotional scale. I don't think my partner feels particularly grateful for my sacrifice, he just feels guilt and pressure. I don't think he even remotely wants to get Makka back home.
I don't know what to do. I cannot take care of him alone, it's a team effort and I have physical disabilities that would make it hard on occasion. I don't know if I can handle breaking up with my partner, I love him and the heartbreak would do doubt screw up my education.
Did I make a mistake? What do I do?
This is a very long one.
My main issue in relationships is that I tend to create a role of myself as a caretaker for my significant other. I tend to date people who are struggling mentally, even when it's not something I would like. When my relationships progress I find myself being more of a parent than an equal partner, I make myself responsible for another's happiness often at the cost of myself.
I'm currently in a committed relationship, have been for roughly 5 years. My partner traveled countries to come live with me because I was pursuing an education and couldn't move. He didn't have anything going on, he was in a depression and figured the drastic change might actually help him. It went downhill at first but eventually actually did get better. I've spoken with him about my previous experiences and we agreed to make sure we wouldn't end up there. Due to my experience in the mental healthcare field however, I tend to manage a lot for him. (Therapy, planning, paperwork and so on.)
Last year my mother's dog had puppies (labradoodles). She wanted to give us one of the puppies because she knew I had always wanted a labradoodle of my own. I was against the idea at first. I was in school and worked, I didn't have much time to care for a dog and we lived in a rather small appartement with 2 cats already. My partner, however, was over the moon with the idea. He convinced me by saying how much good it would do for him to have the structure of a dog, how training him would be fulfilling and how it would make him feel less alone (no job, no school due to burn-out). I caved, how could I not? I've always had a weak spot for animals and with this cute little potato that was going to be so fluffy and soft I just couldn't refuse. We talked it through properly, agreeing that it was a big decision and that we had to be a full 100% sure that we would commit. We could not return him and we couldn't imagine wanting to.
When he was at the appropriate age we took our puppy, Makka, home. He was an absolute dream to have; a smart little boy with heaps of affection that was surprisingly calm. He learned fast, looked cuter by the day and loved especially my partner. Because he was home with him almost every day it was no suprise that Makka bonded with him, it had been the partial goal. It didn't take me long to absolutely fall in love with him.
But as smart of a boy Makka was, he needed training. He listens rather well but is very barky when he runs into other dogs. Staying alone is also something a little bit hard for him, he doesn't mind who is with him but he barks and howls when he's alone.
My partner poured his everything into training Makka, so much so that it became difficult for me to be a part of that. As a psychology enthusiast I understand a fair share of animal behaviour, but all my takes where recieved as me telling my partner, who did loads of online research, that I knew better. I understood the misunderstanding but also realised that no matter what I said, it was not good enough. After a while this seemed to settle down with him admitting he was being obsessive. He had started seeing Makka as a failure because he wasn't meeting his expectations (barely 1 year old puppy, mind you), saying that he felt trapped by the dog. We also talked about this and concluded that his problem was himself, not Makka.
Starting this year my partner started feeling an itch to return to society, work/study and take better care of himself. He has been a shut in for years and feared failure above anything (he even feared learning the language because he would, in his opinion, sound dumb because he wasn't fluent.) so this sudden drive was the absolute best thing!
But the situation with Makka got worse. It ended with him in tears saying that the dog was a mistake. He didn't love our dog anymore, in fact he disliked him. It broke my heart, I got very attached to our little floof. He said that he felt like he would just spend his live taking care of Makka and not be able to get out of the depression.
We had two big fights over this, the first one we concluded that my partner needed to make more time for himself. We had plenty of babysitters willing and naturally I was there as well. As long as we would plan and manage it would work out.
The second fight he had decided he didn't want Makka anymore, and that was final. It felt like a dead end to him and he didn't want to sacrifice himself for the dog. After the fight I called my mother and spend the night there with Makka. The idea of giving Makka away to another home was impossible to me. This was a good welbehaved dog that was still learning, he was a responsibility that we took and he is by all accounts dependent on us. A dog sustains lasting damage from being re-homed and I could not see any justified reason why Makka deserved to be taken from his home. I was on the cusp of breaking the relationship off because I felt rather appalled by this sudden disregard of a living being.
We ended up talking it through and after some discussion we ended up agreeing that Makka would stay at my parent's (they have a big farm) so my partner could focus on getting his live on track and eventually work take him back home. This made perfect sense to me then. I wouldn't lose my dog and my partner could take some space to progress in life, something that obviously is very important.
I feel like I have taken a short end of the stick in my attempt to make everyone happy. I'm not happy. I miss my dog and every time I get sad my partner just gets defensive. My partner seems so happy and relaxed, as if Makka never happened.. but he's still there! I see him weekly at my parents, brush him, take him for walks and give him all the love that I save up for him. He knows something is wrong, I can tell. He wants to come home and comforts me as if I'd be crying.
I fear that I made a decision that sounded good in my head but didn't think about the emotional scale. I don't think my partner feels particularly grateful for my sacrifice, he just feels guilt and pressure. I don't think he even remotely wants to get Makka back home.
I don't know what to do. I cannot take care of him alone, it's a team effort and I have physical disabilities that would make it hard on occasion. I don't know if I can handle breaking up with my partner, I love him and the heartbreak would do doubt screw up my education.
Did I make a mistake? What do I do?
