Light bulb moment. NT married to an undiagnosed Aspie

[Apple28]

This forum has been a gem. I've been with my husband for 7 years but married for a little over a year.

Our relationship right from the start was not typical. I was very flexible and went along with whatever he wanted because I enjoyed it and also I was getting to know him. That's my personality and it can be bad for others because it's easy for other people to think I like them and yet for me, I'm just subconsciously absorbing them and then making up my mind later. I have people who think are my friends or are closer to me than they actually are.

I say all that to say my personality was sort of dormant and this allowed my husband to flourish. When I started asserting myself esp when he would spend some time at my place we started having problems. And some of these I had already observed before as potential problems but I would let go giving benefit of doubt. At first I thought logic would win. Nope.

I went to being consciously submissive. Didn't help. Then i started putting things together. Him not being a greater reader, bad spelling particularly swapping certain letters, he stayed a class behind in school, having to learn a certain rhyme as a kid in school ( this was a story he told me. That his teacher once gave this special type of homework. I treasure that story and sometimes I recite it and we laugh. Maybe I'll post it if anyone cares)

He's great with figuring out how things work. Math. Guitar playing. He's not touchy feely. Terrible attention span esp conversation about general chit chat. Forgetfulness of obvious things to me. He'll leave the kitchen to ask me what's in the fridge. Temper. I used to say after arguing. You don't have to burn the house down to get rid of the spider. He's smashed pple's mirrors from road rage because they were breaking the law. He's a cyclist. It's also meant him walking out of his job! He will be in his right sometimes but the response is woah.

When I was introduced to family and friends. Everyone said are you sure you know what you've signed up for. His sister says oh you must be saint. I always thought this was a joke but now I kinda know what they meant. His colleagues can't believe he's married lol.

Anyway so I'm bEgan to start suspecting over the years he's on some spectrum. I never linked it to sex drive until we were married. Now we were going for ,at the most, a month without sex. I'm wondering what's wrong. I asked. Nothing. Therapy? Unnecessary. I had conspiracy theories. It just hit me this week how can the guy who is not touchy feely have a high sex drive. Maybe that's why. I find our sex life very satisfying but just coming from what I know/expect to be "normal" I thought something was wrong between us.

We took the online test. I scored 16. He scored 32. I couldn't believe it. I mean I could but you know what I mean. I know it's not conclusive but it made me start reading up on the subject.

I felt awful. I had been doing little things which I thought was helping him. For instance pushing him to use words to say what he wanted me to watch instead of always playing the video. When he's in a temper. Telling him to use words to explain his anger instead of shutting me out. This was a big problem in our r/ship before we were married. He'd leave the house and go to his parents over running late to meet friends in the pub. I'm talking 30min late at the worst and I would say it's okay it's not like it's one person sitting by themself. Oh boy!

Anyway I felt awful. Awful. I apologised and now I'm going to take him as he is and not nag about things that seem obviously logical to me that he ignores. In some ways I think this why our relationship has lasted so long to the surprise of many. I've always been wanting to understand him because he's the best man I've ever been with. He adores me. Even when he hurts me I'm never in doubt of his love for me. This is something I keep saying to him now when he gets a temper. What ever you think I've done wrong I'm the person who is on your side always and never want to intentionally hurt you.

Oh another thing is the way he's changed some things. That was one of the reason I was really ready to marry him despite sometimes not getting on perfectly. I could tell he was picking up certain things. For instance not sulking for days because we've argued about using the dishwasher. Esp not leaving the house to go to his parents! I can never stay mad at him now because I see he is upset and I see him make the effort to let the issue go and move on. Most of the time that would have always been me. Saying come on are we really not going to talk for the day or two days because we argued about the dishwasher? And he'd insist on his anger and of cause it becomes about other things. I'm a very logical person so I can usually thwart his justifications so eventually he agrees or sometimes I concede defeat.

Sorry for the long post but I was just bursting to share. Also we're both 35 and everyone expects us to have a baby but he is quite ambivalent about it and I was worried. I'm ambivalent too but he has the luxury of changing his mind later and that coupled with the low sex drive was making me pensive. We've spoken about it. He's said he wants one if i want one. From what I've read here someone said this is one answer usually given as a safe answer and that maybe true because I know financially we are waiting for one or two things to happen so we can be more comfortable. It's not a deal breaker but it would be preferable and I know esp for him. I just didn't want him to say later I wish we had tried for a baby 2 or 3 years ago because he does have a tendency to let things go and later wish he had been more proactive. I'm very risk averse so I'm always planning.

I'd love any thoughts on all this. Thank you. Of course I didn't mention everything. Oh one thing though. I find him very "harsh" in some ways in the standards he sets for me so sometimes I say to him would you say that about your sister or such such female friend. It even came to a point sometimes when it came to blunt comments I'd call him friend. Like hey friend that's not a nice way to treat your friend meaning me. We'd laugh then but it gives him pause for thought. I wonder why sometimes he doesn't deal with me with same compassion he shows his sister and this particular female friends of his. Those two can never do any wrong and I dare not ever criticise them.

Anyway enough rambling. Thank you if you've made it this far.

 

[Blast off]

All I have to say is you are on the right track for sure. The relationship you describe is very similar to my wife and I. (Me being the person with ASD among other issues). I only wish my wife could have the awakening that you seem to have had.. We have a son now who is low functioning autistic, and that only adds to our our discomfort with each other. I would advise before having kids, you become comfortable with each other as much as possible, otherwise having a baby could break you irrevocably. For me at this point I only stay here for my son, and the fact that neither of us could handle him alone. Not that you are in the exact same situation, but it could turn out that way if you can't get things more on track. Also remember that often it is not you that is setting him off, it could be just about anything and I'm sure if you'll ask him in an inquisitive tone of voice (not angry voice), he will be more than happy to tell you, and then things can be addressed, and that will lead you onto the road to a happy, healthy marriage. If he really is a person with ASD you also should keep in mind that we are overly sensitive to things that most people won't even notice, and other things that seem very important to a "normal person" sometimes will not even register to us. Anyways, I hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[Apple28]

@Blast off

Thank you so much for your reply. I wish you all the best in your marriage too and hopefully things will get better.

I had'nt even thought of the possibility of having a child with similar issues and neither has he. On his part i think mostly because his parents never addressed this with him. Now his father has commented he has always suspected him to be dyslexic etc but he is very reluctant about putting labels on him and I understand that and appreciate it.

On the last part you mentioned, I will definitely always keep it in mind. It's also made me think about a huge rift happening between him and his sister at the moment. He has 3 but one of them he's been feeling very neglected by her. I've tried to get to them to spend time together because she has no clue he is feeling this way or if she does, like me, is sort of relaxed about it thinking oh that's just silly of course I love him. I'll be looking at further developments with new eyes now.

 

[Suzanne]

Very close to my marriage with my NT husband. Accept that my husband is not apologetic for all the times he has shouted at me for being forgetful. Etc.

I love the way you use humor to get your husband out of his bad mood. I also wonder if you would allow me to "steal" some of your ways around situations, to pass on to my husband on possible ways to deal with me?

Recently someone said to me. Think on this Suzanne, despite everything, you are married and now, that is an achievement. Yet, ironically he sensed a bitterness between us ( we had just had words).

I am also not a touchy feely person and bounce between hypersexual to asexual. But you know, sex is not always about love? And thus it is pretty normal to be highly sexed but not touchy feely. I do not mean to suggest he doesn't love you, by the way; just explaining the part that you can't understand why.

You have certainly cottoned on to the "walk away" when a meltdown is happening. My husband is going to try that, but says he finds it very difficult to do; not because he feels sorry for me; on the contrary, he is disgusted with me when I get meltdowns ( I never hit nor throw nor swear), but he knows now, that to try and use logic on me when I am in that sort of frame of mind, just makes me angrier because I know there is no logic to it, but I need to be on my own to calm down.

I could easily fester in anger for days and used to as well, but being a christian has helped me in so many ways. I want to dwell on the anger, but can get myself out of it.

My husband feels it is all about me and thus, really sees me as a narcissist. I have tried to explain ( so much better explaining via text or email) that it is not about wanting my own way; it is about it actually causing me mental pain.

I have a few arrangements in our home that involve colour and uniformity and my husband was showing me something and moved a vase and did not put it back where it was and I could feel myself hardly being able to concentrate on what he was saying, because all the time I was thinking: is he going to move it back where it should be? Why can't he have demonstrated with something else? When he put it in the wrong place, I just silently put it where it was before. He did mock me, but only gently and did not make a noise about me being stupid and thus, a meltdown was avoided. If he had insisted that it didn't matter etc, I would react badly. Now is that narcissim? I do not think so?

 

[Blast off]

Very close to my marriage with my NT husband. Accept that my husband is not apologetic for all the times he has shouted at me for being forgetful. Etc.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who freaks out when their spouse puts something out of place!!! My wife has a really hard time trying to understand/understanding the issues both my son and I face on a daily basis, and I can't really blame her too much because I know we are very hard to deal with. However, I wish she would try a little harder to understand and eventually accept the fact that we are who we are, and we don't have a choice about who we were born to be.

I love the way you use humor to get your husband out of his bad mood. I also wonder if you would allow me to "steal" some of your ways around situations, to pass on to my husband on possible ways to deal with me?

Recently someone said to me. Think on this Suzanne, despite everything, you are married and now, that is an achievement. Yet, ironically he sensed a bitterness between us ( we had just had words).

I am also not a touchy feely person and bounce between hypersexual to asexual. But you know, sex is not always about love? And thus it is pretty normal to be highly sexed but not touchy feely. I do not mean to suggest he doesn't love you, by the way; just explaining the part that you can't understand why.

You have certainly cottoned on to the "walk away" when a meltdown is happening. My husband is going to try that, but says he finds it very difficult to do; not because he feels sorry for me; on the contrary, he is disgusted with me when I get meltdowns ( I never hit nor throw nor swear), but he knows now, that to try and use logic on me when I am in that sort of frame of mind, just makes me angrier because I know there is no logic to it, but I need to be on my own to calm down.

I could easily fester in anger for days and used to as well, but being a christian has helped me in so many ways. I want to dwell on the anger, but can get myself out of it.

My husband feels it is all about me and thus, really sees me as a narcissist. I have tried to explain ( so much better explaining via text or email) that it is not about wanting my own way; it is about it actually causing me mental pain.

I have a few arrangements in our home that involve colour and uniformity and my husband was showing me something and moved a vase and did not put it back where it was and I could feel myself hardly being able to concentrate on what he was saying, because all the time I was thinking: is he going to move it back where it should be? Why can't he have demonstrated with something else? When he put it in the wrong place, I just silently put it where it was before. He did mock me, but only gently and did not make a noise about me being stupid and thus, a meltdown was avoided. If he had insisted that it didn't matter etc, I would react badly. Now is that narcissim? I do not think so?

 

[Apple28]

Very close to my marriage with my NT husband. Accept that my husband is not apologetic for all the times he has shouted at me for being forgetful. Etc.

I love the way you use humor to get your husband out of his bad mood. I also wonder if you would allow me to "steal" some of your ways around situations, to pass on to my husband on possible ways to deal with me?

Recently someone said to me. Think on this Suzanne, despite everything, you are married and now, that is an achievement. Yet, ironically he sensed a bitterness between us ( we had just had words).

I am also not a touchy feely person and bounce between hypersexual to asexual. But you know, sex is not always about love? And thus it is pretty normal to be highly sexed but not touchy feely. I do not mean to suggest he doesn't love you, by the way; just explaining the part that you can't understand why.

You have certainly cottoned on to the "walk away" when a meltdown is happening. My husband is going to try that, but says he finds it very difficult to do; not because he feels sorry for me; on the contrary, he is disgusted with me when I get meltdowns ( I never hit nor throw nor swear), but he knows now, that to try and use logic on me when I am in that sort of frame of mind, just makes me angrier because I know there is no logic to it, but I need to be on my own to calm down.

I could easily fester in anger for days and used to as well, but being a christian has helped me in so many ways. I want to dwell on the anger, but can get myself out of it.

My husband feels it is all about me and thus, really sees me as a narcissist. I have tried to explain ( so much better explaining via text or email) that it is not about wanting my own way; it is about it actually causing me mental pain.

I have a few arrangements in our home that involve colour and uniformity and my husband was showing me something and moved a vase and did not put it back where it was and I could feel myself hardly being able to concentrate on what he was saying, because all the time I was thinking: is he going to move it back where it should be? Why can't he have demonstrated with something else? When he put it in the wrong place, I just silently put it where it was before. He did mock me, but only gently and did not make a noise about me being stupid and thus, a meltdown was avoided. If he had insisted that it didn't matter etc, I would react badly. Now is that narcissim? I do not think so?

Thank you so much for the reply. I'm quite struck at the irony of your husband making it all about him and yet accusing you of it being all about you. It's funny in a way except you used words like "he's disgusted" which is a very strong negative emotion to have about such things. Maybe HE is on the spectrum! I'm joking. Anyway I think you are lucky that you are able to write how you feel and even feel like finding a way to mend things. My husband does neither. He would eventually text say we have been fighting for two days but in recent years we have not had the need to go back and forth via texts. I came to a point where that was already a red flag because if he wasn't talking to me then I would send long texts explaining things. One he's not a great reader. 2 he has to reply which meant a great effort. Eventually he would do so because I wanted an answer but as time went on i realised how much pressure I was putting him under. One time we were giving him the floor to talk, me and his dad, about some video on water he had watched. We are normally not that patient or he never really ventures to get into really explaining things. He just plays the video which we end up refusing to watch. Anyway as he spoke he was pulling at his eyelashes the whole time. He normally picks his cuticles. Something his dad does as well. I just found it interesting and wondered if he was overwhelmed by the attention even though he was happy to tell us. I say all this to say you're lucky you can express yourself and note your husband's reactions etc.

I hope using humor will break your husband's seriousness or negative outlook. It will make everything lighter for him and hopefully for you too.

I agree with what you said about being hypersexual and asexual. I think because we didn't live together the asexual aspect flew under the radar. He has said to me he has a healthy appetite and sometimes I think he wants to prove this to me which makes me wary because I don't want to him to perform just to prove a point. But then it could be very real so I have tried to be open minded. It's just that when people expect you to get pregnant but you're not even having sex for a month or just twice a month it was making me worry.

Your insight has really helped and it's funny because I can be pendatic about putting back things where they where mainly so you don't lose them or forget where they are. He's blasé about those things but he has one or two things he's fixated on to the point of real annoyance. Like the audio speakers. He likes them at a certain angle for a certain projection. I don't get it. I think it doesn't make a noticiable difference but instead of brushing it off I will treat it with respect that comes from actually understanding.

Oh and the marriage as an achievement. I feel like his parents have been looking out for that. I remember telling my mom when I started dating my husband that his dad made me feel like I was just his "in thing" at the moment. We're from different nationalities and I know my husband is drawn to things he doesn't know about. Some things are fads and pass like at the moment peanut butter jelly sandwiches. He's only started eating peanut butter this year. Others stick like mountain biking. Anyway I think his dad feels marriage forces him to be more mature and less spontaneous and irresponsible e.g he loves shopping and then barely makes it for bills which he ends up trying to justify are an unfair nuisance

Sorry for long reply. Thanks again. I wish you all the best xx

 

[Suzanne]

I'm quite struck at the irony of your husband making it all about him and yet accusing you of it being all about you. It's funny in a way except you used words like "he's disgusted" which is a very strong negative emotion to have about such things. Maybe HE is on the spectrum! I'm joking.

It is a good thing I saw: I am only joking part, because I was about to take you literally and say that, no he is definitely an NT!

Not to worry about the huge text. I am terrible for long messages and I rather enjoy reading long texts over short ones; so you are good.

 

[paloftoon]

Apple28, best thing to do is to talk about things he is rigid about as you go along, and try to work through them. Even more importantly, as you may already know, be direct and straight-forward with whatever you say. So, if you want sex, ask him for it directly rather than infer it.

 

[xudo]

bad spelling particularly swapping certain letters

Sounds very much like possibly dyslexia to me. I have it mildly, but my friend has very severe dyslexia and she has a major problem with swapping 'b' and 'd'.

It just hit me this week how can the guy who is not touchy feely have a high sex drive.

Not a problem for all of us, even if we are not touchy feely.

 

[Apple28]

Sounds very much like possibly dyslexia to me. I have it mildly, but my friedn has very severe dyslexia and she has a major problem with swapping 'b' and 'd'.



Not a problem for all of us, even if we are not touchy feely.

Thanks very much for the insight. I will keep it in mind.

 

[Judge]

From my point of view there can be an enormous gap between romance and sex.

Romance is a form of communication with a very narrow "message", whereas sex requires far less communication and tends to be more a matter of instinct and feel. Though admittedly if you really want to know what pleases a partner, indeed you have to ask.

Give me an "A" in sex. But give me a "D" in romance. Consistently.

Small wonder my relationships with NT females all eventually failed. And romance is one of those things that I'm entirely unsure of being able to truly improve upon. Even with such hindsight.

 

[Apple28]

From my point of view there can be an enormous gap between romance and sex.

Romance is a form of communication with a very narrow "message", whereas sex requires far less communication and tends to be more a matter of instinct and feel. Though admittedly if you really want to know what pleases a partner, indeed you have to ask.

Give me an "A" in sex. But give me a "D" in romance. Consistently.

Small wonder my relationships with NT females all eventually failed. And romance is one of those things that I'm entirely unsure of being able to truly improve upon. Even with such hindsight.

That's interesting.

I think eventually you might meet someone who gets you. The right fit. I've seen quite a few auspies say this. The hopelessness of a relationship. I think if anyone is hoping or looking for a partner, that person is out there. I think that's why generally everyone is told not to settle for less than they deserve.

My husband is very good at romantic gestures. To a fault. Sometimes I'm if just feeling low I have to reassure him not to spend any money on gifts as that really won't help and we just end up out of money. He is a very generous gifter. I don't know if that points to anything.

On the sex side though it's very much waiting for him to initiate. I have no problem with his. I was also raised in a conservative society so it's easy for me. I can count on one hand the number of times I've tried to initiate sex and he's responded. He said he has a better sense of judging when we are both in the mood. I found it quite hilarious. I laughed. How can he be so sure! Also if we were trying for a baby I'm the one who knows when I'm ovulating. To which he then said so it's then if meant to happen it will happen and if it doesn't it doesn't.

He's instinct is always to say no when I make plans and eventually he might do that thing but it will be packaged as him having determined the when and how. This means if I were to say lets have sex next week or I like this. He's instinct is to shut down or even immediately have an excuse for why it can't happen.

For an NT I think generally it's easy to think your partner is unhappy or getting satisfied elsewhere if you're not having sex regularly or what we think should be normal and this is what I was thinking. Though I'm quite confident he would never cheat (but of course never say never). I asked if then he masturbates frequently ( this idea also comes from being raised to think that generally men are macho and that means they have a great appetite for sex whereas women are more demure). He's reluctant to talk about it even though he does a little. I try to talk about it in a matter of fact way about myself which makes him laugh with embarrassment and at my audacity to openly admit to doing it. I was doing that in the hopes of him opening up because I thought something was "wrong". I think now I'm more relaxed and comfortable to go with flow as I'm reassured that when he says he's fine. He is really fine.

 

[Judge]

That's interesting.

I think eventually you might meet someone who gets you. The right fit.

Thanks. Although for me, "eventually" came and went long ago. I'm in my 60s and relationships are no longer a driving force in my life as I live in a self-imposed form of isolation. It has its drawbacks, but the plusses outweigh the minuses. Further evidence of truly being on the spectrum of autism.

Though in all honesty if the opportunity ever came up again, I'd prefer a relationship with my own kind. Something I could go into with "less baggage" from my past.

For me, "romance" is a by-product of courtship. Ultimately an alien concept to me. Much like fellowship is as well. I can see it, even assess patterns of behavior. But at best I can awkwardly mimic it. How did I date others? I didn't. I made friends who in select situations turned out to become much more. It hasn't been easy.

 

[ezcare]

For an NT I think generally it's easy to think your partner is unhappy or getting satisfied elsewhere if you're not having sex regularly or what we think should be normal and this is what I was thinking. Though I'm quite confident he would never cheat (but of course never say never). I asked if then he masturbates frequently ( this idea also comes from being raised to think that generally men are macho and that means they have a great appetite for sex whereas women are more demure). He's reluctant to talk about it even though he does a little.

It is not unusual for the NT spouse to think he/she is trapped in a loveless marriage. As an Aspie who was diagnosed later in life (age 65) I have to admit that on my list of 10 reasons to marry, sex would have ranked near the bottom but having children and a strong family near the top. We were both virgins when we married and had conceived two children within the first 14 months of our marriage. Our third child came 8 years later. The family consumed my wife's attention for the first 25 years of our 45 yr marriage, but the empty nest increased her desire for sex. Earning a living consumed my desire. This became an issue about 10 years ago and she became very frustrated in my lack of desire. Because she never really accepted my diagnoses (I had managed to overcome many symptoms by the time I reached my 35th birthday) she first worried that she was no longer attractive or that I was cheating or even that I was a gay man hiding in the marriage closet. This almost led to divorce, but I was able to get out of myself and see the situation from her point of view. Since it did not matter to me whether we had sex or not, I decided to put on my Romantic Mask and persona (only Aspies will understand what I mean by this) and give her what she needed. As an Aspie, I am able to do so unconditionally. I do not need her to reciprocate but must admit I like it when she does. So I would advise other Aspies (especially young men) to use your emotional neutrality to your advantage. Cultivate your own Romantic Persona and be ready to give the performance of your life when she calls for it. You may find it inconvenient but, years later when your NT friends and family members have abandoned you she will still be by your side believing she is your soulmate.

 

[Apple28]

It is not unusual for the NT spouse to think he/she is trapped in a loveless marriage. As an Aspie who was diagnosed later in life (age 65) I have to admit that on my list of 10 reasons to marry, sex would have ranked near the bottom but having children and a strong family near the top. We were both virgins when we married and had conceived two children within the first 14 months of our marriage. Our third child came 8 years later. The family consumed my wife's attention for the first 25 years of our 45 yr marriage, but the empty nest increased her desire for sex. Earning a living consumed my desire. This became an issue about 10 years ago and she became very frustrated in my lack of desire. Because she never really accepted my diagnoses (I had managed to overcome many symptoms by the time I reached my 35th birthday) she first worried that she was no longer attractive or that I was cheating or even that I was a gay man hiding in the marriage closet. This almost led to divorce, but I was able to get out of myself and see the situation from her point of view. Since it did not matter to me whether we had sex or not, I decided to put on my Romantic Mask and persona (only Aspies will understand what I mean by this) and give her what she needed. As an Aspie, I am able to do so unconditionally. I do not need her to reciprocate but must admit I like it when she does. So I would advise other Aspies (especially young men) to use your emotional neutrality to your advantage. Cultivate your own Romantic Persona and be ready to give the performance of your life when she calls for it. You may find it inconvenient but, years later when your NT friends and family members have abandoned you she will still be by your side believing she is your soulmate.

Wow that was very interesting. Thank you.

I'm ashamed to say I once asked if he was secretly gay. Even as I did so I knew I was crossing a line. I also knew that if I told other NT's about my concerns regarding our sex life, that is something they were going to "jokingly" ask esp nowadays when pple are more open to being gay and so on. I also thought maybe I wasn't attractive to him anymore. Because we are different races, one friend who is black like me ( my husband is white) thought it was because he didn't find me attractive anymore because of that. My husband reassured me that was not the case and I believe him.

Your reply was very interesting . Thank you.

 

[Judge]

I'm ashamed to say I once asked if he was secretly gay.

I wish I was paid for every time people in my orbit pondered that thought.

But then I didn't make an ass out of myself with women so easily as did some of my male NT counterparts. Which at times I suspect is what attracted women to me who eventually became friends and then girlfriends.

What? Never saw "Revenge of the Nerds" ?

I also was never the least bit homophobic, spending over a decade working in San Francisco's financial district. Go figure.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I'm not a professional, but I was asked by the local AAS Assn. to facilitate support groups and some potential special events.

You really have to stop focusing on the Asperger's Diagnosis and start communicating together.

I spoke with a husband and wife (both on the Spectrum). The husband stated his issue very succinctly. He said something like, "I am often verbally attacked for not being as specific with my intentions as I should be."

Before I had a chance to address, him ... his partner (who had already dominated a great deal of time speaking of herself and advising others -- incorrectly -- how to handle their own issues ..... spoke up and said, "NO! HE'S NOT EXPLAINING THIS CORRECTLY --> THIS IS WHAT HE MEANS."

She then started listing: "When he leaves the room, he doesn't say when he'll return," or "If he says he needs some time alone, he won't tell me HOW MUCH time he needs .... instead of just going to the store, he'll go to the store and then to the gas station and then to do something else."

As this whole conversation was happening, he sad looking downtrodden and depressed.

When she was through, I asked him if he would like to add anything, and he said, "No." I then suggested, "You are your own person; if you need to leave the room and don't want to explain why, that's up to you."

Of course, I started to hear "BUT I WANT ........ " from the other side.

That's not necessarily just an Aspie issue -- it's a marriage communication issue. Just as your husband wanting to abstain from sex for a month (or whatever) and he doesn't need a reason. Pushing him for one might make him upset or anxious, when he's just feeling overwhelmed in some other aspect of his life.

And, there could be several possibilities.

1. He's too busy (Aspie minds race at seemingly millions of miles per hour).
2. He doesn't want to (Aspie's don't feel (or need) to explain themselves).
3. He may not be as sexual as you and possibly only does it for your pleasure, and he wants a break ....
4. etc.

So, if you can't communicate, you might want to find a counselor or therapist who knows or understands spectrum individuals.

Otherwise, either you are overthinking in your head and writing it here, or you are writing what you need to read with logical/rational eyes, instead of emotional ones.

We are hear for support, but we are not marriage counselors. Marriage itself is extremely difficult, and there are often "extra" issues that need to be dealt with.

With Aspie's, be sure not to use *hints* and expect us to understand.

Just state what's wrong. That's all you have to do. He might not need or want a discussion, but he'll hear your "issue" in his head and it won't go unheeded, but it might not get better. Every Aspie has issues they accept (about themselves or others) and may choose whether or not they are important enough (to them) to address.

Don't expect something important to *you,* to immediately be important to him. He probably thinks the same about you. He might not understand why you are upset, because his social or emotional functioning doesn't give him an opportunity to have or feel or even use those senses.

You can't be held accountable for things you are expected to do but don't understand. Most of us use a lot of logic/reasoning -- and very little emotion. Telling him he should do something because "it's important to [you]," (I'm not saying you are doing such) .... doesn't mean he is going to "honor" your request.

For instance, someone who is morbidly obese doesn't need to be reminded because they know. Telling someone who is morbidly obese that you are not comfortable joining them at a restaurant, is not only cruel, it makes it *your* issue. Not understanding why they don't pick up on your "hint," and be willing to lose weight so YOU are comfortable with them?? Think about it. How would you feel?

 

[ezcare]

Wow that was very interesting. Thank you.

I'm ashamed to say I once asked if he was secretly gay. Even as I did so I knew I was crossing a line. I also knew that if I told other NT's about my concerns regarding our sex life, that is something they were going to "jokingly" ask esp nowadays when pple are more open to being gay and so on. I also thought maybe I wasn't attractive to him anymore. Because we are different races, one friend who is black like me ( my husband is white) thought it was because he didn't find me attractive anymore because of that. My husband reassured me that was not the case and I believe him.

Your reply was very interesting . Thank you.

Thank you for helping NT folks understand that although we Aspies may have a different emotional makeup, we are still very human and bleed the same blood as our NT friends and relatives. While we are not adept at verbalizing our emotions, be assured that what we do express is sincere and trustworthy. And if you happen to experience one of us having a meltdown, please remember that you did not cause it, you can't control it or prevent it. But you can understand that most of the emotions NT people experience are filtered to shield them from thoughts of despair or dangerous euphoria. We lack that ability. The relevance of every event sticks to our soul and demands to be reconciled with our total life experience. For us, the death of a loved one is not just a loss; it is a reminder of every good and bad moment we spent with that person.

 

[Apple28]

I'm not a professional, but I was asked by the local AAS Assn. to facilitate support groups and some potential special events.

You really have to stop focusing on the Asperger's Diagnosis and start communicating together.

I spoke with a husband and wife (both on the Spectrum). The husband stated his issue very succinctly. He said something like, "I am often verbally attacked for not being as specific with my intentions as I should be."

Before I had a chance to address, him ... his partner (who had already dominated a great deal of time speaking of herself and advising others -- incorrectly -- how to handle their own issues ..... spoke up and said, "NO! HE'S NOT EXPLAINING THIS CORRECTLY --> THIS IS WHAT HE MEANS."

She then started listing: "When he leaves the room, he doesn't say when he'll return," or "If he says he needs some time alone, he won't tell me HOW MUCH time he needs .... instead of just going to the store, he'll go to the store and then to the gas station and then to do something else."

As this whole conversation was happening, he sad looking downtrodden and depressed.

When she was through, I asked him if he would like to add anything, and he said, "No." I then suggested, "You are your own person; if you need to leave the room and don't want to explain why, that's up to you."

Of course, I started to hear "BUT I WANT ........ " from the other side.

That's not necessarily just an Aspie issue -- it's a marriage communication issue. Just as your husband wanting to abstain from sex for a month (or whatever) and he doesn't need a reason. Pushing him for one might make him upset or anxious, when he's just feeling overwhelmed in some other aspect of his life.

And, there could be several possibilities.

1. He's too busy (Aspie minds race at seemingly millions of miles per hour).
2. He doesn't want to (Aspie's don't feel (or need) to explain themselves).
3. He may not be as sexual as you and possibly only does it for your pleasure, and he wants a break ....
4. etc.

So, if you can't communicate, you might want to find a counselor or therapist who knows or understands spectrum individuals.

Otherwise, either you are overthinking in your head and writing it here, or you are writing what you need to read with logical/rational eyes, instead of emotional ones.

We are hear for support, but we are not marriage counselors. Marriage itself is extremely difficult, and there are often "extra" issues that need to be dealt with.

With Aspie's, be sure not to use *hints* and expect us to understand.

Just state what's wrong. That's all you have to do. He might not need or want a discussion, but he'll hear your "issue" in his head and it won't go unheeded, but it might not get better. Every Aspie has issues they accept (about themselves or others) and may choose whether or not they are important enough (to them) to address.

Don't expect something important to *you,* to immediately be important to him. He probably thinks the same about you. He might not understand why you are upset, because his social or emotional functioning doesn't give him an opportunity to have or feel or even use those senses.

You can't be held accountable for things you are expected to do but don't understand. Most of us use a lot of logic/reasoning -- and very little emotion. Telling him he should do something because "it's important to [you]," (I'm not saying you are doing such) .... doesn't mean he is going to "honor" your request.

For instance, someone who is morbidly obese doesn't need to be reminded because they know. Telling someone who is morbidly obese that you are not comfortable joining them at a restaurant, is not only cruel, it makes it *your* issue. Not understanding why they don't pick up on your "hint," and be willing to lose weight so YOU are comfortable with them?? Think about it. How would you feel?

Thank you very much for your reply. I totally understand what you are saying as I thought the same looking at other threads.

Because I have known him for seven years, it's been an obersavational thing. I've never perceived him as different or wanting to change him. More of understanding his perception of things better esp when it goes what I would think is "normal".

I'm also very cautious to confining anything to a label esp people because it can limit perception.

I am not looking to "fix"anything. That's why my title is a light bulb moment. I am very happy in our marriage. If something important is not happening as it should it's only natural to want to understand why so that one can see whether to leave it as it is or address it. Sex can be very important for a couple esp if you want to have children.

I'm sorry if anyone is getting the impression that our marriage is in trouble. That is not the case.

Oh on the example of the domineering partner. I have to say one thing I quickly noticed when I started dating my husband was that I could feel his mother always watching me. I in turn told my mom that I think she thinks I'll bully him or drown him out because he's such a sweet person. This was just my intuition. I could FEEL it. It made especially careful to hear him out. I was not going to bully him or drown him out anyway. Not intentionally. But it meant that I was careful to let him have his say esp when he has a side of the story to tell, because yes it can be tempting to think at times oh I know what he actually means or wants. I roll with the ups and downs of that because eventually I've earned his trust to some extent that at times I am reading a situation better than him.

 

[Chris Russell]

I've been with my NT partner for 30 years, and there has always been a barrier between us - we have never really understood each other's worlds, but that hasn't got in the way of loving one another. We just always kept trying. We recently stumbled onto something new that could help us communicate in the same space and promised real understanding... It's been an amazing few months, learning the ropes. I honestly never expected things could change between us, so I've been taken rather by surprise that they have. You might like to read my blog - it tells the story. chris-russell's Blog | Asperger's & Autism Forum
Particularly relevant are the posts called: 'A special sort of kind', 'Stranger in a strange land', and 'An illuminating experience.'
All the best to you both!