Last month was torturous

[Markness]

I tried to do different things last month to change my routine, break out of the vicious cycle I’ve been going through since 2006, and maybe finally find love. The whole month ended up being an odyssey of failure.

I joined a hiking group on Meet Up but inclement weather often cancelled the hiking events. Even when I did go, I haven’t made any new friends despite doing my best to socialize and engage with others. I also stumbled the first time I hiked because I wore the wrong kind of shoes and a branch cut up my ankle.

I volunteered at the museum but hardly got to do anything because the event was competing with a water park relatively close by. Even though a young girl talked to me, she was underage so I couldn’t date her. I was also told I couldn’t volunteer again until the 28th of August because of summer camp programs.

I failed again to participate in First Friday because of I don’t drink or smoke, everyone except for me had company, and the comedy night didn’t take place on the night of the day like I thought it would.

I still don’t have a girlfriend despite my best efforts. I really do fear I am going to continue being this way for the rest of my life. I am turning 33 this week but I don’t have a partner to celebrate my birthday with.

My older brother’s wife had her fifth baby recently and my younger brother’s wife announced her third pregnancy as well while I still can’t even get a coffee date.

I tried to go off a medication and suffered SSRI withdrawal to the point I couldn’t do anything that could potentially help my mind and cried constantly until I got an emergency supply of the medicine I thought I had tapered off of.

I suffered more backstabbing and foot dragging from others. It happened in all sorts of avenues.

My older cousins don’t visit or even message me anymore. Just like year, they probably won’t come to my birthday this week.

I had blood come out of my penis one night.

I keep having nightmares almost every night. One was about my older brother beating me up and gouging my eyes out while a woman watched.

I went back to Austin the first time on my own since before the pandemic but the places I wanted to go to were either closed or no comfortable parking was in sight. Some roads have also been blocked off and I almost got hit by other cars a few times. The experience was very disorienting and overwhelming for my executive function. I just ended up going home. I really wanted to go to an arcade but all the parking spots were full. It was the same with a gothic/industrial music dance club.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe just bad timing right now. Sometimes life hands us horrible things, other times, it gives you perfect timing. Just stay moving forward, and keep trying! Don't give up.

 

[Fino]

Typically, you would try to come off a medication while things have been going well for a while and it doesn't seem to be needed. If you believe everything is going wrong, why did you try coming off an antidepressant?

 

[Au Naturel]

"I tried to go off a medication"

That's a very dangerous thing to do. Requires close supervision by a doctor. If the underlying depression being treated is still there, it will recurr with a vengeance as well as new symptoms developing. Since SSRIs don't kick in instantly, it would be a while before you feel the effects again.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry about the nightmares. Those can really ruin your whole day.

Maybe meds are needed a bit longer since you feel a bit in a slump.

 

[Thinx]

Hi, good to hear how you are doing. How's the group therapy going? it would be a great place to share all this, and hear how others are dealing with things.

Did you talk to the doc about coming off your medication? It can be really tricky to do.

It sounds like you are trying some new ideas, like volunteering, but you'll probably have to persevere, that's certainly been the only way I have succeeded. Keep trying, give it time. A month won't be enough, more like a year, I would think, to start seeing a difference.

 

[Markness]

Hi, good to hear how you are doing. How's the group therapy going? it would be a great place to share all this, and hear how others are dealing with things.

Did you talk to the doc about coming off your medication? It can be really tricky to do.

It sounds like you are trying some new ideas, like volunteering, but you'll probably have to persevere, that's certainly been the only way I have succeeded. Keep trying, give it time. A month won't be enough, more like a year, I would think, to start seeing a difference.

Hi, Thinx. I was worried I was forgotten.

Sadly, the therapy group is falling apart. A lot of people are going inpatient so I won’t be able to see them anymore. It’s always when I lose things I realize I have taken them for granted.

My new psychiatrist wanted me to try a new medication because the old one wasn’t working anymore.

 

[Markness]

Maybe just bad timing right now. Sometimes life hands us horrible things, other times, it gives you perfect timing. Just stay moving forward, and keep trying! Don't give up.

Thank you, Aspychata.

Sorry about the nightmares. Those can really ruin your whole day.

Maybe meds are needed a bit longer since you feel a bit in a slump.

They really do. My therapist thinks I should go on a hike today because it could help my mind.

I am currently on a new medication to replace the old one. That’s partly why I went off the old one.

 

[tree]

A hike?

Not just a walk?

I walk almost every day.
That way my head doesn't turn into a potato.

 

[Markness]

She suggested a walk first and then I brought up the hike since the hiking group meets on Mondays.

I woke up in the wrong stage of sleep this morning after having a nightmare and had an hour long nap after seeing my therapist only to have another nightmare.

 

[tree]

Hiking and walking are very different.
If I have to go off through the woods that's
not the same effect for me as the routine of
walking along the side of the road.

Hiking takes concentration.
Walking, I can let ideas happen in the space
that opens up in my mind.
I write the ideas down, as I walk.

Maybe you could still get out for a walk, even if the
Hiking Group cancels....

 

[Misery]

I joined a hiking group on Meet Up but inclement weather often cancelled the hiking events. Even when I did go, I haven’t made any new friends despite doing my best to socialize and engage with others. I also stumbled the first time I hiked because I wore the wrong kind of shoes and a branch cut up my ankle.

I volunteered at the museum but hardly got to do anything because the event was competing with a water park relatively close by. Even though a young girl talked to me, she was underage so I couldn’t date her. I was also told I couldn’t volunteer again until the 28th of August because of summer camp programs.

I failed again to participate in First Friday because of I don’t drink or smoke, everyone except for me had company, and the comedy night didn’t take place on the night of the day like I thought it would.

With this, keep in mind the current situation: A LOT of events arent working out, everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And, often those that are "working" are just a bloody horrid idea. Like, I found out that some anime conventions are happening now... and, yeah, with the freaking Delta variant? Going to one would be a spectacularly stupid idea even with a vaccine. So I cant do that. And even if that wasnt a problem, all the issues that are still around beyond just that would likely mess up the experience in various ways.

It's okay to try some events as long as you can be 100% sure that they are A: safe, and B: not crowded, but be aware that right now there is no such thing as an event that is guaranteed to work out. All events right now have a rather high chance of breaking down. This will eventually fix itself, but for right now, that's how its happening.

I still don’t have a girlfriend despite my best efforts. I really do fear I am going to continue being this way for the rest of my life. I am turning 33 this week but I don’t have a partner to celebrate my birthday with.

Dagnabit, we've been over this more than once.

I wont repeat myself too much here on this one because you've heard it from me before. You know what I mean, yeah? Come on, now. Gotta stop focusing on this. It'll do the opposite of helping if you do.

I tried to go off a medication and suffered SSRI withdrawal to the point I couldn’t do anything that could potentially help my mind and cried constantly until I got an emergency supply of the medicine I thought I had tapered off of.

Ah.... yeah. This, this bit can be rough. REALLY rough. Gotta be real freaking careful with quitting a medication. Did you ask them how to *specifically* go about it? There's ways to do it right, and ways to do it wrong. Though, even the ways to do it right will present challenges... but doing it wrong will just wreck you. My father had to go through this one fairly recently, put on a very high prescription of Tramadol after surgery. I also have that stuff, my dose is enough to knock over an elephant. They gave him WAY more of a constant dose than I ever had. Needless to say, he had difficulties with it, coming off of it. It is, unfortunately, just how meds go sometimes. Just follow the doctor's orders and be sure to ask questions, I think that's the best advice.

My older cousins don’t visit or even message me anymore. Just like year, they probably won’t come to my birthday this week.

Unfortunately, people drift apart sometimes... it's a thing that just happens. Chances are, everyone here has been through it at least once, including me.

I had blood come out of my penis one night.

Doctor. Go see a doctor. Like, right away.

I keep having nightmares almost every night. One was about my older brother beating me up and gouging my eyes out while a woman watched.

I wonder: Could this be a side effect of going off of the meds? This might be something to ask the doc about.

I went back to Austin the first time on my own since before the pandemic but the places I wanted to go to were either closed or no comfortable parking was in sight. Some roads have also been blocked off and I almost got hit by other cars a few times. The experience was very disorienting and overwhelming for my executive function. I just ended up going home. I really wanted to go to an arcade but all the parking spots were full. It was the same with a gothic/industrial music dance club.

Yeah, some places are chaotic right now. Given what you've told me about what that area is like, hearing this isnt surprising at all. Though, this sort of thing is happening in a lot of areas right now. It's what happens when people have been cooped up too long and are suddenly let out. Irritating, I know.


Honestly you'll get through this. You will. Just keep pushing forward, you can handle it.

 

[Mis-fit]

Well, I must say, I hope you feel better after a month like that. I thought I was the only one to have months like that. I mean I have had so much adversity, it is unbelievable. I struck out on my own to start dating a few years ago. Even went on a hiking meet up, way before the pandemic. It took a few times, maybe 3 months before I met someone who was interested in me. Turns out a year later she had been cheating on me with many other men, left me cold, after twisting her way into my life. I learned that just because you find someone interested in you, doesn't mean it's always a good thing, ugh. I have taken my classic car to repair shops quite a few times only for them to damage it more than it was messed up when I brought it into them, like way more. This last one messed up the electrical system. Now not only can I not drive the car at night, I can't sell it, and no one in their right mind wants to try to fix it because it is a 51 year old car with an electrical problem!!!

I have had my share of getting off meds too. I was taking abilify, 30mg for like 20 years, that girlfriend I had told me I didn't need meds. So I told my doc I wanted to lower it, so he did. And although we tapered it down, I was down to 5 mg in about 6 months, which I later found out was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. I got suicidal, ended back up in a psych hospital. Since then I went back up to 30 immediately, then down to 15mg 6 months later, then down 10mg 6 more months later and I am stable on 10mg, doubt I will get off it though. It makes me kick and twitch at night right before I drift off to sleep and it is hard to get to sleep. I found it is helpful to take extra magnesium, it cuts the kicking and twitching down by 90%.

About a year ago, I was on my way to Walmart. A lady "Drove Into Me" I mean she was not looking, didn't care to look, just drove straight into my truck. I was doing 35 in the turn lane, she just pulled out of a drive way on my left and kept coming until she drove straight into the back of my truck. Her insurance said it was 15% my fault so I didn't get enough money to pay for the repairs and have a huge dent right behind the rear tire now.

I'm 56, never married, rarely dated, and have no friends. I get along with 2 family members, my niece and my nephew. That's it. Everyone else tolerates me to some degree, but I can tell they are not like "Oh boy, I get to see Bob!" NO ONE comes over for my Birthday, hasn't for decades.

So I call my psychiatrist because I recently self-diagnosed Asperger's. He says, usually psychologists diagnose that when people are children. And refused to write me a letter so I could get help from an asperger's place that help's, get this, "Diangose" people with Asperger's. So I can't get a diagnosis to get diagnosed for Asperger's to get any help! I wrote him a letter updating him on Asperger's and told him it is in the DSM 5, and to look it up!

I went to "Easter Seals" for help. Asked if they had any help for people with Asperger's. They said, Oh sure we do, we help with lalalala, tatata, and dadada. We help them learn to stand up for themselves, how to communicate with people, etc. All this great stuff. So I was like where do I sign up? She's like, at the Texas Workforce Commission, you have to go to work at the completion of the program. Well lady, I said, I cannot work, I have 6 disabling conditions any one of which would keep someone from working. So here I am. I found this forum. Hope it helps. I have found more help here than anywhere yet. I am still waiting for that psych to give me a diag letter. Maybe I can get some help then... We'll see. But yeah, it's rough out there.

Bob

 

[Markness]

I really appreciate the replies I’ve gotten. I wish my executive function wasn’t overwhelmed by what I’ve been going through so I could reply more.

 

[Mis-fit]

No problem here. I completely understand. It is bad enough when life throws us a doozy or two, but when there is like 15 of them in a month, it knocks us off our feet, understandably.

I recommend eating nutritious foods, getting plenty of rest, drinking a lot of water, and it will get better. I found cutting out fast food, sugar and caffeine really helped me a lot when I am wiped out. I still eat fast food, sugar and drink caffeine now and then, but when I am wiped out, it really shortens my recovery time if I don't eat/drink that way. Plus when it comes to resting, I found that sometimes just resting 5-10 min can be very helpful, just to like recharge my batteries.

Best wishes,
Bob

 

[oregano]

Caffeine is nasty stuff. Refined sugar too. Both are addictive, sugar is actually chemically analogous to cocaine for dogsakes! Mormon religious law bans caffeine because of its stimulant properties. Anybody who is eating/drinking either needs to stop, sadly it's easier to get help for methamphetamine addiction than sugar addiction.

Anyway, back to the topic, NT's always say "go to bars" or "go to nightclubs/concerts" and for a lot of us it's like going to a torture chamber. I think you're comparing yourself to your brothers and there is a lot of pressure on you to be like them, dunno if it's external or internal. At least with internal pressure you can realize that you are not them, will never be them, will never have the life they lead, and come to terms with it. When you have family saying "you're a loser, your brothers have wives and kids and lives and all you do is watch Japanese cartoons, get a life dummy!" it's a lot harder to deal with. A lot of times moving out is not an option.

 

[Au Naturel]

All things in moderation - including moderation itself.

Caffeine in large quantities or regularly over long periods of time can be addictive. The primary cause of "weekend headaches" is caffeine withdrawal. Large doses of sugar cause a sudden spike which your body works to process. Then the sugar is gone but the sugar processing chemistry is still there, causing blood sugar to drop precipitously. You become tired and weak.

OTOH, there is nothing wrong with a morning cup of coffee, nor is having a pastry with it a bad thing. It is when such things come to dominate your food consumption that they cause problems. If caffeine makes you feel shaky or if sugar leaves you feeling tired, it is time to cut way back.

 

[Mis-fit]

All things in moderation - including moderation itself.

Caffeine in large quantities or regularly over long periods of time can be addictive. The primary cause of "weekend headaches" is caffeine withdrawal. Large doses of sugar cause a sudden spike which your body works to process. Then the sugar is gone but the sugar processing chemistry is still there, causing blood sugar to drop precipitously. You become tired and weak.

OTOH, there is nothing wrong with a morning cup of coffee, nor is having a pastry with it a bad thing. It is when such things come to dominate your food consumption that they cause problems. If caffeine makes you feel shaky or if sugar leaves you feeling tired, it is time to cut way back.

Indeed, I am one to over use caffeine and sugar. I have tried stopping, but it is a huge undertaking. I cut down when I am under "undue" stress, but quitting right now means eating nothing but vegetables, meat and dairy, excluding every product that has sugar. That means every processed food on the market. That is not easy for anyone to do. I have used enough of sugar and caffeine that without it I am a basket case. It takes, I heard, 2 weeks to a month of a complete absence of sugar to recover from the effects to where a person's body no longer needs it to function. I have looked in to the Keto diet, which looks like the best for anti-sugar, it allows like 2-6% of a meals calories to come from carbs, I would have to keep it that low to keep from having my addiction kick in again. No fun. I started drinking Pepsi when I was a kid, now 56, I have consumed thousands of liters of Pepsi and Dr Pepper. No hope for reversing addiction, all I can do now is avoid the stuff completely, or keep it at a moderate level, which I am doing. I hope @Markness is doing okay. Haven't heard back from him in a while.