"Just get over" autism?

[SDRSpark]

I'm self-diagnosed as of less than a year ago, and haven't told most people, so the direct answer is no. But I've had something in a similar vein that's been bugging me, and I'm curious if OP or anyone else has experienced this. Several of the people I've told about my ASD are people who strongly suspected/were certain I was autistic, some to the point of thinking it for many years and even discussing it behind my back. But--as soon as I self-diagnosed, as soon as I claimed the label of ASD--all of a sudden they started hedging with words like "possibly" or "probably", and started expressing doubt and skepticism. This happened after I agreed with the diagnosis they themselves gave me--the only thing that changed was that I claimed ASD for myself instead of having the label thrust on me. True, I'm not formally diagnosed, but no one involved is a medical or psychiatric professional, and I've studied ASD more than the rest of them put together. It both perplexes and irritates me, and I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this or can explain it.

As for the try harder/get over it: One thing I've noticed from discussions of politics, is that a certain type of person will use "personal responsibility" as a way of shutting down a conversation they don't want to have. I think similar applies here. Educating oneself about ASD and the myriad difficulties it poses, and trying to understand people who are fundamentally different, and grappling with the knowledge that there is no cure, and that it's wrong to judge them, is difficult. It's much easier to just blame the other person and feel smug.

"Discussing it behind my back" were these kind and caring discussions? Or were they just being nasty?

If there intent was to hurt you or entertain themselves at your expense, you took the wind out of their sails by claiming the label. You stole their power and they want it back.

 

[Kalinychta]

I'm self-diagnosed as of less than a year ago, and haven't told most people, so the direct answer is no. But I've had something in a similar vein that's been bugging me, and I'm curious if OP or anyone else has experienced this. Several of the people I've told about my ASD are people who strongly suspected/were certain I was autistic, some to the point of thinking it for many years and even discussing it behind my back. But--as soon as I self-diagnosed, as soon as I claimed the label of ASD--all of a sudden they started hedging with words like "possibly" or "probably", and started expressing doubt and skepticism. This happened after I agreed with the diagnosis they themselves gave me--the only thing that changed was that I claimed ASD for myself instead of having the label thrust on me. True, I'm not formally diagnosed, but no one involved is a medical or psychiatric professional, and I've studied ASD more than the rest of them put together. It both perplexes and irritates me, and I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this or can explain it.

As for the try harder/get over it: One thing I've noticed from discussions of politics, is that a certain type of person will use "personal responsibility" as a way of shutting down a conversation they don't want to have. I think similar applies here. Educating oneself about ASD and the myriad difficulties it poses, and trying to understand people who are fundamentally different, and grappling with the knowledge that there is no cure, and that it's wrong to judge them, is difficult. It's much easier to just blame the other person and feel smug.

They probably say that because you haven't been formally diagnosed. I have no doubt that you are autistic, but getting a formal diagnosis really helps you fully understand autism and how it presents in you.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

It must be frustrating/lonely/etc to feel like nobody understands you..

On the other note, I would like to ask members here...

What does a supportive family means? (Accept you for who you are is a vague answer).

For example, let's say an autistic person (autie) said to his/her family member, that the autie feel so stressful during a foreign family gathering, can't adapt to this new place, can't get any friends, lonely, depressed..

Then whatever the family member is suppposed to do?

What if nobody in this country shares his/her special interest? What if there's no therapist hear who can speak his/her language? If the family member wants to introduce somebody to the autie, he/she always dislike it & uncooperative - maybe because of the environment or stranger etc.

.. So whatever the family member is supposed to do..? The family member also is not perfect, has his/her own problem to handle, and feels tired too.. Nobody can give perfect/unlimited 'support'..

What does support mean actually...?

 

[Streetwise]

It must be frustrating/lonely/etc to feel like nobody understands you..

On the other note, I would like to ask members here...

What does a supportive family means? (Accept you for who you are is a vague answer).

For example, let's say an autistic person (autie) said to his/her family member, that the autie feel so stressful during a foreign family gathering, can't adapt to this new place, can't get any friends, lonely, depressed..

Then whatever the family member is suppposed to do?

What if nobody in this country shares his/her special interest? What if there's no therapist hear who can speak his/her language? If the family member wants to introduce somebody to the autie, he/she always dislike it & uncooperative - maybe because of the environment or stranger etc.

.. So whatever the family member is supposed to do..? The family member also is not perfect, has his/her own problem to handle, and feels tired too.. Nobody can give perfect/unlimited 'support'..

What does support mean actually...?

It meant everything to me ,I remember somebody talking about me when I was a child and saying my relationship with my mother was unnatural She was my best friend,I don’t think the autism bothered her as much as the depression did ,she just couldn’t cure the depression .The day she died I was so affected!, I came home and I literally felt like I’d come out of myself and I was standing beside myself ,I’ve never felt like that since

 

[Bolletje]

What does support mean actually...?

Although my dad has trouble acknowledging my autism and previous depressions, he has tried to be as supportive as possible during my current depression. He keeps inviting me to go on outings - walks through the forest, mountainbike trips, playing tennis or golf together - and he recently told me that if I think it would help me, he would go into retirement early and take me on a trip around the world to get me out of my rut.
My mom and I regularly meet for lunch or drinks to talk about things. She also wants to take me on a trip to shift my perspective a little.
I don’t want to travel at this time (I get anxious going to the supermarket alone) but I really appreciate how hard they’re trying.

 

[Alexej]

People have accused me of being "quiet" my whole life, too. As though not participating in their meaningless jabber is somehow odd. ...

That's ironic about your mother-in-law. She criticizes you for not talking enough but then tells you to shut up when you do try to talk. I guess by "talking" she means talking about what SHE wants you to talk about, not what you want to talk about.

I recognise all to well the desire to be quiet and not talk for the sake of filling the silence.
Also, only talking about what an older person want to talk about is a very familiar pattern. I speak from the point of view of living with my 92 year old father in law. So long as we stay on the subject he want to talk about that is fine.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Although my dad has trouble acknowledging my autism and previous depressions, he has tried to be as supportive as possible during my current depression. He keeps inviting me to go on outings - walks through the forest, mountainbike trips, playing tennis or golf together - and he recently told me that if I think it would help me, he would go into retirement early and take me on a trip around the world to get me out of my rut.
My mom and I regularly meet for lunch or drinks to talk about things. She also wants to take me on a trip to shift my perspective a little.
I don’t want to travel at this time (I get anxious going to the supermarket alone) but I really appreciate how hard they’re trying.

You three are such a wonderful family. Glad to hear that your situation related with your family gets better. You almost made me cry when you said your dad would even retire earlier for you, and when you honestly mention that you dont want to travel yet, but you really appreciate their effort.

I'm just wondering, what do you feel when your dad invites you to outings? Do you dislike the idea, tired of it, or are you happy being invited but dont go, or you happily go, or.. ?

Your experience might be a great hint for me & other people too.. Thanks a lot for sharing. I wish you nice days today & in the future.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm just wondering, what do you feel when your dad invites you to outings? Do you dislike the idea, tired of it, or are you happy being invited but dont go, or you happily go, or.. ?

I often feel a little guilty because I love the idea and appreciate the effort but I don’t really feel like leaving the house. The guilt often makes me say yes, which is good because I often end up enjoying these outings and I know my dad likes feeling like he can do something for me, so it’s win-win in the end.
Your post made me appreciate what I have, so I just invited my dad to go to a concert with me next month. I know how much he wants to connect with me and how difficult that can be at times, so I want to make an effort too.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I often feel a little guilty because I love the idea and appreciate the effort but I don’t really feel like leaving the house. The guilt often makes me say yes, which is good because I often end up enjoying these outings and I know my dad likes feeling like he can do something for me, so it’s win-win in the end.
Your post made me appreciate what I have, so I just invited my dad to go to a concert with me next month. I know how much he wants to connect with me and how difficult that can be at times, so I want to make an effort too.

You're such a kind person. I guess your dad must be really happy to get invited by you.. So sweet

I can understand your guilty feeling about that.. I often feel similar. Feel happy getting invited, but getting out feels like lots of preparation need to be done.. But when we go along with the invitation, it always end up although might be tiring (depends) but kinda great, like living life

By the way, I really like how you're approaching this & how you mention it. You are honest about your feelings/opinion, but very appreciative and kind. So lovely & admirable

 

[Bolletje]

You're such a kind person. I guess your dad must be really happy to get invited by you.. So sweet

I can understand your guilty feeling about that.. I often feel similar. Feel happy getting invited, but getting out feels like lots of preparation need to be done.. But when we go along with the invitation, it always end up although might be tiring (depends) but kinda great, like living life

By the way, I really like how you're approaching this & how you mention it. You are honest about your feelings/opinion, but very appreciative and kind. So lovely & admirable

To be honest, it took a lot of time to get there. My dad was not supportive during my previous depression, I quit med school back then because I was severely depressed, suicidal and borderline psychotic and he was so disappointed and upset at what he thought was me throwing away my career that he told me he couldn’t be around me anymore. He completely cut me off. It caused a big rift in our family, because my mom kept meeting me in secret.
After a few months of therapy, when I was doing better, I just showed up at their house and decided to restore contact. It was very fragile and awkward for a while, but I thought I’d be the bigger person and forgive him. It took well over a year to feel comfortable again. In the end I went back to med school and finished my degree on my own terms. He’s since expressed regret over how much our relationship has suffered from that episode and how he wants to do it right this time around. I still feel pain over what happened back then, but I forgive him because he’s just a human being and we all make mistakes. If we dwell on the past we won’t grow as people. I love my dad despite his faults.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

"Discussing it behind my back" were these kind and caring discussions? Or were they just being nasty?

If there intent was to hurt you or entertain themselves at your expense, you took the wind out of their sails by claiming the label. You stole their power and they want it back.

I'd agree, except from what I was told, and from my knowledge of/relationship with the people involved, it probably wasn't malicious. That makes it more confusing for me, although I'm grateful they've been mostly caring and supportive. Tbh I think some of them have just written it off as just me being silly, and are choosing to ignore it, but I'll take what I can get.

They probably say that because you haven't been formally diagnosed. I have no doubt that you are autistic, but getting a formal diagnosis really helps you fully understand autism and how it presents in you.

I know the lack of formal diagnosis is part of it, but it still doesn't add up, because none of those involved (including me) are qualified to formally diagnose. They interacted with me and observed me over a period of time and came to a conclusion. After one of them explicitly voiced suspicion that I was on the spectrum, I took a hard look at myself and did a lot of research and came to that same conclusion. But as soon as I voiced agreement, suddenly they're trying to hedge... bah. I'm probably wasting my time looking for logic in this. (One amusing note--the only person who accepted without batting an eye, I'm pretty sure is also on the spectrum.)

At any rate, my family is kind of a mixed bag (aren't they all?), but I think I got lucky overall. I'm sorry yours is giving you trouble. I've been there with the whole depression and anxiety and executive dysfunction, tbh I never leave those behind. Just keep surviving, and try to find ways to thrive.

 

[Kalinychta]

I know the lack of formal diagnosis is part of it, but it still doesn't add up, because none of those involved (including me) are qualified to formally diagnose. They interacted with me and observed me over a period of time and came to a conclusion. After one of them explicitly voiced suspicion that I was on the spectrum, I took a hard look at myself and did a lot of research and came to that same conclusion. But as soon as I voiced agreement, suddenly they're trying to hedge... bah. I'm probably wasting my time looking for logic in this. (One amusing note--the only person who accepted without batting an eye, I'm pretty sure is also on the spectrum.)

At any rate, my family is kind of a mixed bag (aren't they all?), but I think I got lucky overall. I'm sorry yours is giving you trouble. I've been there with the whole depression and anxiety and executive dysfunction, tbh I never leave those behind. Just keep surviving, and try to find ways to thrive.

Do they behave that way in general or just as far as your autism goes?

Dude, is your avatar Raputin?

 

[Bronzelincolns]

I tell people like that to kick rocks.

I actually have gotten over it by getting over them.

 

[Kalinychta]

I actually have gotten over it by getting over them.

HAHAHA!! Classic!

 

[anxiety247]

What you describe might as well be part of the diagnostic criteria, it's so common. Those who have not had such experiences may well be in the minority.

That may well be changing as awareness has grown and acceptance slowly takes root, but it will never be gone.
The same applies to gay and trans people. They have often faced families in denial and been mistreated in similar ways.

Yes it hurts whilst you let it do so. There's only two effective ways to deal with it that I know of. Keep plugging at it till you get through to them or hit life's delete key and edit them out of your life. If something causes you constant pain you stop doing it, and if that cause happens to be exposure to certain people, don't have contact with them. Once you're free of them you realise how overrated "family" is as a concept. A good, productive, supportive family bond is a valuable entity, but a corrosive family dynamic is like acid to the soul.

Note: I havent told anyone about having aspergers and I know there may be a chance that someone may treat me better if they knew but...

I completely agree with deleting people out of your life if you have to. I try to avoid being around my sister because I get depressed for a few days after I’m around her. Other family members try to get us to spend time with each other but I’ve tried and I just can’t deal with it.

Would she treat me better if she knew I have aspergers? Maybe or maybe not. But I’m already willing to keep avoiding if need be.

All it takes is to have at least one person to support you, and then at least you have someone to talk to during these times.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

Dude, is your avatar Raputin?

Yep. Specifically, a Type O Negative album cover featuring Rasputin. I love Type O and find Rasputin interesting, so I used it for avatar.

 

[Kalinychta]

Note: I havent told anyone about having aspergers and I know there may be a chance that someone may treat me better if they knew but...

I completely agree with deleting people out of your life if you have to. I try to avoid being around my sister because I get depressed for a few days after I’m around her. Other family members try to get us to spend time with each other but I’ve tried and I just can’t deal with it.

Would she treat me better if she knew I have aspergers? Maybe or maybe not. But I’m already willing to keep avoiding if need be.

All it takes is to have at least one person to support you, and then at least you have someone to talk to during these times.

Very true. I think your post pretty much sums it up. People sometimes just fail us. That’s all there is to it. C’est la vie...

 

[Nomen Dubium]

My family denies the existence of all mental illness, using a religion called Christian Science. When they were told of my diagnoses, they disagreed with the therapist explaining it. They ignore everything, all symptoms and signs, and when it's forced upon them, such as when I've attempted suicide, they say it's because I'm "tired," then they insist I'm better once I'm out of the hospital.

Minus the religion, my family's level of denial was similar. Because I'm not officially diagnosed as autistic yet (beyond Klinefelter's Syndrome, which has some shared symptoms) I was always being blamed for things I was doing that were outside their accepted norms. My mother was a glass-technology scientist. My dad was a specialist welder working on power stations, oil rigs, etc. And there I was, struggling to tell the time, do basic mathematics, communicate and socialise... clearly it was all my fault, as far as they were concerned. So every time I failed, they blamed me for it. The one and only time they took me to see a child psychologist he made it even worse. I don't blame him for missing the KS diagnosis, because you need a blood test to spot that, but I do blame him for the part where he more or less told my mother "there's nothing wrong with him; he's just doing it for the attention", because this 'official source' did nothing else except confirm all their biases and give them a green light to carry on the same way.

Family ignorance can be a heck of a mountain to climb, and I haven't summited yet.

 

[Nomen Dubium]

I have a cousin who truly believes that all human behavior boils down to attitude alone. That "can't means won't". That there's no such thing as any trait or behavior being neurologically "hard-wired" to prevent one from changing who and what they are.

Just another person who doesn't have a clue about this and probably thinks that self-help gurus like Wayne Dyer can talk one out of being autistic. Ridiculous, but there you have it.

Your cousin is a jerk.

 

[Judge]

Your cousin is a jerk.

Worse, she spent some 20 years in the health insurance industry. You'd think in such terms she'd know better, but she doesn't. A glaring example of why one should be very careful about who they tell that you are on the spectrum of autism. Where their reaction and response may break your heart.