"Just get over" autism?

[Fino]

Minus the religion, my family's level of denial was similar. Because I'm not officially diagnosed as autistic yet (beyond Klinefelter's Syndrome, which has some shared symptoms) I was always being blamed for things I was doing that were outside their accepted norms. My mother was a glass-technology scientist. My dad was a specialist welder working on power stations, oil rigs, etc. And there I was, struggling to tell the time, do basic mathematics, communicate and socialise... clearly it was all my fault, as far as they were concerned. So every time I failed, they blamed me for it. The one and only time they took me to see a child psychologist he made it even worse. I don't blame him for missing the KS diagnosis, because you need a blood test to spot that, but I do blame him for the part where he more or less told my mother "there's nothing wrong with him; he's just doing it for the attention", because this 'official source' did nothing else except confirm all their biases and give them a green light to carry on the same way.

Family ignorance can be a heck of a mountain to climb, and I haven't summited yet.

"doing it for the attention" was a popular line in my family. Now that I've gained the awareness, confidence, and ability to articulately respond to any silly comments like that, it's all stopped entirely and I'm allowed to be my "weird" self. But that didn't happen until my early twenties. I have to regularly talk away rising feelings of resentment and focus on the fact that it's better now. Is your family any better now that you're older?

 

[Kalinychta]

Worse, she spent some 20 years in the health insurance industry. You'd think in such terms she'd know better, but she doesn't. A glaring example of why one should be very careful about who they tell that you are on the spectrum of autism. Where their reaction and response may break your heart.

My sister just graduated from nursing school and works in an ER. A friend of hers, also a nurse, who had a rough childhood, agreed with the “mental illness is a choice” crap. It’s really scary. People in healthcare need to be trained in this area, not to mention in empathy, compassion, and humility. I should tell my sister to take her friend down to the psychiatric wing of the hospital and, in the presence of a social worker and a psychiatrist, inform the patients that their suffering is their fault and their choice. It’s astounding when people who are uninformed and unqualified make sweeping generalizations about the other 7.5 billion people on the planet, all based on their own individual subjective experiences.

 

[Kalinychta]

Your cousin is a jerk.

Quite to the point. Ha!!!

 

[SDRSpark]

Worse, she spent some 20 years in the health insurance industry. You'd think in such terms she'd know better, but she doesn't. A glaring example of why one should be very careful about who they tell that you are on the spectrum of autism. Where their reaction and response may break your heart.

Sometimes the people who you would really expect to know better are the worst offenders, for some reason. I suspect in many cases it's because people in those sorts of positions think they're 'experts' and are less likely to consider that they might be wrong.

 

[A.Need.For.Understanding]

I know this does not speak to your question but I wanted to offer my story that might give you and others hope that not everyone believes Asperger's/Autism is something that can be managed with a pill or an affirmation or whatever else you have been told to "fix your problem". It's not a problem, its classified as a disorder and needs more research, understanding and compassion. I am a social worker and work with the geriatric population. We don't see many folks with a diagnoses of Asperger's or Autism...it has yet to be identified in the older adult population. With that said, I fell in love with someone who has Asperger's. He did not come right out and tell me but in hindsight I believe he dropped hints along the way. He once said his ex thought he had it and his son was dx'd at three years old. I just didn't see it because I didn't know. With that said, I loved him with my whole heart. His charm, his beautiful smile, his corny and immature jokes and all of the quirky behavior I did not understand but accepted, because I loved him. What was difficult were the outbursts (not directed at me) but related to work issues, his kids and ex-wife. He could not problem solve what to me seemed like simple solutions but honestly, I appreciated he asked me for my help and I enjoyed helping him. We never fought or argued but the communication was just not there nor was the emotional connection I craved. However, I still loved him and continued to believe we were in it together, forever. After one year he broke up with me. He had too much stress in his life (work, kids, ex and then me) and I was the one that had to go. Two hours after ending our relationship he texted me with things that were happening in the neighborhood as I sat in my living room feeling shattered, broken-hearted and confused. I have since learned more about Asperger's since that time and am by no means an expert but I will say this. Had I known from the start he was on the spectrum I would have committed myself to learning more about the disorder and tried to work on things from a different angle or perspective; that would have been easier on him and in the end easier on us. I still hurt, I still love him but I was not someone he could be with any longer. I hate this expression but "it is what it is." With all that said. I just want you all to know that there are people who can and will accept you. We (those who do not have Asperger's or Autisim) just need to be educated, learn more about the disorder and how to work together to try and make relationships work. It is possible.

 

[Kalinychta]

I know this does not speak to your question but I wanted to offer my story that might give you and others hope that not everyone believes Asperger's/Autism is something that can be managed with a pill or an affirmation or whatever else you have been told to "fix your problem". It's not a problem, its classified as a disorder and needs more research, understanding and compassion. I am a social worker and work with the geriatric population. We don't see many folks with a diagnoses of Asperger's or Autism...it has yet to be identified in the older adult population. With that said, I fell in love with someone who has Asperger's. He did not come right out and tell me but in hindsight I believe he dropped hints along the way. He once said his ex thought he had it and his son was dx'd at three years old. I just didn't see it because I didn't know. With that said, I loved him with my whole heart. His charm, his beautiful smile, his corny and immature jokes and all of the quirky behavior I did not understand but accepted, because I loved him. What was difficult were the outbursts (not directed at me) but related to work issues, his kids and ex-wife. He could not problem solve what to me seemed like simple solutions but honestly, I appreciated he asked me for my help and I enjoyed helping him. We never fought or argued but the communication was just not there nor was the emotional connection I craved. However, I still loved him and continued to believe we were in it together, forever. After one year he broke up with me. He had too much stress in his life (work, kids, ex and then me) and I was the one that had to go. Two hours after ending our relationship he texted me with things that were happening in the neighborhood as I sat in my living room feeling shattered, broken-hearted and confused. I have since learned more about Asperger's since that time and am by no means an expert but I will say this. Had I known from the start he was on the spectrum I would have committed myself to learning more about the disorder and tried to work on things from a different angle or perspective; that would have been easier on him and in the end easier on us. I still hurt, I still love him but I was not someone he could be with any longer. I hate this expression but "it is what it is." With all that said. I just want you all to know that there are people who can and will accept you. We (those who do not have Asperger's or Autisim) just need to be educated, learn more about the disorder and how to work together to try and make relationships work. It is possible.

I might at some point recommend that my sister visit the psychiatric unit of the hospital she works in (she just got her nursing license and works in an ER) and, in the presence of a social worker (like you) and a psychiatrist, inform the patients there that their mental illness is their choice and their fault and even people who have disorders like autism are just lazy and making excuses. How fast would the social worker and psychiatrist yank her out of the room and tell her she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about? The statistics vary, but I've read that 20-70% of autistics at some point experience clinical depression. And of course, depression changes your brain, making it more difficult to get well, especially after years and years of it.

Everyone's responses to my post have helped so much. My sister is ignorant about mental illness and autism, which I can understand, but what I can't understand or accept is her disinterest in doing even five minutes of research on the subject rather than obstinately continuing to hold erroneous and callous views on the matter.

Your story about your ex-boyfriend is really sad to me. I'm so sorry. Getting your heart broken is truly one of the most painful things in life. Do you think the man felt the same way about you but just couldn't connect because of his autism? Do you still talk to him? Relationships so often end in bitterness and anger, so it's admirable that you've accepted it so graciously and with such understanding. That takes strength. It kind of sounds like he became overwhelmed with everything going on. That happens to me a lot. Too often in my life I've sounded the retreat when I've taken on "too much" (which to most people would not seem like too much at all) and have abruptly ended friendships or dropped out of social engagements, etc. because I just couldn't handle all of the stimulation and energy it took to keep at it all. This might be what happened with your ex-boyfriend? I don't know if you want to go this road, but it's possible that at some point he could be ready for a real relationship with you...but then again, the next time he reaches overload, he might push you away again. It's a heck of a situation, that's for sure.

 

[A.Need.For.Understanding]

I might at some point recommend that my sister visit the psychiatric unit of the hospital she works in (she just got her nursing license and works in an ER) and, in the presence of a social worker (like you) and a psychiatrist, inform the patients there that their mental illness is their choice and their fault and even people who have disorders like autism are just lazy and making excuses. How fast would the social worker and psychiatrist yank her out of the room and tell her she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about? The statistics vary, but I've read that 20-70% of autistics at some point experience clinical depression. And of course, depression changes your brain, making it more difficult to get well, especially after years and years of it.

Everyone's responses to my post have helped so much. My sister is ignorant about mental illness and autism, which I can understand, but what I can't understand or accept is her disinterest in doing even five minutes of research on the subject rather than obstinately continuing to hold erroneous and callous views on the matter.

Your story about your ex-boyfriend is really sad to me. I'm so sorry. Getting your heart broken is truly one of the most painful things in life. Do you think the man felt the same way about you but just couldn't connect because of his autism? Do you still talk to him? Relationships so often end in bitterness and anger, so it's admirable that you've accepted it so graciously and with such understanding. That takes strength. It kind of sounds like he became overwhelmed with everything going on. That happens to me a lot. Too often in my life I've sounded the retreat when I've taken on "too much" (which to most people would not seem like too much at all) and have abruptly ended friendships or dropped out of social engagements, etc. because I just couldn't handle all of the stimulation and energy it took to keep at it all. This might be what happened with your ex-boyfriend? I don't know if you want to go this road, but it's possible that at some point he could be ready for a real relationship with you...but then again, the next time he reaches overload, he might push you away again. It's a heck of a situation, that's for sure.

 

[A.Need.For.Understanding]

I might at some point recommend that my sister visit the psychiatric unit of the hospital she works in (she just got her nursing license and works in an ER) and, in the presence of a social worker (like you) and a psychiatrist, inform the patients there that their mental illness is their choice and their fault and even people who have disorders like autism are just lazy and making excuses. How fast would the social worker and psychiatrist yank her out of the room and tell her she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about? The statistics vary, but I've read that 20-70% of autistics at some point experience clinical depression. And of course, depression changes your brain, making it more difficult to get well, especially after years and years of it.

Everyone's responses to my post have helped so much. My sister is ignorant about mental illness and autism, which I can understand, but what I can't understand or accept is her disinterest in doing even five minutes of research on the subject rather than obstinately continuing to hold erroneous and callous views on the matter.

Your story about your ex-boyfriend is really sad to me. I'm so sorry. Getting your heart broken is truly one of the most painful things in life. Do you think the man felt the same way about you but just couldn't connect because of his autism? Do you still talk to him? Relationships so often end in bitterness and anger, so it's admirable that you've accepted it so graciously and with such understanding. That takes strength. It kind of sounds like he became overwhelmed with everything going on. That happens to me a lot. Too often in my life I've sounded the retreat when I've taken on "too much" (which to most people would not seem like too much at all) and have abruptly ended friendships or dropped out of social engagements, etc. because I just couldn't handle all of the stimulation and energy it took to keep at it all. This might be what happened with your ex-boyfriend? I don't know if you want to go this road, but it's possible that at some point he could be ready for a real relationship with you...but then again, the next time he reaches overload, he might push you away again. It's a heck of a situation, that's for sure.

 

[A.Need.For.Understanding]

It is so interesting to me, that the very thing those with Asperger's and Autism are often said to lack (at least from my limited understanding) is empathy, and yet your sister (from what you have described) is exhibiting a lack of the same. It is painful when we want to be understood and yet those close to us, be it relative or other, do not hold the capacity to understand. My wish for you is that you will be able to experience healing around this hurt and pain.

Thank-you for your kind works regarding the break-up. It has only been two months and the wound is very tender. Hindsight is 20/20 but I see now that relationships are a big challenge for him. Unfortunately his brothers tease him about this but that is their lack of understanding. I love him, I always will but I honestly cannot go through this heartbreak with him all over again and I fear it might happen should there be a reconciliation. At some point I hope we can have a friendship but I am in "heart protection" mode.

I wish I had some words of wisdom regarding your sister's disinterest and what sounds like judgement toward your disorder. Change will only happen for her when she is ready and unfortunately she may never get to that place. I will hope for the former.

Thank-you for your original post; for being honest, brave and vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Reading through the posts has helped me too.

 

[Kalinychta]

It is so interesting to me, that the very thing those with Asperger's and Autism are often said to lack (at least from my limited understanding) is empathy, and yet your sister (from what you have described) is exhibiting a lack of the same. It is painful when we want to be understood and yet those close to us, be it relative or other, do not hold the capacity to understand. My wish for you is that you will be able to experience healing around this hurt and pain.

Thank-you for your kind works regarding the break-up. It has only been two months and the wound is very tender. Hindsight is 20/20 but I see now that relationships are a big challenge for him. Unfortunately his brothers tease him about this but that is their lack of understanding. I love him, I always will but I honestly cannot go through this heartbreak with him all over again and I fear it might happen should there be a reconciliation. At some point I hope we can have a friendship but I am in "heart protection" mode.

I wish I had some words of wisdom regarding your sister's disinterest and what sounds like judgement toward your disorder. Change will only happen for her when she is ready and unfortunately she may never get to that place. I will hope for the former.

Thank-you for your original post; for being honest, brave and vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Reading through the posts has helped me too.

I listened to a radio interview the other day with the man (I forgot his name) who runs a school for autistic children in Portland, and he said that in all his years of researching and working with autistics, he has never once come across one who lacks empathy. Quite the contrary, he said, we (autistics) tend to feel more deeply than "normal" people. My capacity for empathy is so prodigious that at times it's crippling. When I see someone (human or animal) in pain (especially emotional pain), I can't handle it; I feel what they feel, and in general I'd say that this trait has caused great damage in my life because I take the pain and suffering in the world into myself.

But anyway, those who may appear to lack empathy I think just process their emotions and emotional reactions in a different way than most. They also may be confused or clueless as to decorum (e.g. your ex breaking up with you and then texting you later that day to chat about his neighbors) or in how you want them to react (maybe your ex thought that chatting with you would make you feel better).

Your story about your ex-boyfriend should have its own thread, specifically about why autistic people can be so dysfunctional in relationships! It would be interesting to hear what others think about this e.g. what they need in relationships, how they compromise, what type of support and understanding they need from their partners, how they communicate their needs/wants, etc. This could be really, really helpful to people like you and to autistic people I would think.

I hope you heal from your breakup soon. It's a heavy yet empty feeling, having a broken heart.

 

[SDRSpark]

I listened to a radio interview the other day with the man (I forgot his name) who runs a school for autistic children in Portland, and he said that in all his years of researching and working with autistics, he has never once come across one who lacks empathy. Quite the contrary, he said, we (autistics) tend to feel more deeply than "normal" people. My capacity for empathy is so prodigious that at times it's crippling. When I see someone (human or animal) in pain (especially emotional pain), I can't handle it; I feel what they feel, and in general I'd say that this trait has caused great damage in my life because I take the pain and suffering in the world into myself.

But anyway, those who may appear to lack empathy I think just process their emotions and emotional reactions in a different way than most. They also may be confused or clueless as to decorum (e.g. your ex breaking up with you and then texting you later that day to chat about his neighbors) or in how you want them to react (maybe your ex thought that chatting with you would make you feel better).

Your story about your ex-boyfriend should have its own thread, specifically about why autistic people can be so dysfunctional in relationships! It would be interesting to hear what others think about this e.g. what they need in relationships, how they compromise, what type of support and understanding they need from their partners, how they communicate their needs/wants, etc. This could be really, really helpful to people like you and to autistic people I would think.

I hope you heal from your breakup soon. It's a heavy yet empty feeling, having a broken heart.

The concept of empathy is interesting to me. I definitely feel a lot of pain for others' suffering, much moreso if it's someone I'm close to (not so much for strangers thankfully! ) and like you, it's gotten me in my share of trouble.

But I have a hard time understanding what people are feeling without having some experience to draw from, and I find it difficult to read facial expressions etc unless they're obvious. There are some things I just don't seem to have capacity to empathize with because I don't have the experience....it's not innate.

I suspect, but have been unable to confirm (I can't figure out the correct search terms lol) that "empathy" in a strict sense means having an understanding of what others are feeling...it has little to do with caring, or not - so I definitely feel pain when someone I care about especially is in pain, but to me that shared feeling is learned through experience. And I care about that person so their pain affects me strongly.

Without that "experience bank" to draw from though, I care, but I'm utterly clueless.

I also strongly suspect, but have been unable to confirm, that "empathy" is colloquially used to loosely mean being upset when someone else is upset, or caring about someone, and a lack of empathy is seen as being uncaring.