"Just get over" autism?

[WildCat]

It's probably best to keep any so-called dirty laundry to yourself unless you're absolutely sure the other person will be willing to understand. My being on the spectrum is nobody else's business and will continue to be nobody else's business for many of the reasons being listed here and then some.

Nobody can truly "get over it", sure, but much like a lot of people here and elsewhere I've adapted, changed my tactics and learned some useful tricks along the way (like the middle finger, for example - it's pretty potent). That's about the best I can do.

 

[Mia]

My question is this: has anyone here ever had to defend themselves or "justify" their autistic tendencies/behaviors to people who don't have a clue what it's like? Have you been told to just get over it, that your struggles and symptoms are a voluntary choice, and that you're to blame if you can't "just get over it"?

That's the difficulty really, the biological family, all of whom present with various autistic traits are from the school of 'just get over it.' It's more a question of 'do what I say,' rather than 'do what I do.' As they have meltdowns, or become nonverbal, or disappear behind closed doors, or they rock and stim. None are aware or cognizant of their own traits, with the exception of one, whom they marginalize as strange.

They have all drowned their difficulties in alcohol. Rather than understand them. So if you are anxious, depressed, unable to to cope with groups of people or ambient noise, then that is your own problem, one that you need to hide from others and from the general public. Hence the use of alcohol, to fit in and numb the difficulties. All the while, not understanding them as I watch siblings slowly self medicate over decades, into a pit of self-loathing.

They don't listen or understand and we all have similar traits. I had no choice years ago but to cut off contact.

 

[Judge]

I have a cousin who truly believes that all human behavior boils down to attitude alone. That "can't means won't". That there's no such thing as any trait or behavior being neurologically "hard-wired" to prevent one from changing who and what they are.

Just another person who doesn't have a clue about this and probably thinks that self-help gurus like Wayne Dyer can talk one out of being autistic. Ridiculous, but there you have it.

 

[Aspychata]

Really like reading this and it felt spot on. l feel like a delayed person. Feel like l am waiting for the light to come on and the static in my brain will be gone. It's not like l want to be lazy, l just need boatloads of time to process things and filter. Then l need time to deprogram myself from the garabage emotions. We spend a lot of recycling emotions until we are on autopilot but the time and need are infinite and required overtime on this, we are then called lazy because we are in a galactic war with our thoughts. That alone will get you declared as a cat lady. There are no meds or therapy for this, maybe bleach smoothies. Just joking, don't hit me up on this. If the universe could grant me 10 extra hours a day, l could do it and clean too.

 

[Streetwise]

Really like reading this and it felt spot on. l feel like a delayed person. Feel like l am waiting for the light to come on and the static in my brain will be gone. It's not like l want to be lazy, l just need boatloads of time to process things and filter. Then l need time to deprogram myself from the garabage emotions. We spend a lot of recycling emotions until we are on autopilot but the time and need are infinite and required overtime on this, we are then called lazy because we are in a galactic war with our thoughts. That alone will get you declared as a cat lady. There are no meds or therapy for this, maybe bleach smoothies. Just joking, don't hit me up on this. If the universe could grant me 10 extra hours a day, l could do it and clean too.

just to be clear I put funny for the and clean too

 

[SDRSpark]

Oh yes. My biggest struggle is with perseveration (I learned that word thanks to this forum!) It got me an OCD diagnosis, but since I don't have compulsions (at least not in a form that I recognize) and I don't think the OCD diagnosis is 100% correct. I suspect autism explains it better. At any rate...

People have told me to "just think about something else". Or that "I'm concerned that you're obsessed". (I cannot calmly explain anything when faced with this accusation. My response was "Well DUH!!!!!!!!!!!! I have OCD! Of course I'm obsessed!!!!!!!")

That's the short version, this was recent, and I'm still seeing red over this one. The other party in that conversation is no longer my friend, for this and numerous other reasons.

 

[SDRSpark]

Really like reading this and it felt spot on. l feel like a delayed person. Feel like l am waiting for the light to come on and the static in my brain will be gone. It's not like l want to be lazy, l just need boatloads of time to process things and filter. Then l need time to deprogram myself from the garabage emotions. We spend a lot of recycling emotions until we are on autopilot but the time and need are infinite and required overtime on this, we are then called lazy because we are in a galactic war with our thoughts. That alone will get you declared as a cat lady. There are no meds or therapy for this, maybe bleach smoothies. Just joking, don't hit me up on this. If the universe could grant me 10 extra hours a day, l could do it and clean too.

Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much. I need a LOT of time to process things, and the more complicated they are, the more time I need. I get a lot of info all at once that doesn't make sense, and I can't just let it lie and forget about it if I feel like understanding it is important. But it takes a long time, months, years even, to pick things apart and make sense of them.

 

[Ronja]

This topic is exactly why my long term relationship of 21 years is about to collapse. Husband thinks I can "educate myself" out of autism/autistic behaviour and that by not doing so I do not care about him or the relationship. He "trained himself" out of a lot of issues and resents me for not doing the same. I cannot seem to get him to understand that I am not doing this deliberately, that I really do not know how and where to start or what to do. He wants me to be more passionate about life, have a goal in life, but just living it is difficult enough, especially with two ASD/ADHD boys to take care of.

 

[Aspychata]

This topic is exactly why my long term relationship of 21 years is about to collapse. Husband thinks I can "educate myself" out of autism/autistic behaviour and that by not doing so I do not care about him or the relationship. He "trained himself" out of a lot of issues and resents me for not doing the same. I cannot seem to get him to understand that I am not doing this deliberately, that I really do not know how and where to start or what to do. He wants me to be more passionate about life, have a goal in life, but just living it is difficult enough, especially with two ASD/ADHD boys to take care of.

I think your priorities and passion are the two boys you brought here, but men don't basically get how time consuming raising kids are. It seems that you have plenty of passion and goals and those boys are blessed to have you as their mom.

 

[Bolletje]

My parents initially told me to stop talking about being on the spectrum because there’s nothing wrong with me. That hurt.
My mom has mostly come around, because she sees that my journey of self-discovery (as lame as that sounds) has really helped me to be a more happy and well adjusted person. My dad is a little harder to convince. I think he’s still hoping that if he wants me to be normal hard enough, I’ll turn out to be that way. I’ve accepted that that’s the way it is and it’s unlikely to change. I love him anyway.
Luckily I moved out a long time ago and my friends and boyfriend are understanding and supportive.

 

[dragonfire42]

Up until recently, my dad didn't understand what being autistic actually meant for me. I think he thought it just meant I was intelligent and shy. He'd hold me to neurotypical standards, then yell at me for being lazy, not trying, and/or not caring when I couldn't meet them, until I was crying and unable to say a word. Then when I'd try to go to my room to give us both time to calm down, he'd yell after me to "stop running away every time you don't like something." One time I was in the middle of trying to explain my selective mutism to him and he interrupted me mid-sentence to say "No, I think you just don't want to talk." Fortunately he's trying to be much more understanding now.

 

[clg114]

Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much. I need a LOT of time to process things, and the more complicated they are, the more time I need. I get a lot of info all at once that doesn't make sense, and I can't just let it lie and forget about it if I feel like understanding it is important. But it takes a long time, months, years even, to pick things apart and make sense of them.

You are right. Understanding is the answer. Unfortunately most people do not understand.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I'm at the stage of reflection where I am trying to see how others have seen me with all of my ASD traits. I have to say that I can understand others' misinterpretations or misunderstandings. I don't believe that anyone on the spectrum can alter their behavior or thought pattern to fit a perceived "acceptable" NT manner, so being aware is about as far as you can get. The moodiness that comes from varying states of depression, boredom, or anxiety are hard to explain and hard to hide. There are times when participation is expected, but when you genuinely don't enjoy what's going on, you become the downer. You will never be able to explain this to strangers or distant acquaintances, but your "friends" will understand if you explain it for what it is. If we accept our own moodiness, then everyone else has to as well. That is why we pick and choose invitations and activities, knowing we might not be good company. And, we'll be miserable in the process. The burden remains on us. How we feel and what we do has an effect on others, particularly when your presence and participation is welcome. NTs don't understand that we can get overwhelmed by multiple conversations or spontaneous changes in activities. There is little tolerance for this part of ASD that others feel is nonsense. This kind of antisocial behavior makes people think there is something seriously wrong with you. In one way they are right. There is something wrong, but it isn't their fault. In then eyes of an NT, you are behaving like a child - you can't pull yourself out from whatever disappointment is making you sad or grumpy. I believe that this is how ASD moodiness comes across to NTs. The only method I have tried to use to pull myself out of low level unpleasantness is the "reset" button. If I am aware of my less-than-content mood, I try to switch my thinking to something new to get my mind off of what is suppressing me. In the right situation, it can be effective. Methods to fight depression and anxiety on your own are rarely long-lasting, but I enjoy the respite from sitting in a depressive hole. I think the depressive hole can be too familiar and I wish it were less so. We become comfortable in our ruts. We accept them. I'm still searching for alternatives that I can manage on my own. Nobody should tolerate their ruts.

 

[Rectify]

"Not trying hard enough"--I hate that one. Also when they say that their friend Jane Smith survived genocide (or whatever) and is now a brain surgeon, and if Jane got through it all then by god anyone who struggles with depression or autism is just lazy and not trying hard enough.

This actually touches on something about life in general that annoys me big time. It's the way people with any difference or bad experiences can be accepted, revered and respected IF they manage to overcome odds and/or if they are really clever or successful in a particular area. I'm happy for them - the brain surgeons etc. For those people who can't do that though?....

For me I don't get that 'pass' that comes with being special. I'm just average. I'm okay at some things but not great at any one, and I struggle daily. I know I sound like a whinger. I wasn't like that in my younger years because I never realised what people really thought of me until a decade ago. Once I had that realisation it made my life so much harder, I guess. Ignorance was bliss.

I'm sorry you're going through that with your sister @Kalinychta It makes what you're already dealing with even harder

 

[SixTimesNine]

My mother-in-law, who claimed I was rude because I didn't talk enough, responded to my attempt to explain why I have difficulty with socials situations with "I don't want to hear any of that crap."

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

My question is this: has anyone here ever had to defend themselves or "justify" their autistic tendencies/behaviors to people who don't have a clue what it's like? Have you been told to just get over it, that your struggles and symptoms are a voluntary choice, and that you're to blame if you can't "just get over it"?

I'm self-diagnosed as of less than a year ago, and haven't told most people, so the direct answer is no. But I've had something in a similar vein that's been bugging me, and I'm curious if OP or anyone else has experienced this. Several of the people I've told about my ASD are people who strongly suspected/were certain I was autistic, some to the point of thinking it for many years and even discussing it behind my back. But--as soon as I self-diagnosed, as soon as I claimed the label of ASD--all of a sudden they started hedging with words like "possibly" or "probably", and started expressing doubt and skepticism. This happened after I agreed with the diagnosis they themselves gave me--the only thing that changed was that I claimed ASD for myself instead of having the label thrust on me. True, I'm not formally diagnosed, but no one involved is a medical or psychiatric professional, and I've studied ASD more than the rest of them put together. It both perplexes and irritates me, and I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this or can explain it.

As for the try harder/get over it: One thing I've noticed from discussions of politics, is that a certain type of person will use "personal responsibility" as a way of shutting down a conversation they don't want to have. I think similar applies here. Educating oneself about ASD and the myriad difficulties it poses, and trying to understand people who are fundamentally different, and grappling with the knowledge that there is no cure, and that it's wrong to judge them, is difficult. It's much easier to just blame the other person and feel smug.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I have had multiple instances where this happened. It gets annoying.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

My mother-in-law, who claimed I was rude because I didn't talk enough, responded to my attempt to explain why I have difficulty with socials situations with "I don't want to hear any of that crap."

 

[Kalinychta]

Really like reading this and it felt spot on. l feel like a delayed person. Feel like l am waiting for the light to come on and the static in my brain will be gone. It's not like l want to be lazy, l just need boatloads of time to process things and filter. Then l need time to deprogram myself from the garabage emotions. We spend a lot of recycling emotions until we are on autopilot but the time and need are infinite and required overtime on this, we are then called lazy because we are in a galactic war with our thoughts. That alone will get you declared as a cat lady. There are no meds or therapy for this, maybe bleach smoothies. Just joking, don't hit me up on this. If the universe could grant me 10 extra hours a day, l could do it and clean too.

Exactly! When I was a kid, I remember trying to fit in at school and be normal (or to at least fly under the radar and not be singled out as different), but when I got home, I would become angry and sad and sarcastic and "controlling" because I had just spent x-number of hours pretending to be someone I'm not. Story of every autistic person's childhood, right? But it doesn't change when you become an adult! You spend all day and all of your energy fitting in at work and wherever else,...but then you're expected to be serene and Buddha-like and not get frustrated and depressed and anxious, and if you do, then it's only because you're lazy and not trying hard enough?

The thing that gets me is people's arrogance and lack of empathy and absence of imagination.

 

[Kalinychta]

My mother-in-law, who claimed I was rude because I didn't talk enough, responded to my attempt to explain why I have difficulty with socials situations with "I don't want to hear any of that crap."

People have accused me of being "quiet" my whole life, too. As though not participating in their meaningless jabber is somehow odd. I've also been told that I don't smile enough and that I need to make my voice peppy and happy.

That's ironic about your mother-in-law. She criticizes you for not talking enough but then tells you to shut up when you do try to talk. I guess by "talking" she means talking about what SHE wants you to talk about, not what you want to talk about.