The thing they initially picked up on is my description of exhaustion after social events. I’ve been at the point where a single party at a pub can knock me out for three days - to the point of not being able to get out of bed, having full body aches and... it’s kind of like ‘flu, but without the fever. Being overlooked (in an open plan office) at work, and hearing all of the sounds going on around me is incredibly distracting and exhausting. I also had to consciously learn social interaction. I’m very good at it, now, except when I meet a situation I’ve not considered or come across before - but I just find it exhausting. I spend most of my time exhausted at the moment. It’s this job that’s made it really clear to me that I have an issue, since I have to be on the phone so much to people and it really matters that I get it right.
The counsellor said that it sounds like ‘overstimulation’ - because, often, there’s a point I reach where my brain goes ‘nope!’ and then I lose my inhibition, can get uncontrollably giggly, can’t drag myself to say coherent sentences. If I keep going past that point, that’s when I risk the ‘flu thing.
After that discussion, I went off and did some research on autism in women and, although the diagnostic criteria seemed much more vague for women, I did notice A LOT of similarities. I have issues with certain textures, sounds and crowds. I’m not shy at all, but being in large crowds can make me very uncomfortable.
There were some things that popped up in descriptions that weren’t diagnostic but were things that I’ve literally never considered might be part of it, and that I’ve never seen anyone else have issues with - like not being able to tell that I’m thirsty until I’m REALLY thirsty. That used to lead to crying fits when I was a kid - because I’d need a drink NOW, once I’d noticed I was thirsty, and any delay would be really upsetting. My mum used to think I was doing it to be awkward, I think, or because I wanted juice rather than water. Certain sounds make me really angry, too - like irrationally so. My partner had to learn to stop ‘popping’ with his mouth when he was thinking, because it gives me a nauseous, irritable feeling that I can’t shake and completely distracts me from my train of thought. I have problems with wet hands, too - a response to the texture of them that can make me yelp if it happens unexpectedly. I can’t share baths or go swimming with anyone unless they’ve been fully briefed on the issue. Also, I don’t like to be touched - and that can lead to an overstimulation response too. At a certain point I can just get very prickly and then I get really irritated by it and have to remove myself. My partner (the one who loves cuddles) found this baffling for a long time, though he’s used to it now.
The rest - well, I did basically learn how to do social interaction like a ‘normal’ person from the ground up, consciously. I think that’s what I find so exhausting. It doesn’t come naturally to me so I am hyper-focussed on it, especially when it matters, and it’s like doing interviews (which is also exhausting). Additionally, I have strong and specific interests in certain complex topics which I can talk AT someone for hours about, if they give me any encouragement at all. I have to warn people - ‘don’t bring up X topic unless you really want to discuss it’ - because I find it really hard to stop or rein it in.
As for the employer - I think I’ve got a better chance with them than most. They have a name for being very inclusive and having a very large work force that means they can reassign people to different roles without a great deal of difficulty. I spoke to my union rep and he suggested one that I may find easier. The part that worries me more is other employers, after this one. Because most of them are like you say and I’m worried that a diagnosis would lead to stigma in those contexts.
If I am autistic, then most people would never know unless I told them. I’m just so sick of being tired all of the time. It started affecting my mental health - I started feeling like I would be trapped in my job, with no actual chance to live, for the rest of my life. Just struggling along, paddling so furiously that I’m too exhausted to do anything else at all. It’s not a life I want to live, you know?
Thanks for your tact about the doughnuts, though.
