I've been rejected by most of my peers at my Church... [VENT]

[VernalSole1355]

I'm... not OK. I feel very depressed right now, very lonely. Here's what happened.

So over the past few months, I made a move from the bigger campus of my church (avg. 2000 people) to a smaller campus of that same church (avg. 200 people). I am 18, a "Super" Senior (2nd year), and I am still taking part in the Student Ministry. I don't know if I will be here soon, however. Here is why.

I moved campuses because the big campus had a major growth (I'd say doubling membership), and that of course hit the Student Ministry. A lot of the leaders there knew me and had personal relationships with me. I had friends too. However, as the ministry grew, those people I knew slowly went away, leaders & all. I lost the personal touch. I felt abandoned, and I felt like I have had my friends swept out from under me by the sands of time. So I moved campuses to the smaller campus. The Student Pastor there & several of the leaders, we all hit it off. When I showed up to the new campus, obviously I started making friends. Which I was. I had a solid, 5 to 7 friends. Obviously, none of them were inner circle because I only knew them for a couple of months at the time, but I still considered them friends. And I hung out with them and exclusively them.

But then one of my friends (will be known as John) pulled me aside to tell me that another one of my "friends" (Jane) had called me a creep behind my back because I was "following her around too much". I immediately terminated that relationship with Jane and thanked John. As such, he got pulled up a stage. (Note that John & Jane are dating, so he was risking his neck there). Ultimately, nothing else came of it. But then someone else said I was being creepy, and over time, up until now, either people stopped hanging around me because they thought I was a creep or it just didn't hold. All but 1 of those friends are gone.

Now, one of the factors that led to this is that they all go to 1 of 2 schools, they see each other almost every day, even outside of school. I'm homeschooled, and for simplicity's sake an introvert. See the disconnect? I only had 1 of my friends (the one who is still with me, not John) phone numbers, and he barely texts/calls me or talks to me hardly.

I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. Yet again I wind up on the short end of the stick. I am honestly broken by this. I committed to helping that ministry and even working with some of the Student Leaders to bring a special needs ministry to that campus. And now, it is falling apart like I've never seen before. Almost in a span of a couple weeks, everything fell apart. Kaput, Blam, done. And now, I have to tell my Student Pastor, who I love dearly as a brother and I DESPERATELY want to work with that I'm leaving the ministry to go to a Young Adults ministry at the other campus (18-29 y/o's) because I can't stay in the Student Ministry anymore, not for my own sake.

I've got lots of knives to the back, and I've been on the short end of the stick a lot. This one hurts. I am physically crying as I'm writing this. It hurts that bad.

To have so many friends, to finally get a personal relationship with some people after a year plus of not having it only for it to be ripped out from under you... And on top of that I had to break up with my girlfriend recently, but that's a separate issue.

That's about it. I appreciate being able to vent on here. Thank you guys for being a community that accepts me. I count myself lucky to be on this forum.

EDIT: I forgot to mention this. That group of friends I had at the big campus, specifically those in a "small group" that we did weekly have recently got in touch with me with my through the church's camp (we were all in the same cabin, so it was fun getting to see everybody & spend 5 days with 'em). We're gonna try to do some stuff together, so I'm not totally abandoned here.

 

[Nairobi]

That sounds awful, and I have no advice, because I have zero idea how I am coming off to people, and am often surprised by finding out that I was coming off totally different than I had thought. Did those people know of your ASD? Could your pastor - or the student pastor - give you some good advice about how to handle this spiritually and socially? Maybe you could raise some awareness at that campus about ASD and how it can affect social stuff? I do not mean to automatically assume that it was something you were doing that actually made people think you were being creepy - it's just in my case, I think I was doing stuff that I didn't realize that was interpreted very negatively. And it can feel really helpless sometimes, which is awful. I am sorry you lost so many friends. I haven't had many friends, really close ones, in such a long time - but I remember when I went to college and lost them all, it was very hard - and the way in which you have lost them, that is devastating. Maybe this can be the start of a special focus for your ministry in the future - you are working on special needs ministry, and it sounds like there is a need for more awareness at that campus. As alone as you may feel among humans, this forum is proof that you are not. And for me, that huge, lonely, gaping chasm left by people was the gap that God entered and comforted me. I really hope this story turns into a brighter ending than you can imagine.

 

[Tom]

Trouble sometimes comes in bunches. Did this new social group know you were on the spectrum?

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes, (Don't take this the wrong way), church infused peeps are a bunch of hypocrites. They all say one thing but behind your back, it's a whole different storyline, news at 8:00 pm.

I have read your exact post here already, and l have personally talked to people who have left the church for this very reason.

 

[VernalSole1355]

That sounds awful, and I have no advice, because I have zero idea how I am coming off to people, and am often surprised by finding out that I was coming off totally different than I had thought. Did those people know of your ASD? Could your pastor - or the student pastor - give you some good advice about how to handle this spiritually and socially? Maybe you could raise some awareness at that campus about ASD and how it can affect social stuff? I do not mean to automatically assume that it was something you were doing that actually made people think you were being creepy - it's just in my case, I think I was doing stuff that I didn't realize that was interpreted very negatively. And it can feel really helpless sometimes, which is awful. I am sorry you lost so many friends. I haven't had many friends, really close ones, in such a long time - but I remember when I went to college and lost them all, it was very hard - and the way in which you have lost them, that is devastating. Maybe this can be the start of a special focus for your ministry in the future - you are working on special needs ministry, and it sounds like there is a need for more awareness at that campus. As alone as you may feel among humans, this forum is proof that you are not. And for me, that huge, lonely, gaping chasm left by people was the gap that God entered and comforted me. I really hope this story turns into a brighter ending than you can imagine.

Trouble sometimes comes in bunches. Did this new social group know you were on the spectrum?

My one friend who stayed friends with me knows, as did a couple others. The rest did not. I only tell people I have ASD unless either I trust them enough to tell them or they specifically ask if I have it (because that shows you have some form of awareness of it. I'm not gonna lie to them). My Student Pastor knows as well, and his wife is actually a Special Ed teacher, so he is somewhat aware of Autism beyond what I've told him, but I don't think he entirely gets it as much as his wife does. But his heart is in the right place. And who knows? Maybe God will pull something out of the hat and somehow turn this around so I can stay... I don't know what He'll do, but I'm trusting Him that this will work out one way or another. Still hurts like hell though.

Sometimes, (Don't take this the wrong way), church infused peeps are a bunch of hypocrites. They all say one thing but behind your back, it's a whole different storyline, news at 8:00 pm.

I have read your exact post here already, and l have personally talked to people who have the church for this very reason.

I get what your saying. My church is a Southern Baptist church, so I see ALOT of those. It's funny. My church prides itself on people "taking the next step" and not being just your "average Christians", yet all they seem to preach week after week, ESPECIALLY in the Student Ministry is "pray and read your Bible".

 

[VernalSole1355]

Everyone please take notice of the EDIT in the original post.

 

[Crossbreed]

Do you mind me asking which church?
Also, I think your break-up is probably affecting you more than you realize. Break-ups always feel like a rejection more than simply "not a good match." It is similar to a miscarriage.

I believe that you need to allow yourself time to grieve over that loss.

 

[Thinx]

Sorry you are up against this. Im very sorry you're feeling low, but there are ways forward and through this.

I don't get how that recent group were your 'friends'? They sound like creeps.

We tend to be simple and direct. But the NTs around us have agendas. I guess you have to factor the world and it's ways into things, to understand how people in organisations, including unfortunately religious organisations, function. There's a power structure, and independent of what the gurus' or God's words are about how we should live and conduct ourselves, many in any organisation will be focused on rising within the power structure.

Your own conduct sounds simple and direct. Like Jesus's maybe? It doesn't always reap rewards unfortunately. Sometimes that level of simplicity is difficult for others, and at times I have felt you are somewhat aware of this.

I wonder if you can continue to, in your own thinking at least, separate the organisational behaviours from the faith you have, and protect yourself as well as possible from how this dichotomy makes living one's faith in an organisation difficult. I am sure there's a place for you, you seem like a lovely and deep thinking person.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I think sometimes you are not communicating well with others, and anyways kids are basically really mean and selfish and short sided, like a group of goats.

Even though right now it's the other young people you are focusing on, really you should be making friends with 30 year olds. It will be easier to get along with fully matured people.

The hard part for us[ND] is often life management skills, like priorities and time blocking and getting adequate appropriate exercise and all the rest. Church people are funny in some ways.

Anyways I think the young adult group will be a better fit for you. If the church itself meets your needs then dont ask too much of it. One great thing about large congregations is there is usually thg something you can do to help out, that sort of thing is where real friendships develop, from shared service

 

[VernalSole1355]

Do you mind me asking which church?
Also, I think your break-up is probably affecting you more than you realize. Break-ups always feel like a rejection more than simply "not a good match." It is similar to a miscarriage.

I believe that you need to allow yourself time to grieve over that loss.

Will let you know the church via PM. I do grieve over my relationship daily, believe me. I don't have a set time though where I just cry my eye balls out or stuff like that. Grieving for me is just... complicated, to say the least, lol, but I do appreciate the thought.

Sorry you are up against this. Im very sorry you're feeling low, but there are ways forward and through this.

I don't get how that recent group were your 'friends'? They sound like creeps.

We tend to be simple and direct. But the NTs around us have agendas. I guess you have to factor the world and it's ways into things, to understand how people in organisations, including unfortunately religious organisations, function. There's a power structure, and independent of what the gurus' or God's words are about how we should live and conduct ourselves, many in any organisation will be focused on rising within the power structure.

Your own conduct sounds simple and direct. Like Jesus's maybe? It doesn't always reap rewards unfortunately. Sometimes that level of simplicity is difficult for others, and at times I have felt you are somewhat aware of this.

I wonder if you can continue to, in your own thinking at least, separate the organisational behaviours from the faith you have, and protect yourself as well as possible from how this dichotomy makes living one's faith in an organisation difficult. I am sure there's a place for you, you seem like a lovely and deep thinking person.

I think sometimes you are not communicating well with others, and anyways kids are basically really mean and selfish and short sided, like a group of goats.

Even though right now it's the other young people you are focusing on, really you should be making friends with 30 year olds. It will be easier to get along with fully matured people.

The hard part for us[ND] is often life management skills, like priorities and time blocking and getting adequate appropriate exercise and all the rest. Church people are funny in some ways.

Anyways I think the young adult group will be a better fit for you. If the church itself meets your needs then dont ask too much of it. One great thing about large congregations is there is usually something you can do to help out, that sort of thing is where real friendships develop, from shared service

I appreciate the thoughts. My plan is to just go to the Young Adults thing for a few weeks, see if I like it or not. I'm likely not going to another Student Ministry thing period, even if I get to talk to my Student Pastor. There isn't a thing he can do to remedy the situation. And it's funny. His "favorite" students (he hasn't said anything but we're the "Student Leaders" so he tends to work with us more) is me, a couple of the bad friends, and some neutrals. Hell I don't even know if Student Leadership exists anymore, lol.

 

[Nairobi]

I'm likely not going to another Student Ministry thing period, even if I get to talk to my Student Pastor. There isn't a thing he can do to remedy the situation. And it's funny. His "favorite" students (he hasn't said anything but we're the "Student Leaders" so he tends to work with us more) is me, a couple of the bad friends, and some neutrals. Hell I don't even know if Student Leadership exists anymore, lol.

I read somewhere that sometimes all ASD folks need is that one person who can help them navigate circumstances to help them succeed in challenging situations. This was true for me. I hope your student pastor can be that person for you - pour it all out, explain the whole thing - nothing to lose, lots to gain - and who knows what fresh approach will be available to you then, you’ll soon find out.

 

[VernalSole1355]

I read somewhere that sometimes all ASD folks need is that one person who can help them navigate circumstances to help them succeed in challenging situations. This was true for me. I hope your student pastor can be that person for you - pour it all out, explain the whole thing - nothing to lose, lots to gain - and who knows what fresh approach will be available to you then, you’ll soon find out.

Maybe so, we will see how things play out. I was going to talk about this to him yesterday, and he said we were going to talk but he never got around to it because he was so "busy" (although we had a good half an hour of downtime), yet he's talking to other people...? (Not to mention one of the bad friends is like one of his good friends). But like I said earlier, his heart, at least seems to be, in the right place.

P.S. Do note he has physically told me he has ADHD/ADD and it was flaring up BIG TIME yesterday. That's part of the reason why I'm cutting him some slack there.

 

[VernalSole1355]

UPDATE AS OF 8/20/21:

TL;DR - Left Student Ministry, old Student Pastor left me at the curb, got to go to Young Adults, loving it, little lesson on what I learned at the end!

Alright everyone. It's been about a month since I originally posted this, and I figured I would give an update as to how things have gone.

I ended up staying in the Student Ministry for a little bit longer after the post was made because I needed to tie up some loose ends. Long story short, my student pastor just threw me to the curb and flat out stopped speaking to me, at all. Do note, that was NOT in relation to me leaving, it was a separate matter which shall remain confidential. So that just expedited my departure from the Student Ministry, and I went up the ladder and essentially reported him to the "Global" Student Pastor (head of the entire Student Ministry).

Ok, bad stuff out of the way. Now for the good stuff. This last Tuesday I got to go to a Young Adults service for the first time. There was about 60-70 people there, maybe more, not counting staff. They served hamburgers & hot dogs for everyone (yum!), and service only lasted for about an hour. Worship was very peaceful, pure if I might say. There was no flashing lights. No modified audio. Just 4 people, one literally using one of those boxes that you drum on and it reverberates to make the noise (don't know the name).

The sermon itself was amazing. So many things that Student Ministry NEVER would have brought up. It was MUCH more complex. For reference, I learned an interesting link in the Bible. We Christians believe that we are called to fulfill the "Great Commission". This is found in the Bible within the book of Matthew Chapter 28 Verses 16-20, which reads: "Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'"

Well, there is a link to this in the book of Revelation. Revelation, the last book of the Bible, is a description of what will happen in the End Times, delivered to us by a vision that was given to a Christian from Ephesus known as "John" from God. (Note: This is NOT the same John who wrote the book of John, or 1 & 2 John.) The link, or the verse I am specifically referring to is Revelation 7:9. See if you can find the link: After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.


If you figured it out, good job! If you cannot or just don't realize it (like I didn't!), then the link is that Revelation 7:9 is a fulfillment of Mathew 16-20, or the Great Commission. Revelation states that there would be a great multitude of people that no one could count, "from every NATION, tribe, people, and language..." What is the Great Commission? "...go, and make disciples of all NATIONS,..." Pretty neat, huh?

All in all, I'm glad that I got to go to Young Adults, and I intend to start going regularly. Circumstances stunk for my early shift, yes, but I think God let that happen so I would be able to thrive in a welcoming & healthy environment.

 

[Crossbreed]

Circumstances stunk for my early shift, yes, but I think God let that happen so I would be able to thrive in a welcoming & healthy environment.

"But as for you, you meant evil against me;
but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day,
to save many people alive." Genesis 50:20 NKJV

 

[NB79]

Lets say churches are not perfect, and we offend each other sometimes, even when Paul himself was around, there were horrible stuff going on, so why churches today are going to be better?
I think a bad evil today, its that a small offense makes people don't talk to each other anymore, instead of them trying to work things out.

 

[Kalinychta]

“Creepy” is a horrid thing to be called. It’s much more hurtful than being called a jerk or a-hole or similar. Very cruel “friends” you had.

I generally avoid becoming close with people because so many of them are rotten, like yours turned out to be, and also because I like being alone most of the time. I have one genuinely good friend whom I am very close with, and she is more than enough for me. If you can find such a person, hold onto him/her and don’t shed a single tear for the cruel, superficial, back-stabbing simpletons who will inevitably pass into and out of your life.

Also, I find that it helps to look at these types of occurrences objectively and dispassionately. If a friend of yours were going through what you are, what would you tell him?

 

[VernalSole1355]

UPDATE AS OF 8/25/21:

Unfortunately, I have to bring some bad news with this update. But Good news first!

Second time going to the Tuesday Night events. Young Adult Pastor spoke tonight. Message was in Romans 11 and about an underlying message that Paul was saying to the Israelites, that just because you are Israelites, the chosen people of Abraham, doesn't mean your automatically entitled to eternal salvation. (Links were between Romans 9-11 & Jeremiah 2 if your interested). Got to talk to some people.

In other news, my old Student Pastor (the one at Gallatin) reached out to me today and personally apologized for himself and on behalf of the ministry for what happened to me back at the Student ministry, which I highly appreciate, and aids the healing process for that wound.

Alright, bad news time.

I was told by the Young Adult Pastor on Tuesday night that he could not allow me to do any other Young Adult activities because I'm still in school (I am retaking 12th grade, homeschooled). After having a discussion with him today, I found out that it comes from a "mutual agreement" (more like strong-arming) from the Student Ministry to the Young Adult Ministry. Basically, seniors still in school cannot go into Young Adults because if that were to happen, the Student Ministry would take a hit in numbers, although the Young Adult pastor did himself say back at Camp that Young Adults are for EVERYONE 18 to 29 years old. Not once did he say anything about you having to be graduated. This was likely implied and I missed it.

However, he personally has implied that he wants me at the ministry, and he is going to bring my case to Student Ministry leadership personally and see if we can get an exception made. Hopefully I will hear back from that within the next week or so. I will keep you all posted.

 

[VernalSole1355]

UPDATE AS OF 8/25/21 #2:

Great news!
My Young Adult Pastor got me an exemption with the Student Ministry to allow my full transfer into Young Adults. And he did it almost immediately too. Yeah, he clearly wants me there lol. Thank you guys so much for the support on this!

 

[Thinx]

That's great, I think an approach geared to adults will suit you well, you seem very mature. I hope the home schooling is going well. Does it mean that you do study at home, rather than that your parents try to teach you? I'm guessing most parents would be out of their depth at your level! Good luck with it all, the autism definitely can give us some challenges, but you are handling it well.

 

[VernalSole1355]

That's great, I think an approach geared to adults will suit you well, you seem very mature. I hope the home schooling is going well. Does it mean that you do study at home, rather than that your parents try to teach you? I'm guessing most parents would be out of their depth at your level! Good luck with it all, the autism definitely can give us some challenges, but you are handling it well.

I do most of my homeschooling independent. Most of my school work I do on the computer with the exception of Math and Latin (PAIN). I read my own books and do the lessons on my own. Only things my parents do is go over the work with me and/or grade it (or if I need help, they help me ofc).