Issues with roommate

[Tom]

Collect ants from a nearby anthill. (put a long tiny twig down the ant hole and they will grab onto it and then shake it gently in a glass jar - try not to hurt any ants). When you have a nice batch of ants put the lid on and confront your room mate. Tell them you feel these ants are angry. Ask them why they think these ants are angry. And then tell them unless they shape up and stop making the place a disgusting hovel, you will release the angry (shaken not stirred) ants in their bed at night while they sleep. Then return the ants to their ant nest, angry and confused but no worse for wear. If you want also put a lump of sugar next to the nest as a apology/gift.

 

[Aspychata]

And yet I suspect you find great value in such expense. I know I do.

I think l have spent most of my lifetime working to support my home alone experience. lol

 

[Judge]

I think l have spent most of my lifetime working to support my home alone experience. lol

Greta Garbo rocks.

 

[Aspychata]

l vant to be alone she said. lol

 

[Thinx]

I'm lucky I think, because although I do really like alone time and have often lived alone, I also enjoy being with others and am fairly flexible about most things. There's one or 2 things I just can't cope with like perfume sprays and deodorant sprays the chemicals from those seem to really choke me, but mostly I can go with the flow.

I would definitely leave my washing up and do it twice a week when the dishes run out, I think that's efficient. But if the other person or persons kindly explained to me they preferred it done differently, I would. If they were angry straight off I would feel that was uncalled for, I would adjust if I was told it was difficult for them.

This person maybe needs a firmer stance, as has been suggested. Kind but firm. I know you prefer to leave the washing up but I don't like that in a shared kitchen, so please do it as soon as you can. If you can't, let's put it in a bin that's kept in your room, then it's you finding space for it rather than it lying in the shared space... something like that.

Don't reply to the you sound angry remarks, but if they persist, try, I wonder why you always hear me as angry? What's happening for you when you go down that route? Do I remind you of someone else who was angry, maybe? Etc. Psychoanalysing works both ways...

 

[paloftoon]

You can try to move out to be with another roommate you don't know at all. There will be different problems. This sounds like a typical just be-okay with it or do it yourself sort of thing. Could you barter, like offer to have your roommate agree to pay $100 for your rent and you can take care of all the dishes as a result?

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

There's way too much pathologizing here. OP needs to get assertive at the first and all the later instances of boundary violations, and then roommate is neither narcissistic nor BPD. I hear all the time from autistic people "I'm not comfortable with confrontation." Well, get comfortable, or pathologize everyone you come in contact with.

If you read the thread or the post itself, you'll see that I have brought things up with her and talked to her about things- one of the main points of the post is that talking to her results in her telling me to stop being upset. Being assertive is definitely necessary in relationships of any kind, but being assertive with people who respond in this manner and who then additionally act like you're making things up isn't going to be solved by being more assertive.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

If you read the thread or the post itself, you'll see that I have brought things up with her and talked to her about things- one of the main points of the post is that talking to her results in her telling me to stop being upset. Being assertive is definitely necessary in relationships of any kind, but being assertive with people who respond in this manner and who then additionally act like you're making things up isn't going to be solved by being more assertive.

Maybe just the support itself is whats needed, just having a place to have it all out of the box. It kinda frightens me to think it but i will likely need a roomate fairly soon, so your story is important to me. I would likely have thrown the dirty dishes out with the trash.
Have you ever been alone so long that the cat got grey hair? Its been like 10yrs now, just me in this spooky old house. Not sure i can even speak aloud in person anymore.
I used to take notes. Dont hate me, i needed to. Its creepy thing to do, writing down what ppl say. If you ever see me around i always have notecards and writing tools. I have excused myself, pretend to go to wc, just to write stuff down. I keep files on people. I do. Only ppl i work with or have to be around, not friends, until they start lying. I hate liars

It works actually. I cannot rely on memory, its not ..... any ways
I found lies that way, and manipulation ,and trickery and other things. So that might be too wierd of a policy, however....

This place can be kinda like a journal, thats anon moderated and pretty open minded. There are all these modern terms that i hate, dont undrstand it all really. Gaslight. Narcissism. Theres more i forget. Use those words if you like them, i have problems with modern feminism, but i am really strange.
I saved my own life by taking notes, i think, revealed quite a few lies and the liars that ......
I worked in a limited capacity with dom violence vitims once as a volunteer. Communicate your insecurities. Document the incident
Manipulators hate witnesses
Trust is earned, abusers demand respect
Most abuse is about control

Maybe just to share whats buggin you with your friends can help you with the "what did that really mean thing"
Wrote a song about it once, wanna hear it, here it goes.....