Issues with roommate

[_eri_bellehumeur]

Hello all, I'm having a bit of an issue with my roommate. I will try to keep this brief even though I'm frustrated and want to go on a 10 page rant.

We were actually good friends before moving in together (and still are for the most part, but you know how annoying people are when you have to see them everyday) so I've been trying to just swallow my issues with things that she does that are irritating. These are things that anybody- not just a person on the spectrum would find irritating, like not doing their dishes for days until I finally just do them myself so I can have a clean kitchen to cook in, she'll work from home in the communal space all day (so I can't cook or use the living room in peace and feel confined to my bedroom-the smallest in the house. She makes a lot of small talk and I just don't care but force it so she doesn't think I'm being rude, but it leaves me exhausted). There's a lot of other things, but mostly she is consistently passive aggressive and rude, questioning me for stupid things, treating the apartment like it is hers and I feel like I have minimal say even though we pay almost the same rent (her share is slightly higher because her room is bigger).

When I call her out on her passive aggressiveness in particular, she won't address my concern but say " you don't need to be so mad about it...I don't know why you're getting so angry..." etc. I do have issues with anger in certain situations, but I lived with a very angry father, and as I want my relationship with this person to be healthy (because again, I call them a friend), I am very careful to keep my voice level when we talk and be as rational as possible so as to not make her feel the way I felt (forced to live with people who are angry, walking on eggshells), but she will not address the content of my words, and instead tells me to "calm down" (which by the way is the dumbest thing to say to somebody who is trying their best to be calm but is on the verge of a meltdown). I'll tell her that I am not angry, that I am frustrated, I understand her position, but that I just want us to deal with the issue, but again and again, "you're angry. I can feel that you're angry, stop being angry", even when I literally am not angry.

I guess I am looking to see if anybody has experienced something similar and how you handled it. I'm not even remotely financially stable enough to move out on my own, but I'm thinking I need the friendship aspect of this arrangement to be put on pause in the least, and don't know how to go about it, because if I just randomly start treating her different without explaining she is of course going to be offended and that won't help, but I have no idea how to talk to her about it. Confrontation is difficult for me, and in order to do it, I need to be blunt, and unemotional about it, but she either interprets it as aggression and refuses to discuss my concern or she is purposely trying to make me angry so that her claims about me being too angry can be true and she can feel like she didn't do anything wrong. It's frustrating. Do you think there's anything I can say or do here, or should I just let the relationship die and let her do what she wants with that?

Sorry for the essay.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Nothing to be sorry about that was very well written
I got a fake love lecture, about how "anger wastes energy" from someone dodging the issues. It was similar to whats goin on with you and roomie, a pretend concern to distract from a real question.

There are likely better answers here than mine, in fact i think its extreme selfishness(narcicisim) i hate that word. No advice sorry, except get someone to help, like a therapist

 

[Aspychata]

Ouch. l feel your frustrations. You can't really call her out because she pulls out the passive agressive hall pass and flips it to that it is all on you. Then she dominates the shared living space with her in your face attitude, and the cherry on the top? Her dirty dishes.

So it looks like you have to power thru until you can split. 1. Put her dirty dishes in a plastic bin on the counter. Start using your own pan and plates and silverware. 2. Spend time out at gym or library to get a break. 3. Downsize your small room, or ask if you can swap since she spends all her time in communal space. And defintely don't let her trigger you. Because she uses this to gain the upper hand. You probably can come up with better ideas. Finally, grab another p/t job or save up for a massage to get thru living with the hausfrau.☹☺

But for health reasons- you need to figure out a exit plan when your lease is up.

 

[unperson]

It's not a great idea to live with 'friends', you end up losing a friend.

People often live in their bedrooms in shared accomodation, it's not for her to dominate communal space with her 'work'. Put the tv or the music on while she's trying to 'work' in the living room, because you are paying to use that space, why shouldn't you. She'll get the message soon enough.

Addressing stuff openly does not work with passive aggressives, you have to use the weapon they chose.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

I got a fake love lecture, about how "anger wastes energy" from someone dodging the issues. It was similar to whats goin on with you and roomie, a pretend concern to distract from a real question.

Yes! It's very frustrating because they're being condescending, but their "concern" makes them feel superior to your justifiable emotions. It limits the possible responses. And no your response was great- it's nice to even just have emotions validated.

 

[Major Tom]

They sound kind of narcissistic to me. It's hard living with people. Especially when they are constantly questioning you with stuff they already know, turn everything around on you so that you are the bad one, are messy and so on.

I live in a similar situation, but there's no escape for me. I guess you could maybe take comfort in the fact that it's not permanent? I don't know.

Good luck!

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

Suggest that she work from her bedroom, as it's a shared communal space and you can't use it if she's working in it.
Ask her if there any rules she would like to suggest.

I have actually asked her to do this- specifically when she is having zoom meetings because obviously I feel like I'm intruding/eavesdropping and am uncomfortable even moving around in the area, which isn't fair. Her response was the same, but yes further discussion is likely necessary.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

You probably can come up with better ideas.

No, actually all of your suggestions are either extremely helpful (putting her dirty dishes in a bin by the sink is great) or are things I am currently doing (looking for work, as well as downsizing (goodbye beloved books- not all of course)). Thank you for your advice!

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

I live in a similar situation, but there's no escape for me. I guess you could maybe take comfort in the fact that it's not permanent? I don't know.

Sorry you're going through the same- it's very draining. My situation is definitely not "life-time permanent" but I'll likely be here for at least a year though searching for the quickest exit plan- still a year can drag. I hope your situation can improve as well.

 

[unperson]

I have actually asked her to do this- specifically when she is having zoom meetings because obviously I feel like I'm intruding/eavesdropping and am uncomfortable even moving around in the area, which isn't fair. Her response was the same, but yes further discussion is likely necessary.

Yikes, you could be filmed in the background of a zoom meeting? No absolutely not, it's an invasion of privacy.

This is definitely power game stuff. How long is the lease, maybe have something else lined up for when it expires.

 

[Major Tom]

Sorry you're going through the same- it's very draining. My situation is definitely not "life-time permanent" but I'll likely be here for at least a year though searching for the quickest exit plan- still a year can drag. I hope your situation can improve as well.

Thanks. I hope your year goes by quickly, or that the person you are living with will become more conscientious of you and your space and rights.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

That's what I think is happening with your friendship. Her reiteration that you are 'angry' is a way to stop the dialogue, without addressing the issues.

I think you're onto something, though my experience is slightly different. Her job has just changed very recently to a very high paying job, and I have just ended my studies at university and am looking for work. Because of a variety of factors, my options for employment are quite limited. She has kind of always been like this, but the condescension and rudeness has drastically increased since her job started, so a part of me suspects that she has a bit of an ego now and thinks she can boss me around or something stupid- which just isn't going to happen, lol.
Initially though, I was much the same in that I let her take control of a lot of the decisions- I always want other people to be happy, so for decorative decisions in particular I'd let her do her thing and keep my things mostly in my room where I like them anyway, but I'm thinking now that that was a mistake.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

Yikes, you could be filmed in the background of a zoom meeting? No absolutely not, it's an invasion of privacy.

This is definitely power game stuff. How long is the lease, maybe have something else lined up for when it expires.

The lease is done, but I don't have any options except for being homeless, or potentially living with very dysfunctional alcoholics and I definitely prefer my current nightmare to those options, hahaha! The situation could most definitely be worse, and I can at least appreciate that.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I hope that you are able to be ok with the scene you are in. That type of behavior u describe is deliberately confusing. I had a room mate once kinda, well more like a crazy homeless woman who stayed the winter. It started out great but then there were problems eventually. She got uptight for being asked to leave when she said she would.

It gets lonely sometimes, but at least its safe. No wierdness, or conversation, ...

Wish you well

 

[ForestGumpett]

They sound kind of narcissistic to me. It's hard living with people. Especially when they are constantly questioning you with stuff they already know, turn everything around on you so that you are the bad one, are messy and so on.

I live in a similar situation, but there's no escape for me. I guess you could maybe take comfort in the fact that it's not permanent? I don't know. Good luck!

I’m with Major Tom on this, I think your dealing with narcissistic ppl with possible Bordeline Personality issues, they are mess’in with your head.

Even if I had to live out in the country in a poor home, I’d rather live like that then with people that treated me less than.

Make a plan, one day at a time and never lose hope. You can change your situation, this will make you stronger. (((Big hug)))

 

[GadAbout]

There's way too much pathologizing here. OP needs to get assertive at the first and all the later instances of boundary violations, and then roommate is neither narcissistic nor BPD. I hear all the time from autistic people "I'm not comfortable with confrontation." Well, get comfortable, or pathologize everyone you come in contact with.

 

[unperson]

roomie has work and just got promoted, OP just graduated, has no work, there's things to be learned in this shituation, whether you like it or not, I'd just go with the flow of it, glean what you can from it.

 

[Judge]

I think for the most part the OP has essentially itemized any number of reasons for our solitary lifestyles.

Otherwise coexistence with others at very close range remains quite daunting for many of us. That in the long run some of us can handle it, while others cannot.

With my OCD, I "run a tight ship" when it comes to neatness in my immediate environment. At this point of my life I cannot imagine anyone attempting to mitigate it at the expense of my mental well-being.

 

[Aspychata]

Think the OP clearly sees things. Power struggle, ego run amuck, and limited options for the OP.

But confronting isn't viable with passive aggressive. It's a tightrope walk. So l think spending less time at home is better.

Perhaps finding another roommate situation, it may take some time.

l have always been poor because l will spend every last dollar to live alone. Just can't handle the pushy people on the planet.

 

[Judge]

l have always been poor because l will spend every last dollar to live alone. Just can't handle the pushy people on the planet.

And yet I suspect you find great value in such expense. I know I do.

It's also why I'm willing to pay extra to live on top of a unit as opposed to underneath one.