Is my autistic co-worker flirting with me?

[DavidH]

Alright, so a lot to chew on here.

One of the scenarios I had envisioned was that this was unintentional flirting but some of it was so overt I wasn't sure how likely that was but @GadAbout did provide some meaningful insight. On the other hand I think I was hoping for more responses like @James KirkwoodNY but that was me being a little naive considering the behavior. Also, I don't think it would be appropriate for us to be best buddies even given her short time with us and me being two levels higher in the org chart.

I want to address the sexual harassment comments. Yes, I am aware it can happen to men and it has happened to me with a woman I used to report to. It may shock you to find out that despite that incident and this one I am, without being humble, very average for my age. Maybe slightly better shape but that isn't saying much. Workplace romances happen and I don't think advances are automatically "harassment" unless it is persistent after being asked to stop or it is someone with influence or authority trying to extract some kind of quid pro quo. She is a very attractive young lady and I'm sure the unattached men closer to her age would not mind the same attention and would call it anything other than harassment.

I am looking at this from a different perspective. If you try to deal with this situation by yourself, is there any chance that she could become angry at being jilted, and then file a harassment charge against you?

I have a safety net and I won't be alone if I have to confront her directly. I am out of the office most of this week but plan on addressing it when everyone is back from the holidays. I have a rock solid reputation that I have carefully built that will afford some protection and Alice's current direct supervisor is a woman I have partnered with often on different corporate initiatives and has helped me navigate some tough conversations with other millennial women. There are a few other steps I've taken to protect myself that I won't share here but I am doing some serious CYA to keep this from blowing up in my face.

The one thing I want to prevent is having her simply lose her job. I have another autistic employee who has shared his stories about trouble at past employers, bullying, and other struggles. He and I work very well together but his stories haunt me. I can tell you that everytime someone gets fired, right or wrong, there is a chance their career will be ended. With less than a year of experience and being autistic I am not ready to potentially doom this young lady. At the same time I have dealt with numerous tough calls in my career and if it comes down to her job or protecting my livelihood I am only willing to go so far for her.

 

[DavidH]

Red light right here! You think this is not inappropriate? ? This is highly inappropriate for a married man. Discuss work matters at work!

We do regular lunch meetings when we are busy. Usually this is with peers or managers one level below me. It's a way to knock out agenda items, get out of the office, and not have to brown bag it.

I take a team member out to lunch about twice a month if I am not swamped. I get a lot of information out of these meetings. I do have some rules about lunch venues in order to make sure everything appears appropriate as I do bump into people I know all the time. You don't want to be sitting in some isolated corner of a dark restaurant when you're out with an employee.

How do you know where she lives?

Technically I don't know her address but she did mention her neighborhood and some landmarks.

 

[Aspychata]

This is tough. l understand you are flattered but is there anything about going through a sexual harrasement charge (again) that you look forward too?

Why would you think that this isn't outright unprofessional behaviors for a professional workplace unless you work in a dance studio or the circus? What denial process is going on? Understand she is attractive, understand you are flattered but nothing is worse then fighting charges or losing job or telling wife about HR coming to you with a complaint. I truthfully wonder is someone is trying to set you up really. Maybe your job is on the line or they don't want to pay retirement or whatever. Many a man has fallen on this path. Anyways, good luck, may you stay on the right path.

 

[Crossbreed]

Why would you think that this isn't outright unprofessional behaviors for a professional workplace unless you work in a dance studio or the circus? What denial process is going on?

From the OP, I think that he is questioning how to proceed considering the autism/social disability element. He seems fully aware of what it would mean coming from a knowing NT.

 

[Aspychata]

I think it could spell disaster no matter what classification is evident. The op has stated where he is in the career ladder, and other things could be coming into play. It's a tough job market, very competitive, anything is possible.

l side with @Rasputin on the fact that she could file charges, the person that smiled during her flagrant display of poor office tactics could back her up. Duplicity works well with a partner.

 

[DavidH]

I think it could spell disaster no matter what classification is evident. The op has stated where he is in the career ladder, and other things could be coming into play. It's a tough job market, very competitive, anything is possible.

l side with @Rasputin on the fact that she could file charges, the person that smiled during her flagrant display of poor office tactics could back her up. Duplicity works well with a partner.

I appreciate where you're coming from and assume it's done with positive concern.

Getting where I am in the tech field means navigating a lot of tough situations and I've had plenty of discussions with HR professionals. I do everything out in the open. I never meet anyone, men or women, in rooms without outside visibility or at venues that could be misconstrued as "sneaking around".

I told a little fib. I have had women flirt with me in the past but it's usually a one and done deal. I blow them off or ignore them and that's the end of it. Occasionally I've made a big deal of playing with my wedding ring or talking about things I enjoy doing with my wife and kids.

If you look at the original topic, a lot of the individual situations could be harmless and there are usually other cues that make it more obvious. One of the things that has made me successful is I am good at reading people but Alice is harder to read than most people, doesn't throw the same social cues, and it's made me question whether or not she is flirting. I am serious when I say I have never had a subordinate sustain flirtatious behavior.

If she were to complain I know what the investigation will look like. I've had to go through it with other managers. False reports will get you fired. Due to my reputation and other precautions I've taken the worst I am going to get is a slap on the wrist. Seriously. On the other hand this could have serious repercussions on her entire career. I want to believe this is somewhat a naive young lady new to the workforce who just doesn't understand the implications and want to correct the situation. If I find out this is not all innocent and is some kind of set-up it's one email to her current supervisor and she's gone. I've had people take a run at me before but because I do everything in the open and built a solid reputation with lots of people who will vouch for me I am not concerned for myself right now.

 

[Perry]

"I am sorry but I can not go ___________ with you, I have (family, friends) waiting for me". "I spend my personal time with (family, friends) not really people I work with much, I just don't have the time." (no apology for this sentence, only when you begin, by the time you end what you say, she might have for gotten the apology and just hear the firmness.)

 

[Tom]

Yes, flirting her butt off. She may be interested in you, but she may not be so much interested in you as your position/authority. If she gets in good with you the power sort of rubs off on her in some ways. I see it as trying to manipulate you and not caring if she destroys your life in the process.

 

[Crossbreed]

...she may not be so much interested in you as your position/authority. If she gets in good with you the power sort of rubs off on her in some ways. I see it as trying to manipulate you and not caring if she destroys your life in the process.

But he holds no organizational advantage for her. And autism is characterized by being guileless.

 

[Nervous Rex]

As other have mentioned, this isn't necessarily autism-related behavior.

I recently had to give someone else this advice. I hope you find it useful:

1. Leave no room for misinterpretation in any of your communications with her. You don't want to be giving the wrong signals, even inadvertently.

2. When talking to her, casually reference your professional relationship (e.g. "I appreciate your administrative skills").

3. Slip in references to your relationship with your wife as often as possible ("My wife and I are going to a concert tonight" or "We had a great dinner last night.")

4. As much as possible, avoid being alone with her or even having email/text conversations with her and no one else.

5. Start documenting everything you think is odd or off. Consider discussing it with a trusted friend at work for a sanity check. At some point, you may need to ask HR for help - that's a hard decision to make, since it sounds like you're not out to get her fired, but you do need consider how to protect yourself.

 

[Ylva]

I would kill to have someone be as accepting of me as you are of her. Okay, not kill, but commit some lesser metaphorical crime. I would also dress for personal meetings in a way I thought you liked, you being the one who has to look at me the whole time. But I'm too ace to ever have been sexually attracted to anyone.

Even if the lady is not asexual, chances are the real reason she hates her female co-workers is that they infantilize her. Sorry, but I have met too many allistic women to believe otherwise.

So I don't know if she's flirting as far as she's concerned. Maybe she's just trying to please you. You have no idea how confusing it is to see people obsess about "what men like" when you take things literally. In either case, you can tell her in no uncertain terms to stop. She could be doing it for you, and you don't want that, or she could be doing it for her and you can tell her not around you.

 

[Noba Loney]

Rather than speculating about motives, conscious or otherwise, or possible outcomes, and strategising behind the scenes, maybe a simple direct approach could work.

You could say something to her like "Alice, it's great that you seem to trust me and see me as a friend in the organisation but I'm a little concerned at how it might come across to others when you are more friendly with me than with some other colleagues. Do you see what I mean?"

After all that would seem to be the truth. You're not worried that you might be tempted by her advances, what matters here is appearances. If nothing else you will learn quite a bit from her response. And she will probably appreciate the directness.

 

[Mary Terry]

Good advice here. It is irrelevant whether she is autistic and it is not your obligation to protect her job. You need to protect your employer and yourself.

During my 35+ years career as an attorney, I witnessed similar scenarios many times. My law firm was sued for sexual harassment/discrimination by a sexually promiscuous paralegal who engaged in such inappropriate behavior as sending unsolicited sexually explicit emails to male staff members. I sent her home one day to put on a bra because her attire left nothing to the imagination, and I wrote her up in her personnel file for her harassment of a gay male temporary employee whom she thought she could convert. I finally fired her without giving a reason (no reason needed under our state law), resulting in her Title 7 lawsuit against us. After we produced her vulgar emails to male coworkers, her attorneys settled the case for chump change, and I doubt they even recouped their out of pocket expenses. She had autistic traits and I don't know if she was on the spectrum or not, but her neuro status was irrelevant in the context of the work place.

My advice:

Tell HR that she is making you uncomfortable. There needs to be a written record of her conduct.
Ask HR to enforce the office dress code which surely prohibits cleavage displays.
NEVER meet alone with her and keep her at arms length.
Document everything. All information belongs in her personnel file.
Let HR deal with her - not you.
Continue to be professionally polite to her but avoid chitchatting with her.

She must swim or sink on her own.

 

[Tom]

But he holds no organizational advantage for her. And autism is characterized by being guileless.

I do not believe he has to be in the direct chain for their to be advantages. If you are close to one of the bosses people are aware and the implication is that the boss will assist their advancement or just job security.

I can't rule out guilelessness. I don't actually know of course. It's just my read of the tea leaves is she is trying to manipulate. There may be some naivete in that she is unaware of how obvious her game is.

 

[Perry]

You know, this thread reminds me of the notorious Monica Lewinsky affair. It sounds like she was star-struck by pretty boy Bill Clinton (and let's face it, he is/was good-looking) and acted with no expectation of ever coming under public scrutiny. She did somewhat pursue him. In her schoolgirl way (she was an intern just out of college) she might even have had fantasies of a long-term relationship. But it's for sure she never had fantasies of being the butt of a million jokes, and struggling for any sort of career legitimacy.

Unfortunately for her, Bill Clinton was a veteran of several extra-marital affairs and did not consult HR before allowing the behavior to cross the line. He was the worst boss she could have had!

I don't get the impression Monica Lewinsky was autistic, but she was youthful and naive. Together they made a huge mistake that cost them both dearly. (But her, the most, as is often the case.)

Sometimes randy young women have to be saved from themselves.

NOTE: first hand knowledge, Lewinsky is NOT autistic. (end of thought)

 

[GadAbout]

NOTE: first hand knowledge, Lewinsky is NOT autistic. (end of thought)

You are personally acquainted with her?

 

[Juliettaa]

NOTE: first hand knowledge, Lewinsky is NOT autistic. (end of thought)

Is that you Bill?

 

[Gracey]

I don't know, I think pole dancing may be underappreciated as a sport and form of artistic expression...

... but not at your 10am meeting winning that new contract

...or your Annual Performance Review

 

[Aspychata]

First of all, thank you Mary Terry for your voice and going straight for the facts. I liked Yiva's take on this. Gracey is giving me good ideas for my next 10:00 meeting, maybe vertical exercise will help me get the next big contract. Wait, l digest, HR is telling me now it is not braless Friday, omg, my scheduling is horrifying.

 

[Perry]

This JUST HAPPENED, so I am writing it out to you fresh. This might work. This might not work.
Similar situation and the person getting flirted with did the following: talked to wife in front of gal who was flirting and expressed love, emotion and devotion to the wife on the phone. The flirt-er walked away.
The flirt-er approached again, the receiving end of this flirting expressed to "the flirter"... that they were sending a text to a close friend for making plans with them. Again the flirter walked away because she wasn't being spoken to. ALSO... a FaceTime with a pal in front of the flirter was conducted. Topics were of nothing she could relate to. She stood nearby for a matter of minutes, and then.. again... in time... walked away. I repeat this MIGHT work. This might NOT work, but... there ya are'.