Is my autistic co-worker flirting with me?

[Perry]

You are personally acquainted with her?

Yes. I will not go into it further however.

 

[OrangeSquash]

This sounds horrendously cute - but id tend to agree with what others have intimated at... Alice may not know she is doing it, (I've been told I have done this before... been the flirter, but thought I was just being friendly) and also the mindblindedness - she intends to flirt with you, but cannot imagine how this makes you feel.

I'd think a conversation with HR is in order, just to cover your own backside - though I feel its a shame. My aforementioned friendliness wound me up in-front of HR - I was devastated by this.

 

[Perry]

Agreed with having a discussion with HR. BUT for "Alice" directly... I would repeatedly give her the impression that she knows very little about you and your lifestyle is too busy for anything she "might have in mind."

 

[Juliettaa]

Yes. I will not go into it further however.

Of course you won't Bill, you have a reputation to uphold

 

[Crossbreed]

The problem with the continued emphasis on his mate/marriage is that it takes away from "work" time. I like the other approach (offered earlier),

"I am flattered by your interest, but I am already spoken for."

 

[Perry]

Of course you won't Bill, you have a reputation to uphold

funny

I am the autistic Bill Clinton.... yup (lolololololololololololololol)

 

[Aspychata]

funny

I am the autistic Bill Clinton.... yup (lolololololololololololololol)

Just as long as you weren't stimming with said fingers on top of her head as she was taking presidential notes.......

 

[GadAbout]

<< knew I shouldn't have brought up Monica Lewinsky....

 

[DavidH]

I would kill to have someone be as accepting of me as you are of her.

The technology field is full of misfits that often had trouble fitting in growing up. I have constantly dealt with social and cultural issues throughout my career. All the same we still struggle when people are even more different. Autism is not widely accepted by the misfit filled field of technology.

Also, want to point out she doesn't have any issues with her female co-workers when I am not around or if I am focused on her. Except for the one manager who she has casually disrespected when I wasn't anywhere near and I wonder if she is the target of some special ire since she has called repeatedly while Alice and I are in meetings.

This sounds horrendously cute - but id tend to agree with what others have intimated at... Alice may not know she is doing it, (I've been told I have done this before... been the flirter, but thought I was just being friendly) and also the mindblindedness - she intends to flirt with you, but cannot imagine how this makes you feel.

I'd think a conversation with HR is in order, just to cover your own backside - though I feel its a shame. My aforementioned friendliness wound me up in-front of HR - I was devastated by this.

A few facts maybe I should have included that might change a few perceptions. I would never say this to her face for fear she'd think I wasn't taking her seriously as a professional but she is adorably awkward. Not that unusual for young people in their first tech job but usually the lack of social skills combined with inexperience causes more frustration for me.

I also don't think she has any ill intent to use me or anyone else. During the period I cut off contact I found out she was upset with me and some others because she thought I was trying to do her work for her, which would be crazy because I don't have time to do everyone's code and run our group. She really wants to do things on her own. Unfortunately, I think the talk we had later about how I know she can do this and has to prove her skills may have actually made her more attached.

Some of the incidents could be innocent. I don't know she intentionally let me look down her dress. It wasn't low cut that day. That could have been just her showing off how flexible she was. She could have just been stretching and fixing her hair in that meeting. I only mentioned because there is a pattern but some of the incidents could have been unconnected to the overall behavior. A lot of her interactions come across as showing off and general attention getting. Yes, that could very well be still be flirting. I get the impression she doesn't understand "sexy" or how to do it but is trying to attempt it. It feels like a teenager trying to get the attention of her first boyfriend. Which is odd because I know she has had a boyfriend, she mentioned an ex and also I don't get why I am the focus of her attention when there are younger and better looking men all around her.

HR does not know about the autism and her being on probation means I go to HR and they'll release her. They'll do the usual HR thing "We truly care about neurodiversity but unfortunately some individuals just can't perform in our environment. We provide as much reasonable accommodation as we can but we can only do so much." etc.

Due to the sensitivity I can't talk about next steps but I do have some allies in all this and with the input from the members here I think we have a workable plan that will cover our potential liability. Alice's future success really will depend on her, which is what she says she wants.

 

[Ylva]

It sounds to me like she likes you as a person. Maybe she is lonely and thinks she needs a human in her life when what she really needs is a pet. It is a common mistake.

Maybe you can find a way to have her read about asexuality without knowing it came from you. It's just that if she is an ace who thinks she's straight, it could be extremely liberating for her to find out. Speaking as an ace who was gaslit into believing literally everyone was allo and spent my youth with some kind of obsessive flirting disorder.

I love how you say "trying to attempt", because that is exactly what it was like.

Jedis do or do not. Closeted aces try to try.

I get the impression she doesn't understand "sexy" or how to do it but is trying to attempt it.

 

[Crossbreed]

Maybe you can find a way to have her read about asexuality without knowing it came from you. It's just that if she is an ace who thinks she's straight, it could be extremely liberating for her to find out. Speaking as an ace who was gaslit into believing literally everyone was allo and spent my youth with some kind of obsessive flirting disorder.

Her behavior sounds like it is more reflexive, if she doesn't even realize that she is doing it or its impact.

(If she were a striving "ace," she would not just pick a single person to appeal to.)

 

[Ylva]

Yeah, she would.

 

[DavidH]

I'm perfectly fine discussing topics around professionalism and technology but I am going to be staying far far far away from anything around sexuality. I read stories of HR disasters all the time and it's usually caused by someone talking about something they have no business talking about.

 

[Ylva]

Don't discuss it with her. Mention to your wife on the phone that some rando on the internet kept bringing it up, or something.

Or don't. You really don't need anything to do with her personal life. Maybe send her here, though? With neurotypical guile?

 

[Aspychata]

@Yiva


Yes, you need to check out this random site l came across last nite ,(as l was in bed with my wife) as l was on my phone. There are no similarities between me and David H, but he could be my brother.

 

[Mia]

A lot of her interactions come across as showing off and general attention getting. Yes, that could very well be still be flirting. I get the impression she doesn't understand "sexy" or how to do it but is trying to attempt it. It feels like a teenager trying to get the attention of her first boyfriend.

She likely does not understand sexy or even what flirting is, but is attempting it. Autistic females often emulate others, from books, television, videos and movies. As that is the way they think females act in real life situations. It's possible that she has learned all of these mannerisms from media. Some autistic females, learn from other peers when growing up, they copy them. The way they dress, speak, and act.

 

[Ylva]

@Yiva


Yes, you need to check out this random site l came across last nite ,(as l was in bed with my wife) as l was on my phone. There are no similarities between me and David H, but he could be my brother.

Y'all keep mentioning talking on the phone around her, not out of rudeness but to remind her that he has family. Well, why not do something useful with it, I say.

She likely does not understand sexy or even what flirting, but is attempting it. Autistic females often emulate others, from books, television, videos and movies. As that is the way they think females act in real life situations. It's possible that she has learned all of these mannerisms from media. Some autistic females, learn from other peers when growing up, they copy them. The way they dress, speak, and act.

Frankly, so you do you.

 

[Mia]

Frankly, so you do you.

And?

 

[Ylva]

And, what's so special about it? Maybe you don't quote a movie to express your opinion, but you're quoting someone.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

I'm not even a little NT, but even I know that asking a bunch of autistic people what constitutes flirting, as if we all flirt in the same manner, is less than constructive.

The best advice I can give you is to pay attention the the "D" in ND.