Is my autistic co-worker flirting with me?

[DavidH]

This is a sensitive situation but it's the real reason I sought out a place like this.

I am a married middle aged man. I’m in senior management but not an executive. I have a new team member straight out of college who started out reporting to me but was transferred over to another team where we thought she’d be a better fit. We still work together but she is not a direct report. We’ll call her “Alice”.

Alice told me after she was hired that she is "a little autistic". She does not understand social cues, often says things as a joke that come across as insulting, and definitely has sensory issues. She can be social though tends to keep to herself mostly. Her work performance has been good. She learns quickly and is eager to prove herself.

There have been a lot of little behaviors that individually mean nothing to me or are a coincidence but it is starting to feel like a pattern. This has all happened within the last few months.

Alice is always excited to see me. Big smile, asks about my day. Doesn’t really talk to her co-workers much though. Occasionally I have to call her to my office and she comes right away. I mean drops whatever she is doing and is there. At one point I needed to discuss something on her team but it wasn’t urgent and just asked her to drop by before she left for the day. She came immediately. For awhile when we worked in the same building she would walk by my office and wave goodbye and stopped to chat once when my door was open.

Most of the time she dresses conservatively but for a scheduled meeting that was just the two of us she came in a low cut top which was very distracting and she leaned over a lot and had me show her something on my laptop so we were sitting right next to each other. At the time I didn’t think much of it but when I was near her work area later she was covered up.

I was having a discussion with her co-workers and for some reason it turned into a conversation about flexibility. She had to show off how flexible she was and gave me a good view down her dress. Her male co-worker kind of gave me a look and a smile. She doesn’t behave this way when I am not around, she is quiet and reserved, though I am told she is kind of bossy to others just not when other managers aren't around. She has made a point of working her former life as a dancer (not the “exotic” kind!) into our conversations and has shown me some dance moves in my office.

She has twice offered to meet me outside the office somewhere near where she lives. It was to discuss work matters and not inappropriate by itself but just odd how she mentioned a place near her house.

She has acted jealous of a female manager I work closely with. When the other manager has been in the work area Alice has actively ignored her. Alice takes a sudden interest in her phone and one time she rolled her eyes at the female manager. On another occasion I was talking to a new hire who is a very attractive young lady but even though the conversation was entirely professional Alice turned her back on us. In a meeting with other teams I starting giving examples about how well one of our team members who is also female did and Alice started stretching and fixing the back of her hair so her arms were behind her and her chest was sticking out. She was sitting directly in front of me.

Basically anytime I give attention to another woman she either disengages, acts rude to the other woman, or tries to get my attention. This behavior for sure does not happen with the other men she works with. When I am not around or at least not giving attention to other women she is friendly to them. She doesn't care if I am interacting with other men and engages normally in those conversations.

Oddly enough, I thought she was upset with me for awhile because her texts and IM’s come across curt like I am bothering her. I dropped contact for a few days unless absolutely necessary but when we talked later she said she didn’t want to bother me because I was busy but was disappointed I stopped checking on her. She isn’t approaching me but wants me to keep coming by her work area.

She knows I am married and a lot of these behaviors seem like coincidences or minor things but it is beginning to feel like a pattern. I work with a lot of women but none of them ever seem to be flirting with me even though I have close friendly relationships it always feels above board. A woman who reports to me has noticed Alice's jealousy and is warning me to be careful.

Is she flirting with me? I want to address the situation but if I am misreading it the situation could get even more awkward. Our college hires start out on a probationary period and can be released for any reason so bringing HR into this could end her job. At the same time if I cut off contact it could look like discrimination.

I like Alice a lot. We have a lot in common and I think she has great potential. If I'm misreading her behavior I think I can coach her to be more appropriate. If she has a more personal interest in me I am not sure what to do. In my entire management career I have never had a subordinate interested in me, much less someone on the spectrum.

 

[Judge]

The "pattern" is there alright. I've seen this before in the office environment. Flirting with you? Only as a means to an end. - The end being to quickly advance on the job. Nothing really personal- it's strictly business.

She probably does have great potential. But she's likely going to use it in all of the wrong ways. When she falters, just make sure you are sufficiently distanced from her so that you aren't taken down with her when she reaches out to you as a life preserver.

I wouldn't consider any of this relative to being on the spectrum. Social dynamics connected with work that can potentially occur with any neurological profile. After all, ambition isn't a monopoly for just Neurotypicals.

 

[GadAbout]

Yes, she's flirting with you. She seems to have a crush on you.

But - and here's the tricky part - she might not even realize this, herself.

Many people with autism have alexithymia, which means unable to recognize and properly name their real feelings. So she might not even be aware that she is acting in a noticeably flirtatious manner with you. Unfortunately, if you call her on it, she is likely to be extremely deflated.

The other thing that occurs to me is mind-blindness. In other words she might be playfully putting herself forward, without understanding what a difficult place that puts you in, or even the other women co-workers. Lots of times, people with autism don't recognize why something is inappropriate.

My recommendation, and others here will differ, is to avoid contact with her, because this situation is a minefield. The number of ways it could go south is large. Eventually, she will move on with her career and her life. And that will solve your problem.

 

[DavidH]

The "pattern" is there alright. I've seen this before in the office environment

Just to be clear, she is no longer in my reporting structure at all. She knows I am not part of the decision making for whether or not she passes probation.

However, I have seen this behavior from sales reps and it's just tiresome. I've had some brown nosers before as well.

You could be right, but she'd be wasting her time.

 

[Judge]

Just to be clear, she is no longer in my reporting structure at all. She knows I am not part of the decision making for whether or not she passes probation.

However, I have seen this behavior from sales reps and it's just tiresome. I've had some brown nosers before as well.

You could be right, but she'd be wasting her time.

I remember two of them who were actually friends. Incessantly trying to be buddies always with select people in management. It never ended...and everyone knew their game. - "Aggressive networking".

Consequently they never really advanced in the corporation...yet they never stopped either. Go figure.

 

[Juliettaa]

My recommendation, and others here will differ, is to avoid contact with her, because this situation is a minefield.

I don't differ from that advice.

First and foremost you have to protect yourself and avoiding contact is the way to do this.

The pattern of behaviour does suggest flirting and is, from what you've described, inappropriate. It could be seen as sexual harassment. Just because you're a man and she's a woman does not remove that element.

As mentioned before, she may not be aware of how she's coming across or that her behaviour is not appropriate; however I do not think that you should be involved in coaching her. Autistic or not, it's her behaviour that's the issue, not autism.

 

[Crossbreed]

I cannot know for sure, but this is my read.

Autistic people (and, frequently, gifted people) are socially under-developed (by definition), but our bodies (libido, etc.) develop normally. You end up having somebody with less-than-mature sensibilities trying to manage a body with full adult drives. My guess is that her reaction to you is primarily reflexive. That she hasn't thought out the consequences of her actions or questioned their (in)appropriateness.

I don't think that it is premeditated. I think that she is attracted to you and (without conscious thought) wants you to be attracted to her.

Our childish qualities afford us a bit more flexibility in our thinking/creativity, but this is definitely a down side and needs to be reigned in in the workplace, autistic or not. It will be one of the harder (and humiliating) lessons she will have to learn. (This happens with male autistics toward women, too. It just looks different.)

(My non-verbal 25yo daughter/ward has similar reactions to guests. Her doctor said that should diminish around age 26.)

Even for myself, my eyes might brighten, reflexively, when certain women come into view, but being married, I don't give it a second thought and go back to whatever I was doing.

If she is a worthwhile employee, having a "chaperone" at your meetings with her may be a necessary accommodation (at least, for a while).

 

[Mia]

She knows exactly what's she's doing. And it is flirting and attempting to get your attention. She's likely attracted to you and likes you.

If I were in your situation, I would be polite but very clear that you are not interested in anything other than an employee relationship. Something on the scale of your flattered but married. She'll appreciate the honesty, it might hurt her for awhile. But it's the best thing to do under the circumstances.

Rather than her thinking that your friendliness is something more than it actually is. She may be misinterpreting your way of interacting, so you need to be clear.

 

[Perry]

No chance she is only interested in you as a person and wants a friend?
In a social situation can you mention repeatedly "My wife, my wife, my family." "My loved ones."
That might get through ... only if repeated though.

Not to address a situation head on so to speak but to mention someone who you already care for and have interest in, more than interest in her, might get the point through....

This is a sensitive situation but it's the real reason I sought out a place like this.

I am a married middle aged man. I’m in senior management but not an executive. I have a new team member straight out of college who started out reporting to me but was transferred over to another team where we thought she’d be a better fit. We still work together but she is not a direct report. We’ll call her “Alice”.

Alice told me after she was hired that she is "a little autistic". She does not understand social cues, often says things as a joke that come across as insulting, and definitely has sensory issues. She can be social though tends to keep to herself mostly. Her work performance has been good. She learns quickly and is eager to prove herself.

There have been a lot of little behaviors that individually mean nothing to me or are a coincidence but it is starting to feel like a pattern. This has all happened within the last few months.

Alice is always excited to see me. Big smile, asks about my day. Doesn’t really talk to her co-workers much though. Occasionally I have to call her to my office and she comes right away. I mean drops whatever she is doing and is there. At one point I needed to discuss something on her team but it wasn’t urgent and just asked her to drop by before she left for the day. She came immediately. For awhile when we worked in the same building she would walk by my office and wave goodbye and stopped to chat once when my door was open.

Most of the time she dresses conservatively but for a scheduled meeting that was just the two of us she came in a low cut top which was very distracting and she leaned over a lot and had me show her something on my laptop so we were sitting right next to each other. At the time I didn’t think much of it but when I was near her work area later she was covered up.

I was having a discussion with her co-workers and for some reason it turned into a conversation about flexibility. She had to show off how flexible she was and gave me a good view down her dress. Her male co-worker kind of gave me a look and a smile. She doesn’t behave this way when I am not around, she is quiet and reserved, though I am told she is kind of bossy to others just not when other managers aren't around. She has made a point of working her former life as a dancer (not the “exotic” kind!) into our conversations and has shown me some dance moves in my office.

She has twice offered to meet me outside the office somewhere near where she lives. It was to discuss work matters and not inappropriate by itself but just odd how she mentioned a place near her house.

She has acted jealous of a female manager I work closely with. When the other manager has been in the work area Alice has actively ignored her. Alice takes a sudden interest in her phone and one time she rolled her eyes at the female manager. On another occasion I was talking to a new hire who is a very attractive young lady but even though the conversation was entirely professional Alice turned her back on us. In a meeting with other teams I starting giving examples about how well one of our team members who is also female did and Alice started stretching and fixing the back of her hair so her arms were behind her and her chest was sticking out. She was sitting directly in front of me.

Basically anytime I give attention to another woman she either disengages, acts rude to the other woman, or tries to get my attention. This behavior for sure does not happen with the other men she works with. When I am not around or at least not giving attention to other women she is friendly to them. She doesn't care if I am interacting with other men and engages normally in those conversations.

Oddly enough, I thought she was upset with me for awhile because her texts and IM’s come across curt like I am bothering her. I dropped contact for a few days unless absolutely necessary but when we talked later she said she didn’t want to bother me because I was busy but was disappointed I stopped checking on her. She isn’t approaching me but wants me to keep coming by her work area.

She knows I am married and a lot of these behaviors seem like coincidences or minor things but it is beginning to feel like a pattern. I work with a lot of women but none of them ever seem to be flirting with me even though I have close friendly relationships it always feels above board. A woman who reports to me has noticed Alice's jealousy and is warning me to be careful.

Is she flirting with me? I want to address the situation but if I am misreading it the situation could get even more awkward. Our college hires start out on a probationary period and can be released for any reason so bringing HR into this could end her job. At the same time if I cut off contact it could look like discrimination.

I like Alice a lot. We have a lot in common and I think she has great potential. If I'm misreading her behavior I think I can coach her to be more appropriate. If she has a more personal interest in me I am not sure what to do. In my entire management career I have never had a subordinate interested in me, much less someone on the spectrum.

 

[Perry]

No chance she is only interested in you as a person and wants a friend?
In a social situation can you mention repeatedly "My wife, my wife, my family." "My loved ones."
That might get through ... only if repeated though.

Not to address a situation head on so to speak but to mention someone who you already care for and have interest in, more than interest in her, might get the point through....

If heard repeatedly by mentioning others that you care for ... might work.
Wife, family. Close friends for over a period of years. She does not know you as well as these types of people do, so if she feels out of her element when you mention OTHERS... it could help.

 

[Gracey]

Are showing you dance moves,
allowing a view down the front of her dress; so obvious a colleague smiled at you,
and stretching so her breasts are almost in your face all part of her job description?

Do you manage a pole dancing club?

If she's aware you have nothing to do with her promotion,
is aware you're happily married,
You haven't encouraged any of this behaviour,
it's beginning to make you feel uncomfortable,
then you have a problem.

Reverse it.
If she were senior management and you conducted and displayed yourself in the same sexual manner toward her,
what do you think might happen?

"A little bit autistic" or no.
it reads like she's overstepping professional boundaries.

 

[GadAbout]

No chance she is only interested in you as a person and wants a friend?
In a social situation can you mention repeatedly "My wife, my wife, my family." "My loved ones."
That might get through ... only if repeated though.

Not to address a situation head on so to speak but to mention someone who you already care for and have interest in, more than interest in her, might get the point through....

As I told DavidH in another thread today, autistic people are really bad at taking a hint.

 

[Perry]

As I told DavidH in another thread today, autistic people are really bad at taking a hint.

LOL so true GadAbout... so very very true. That is why I mentioned the repetition ... m A y B e that m i g h t work...

 

[GadAbout]

You know, this thread reminds me of the notorious Monica Lewinsky affair. It sounds like she was star-struck by pretty boy Bill Clinton (and let's face it, he is/was good-looking) and acted with no expectation of ever coming under public scrutiny. She did somewhat pursue him. In her schoolgirl way (she was an intern just out of college) she might even have had fantasies of a long-term relationship. But it's for sure she never had fantasies of being the butt of a million jokes, and struggling for any sort of career legitimacy.

Unfortunately for her, Bill Clinton was a veteran of several extra-marital affairs and did not consult HR before allowing the behavior to cross the line. He was the worst boss she could have had!

I don't get the impression Monica Lewinsky was autistic, but she was youthful and naive. Together they made a huge mistake that cost them both dearly. (But her, the most, as is often the case.)

Sometimes randy young women have to be saved from themselves.

 

[Perry]

If heard repeatedly by mentioning others that you care for ... might work.
Wife, family. Close friends for over a period of years. She does not know you as well as these types of people do, so if she feels out of her element when you mention OTHERS... it could help.

YES it is very difficult for autistics to take a hint that is true. But if you talk about a large social life outside of work and your family and your friends and people you have known for sooo much longer than her, she might think to herself. "I would like to know him, but I don't." "It sounds like sooo many other people know him." BUT I stress... the mentioning has to be repeated. Giving the impression that she does not matter to you as much as others do. That other people mean more to you than she. So repeat and firm.

 

[Rasputin]

This is a sensitive situation but it's the real reason I sought out a place like this.

I am a married middle aged man. I’m in senior management but not an executive. I have a new team member straight out of college who started out reporting to me but was transferred over to another team where we thought she’d be a better fit. We still work together but she is not a direct report. We’ll call her “Alice”.

Alice told me after she was hired that she is "a little autistic". She does not understand social cues, often says things as a joke that come across as insulting, and definitely has sensory issues. She can be social though tends to keep to herself mostly. Her work performance has been good. She learns quickly and is eager to prove herself.

There have been a lot of little behaviors that individually mean nothing to me or are a coincidence but it is starting to feel like a pattern. This has all happened within the last few months.

Alice is always excited to see me. Big smile, asks about my day. Doesn’t really talk to her co-workers much though. Occasionally I have to call her to my office and she comes right away. I mean drops whatever she is doing and is there. At one point I needed to discuss something on her team but it wasn’t urgent and just asked her to drop by before she left for the day. She came immediately. For awhile when we worked in the same building she would walk by my office and wave goodbye and stopped to chat once when my door was open.

Most of the time she dresses conservatively but for a scheduled meeting that was just the two of us she came in a low cut top which was very distracting and she leaned over a lot and had me show her something on my laptop so we were sitting right next to each other. At the time I didn’t think much of it but when I was near her work area later she was covered up.

I was having a discussion with her co-workers and for some reason it turned into a conversation about flexibility. She had to show off how flexible she was and gave me a good view down her dress. Her male co-worker kind of gave me a look and a smile. She doesn’t behave this way when I am not around, she is quiet and reserved, though I am told she is kind of bossy to others just not when other managers aren't around. She has made a point of working her former life as a dancer (not the “exotic” kind!) into our conversations and has shown me some dance moves in my office.

She has twice offered to meet me outside the office somewhere near where she lives. It was to discuss work matters and not inappropriate by itself but just odd how she mentioned a place near her house.

She has acted jealous of a female manager I work closely with. When the other manager has been in the work area Alice has actively ignored her. Alice takes a sudden interest in her phone and one time she rolled her eyes at the female manager. On another occasion I was talking to a new hire who is a very attractive young lady but even though the conversation was entirely professional Alice turned her back on us. In a meeting with other teams I starting giving examples about how well one of our team members who is also female did and Alice started stretching and fixing the back of her hair so her arms were behind her and her chest was sticking out. She was sitting directly in front of me.

Basically anytime I give attention to another woman she either disengages, acts rude to the other woman, or tries to get my attention. This behavior for sure does not happen with the other men she works with. When I am not around or at least not giving attention to other women she is friendly to them. She doesn't care if I am interacting with other men and engages normally in those conversations.

Oddly enough, I thought she was upset with me for awhile because her texts and IM’s come across curt like I am bothering her. I dropped contact for a few days unless absolutely necessary but when we talked later she said she didn’t want to bother me because I was busy but was disappointed I stopped checking on her. She isn’t approaching me but wants me to keep coming by her work area.

She knows I am married and a lot of these behaviors seem like coincidences or minor things but it is beginning to feel like a pattern. I work with a lot of women but none of them ever seem to be flirting with me even though I have close friendly relationships it always feels above board. A woman who reports to me has noticed Alice's jealousy and is warning me to be careful.

Is she flirting with me? I want to address the situation but if I am misreading it the situation could get even more awkward. Our college hires start out on a probationary period and can be released for any reason so bringing HR into this could end her job. At the same time if I cut off contact it could look like discrimination.

I like Alice a lot. We have a lot in common and I think she has great potential. If I'm misreading her behavior I think I can coach her to be more appropriate. If she has a more personal interest in me I am not sure what to do. In my entire management career I have never had a subordinate interested in me, much less someone on the spectrum.

I am looking at this from a different perspective. If you try to deal with this situation by yourself, is there any chance that she could become angry at being jilted, and then file a harassment charge against you? I have seen some younger employees game the "system" by making false harassment charges. And HR generally presumes the charge as valid unless they find evidence to the contrary. I would advise making an appointment with someone in HR to discuss the incidents and ask them for guidance. That way if something blows up you have already brought the situation to HRs attention.

 

[Rasputin]

Are showing you dance moves,
allowing a view down the front of her dress; so obvious a colleague smiled at you,
and stretching so her breasts are almost in your face all part of her job description?

Do you manage a pole dancing club?

If she's aware you have nothing to do with her promotion,
is aware you're happily married,
You haven't encouraged any of this behaviour,
it's beginning to make you feel uncomfortable,
then you have a problem.

Reverse it.
If she were senior management and you conducted and displayed yourself in the same sexual manner toward her,
what do you think might happen?

"A little bit autistic" or no.
it reads like she's overstepping professional boundaries.

I don't know, I think pole dancing may be underappreciated as a sport and form of artistic expression. Seriously, I agree with you that this is a big problem and needs to be addressed by DavidH quickly.

 

[Schism]

She has twice offered to meet me outside the office somewhere near where she lives. It was to discuss work matters and not inappropriate by itself but just odd how she mentioned a place near her house.

Red light right here! You think this is not inappropriate? ? This is highly inappropriate for a married man. Discuss work matters at work!

She may have attached to you as you give her extra attention. May or may not be sexual from her point of view but could easily be misconstrued from both sides. You need to detach & like others said, mention your family more, stick photos on your desk or something & do not take it upon yourself to personally 'coach her'. A dangerous path you're walking.

Whatever her thinking, you are aware of her autistic traits & as her senior should lead by example. Be friendly & encourage her professionally in the workplace but no more, definitely no more. Clearly, other colleagues are noticing something 'off', remember the office grapevine can be extremely damaging to you both.

 

[Rasputin]

YES it is very difficult for autistics to take a hint that is true. But if you talk about a large social life outside of work and your family and your friends and people you have known for sooo much longer than her, she might think to herself. "I would like to know him, but I don't." "It sounds like sooo many other people know him." BUT I stress... the mentioning has to be repeated. Giving the impression that she does not matter to you as much as others do. That other people mean more to you than she. So repeat and firm.

If she feels jilted by DavidH, she could file a false harrassment charge. She has a male co-worker who was an eye witness to her posturing herself in a provocative manner, and DavidH did nothing. This can be used against DavidH if she were to file a charge and the charge was presumed to be true.

 

[Major Tom]

She has twice offered to meet me outside the office somewhere near where she lives. It was to discuss work matters and not inappropriate by itself but just odd how she mentioned a place near her house.

How do you know where she lives?