Is knowing making it worse?

[JMcCauley]

When my psychiatrist first suggested I had Asperger's, I was relieved. I felt like I had an explanation for all of the things that were wrong in my life. Before, I really thought I was just a jerk, and lacked social skills for one reason or another.

Now I feel trapped. I feel as though having Asperger's is who I am and I can't escape it. I'm so aware now of all of the unnatural things I've been forcing myself into, and the actual me that feels close to full blown autistic, rather than aspergic. I don't know whether to get better at faking, and being normal, or to let go and be myself. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm trapped somewhere in the middle.

Has anyone else here felt worse after being diagnosed?

 

[Suzanne]

Although not professionally diagnosed, I have been unofficially diagnosed by one who's son is aspergic and another, who worked with an aspie, and my husband believes me and a few others, and that is good enough for me.

I would answer no, because I feel that at last, I know why I have struggled all my life, but actually, and thanks to you posting, gets me thinking and in a way, I feel sort of similar to you. Because I am married to an nt, my lack of things is very much highlighted and I feel caught between, can I change or can't I change such and such and it gets confusing.

My husband has a habit of just dropping things on to me ie ideas or this is what is taking place and I freak out and want to run. So, this morning he says he wants the kitchen emptied, so that he can start on insulating our roof and I could feel myself slipping and had to really stop myself from going into a full meltdown, which is a BAD idea with hubby as he will make me worse! What got me through it, was him having to go out for about an hour and so, with him gone, I could gather my tattered thoughts and take a deep breath and say: you can do this Suzanne. What helped enormously, was knowing I had things to do and so, I managed to get the ironing done and a few bits to sew, which helped to calm me down. Unfortunately, when I go into a sort of meltdown, I become very lethargic, which is a no no, in my household ie hubby and me.

So, yes, knowing I have this issue, does make it hard to find a balance, because my husband will chose when I can use what is wrong with me, as an excuse; not me!

Personally, however, I am happy to be an aspie, because I notice that my deep need for justice, is very much an aspie thing and there are other traits that I like.

What is a good idea to think is how an nt things. I mean they do not go around thinking: which part of me is an nt and which part isn't? They just accept that they are "normal". I accept that being an aspie is me and I am ok with that. I do not see myself as autistic because I do not look handicapped, for want of a better word. At least, those who I have seen who are autistic, are plainly so, which means they look autistic and I simply do not look like that.

We may feel like aliens, but put us in a room full of aspies lol and very soon, we would not feel alien! We are human beings and it is others, who dictate how we should be, which is what causes the anxiety. I know that I struggle horrendously to say the right thing and end up, not chatting at all, in the fear I will get strange and disapproving looks my way.

It is not easy being an aspie, in a world of nts!

 

[Warmheart]

I think once we get over the initial bomb blast, the dust settles a bit, and we begin to notice all the cool aspies online, on TV, in popular culture who are self-assured, comfortable in their own skin, and happy. (Talented, too!) Then, you start to set aside your list of challenges and sufferings due to ASD, and you now take stock of the list of awesomeness that comes from the ASD, and you claim that awesomeness!

This is a situation I am working through, as well. Take your time to process all this. Be patient, and allow yourself your horror, your grief. It will all work itself out. Right now, your weaknesses are apparent, and loom large. Soon, your strengths will be much more clear, and that aspie awesomeness? You'll own it.

The more positives you perceive from your ASD, the more you'll be happy to be who you are.

"Your focus determines your reality." -- Qui-Gon Jinn

 

[Judge]

Has anyone else here felt worse after being diagnosed?

I haven't been formally diagnosed, but as far as I'm concerned, becoming aware of my own neurology has given me something I didn't have before.

Direction.

I now have a sense of what I can and cannot achieve. What I might be able to improve if I choose, and to recognize what I cannot overcome. Self-awareness empowers me in a way that ignorance and confusion cannot.

 

[Rhymer]

I was officially diagnosed in October. I was relieved for a couple of weeks but then I started to analyse my life since
my teenage years and it made me realise the reasons behind all things I did that hurt people close to me. This was mainly due to my inability to show any real empathy towards them(Girlfriends, Parents etc.).
As I continue to look back over my past I'm filled with tinges of sadness and anger at all the things I screwed up and all the chances I missed because of this condition I have...

 

[TragicKingdom]

When my psychiatrist first suggested I had Asperger's, I was relieved. I felt like I had an explanation for all of the things that were wrong in my life. Before, I really thought I was just a jerk, and lacked social skills for one reason or another.

Now I feel trapped. I feel as though having Asperger's is who I am and I can't escape it. I'm so aware now of all of the unnatural things I've been forcing myself into, and the actual me that feels close to full blown autistic, rather than aspergic. I don't know whether to get better at faking, and being normal, or to let go and be myself. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm trapped somewhere in the middle.

Has anyone else here felt worse after being diagnosed?

I was diagnosed by my Psychiatrist five years ago and it was a sudden relief; it explained so much, starting from when I was a very young child up until now.

In some ways I am happy to have Aspergers. That is very difficult to explain to others and to NTs. In some ways it is a gift.

But, in other ways, it is obviously a curse: I am triggered by the smallest things sometimes, have "bizarre" obsessions, cannot stand to be around large groups of people for more than maybe a hour or two (which makes it very difficult to hold a normal job or to have "normal" social interactions).

I feel very isolated in this lately. Lonely. In some ways it is getting worse.

 

[Rhymer]

I used to feel so lonely but I'm over that now.I love my own company

 

[baz]

When my psychiatrist first suggested I had Asperger's, I was relieved. I felt like I had an explanation for all of the things that were wrong in my life. Before, I really thought I was just a jerk, and lacked social skills for one reason or another.

Now I feel trapped. I feel as though having Asperger's is who I am and I can't escape it. I'm so aware now of all of the unnatural things I've been forcing myself into, and the actual me that feels close to full blown autistic, rather than aspergic. I don't know whether to get better at faking, and being normal, or to let go and be myself. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm trapped somewhere in the middle.

Has anyone else here felt worse after being diagnosed?

 

[baz]

Hi
initially I was very confused by my diagnosis like you said do you carry on as you were or do you be your true self.
For me I am gradually leaving the fake persona behind because now that I have a definitive diagnosis as to who I am it helps me to be the real me good or bad.
I think that once you have had the diagnosis you owe it to yourself to accept you for who you are.
good luck with your journey I'm still on mine but I do believe eventually I and you will find peace and acceptance.

 

[Balkan1996]

Knowing it made it better in my case.

Diagnosis explained me that I'm not a human freak of nature, I'm rather biologically different from others. Like a different breed.

 

[Kirsty]

Knowing made sense of my world to this day since childhood. Was a light bulb moment. It hasn't made things 'worse'. I understand high functioning autism a lot more than I ever did after Googling my diagnosis to get a better understanding of myself.

 

[wyverary]

It took me a full ten years to get past that shock...I'm not even kidding. Being on here helped a lot, as did finally finding a therapist specializing in autism. I hope you'll find some peace of mind, through whatever means you can.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I personally have not, but I have heard others describe what you're going through. They start with "Yay, I'm autistic!" and go to "crap, I'm autistic". Don't let it get you down, keep processing, analyzing, and evaluating. You'll get through it and find the new balance you need.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Now I feel trapped. I feel as though having Asperger's is who I am and I can't escape it. I'm so aware now of all of the unnatural things I've been forcing myself into, and the actual me that feels close to full blown autistic, rather than aspergic. I don't know whether to get better at faking, and being normal, or to let go and be myself. I feel like I don't belong, like I'm trapped somewhere in the middle.

I feel this same way on many levels...the question you asked, Do I "get better at faking", or "let go and be myself"??? ...nails it. I hear you.

But knowing the explanation for why, I don't think that makes it worse. It helps to give me insight into what the issues are. When I discovered the AS, I realized I had been trying to make a trip across country with a trip to the next town mentality. I couldn't figure out why I never got to where I was going! But it made sense when I realized I had sooooo far to go, and even though I was making progress, it is just going to take a while and a lot of hard work.

Sometimes I feel hopeless, because I wonder if I'll ever be able to do the things that I was trying to learn...I had always thought that I would be a normal person just as soon as I learned how to act just the right way, and I kept working at it. At least then I had hope that I would one day be normal. But it was a false hope. I'd rather be hopeless, I think, than hope in something that's not possible. The challenge now is figuring out what to actually hope for...what is a realistic goal? What do I want my life to look like, knowing now what I know about myself? What can I expect? And I feel like I'm just making it through one day at a time, a little here and a little there, without being able to see the big picture (and I'm the kind of person who really needs to see the big picture!).

I feel like I don't belong anywhere, that no one can possibly understand what life is like for me, and worse, realizing now that I actually might never be able to explain it to anyone because my world is so drastically different from what other people experience...that I might never feel like anyone else is capable of entering my world. All my life I watched other people interacting and felt like it was just a competition to see who could fake it better...who could appear more normal. It's only been recently that I realized that most people actually feel real in those situations.

 

[JDartistic]

I'm like you. At first, I felt relieved & even forgave myself for most of my regrets but then I got scared of my future. I'm more autistic, too, but bc I'm older, most of my behaviors I've adjusted to fit in. But I'm so isolated & worry about my future. How do we face our retirement years? Most of you are probably young but I'm 52 & get rather stressed out over my financial security & having no family or friends.

I've always been optimistic but here recently, I've fallen prey to a depression. I'll eventually pull myself out of it but I'm still struggling with facing an isolated future.

 

[baz]

I'm like you. At first, I felt relieved & even forgave myself for most of my regrets but then I got scared of my future. I'm more autistic, too, but bc I'm older, most of my behaviors I've adjusted to fit in. But I'm so isolated & worry about my future. How do we face our retirement years? Most of you are probably young but I'm 52 & get rather stressed out over my financial security & having no family or friends.

I've always been optimistic but here recently, I've fallen prey to a depression. I'll eventually pull myself out of it but I'm still struggling with facing an isolated future.

Hi
I'm the same age as you and in a very similar situation to you as well.
I continually worry about the damage I have done to my family and the mental scars they carry because of my irrational behaviour over many years of living with me.
like you I have become isolated from everyone but I do still have my wife but I feel our relationship has changed since the diagnosis. All I see when I look at her now is the sadness in her eyes and the pain that I have caused her. It breaks my heart.
I understand your concerns for the future but for me I live week by week and the future will be what it will be.
I try to force myself to mot think too deeply about anything though of course it's hard to do as with aspergers we over analyse everything. Still we must try to keep on top of negativity as for me that's when all the **** starts and it all falls apart.

 

[DogwoodTree]

All I see when I look at her now is the sadness in her eyes and the pain that I have caused her. It breaks my heart.

Yep, this, when I look at my DH. I'm working so hard to be for him what he needs, but I feel like I'm never enough, not in the areas that he really wants me to be there for him.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I think that when my family and I realized i'm probably an aspie, it didn't make it worse but it did two things that, in a way, might give that impression. (1) it explained all of my odd quirks and sensitivities that all my twenty something years i'd shrugged off as me simply not trying hard enough or being too sensitive, too weak of a person. And (2) as time went on, it highlighted issues that were caused by AS as they occurred. Say i have an embarrassing moment behind the cash register misunderstanding a customer; now that i know i have AS, its suddenly not just a simple misunderstanding, its something biological within me and that brings up all sorts of connected emotions - i feel bad about it and wish i could change and do feel slightly inadequate cause of it in moments like those.

I don't think i'm making sense - allergies are hell for me today, so i'm tired and not feeling 100%. But that's the gist of it - it didn't make it worse literally, but it does appear to just because suddenly i'm very self-aware whereas before i just shrugged everything off.

 

[Judge]

I think that when my family and I realized i'm probably an aspie, it didn't make it worse but it did two things that, in a way, might give that impression. (1) it explained all of my odd quirks and sensitivities that all my twenty something years i'd shrugged off as me simply not trying hard enough or being too sensitive, too weak of a person. And (2) as time went on, it highlighted issues that were caused by AS as they occurred. Say i have an embarrassing moment behind the cash register misunderstanding a customer; now that i know i have AS, its suddenly not just a simple misunderstanding, its something biological within me and that brings up all sorts of connected emotions - i feel bad about it and wish i could change and do feel slightly inadequate cause of it in moments like those.

I don't think i'm making sense - allergies are hell for me today, so i'm tired and not feeling 100%. But that's the gist of it - it didn't make it worse literally, but it does appear to just because suddenly i'm very self-aware whereas before i just shrugged everything off.

You're making sense alright. It's just that in your case there's something that compounds it all. That you're working in a capacity that at times doesn't suit your neurological profile. But then we can't all just get up and quit a job just because of such issues either. Being self-aware, about all you can do is to take each day one at a time knowing you may have good days and bad days. And not to beat yourself up over that which you have little or no control over.

I never had the ability to understand my issues with dealing with people on the job. I could only trust my instincts at the time...which eventually led me to leave my job that evolved into something I could no longer tolerate. Yet in looking back, it's almost as if my instincts somewhat made up for what I couldn't understand at the time.

 

[Kari Suttle]

You're making sense alright. It's just that in your case there's something that compounds it all. That you're working in a capacity that at times doesn't suit your neurological profile. But then we can't all just get up and quit a job just because of such issues either. Being self-aware, about all you can do is to take each day one at a time knowing you may have good days and bad days. And not to beat yourself up over that which you have little or no control over.

Honestly i can't do that. It feels like I'd be not trying by doing that.