Is he an aspie?

[tree]

@shanishani7

I was not making a joke.

If you are adamant about seeking replies from only neurotypical people,
then edit your tags at the top of the thread.

This area>

 

[Isadoorian]

As I'm sure you've already heard, we can't tell you. He'd have to go see a Medical Professional that specializes in Autism to get an Official Diagnosis, or he can do Online Tests like the ones found on the following site: Aspie Tests (Note: Online Tests are absolutely no substitute for a Diagnosis from a Medical professional)

 

[H-Kath]

LOL.. because I think AS and NT people are from two different world..

No, you want to blame a neurotype rather than accept that you made a poor choice in your partner. You sound like you have a mental health issue of your own and would benefit from counseling.

 

[Stardust Parade]

We're not mental health professionals, we're people on an online forum.
How on earth are we supposed to know?

 

[paloftoon]

Well the OP is asking cause she wants opinions.
Based on what you said, I would guess he is on the spectrum.
He has dependent parents that care about his well-being.
I can understand the pre-nuptial, but you don't have to be okay with it either.
You could consider asking for the pre-nuptial to have it so that you're paying for half of the home yourself too/instead.
Because of his lack of independence and behavior, it seems he was so used to such routines and filled up with paranoia. Too much. He isn't his own person enough and you aren't a person who is compatible with his setup.

Money is usually a factor. I can understand why people think it's good and not a good idea to have a pre-nuptial. Life is not easy.

 

[Monachopia]

What I take away from this discussion is that literature out there is still painting an extremely bad picture of people on the spectrum.

The point is you met a jerk. Yes, there are autistic jerks, but not all autistic people are like this. It's down to personality, not autism. I'm sorry you may have met a bad example - but, we can't diagnose him for you. From description alone it is difficult to say definitively.

I'm sorry he treated you awfully and didn't seem to listen to your needs. His family seems to have spoilt him and made him self-centred and entitled. I'm very sorry you were hurt, but please, don't take it against all people who are on the spectrum. We're all just people at the end of the day and we often struggle to talk the way NTs expect us to, but we do know when we fail. We get hurt and confused all the time.

Also the descriptors on autism traits out there may be incomplete or outdated. Opinions keep changing all the time and what you have read may not be the reality of what ASD really is.

 

[tree]

Is it normal to marry someone you've only known a few months that's a student in your culture?

In the first post, OP stated "I had known him for a few years..."

 

[H-Kath]

In the first post, OP stated "I had known him for a few years..."

Oh, weird misread that.

 

[shanishani7]

Well the OP is asking cause she wants opinions.
Based on what you said, I would guess he is on the spectrum.
He has dependent parents that care about his well-being.
I can understand the pre-nuptial, but you don't have to be okay with it either.
You could consider asking for the pre-nuptial to have it so that you're paying for half of the home yourself too/instead.
Because of his lack of independence and behavior, it seems he was so used to such routines and filled up with paranoia. Too much. He isn't his own person enough and you aren't a person who is compatible with his setup.

Money is usually a factor. I can understand why people think it's good and not a good idea to have a pre-nuptial. Life is not easy.

Thanks for the reply.
He really has no idea or comments of his own, he depends on his parents a lot. He couldn't make decision on many things and will ask his parents for opinions first. I think he is not normal on that for his age.

I'm not sure if it's one of traits for asperger spectrum.

 

[Kari_Cookie]

I’m NT. I have no conclusion, or advise, but some questions:
Would the diagnose affect your decision?
Would you accept the way he treated you if you know he’s Aspie?
Wish you all the best.

 

[Isadoorian]

He couldn't make decision on many things and will ask his parents for opinions first

There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking people whom one's close to and know are good confidants for opinions about something before doing it first, important decisions especially.

It's most definitely not a trait of Autism. If you believe these are traits of Autism, I vote you do your research because you seem to be randomly assuming things.

 

[paloftoon]

Thanks for the reply.
He really has no idea or comments of his own, he depends on his parents a lot. He couldn't make decision on many things and will ask his parents for opinions first. I think he is not normal on that for his age.

I'm not sure if it's one of traits for asperger spectrum.

There are a lot of families who have this type of dynamic where children to do not make their own decisions for many things. There are all kinds of reasons for this- being overprotected, lack of knowledge of either parents' or child's part, culture, personalities. Usually, all of these play a role at the same time to some degree. Is this a dynamic you would be willing to deal with with someone else? I think it is possible for people in this dynamic to deal with it well, but it is also possible it holds them back from considering you as a person because you are a person. It is possible to be okay with a pre-nuptial and for things to work out as they are, or possibly some kind of setup where your partner is paying his/her share until both of you have equally contributed to the home.

Even I, myself, are in this dynamic to some degree. It's been a hard balance with the rest of life. Mostly balancing emotional for me.

 

[Tom]

Supreme Aspie - 'The subject is unhappy and wishes to speak to an NT.'
Aspie No.1 - 'There are none your Aspieness, the last one got a better job offer'.
Supreme Aspie - 'Then put on your mask and pretend to be NT!'
Aspie No.2 - 'Wait! I just remembered... Mysterio the All Seeing is still around here somewhere.'
Supreme Aspie - 'Excellent! Get him at once!'

So... how can I help you...

Price Schedule

Yes - 1 dozen donuts
No - 1 dozen donuts
Maybe - 1/2 dozen donuts

 

[shanishani7]

There are a lot of families who have this type of dynamic where children to do not make their own decisions for many things. There are all kinds of reasons for this- being overprotected, lack of knowledge of either parents' or child's part, culture, personalities. Usually, all of these play a role at the same time to some degree. Is this a dynamic you would be willing to deal with with someone else? I think it is possible for people in this dynamic to deal with it well, but it is also possible it holds them back from considering you as a person because you are a person. It is possible to be okay with a pre-nuptial and for things to work out as they are, or possibly some kind of setup where your partner is paying his/her share until both of you have equally contributed to the home.

Even I, myself, are in this dynamic to some degree. It's been a hard balance with the rest of life. Mostly balancing emotional for me.

The problem is my bf keeps on insisting that my intention for marriage is to get his assets, which shows his inability to understand my thoughts and desires. And his abuses shows the trait of the inability to acknowledge my feelings, the way he talks like treating me as an object instead of a person.
I remember he had once mentioned it is hard for him to know what others think.

 

[Pinkie B]

First, I wanna say that the people on this forum are the most patient and nicest Interpeople (People from the Interwebs) I've ever met! You really want to help when others would just start abusing... makes me feel like maybe I could relax here a bit?

Second, to the OP, you're reeling from a relationship that just fell apart. Everybody hurts when this happens, even those of us who know we are better off because of it. It's natural to look for explanations or "solutions" but unfortunately though our minds crave them, sometimes the only explanation is that you were not compatible with each other.

I think instead of looking for an excuse for your ex boyfriend's behavior you should focus on your own feelings. He treated your poorly and like you had less of a right to exist and be happy than he did. That's insulting and painful and no one should be subjected to that kind of behavior. It's not comfortable to feel these feelings, but if you give yourself space to feel them then I expect your mind will stop craving the explanations and excuses for him that you seem to be searching for on this forum.

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

The problem is my bf keeps on insisting that my intention for marriage is to get his assets, which shows his inability to understand my thoughts and desires. And his abuses shows the trait of the inability to acknowledge my feelings, the way he talks like treating me as an object instead of a person.
I remember he had once mentioned it is hard for him to know what others think.

Or he's paranoid and narcissistic. Or he's only seen examples of really bad relationships and has been raised in an environment that discourages men from acknowledging or considering feelings. Or we're only hearing about this relationship filtered through the lens of someone who has just come out of a bad break up. Or he hasn't matured enough yet to disagree with his parents' opinions or take responsibility for his relationships. Or he's just a jerk. (There's some considering multiple perspectives for you, coming directly from an Aspie.) There's a reason that only a qualified professional, or preferably a team of qualified professionals, can officially diagnose someone, and why no one can be diagnosed based on someone else's description of their behavior. Every behavior has a million possible explanations. Even professionals have a hard time diagnosing adults, and again, NO ONE can be diagnosed based on someone else's account of their behavior.

Some of the behaviors you describe do sound like they might be related to Aspergers, but we have no way of getting enough information to even informally diagnose him without meeting him and learning about his developmental history and behavior across multiple contexts. Understand that no one here is defending how he behaved towards you, especially that creepy stuff about pregnancy. He also may very well be on the spectrum. The problem is that you seem to have conflated all of his negative traits with Aspergers based on the most negative stereotypes that exist about Aspies. There are NTs in the world who would tell you that he's definitely an Aspie based on that information, but not ones who actually know anything about it.

The fact that you don't want Aspies replying to your posts about whether your ex is an Aspie suggests limitations in your own perspective-taking skills. NTs can be bad at seeing other perspectives too, and people with every neurology are fully capable of being jerks. He definitely sounds like a jerk, whatever else is going on. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, and I hope you find a better one.

 

[Fino]

Why would he marry you at all, prenup or not, if he thought you were marrying him just for his stuff?

And why do you want to marry him? It doesn't seem like you like him very much. You've said many times now that he has an "inability to understand your feelings" or "know what you're thinking" or "know your intent," but it seems like you haven't gone through a whole lot to understand all of that on his side.

Is he a bad person? An intentionally abusive person?

Because that's what it seems like you describe him to be.

If so, why waste time even talking about him? Find someone who isn't awful.

 

[Fino]

And if you want NT perspectives, why not ask any of the people around you, in your life? Aren't almost all of them NT? You could probably shout right now, as you're reading this, and at least one NT will hear you.

 

[shanishani7]

First, I wanna say that the people on this forum are the most patient and nicest Interpeople (People from the Interwebs) I've ever met! You really want to help when others would just start abusing... makes me feel like maybe I could relax here a bit?

Second, to the OP, you're reeling from a relationship that just fell apart. Everybody hurts when this happens, even those of us who know we are better off because of it. It's natural to look for explanations or "solutions" but unfortunately though our minds crave them, sometimes the only explanation is that you were not compatible with each other.

I think instead of looking for an excuse for your ex boyfriend's behavior you should focus on your own feelings. He treated your poorly and like you had less of a right to exist and be happy than he did. That's insulting and painful and no one should be subjected to that kind of behavior. It's not comfortable to feel these feelings, but if you give yourself space to feel them then I expect your mind will stop craving the explanations and excuses for him that you seem to be searching for on this forum.

Yes you are right.
Since I totally don't understand his behaviours and the way he treated me, I'd rather think he has some kind of disorder.

 

[shanishani7]

Why would he marry you at all, prenup or not, if he thought you were marrying him just for his stuff?

And why do you want to marry him? It doesn't seem like you like him very much. You've said many times now that he has an "inability to understand your feelings" or "know what you're thinking" or "know your intent," but it seems like you haven't gone through a whole lot to understand all of that on his side.

Is he a bad person? An intentionally abusive person?

Because that's what it seems like you describe him to be.

If so, why waste time even talking about him? Find someone who isn't awful.

I'm not sure if he is bad or not. My mother told me many times he is emotionally abusing me, I still didn't realize much. Its until after broken and gradually could see it but I still don't totally understand why he did it.