Inappropriate Aspie statements vs Plain old Rude

[BraidedPony]

I am beginning to think that there is a difference, an important difference between an Aspie asking an awkward question or making a comment that he or she alone thinks is funny, and someone saying something rude which is hurtful. A rude comment isn't about curiosity, it is about putting someone else down so they can feel superior or because they are annoyed.
I may be wrong. I’ve only known about my Aspieness for about two months and I know when I’m being rude, and sometimes I get angry and I don’t care. But it isn’t because I'm an Aspie, it’s because I lose my temper, and act like a jerk.
When I’ve said something inappropriate, I don't know it unless someone tells me, or someone walks off in a snit. Usually it involves asking a question that is too personal or taboo or tried to make a joke that wasn’t funny and I feel terrible that I made someone uncomfortable.
The reason I’m thinking about this subject is because on this forum sometimes, well often, a post is rude, in my opinion. When I read a rude comment I’m confused as what to do. I want to support the person who was given the comment, yet if it is an Aspie thing, then I should let it go. I’ll probably let it go anyway in order to avoid conflict at any cost! But I’m left confused and conflicted. Is being rude an Aspie thing?

 

[Gritches]

When I say offensive things (and am made aware of it, because obviously I wouldn't just blatantly say offensive things), it's usually because there's some background information that makes the whole thing make sense in my mind, but it's background info my audience lacks and thus they'll only get the statement at face value without understanding fully what I mean.

It's like I assume they know all the things I know already. And part of my attempts to be an effective communicator are focused on correctly gauging what my audience knows. Sometimes I don't do that well, especially if I get excited or start speaking off the cuff, and there we have: an offensive/rude statement.

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But what to do about it? My experiencing working (as in, laboring) with other Aspies is that you really need to let things roll off your back. I find that, in my case and in the case of others, rudeness is often a poor attempt at humor.

Just because talk is cheap, lemme give a fun anecdote: I was recently part of a crew of three Aspies I shanghai'd to help me get a large chair into an elevator, through the lobby of a bank, and into a trailer. Of course, having a bad back, I was just supervising. But I picked the two biggest guys I could find to help me move this thing. When all three of us (I'm kinda fat too) got onto the elevator with the chair, one asked "what's the weight limit on this thing?" It was a funny joke, in good joke form, but it insulted all three of us and could've easily been construed as incredibly rude. But that's where you recognize "he's Aspie, just trying to make a joke" and laugh instead of get offended.

 

[Nervous Rex]

About ten years ago, I noticed that a lot of my comments or questions elicited very defensive or angry responses. When I listened to myself speak, I realized my default monotone voice sounded angry. Now, I work hard to put a cheerful and friendly tone in my voice when I speak. I think it’s made a difference - at least the responses to my comments have gotten better.

 

[Thinx]

I know what you mean, I am not sure if it always helps to try to support someone if another comment seems rude. Also sometimes the OP seems rude, when someone has tried to respond. However my impression is this happens somewhat less here than on forums that are not Aspie, and usually may be that the person is anxious or quite literal.

 

[Major Tom]

I usually stay out of the situation if I feel someone is being rude. It seems like trying to correct things just makes the situation worse, or I am just misinterpreting a question or a statement. So I just steer clear.

 

[DJones]

When I’ve said something inappropriate, I don't know it unless someone tells me, or someone walks off in a snit. Usually it involves asking a question that is too personal or taboo or tried to make a joke that wasn’t funny and I feel terrible that I made someone uncomfortable.

Its no different with 'NTs'. Its the same. I make a joke, say something uninhibitedly out of turn, fancying myself being bold or creative and then figure out later it warnt perceived that way at all. Another one bites the dust. It's the same process.

I feel terrible that I made someone uncomfortable.

You know, honestly, most people 'NT's regret making such gaffes not because they care about how the other person feels but, in actuality they fear unpopularity. The person we may have offended just might be plugged in and get together with someone else we may have inadvertently marginalized and our social status declines.

I'll tell you a dirty little secret about the 'NT' world - its all about survival and competition in the group hierarchical structure and its so deeply ingrained in the NT psyche that we aren't even aware of its presence. NT's make all of these 'rules-of-the-road' for ourselves to avoid being offensive not out of altruism but out of self-preservation. It's probably a left over vestige from man's primitive, hunter-gatherer origins.

I feel terrible that I made someone uncomfortable.

That's empathy. In its most pure form.

 

[Bella Pines]

I agree with you.

I've seen a lot of people using aspergers as an excuse to rude. I think there are 2 aspects to this.

1. Intent. I think if the intent is innocent but the offended party chooses to take offense out of thin air, then it's not the aspies fault. There are a lot of super sensitive NTs who go looking for upset and enjoy the drama. If the intent however is to belittle the other individual, or a direct comment on how they look etc, then that is plain wrong and anyone who is high functioning should know better.

2. Not making the effort. I hear "oh I have aspergers, I don't have empathy". No, but you do have EYES. I've said to my son many times "look at your brother". Come out of your world and look at him. And his little brother will be in a crumpled heap in floods of tears. He may not naturally have empathy, but I'm trying to teach him to use his eyes, see when he is upsetting people and act accordingly. When he sees his brother crying, he has to comfort him and assess how he got into the situation, and not do it again, any deviation from this results in a withdrawal of any and all technology. He's slowly getting it.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I often see some rather rude one-liners, or sarcastic/snarky comments, but I notice a pattern with them, they are made by mainly the same people so I'm inclined to think that this their personality at play and not their Asperger's. There is a fine line between bluntness and rudeness - if it is merely a person expressing a rather abrasive opinion, I might not consider it to be rude as the intention might not be to offend, but if it is snarky or sarcastic, then it's deliberate and yes, it's rude.

Personally I don't get involved. I see who is making these kinds of comment, and then avoid interaction with that person.

 

[OkRad]

I have not picked up on much rudeness here , but that is how I am in real life. I like when people are straight forward so I think I just interpret it as that. Someone would literally have to come up to me to my face and say I suck before I would pick up on nuances that I sucked!

I am sure people have a good laugh, but I don't have many enemies because I don't see it even I have some. Haha.

I truly have not picked up more than maybe a few posts here that seemed rude, but really the person was upset. If I have left rude posts, let me say I never intended to and it would be my being straight forward and not rudeness.

 

[Amanda241]

When I say offensive things (and am made aware of it, because obviously I wouldn't just blatantly say offensive things), it's usually because there's some background information that makes the whole thing make sense in my mind, but it's background info my audience lacks and thus they'll only get the statement at face value without understanding fully what I mean.

Me too. I remember telling my dentist once that I hated her rubber gloves in my mouth because they "smell and taste like condoms" I thought she would find it funny for some reason, but then I realised how incredibly crass I'd been and was very embarrassed and uncomfortable at the thought I'd embarrassed her...

 

[BraidedPony]

That is the kind of thing I would think is funny too, it IS funny, right? Sometimes I wonder if people think it is funny but just refuse to laugh because they are afraid it isn’t appropriate and they will get into trouble?
I don't know, the world is still a mystery.