I'm not officially diagnosed with an ASD but I have believed for several years that I'm on the spectrum. However I have been noticing that I don't exhibit many of the traits to the degree of many aspies I seem to read about here, and the few I know from social media and in person. This list is mainly things I relate to, but that I only see in limited quantities in myself.
• While I can be cold/logical, especially when I don't care, I'm often empathetic, to the point where my worries over the plight of others destroy my day. I am always careful about how my delivery will affect others, so I am not the brutally honest type, or the call it only as I see it type.
• I understand the intents of humor, sarcasm, metaphors etc. and use them constantly. However, I don't understand how some creative people go so far with them. I am much better at humor in speech than in writing.
• While I have obsessions or special interests, I learned from an early age that very few people share them with me and most others wouldn't be interested in hearing about them. I am, however, fascinated by savants in my areas of interest, and sometimes feel envious of them to some degree. While I am gifted in music, and less so mental math, I am by no means a genius. But many people seem to think I am.
• I can be amazingly extrovert if I have to be, thanks to some scripting and having some time and experience to acquaint with the atmosphere. Even if I'm thrown off the deep end, I'm able to improvise enough to get myself out, but it's really taxing on me.
• I do get meltdowns/shutdowns, but they are rarely the disfunctional kind I've heard come with an ASD. I don't become non verbal or regress in other ways when I'm in the middle of one. I just get really moody,, anxious and needlessly contemplative as my brain whirls with a thousand conflicting frustrating thoughts that I am unable to control.
In the end, I guess I can say I relate to a lot of ASD symptoms, but not enough to say that I feel like I should be labeled with Aspergers. There are times, however, when Aspergers really seems to fit the bill. But it's frustrating being caught in the middle, which is where I am much of the time. When I want to feel normal for lack of a better word, but I'm having an aspie moment, nobody understands. When I am around my aspie friends and I want to feel more normal, they don't always understand, though I think they do believe me.
It's worse when I talk to therapists or people who have supported me during my childhood, who still try to mentor me. Generally I don't mind this, but questioning whether I have an ASD or not in recent years has driven a wedge between me and them. None of them take me seriously when I try to broach the subject. They say something like "I've worked with autistics my entire career, and if you fit the bill, I would've noticed, or someone else would have and you would've been diagnosed. You, are certainly, not on the spectrum. Don't try to self-diagnose."
While their confidence is encouraging, it doesn't alleviate my conflicting emotions. Am I mostly neurotypical with a few ASD traits, or am I ASD, but good enough at acting neurotypical? I don't know which it is and, though it may seem silly to many people, it really makes me question who I am. When I'm alone, I don't care which it is; I just do my thing. But when I'm around other people, people who seem to know little about autism in general, or who don't seem sensitive to the issues it can bring, I get anxious, especially when they start to ask questions.
Maybe if it ever comes up in conversation again, I should say I'm neurodiverse. But imho that's just a fancy word for "a bit odd." And most people I know don't even believe I'm a bit odd, until some awkward moment happens, and the ease at which they brush it off always astounds me. Meh, I think I'm just safer letting it go, though it bugs me from time to time.