In-betweener aspies

[Loomis]

I think of myself as in the twilight zone between aspie and neurotypical. I was diagnosed on the spectrum by a highly qualified PhD psychologist at the autism society. Yet I can function pretty well in the world and few people would suspect I am on the spectrum. At the same time it is obvious to me that I have many autistic traits and behaviors that have caused varying amounts of stress in my life. Before I was diagnosed I was bewildered by many of my communication difficulties. I have low needs for social contact and usually watch vs. participate in social activities. I learned to look people in the eye because avoiding eye contact creates distrust in interactions with NTs. I taught myself to engage in small talk since it is part of socializing in the NT dominated world. I do not consider this to be "pretending to be NT" rather it is a necessary behavior to navigate society. There are experiences I want from people and I do not choose to be completely isolated and alone. The autism diagnosis I received was a great blessing giving me clearer insights into the behavioral issues which have vexed me and showing me what areas I needed to work on.

I have not posted or read much on the forum for a couple of months and during my time away I have had a tendency at times to forget I am on the spectrum. When I encountered social problems I did not always quickly recognize they were spectrum related though it should be obvious. So I need this website to maintain contact with kindred spirits and retain awareness of my aspie nature.

 

[Judge]

In my heart I sometimes ponder whether I'm caught in between.

But using my head I know this is not the case. I can mask my traits and behaviors, however I just cannot "live" them 24/7.

I am on the spectrum of autism.

 

[clg114]

I think of myself as in the twilight zone between aspie and neurotypical. I was diagnosed on the spectrum by a highly qualified PhD psychologist at the autism society. Yet I can function pretty well in the world and few people would suspect I am on the spectrum. At the same time it is obvious to me that I have many autistic traits and behaviors that have caused varying amounts of stress in my life. Before I was diagnosed I was bewildered by many of my communication difficulties. I have low needs for social contact and usually watch vs. participate in social activities. I learned to look people in the eye because avoiding eye contact creates distrust in interactions with NTs. I taught myself to engage in small talk since it is part of socializing in the NT dominated world. I do not consider this to be "pretending to be NT" rather it is a necessary behavior to navigate society. There are experiences I want from people and I do not choose to be completely isolated and alone. The autism diagnosis I received was a great blessing giving me clearer insights into the behavioral issues which have vexed me and showing me what areas I needed to work on.

I have not posted or read much on the forum for a couple of months and during my time away I have had a tendency at times to forget I am on the spectrum. When I encountered social problems I did not always quickly recognize they were spectrum related though it should be obvious. So I need this website to maintain contact with kindred spirits and retain awareness of my aspie nature.

All of that sounds just like me except forgetting that your on the spectrum. I am reminded every day by everyone around me, just by how different they are from me. I doubt that anybody realizes that I am on the spectrum. I am very NT like because I grew up in a NT world.

 

[Toni]

Autism/Asperger is new think to me. I never even thought about it before, but now that i have done research on it and watched lot of people that are on the spectrum on youtube and read these forums i can relate to them very well. I always just though i´m just kinda weird and cant connect to people very well but now i know i have certain issues from the spectrum that causes this. I´m in need for a professional evaluation to this because i keep questioning myself and i want to know for sure if i have this even thought i´m quite certain now of it. I dont have as severe problems as some people have , but enough that it complicates my life a little bit. I have also suffered from depression a long time, so that i no longer remember what it is to be with a healthy non depressed mind which someway makes it hard for me to see the real me.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

I think of myself as in the twilight zone between aspie and neurotypical. I was diagnosed on the spectrum by a highly qualified PhD psychologist at the autism society. Yet I can function pretty well in the world and few people would suspect I am on the spectrum. At the same time it is obvious to me that I have many autistic traits and behaviors that have caused varying amounts of stress in my life. Before I was diagnosed I was bewildered by many of my communication difficulties. I have low needs for social contact and usually watch vs. participate in social activities. I learned to look people in the eye because avoiding eye contact creates distrust in interactions with NTs. I taught myself to engage in small talk since it is part of socializing in the NT dominated world. I do not consider this to be "pretending to be NT" rather it is a necessary behavior to navigate society.

Yes I totally agree with you and can relate on most (though not al- such as eye contact mostly not/never being an issuel) of what you've said. What do you consider small talk though? Sometimes small talk is of more relevance than you think and this begs the qwuestion of whether it's small talk?

But using my head I know this is not the case. I can mask my traits and behaviors, however I just cannot "live" them 24/7.

A very good way of putting what I can totally ascribe to myself. I must remember this one at it is a perfect description.

I always just though i´m just kinda weird and cant connect to people very well but now i know i have certain issues from the spectrum that causes this. I´m in need for a professional evaluation to this because i keep questioning myself and i want to know for sure if i have this even thought i´m quite certain now of it. I dont have as severe problems as some people have , but enough that it complicates my life a little bit. I have also suffered from depression a long time, so that i no longer remember what it is to be with a healthy non depressed mind which someway makes it hard for me to see the real me.

I agree with all of this and if like me your depression is chronic, then yes I too yearn for the times I can be reminded of what life was like before depression and vulnerability (fortunately it's easy for me to do so, albeit heartbreaking).

 

[Adora]

I didn't find out I'm on the spectrum until I was 31 and before then I thought I was just an introvert who also had some agoraphobia aswell,I do struggle with eye contact and I find it hard to look people straight in their eyes,I can socialise to a degree but it drains me and I can feel tired afterwards,I also have a older brother who is on the spectrum aswell but he cannot live independently so I am his carer but I also deal with C-PTSD and a anxiety disorder on top of being on the spectrum so I have to deal with triggers,nightmares and the hypervigilance that won't let me feel safe even though there is nothing to be worried about.

 

[WereBear]

I have just gotten an official Level 1 diagnosis, in part because very few who know me believe it at first. I have never perceived a social problem; I speak in public, deal with constant strangers, and have long term close relationships. I am considered charming and intuitive.

But the process of the diagnosis, (which I was driven to with midlife issues of incredible fatigue, stress, sleep and digestive problems,) now suggest that all of this was taking a toll; that I was not doing it the way NT's do, but was overclocking my processor in order to appear so.

The diagnosis process confirmed that I have the sensory issues and until high school, the social issues, but somehow in high school I managed to figure out how to fake it.

But now I have no idea what I'm going to do. My job is overwhelming, and I am constantly still tired, waking up in the middle of the night and often having trouble getting back to sleep, difficult to go on the social events with friends I used to enjoy, difficult even to know what to do except hole up in our quiet apartment and read.

I have drained my main tank, my reserves, and I'm burning out my bearings at this point. I no longer know what is really me. The more I explore this, the more confused I become.

 

[wight]

I no longer know what is really me. The more I explore this, the more confused I become.

Right there with you. I'm the same person I have always been, yet this new information is casting everything I thought I knew in a new light. It's overwhelming at times.

 

[Ronin82]

I so understand this...my therapist STILL maintains that he can't "see" my Aspieness...I remind him that He doesn't see me more than an hour a couple times a week, I'm REALLY good at faking it for that amount of time, and most of the time I push through my own insecurities and issues because I know nothing will change if I don't try to practice, but the effort is exhausting (and that's the part he doesn't see). Yes, I can pass really well when the situation calls for it, but I'm a mess on the inside, over-analyzing every interaction, having to make so many calculated body movements and facial gestures and carefully monitoring my conversation for appropriateness and timing.....no wonder I like my alone time, or being with people who don't require this level of constant vigilance.

 

[Loomis]

Yes I totally agree with you and can relate on most (though not al- such as eye contact mostly not/never being an issuel) of what you've said. What do you consider small talk though? Sometimes small talk is of more relevance than you think and this begs the qwuestion of whether it's small talk?

Small talk is conversation about stuff that has little or no investment of personal feelings. Like: it is a nice day today, not as hot as yesterday. Its purpose is to start a conversation that could lead to something more relevant and personal. It is a way of acknowledging someone's existence instead of just staring forward and pretending the person is not there. If you buy gas and give money to the attendant you might say something like this is a nice station it is clean and I like to come here. All of this is just introductory chatter that may or may not go further. It could also be a form of politeness. We aspies tend to avoid unnecessary words and communication but I have found practicing small talk helps me to connect a little better to people and makes me less anxious the more I do it. It has little cost and I see it as harmless. NTs do it all the time. I see it as helpful in navigating the NT world.

 

[Loomis]

Autism/Asperger is new think to me. I never even thought about it before, but now that i have done research on it and watched lot of people that are on the spectrum on youtube and read these forums i can relate to them very well. I always just though i´m just kinda weird and cant connect to people very well but now i know i have certain issues from the spectrum that causes this. I´m in need for a professional evaluation to this because i keep questioning myself and i want to know for sure if i have this even thought i´m quite certain now of it. I dont have as severe problems as some people have , but enough that it complicates my life a little bit. I have also suffered from depression a long time, so that i no longer remember what it is to be with a healthy non depressed mind which someway makes it hard for me to see the real me.

I have found that having been diagnosed, at age 62, it helped me understand my life and the autism related difficulties I have had. It put things into perspective and allowed me to understand things which used to baffle me. Moreover it led me to change some things that make interactions with people easier and I now more readily accept my limitations.

 

[Loomis]

I have just gotten an official Level 1 diagnosis, in part because very few who know me believe it at first. I have never perceived a social problem; I speak in public, deal with constant strangers, and have long term close relationships. I am considered charming and intuitive.

But the process of the diagnosis, (which I was driven to with midlife issues of incredible fatigue, stress, sleep and digestive problems,) now suggest that all of this was taking a toll; that I was not doing it the way NT's do, but was overclocking my processor in order to appear so.

The diagnosis process confirmed that I have the sensory issues and until high school, the social issues, but somehow in high school I managed to figure out how to fake it.

But now I have no idea what I'm going to do. My job is overwhelming, and I am constantly still tired, waking up in the middle of the night and often having trouble getting back to sleep, difficult to go on the social events with friends I used to enjoy, difficult even to know what to do except hole up in our quiet apartment and read.

I have drained my main tank, my reserves, and I'm burning out my bearings at this point. I no longer know what is really me. The more I explore this, the more confused I become.

I have found meditating to be immensely helpful. I meditate about two hours per day; it has an incredible calming effect. I also see a psychiatrist and take an Alzheimer medication called Namenda which prevents excess glutamate, the primary excitatory brain neurotransmitter, from binding to the NMDA receptor. (I do not have Alzheimer this is an off-label use of Namenda.) Namenda is not mood-altering and does not get me high. It just makes me more calm and eliminates brain chatter.

 

[WereBear]

I do meditate: I probably need to do it more. I also have a Brainwave App in my iPad mini which I will use in conjunction with my weighted blanket, due TODAY. I have high hopes for the combination!