In a very difficult, romantic situation.

[ProfessorOptics]

I can't believe that being a cuck is actually a thing now.

wow..

I have no idea what that means...

 

[tree]

I have no idea what that means...

It's a rude word.
Urban Dictionary: cuck

 

[ProfessorOptics]

well... thanks for calling me out on something i'm already well aware of. It's not entirely accurate, as i do not seek validation from any woman, and I definitely do not allow myself to become her "toy boy"

 

[tree]

well... thanks for calling me out on something i'm already well aware of. It's not entirely accurate, as i do not seek validation from any woman, and I definitely do not allow myself to become her "toy boy"

I don't know what the other member had in mind.
I responded with a definition because it appeared you
weren't familiar with the word.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

I don't know what the other member had in mind.
I responded with a definition because it appeared you
weren't familiar with the word.

oh yea, my last response wasn't aimed at you

but yes, i was not familiar with the word. Not very nice, tbh, to be pointed out as such in such a manner.

 

[tree]

oh yea, my last response wasn't aimed at you

but yes, i was not familiar with the word. Not very nice, tbh, to be pointed out as such in such a manner.

I agree.

I don't know what he had in mind.
I didn't know who he was talking about....

 

[ProfessorOptics]

I agree.

I don't know what he had in mind.
I didn't know who he was talking about....

well let's hope he pitches in to clear things up.

 

[Bella Pines]

So for now, I'll try and just be friends with her...
Only thing that worries me is holding back my emotions.

Yes that's more like it. By pace yourself, I mean a calm and measured reaction. No extremes. Less intense.

We're black and white and goal oriented. However, everyone else works with grey and doesn't always have purpose. So instead of "not talking to her" vs "marrying her", try something inbetween like friendship. And even then, you're still oscillating. She doesn't have to find you a partner or translate NT females for you. Let her just exist in your space without a role or a job. Let the dust settle, see how the situation plays out.

On the holding back, we tend to want to know everything about a person from day 1. Who they are, what they do, what they like, why. But again with pace, it's not a sprint. A little of you goes a long way, so don't see it as holding back, see it as being yourself SLOWLY, revealing yourself over time to let the people around you adjust. Calm, balance. And take up yoga.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

Yes that's more like it. By pace yourself, I mean a calm and measured reaction. No extremes. Less intense.

I try hard to remain calm. I just come across the grey areas, that will often turn me upside down. That's what happened with this girl. And i cannot tolerate grey areas, they mess me up emotionally and the resulting anxiety usually leads me to some extreme or another. Either i become nasty (usually closer to meltdown point), ghost, or over pursue, because i just want the anxiety to go away.

We're black and white and goal oriented. However, everyone else works with grey and doesn't always have purpose. So instead of "not talking to her" vs "marrying her", try something inbetween like friendship. And even then, you're still oscillating. She doesn't have to find you a partner or translate NT females for you. Let her just exist in your space without a role or a job. Let the dust settle, see how the situation plays out.

she doesn't have to, though she clearly stated that she'd love to help... i guess i should warn her that i tend to ask a lot of questions. being a virgin and all that, plus a curious mind, there is a lot of stuff i want to know.

On the holding back, we tend to want to know everything about a person from day 1. Who they are, what they do, what they like, why. But again with pace, it's not a sprint. A little of you goes a long way, so don't see it as holding back, see it as being yourself SLOWLY, revealing yourself over time to let the people around you adjust. Calm, balance. And take up yoga.

I struggle with the pacing on this. One girl i did date a few years ago, the first night we started to talk on facebook messenger, we spent the whole night chatting, telling her all about me, etc. Obviously, it didn't work out. but yea, that is something i'll need to learn how to do. perhaps some direct instructions would help? or rules for interraction outside a dating environment?

 

[Bella Pines]

Obviously, it didn't work out. but yea, that is something i'll need to learn how to do. perhaps some direct instructions would help? or rules for interraction outside a dating environment?

Yes, we call then scripts. First thing to realise is that it's not you, it's everyone else. There's nothing wrong with being intense, being able to hyperfocus and not talking in riddles. The problem is that we are in the minority. So somewhere down the line, saying the complete opposite to what you mean became defined as "normal".

So in order to function in normal we simply learn scripts and rules and apply them in the right situation, regardless of how nonsensical they are. There will hopefully be a few people around who can genuinely accept us for who we really are, but that's not common and if we scare people off from the outset, they never get the chance to get to know us.

So some level 1 rules for pace, would be

• Share 20% of what goes through your head.
• Ask 20% of the questions that you want to ask.
• In the 80% gaps, let them talk and try not to look bored.
• Work out their favourite filler topic (like the weather or kardashians) and comment on it. The same $comment can be reused multiple times providing there is a space >1 day.

This puts neurotypicals at ease and stops then running for the hills.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

well... thanks for calling me out on something i'm already well aware of. It's not entirely accurate, as i do not seek validation from any woman, and I definitely do not allow myself to become her "toy boy"

you're not the cuck, the guy who was totally okay with you coming up to him telling him that you liked his girl and she was into you...he's the cuck.

this type of stuff is really going on...incredible.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

Yes, we call then scripts. First thing to realise is that it's not you, it's everyone else. There's nothing wrong with being intense, being able to hyperfocus and not talking in riddles. The problem is that we are in the minority. So somewhere down the line, saying the complete opposite to what you mean became defined as "normal".

So in order to function in normal we simply learn scripts and rules and apply them in the right situation, regardless of how nonsensical they are. There will hopefully be a few people around who can genuinely accept us for who we really are, but that's not common and if we scare people off from the outset, they never get the chance to get to know us.

Scripts would be lovely. Short, sweet, straight to the point scripts that even a baby could understand lol okay maybe not quite a baby, but you get what i mean... i hope.

So some level 1 rules for pace, would be

• Share 20% of what goes through your head.
• Ask 20% of the questions that you want to ask.
• In the 80% gaps, let them talk and try not to look bored.
• Work out their favourite filler topic (like the weather or kardashians) and comment on it. The same $comment can be reused multiple times providing there is a space >1 day.

I may need to have this broken down a little more... Call me a simpleton, but I feel like I'm missing something and i don't know what.

It's also you're funny you say that... One dating coach i follow, almost religiously, is a guy who talks about letting the other person (his book's aimed at guys who don't get it naturally, so by other person he refers to the feminine individual) do 70%-80% of the calling, texting and pursuing, as well as the talking. And you get them to do most of the talking by asking them questions... as far as i can see... I'm still in the process of reading his book for the 8 time, so the message is yet to be made clear.

Problem is, when i ask questions, it feels as though I doing an interview...

This puts neurotypicals at ease and stops then running for the hills.

Yea this seems to be a common occurrence for me, despite what i read, study, observe and try... lol

you're not the cuck, the guy who was totally okay with you coming up to him telling him that you liked his girl and she was into you...he's the cuck.

this type of stuff is really going on...incredible.

He's actually a sweetheart, and he's been part of mine and my bro's social circle. I told him, because I always believe honesty is always the best policy, no matter how brutal. And maybe somewhere I wanted him to punch me... or have some kind of bad reaction. But it didn't. he merely said: "Don't worry about it bro, I know what it's like, i've been there. Don't stress, i've been there.." and so on.

Now it just eats me up because I wonder what are the chances of finding someone i can connect with on the same level as her. I mean, i don't even know where or how to start...

 

[Bronzelincolns]

He's actually a sweetheart

i'm sure he is..

if all parties are ok with what's going on, however, do your thing, but this is without a doubt cuckoldry.

 

[Shiznown]

i'm sure he is..

if all parties are ok with what's going on, however, do your thing, but this is without a doubt cuckoldry.

Yeah, pretty much. OP, at some point you and this girl are going to have sex. It's pretty much inevitable at this point, especially if you want her to be your wingman. That means you'll be spending a lot of time with her. Hell, if you and your friend were bisexual, it would solve all your problems. Sadly, the world doesn't work that way.

 

[Bella Pines]

Problem is, when i ask questions, it feels as though I doing an interview...

That's because you are still in your own head. Your conversation is directed and has purpose, you are extracting information to form a picture of the individual you are conversing with. This is also apparent by how you talk about women, how they treat you, what they say to you. You need to use the gaps to get inside their heads, see the world from their point of view. For example, say you meet someone new and they have netflix, a good conversation would go;

You: so do you have netflix?
them: yep
you: [you WANT to ask, what are you top 3 shows, what genre do you watch and why?] seen anything good lately?
them: breaking bad was quite cool
you: [you WANT to comment that everyone watches it and it's actually quite miserable and very mainstream and that there are much more interesting shows] yeah that was great, who's your favourite character?
them: [they say something random and meaningless]
you: I totally understand, you know I really like this character... [find some similar character, look for common ground].

So you see, most exchanges are empty, meaningless and designed to give them the impression that you have something in common. It's like encouraging a puppy to come out of a hole. You'll mostly be bored and not get to know anything of any use, but it will put them at ease. NTs heads are mostly empty and they rarely question life and genuinely enjoy following social convention. However, they have complex and peculiar emotions, so their unpredictability saves them from being terminally boring. Do this for a few weeks then you can start slipping in the real questions and study them as normal.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

I see... I struggle most with that. I've always been told, when in doubt, ask questions. But they do feel robotic, and scripted. I've stepped back though... but something now is bothering me...

Past couple of days, she's been calling me. We would chat, and randomly out of the blue she would call me, just to "chat". I go to her for advice with other girls i'm trying to date, but she changes topic, or outright ignores the question. When she does reply, it goes something like this: "Then go for it, i guess." In a voice note, and her tone is off, more than normal. I don't know why.

She called me yesterday, and asked me if i would do something with her. She wants to get more of a regular routine going, and wants me to do it with her. Going to bed early, waking up early, and so forth. She even checks in that I'm keeping up my end of the plan.
I've also had plans to move to England next year, since before we met. She told me she's been talking with her godmother in the UK and wants to go over there and work. She then proceeded to ask if she could come with me, so she isn't alone there.
This morning, she didn't keep her end of the plan, which she suggested. I called her out on it, and told her it annoyed me. She explained the situation, and told me that the fact I got annoyed with her when it wasn't in her control why she missed the plan, that it upset her. She even got really annoyed in one of her voice notes, stating very clearly that it wasn't because she didn't want to talk to me. Like her voice was stern, and unaffectionate. Then her voice went back to a soft, affectionate tone when she said she was upset by the fact i was annoyed with her.

I've always seen any emotional response as a good sign, good or bad. Because, if there weren't, it means to me that they've grown indifferent and have stopped caring. She's not indifferent, at least not yet. But a part of me feels that i may be losing a friend, or something may be upsetting her. If it's the latter, i don't know why. Wish I did, would make things easier.

 

[ksheehan88]

I see... I struggle most with that. I've always been told, when in doubt, ask questions. But they do feel robotic, and scripted. I've stepped back though... but something now is bothering me...

Past couple of days, she's been calling me. We would chat, and randomly out of the blue she would call me, just to "chat". I go to her for advice with other girls i'm trying to date, but she changes topic, or outright ignores the question. When she does reply, it goes something like this: "Then go for it, i guess." In a voice note, and her tone is off, more than normal. I don't know why.

She called me yesterday, and asked me if i would do something with her. She wants to get more of a regular routine going, and wants me to do it with her. Going to bed early, waking up early, and so forth. She even checks in that I'm keeping up my end of the plan.
I've also had plans to move to England next year, since before we met. She told me she's been talking with her godmother in the UK and wants to go over there and work. She then proceeded to ask if she could come with me, so she isn't alone there.
This morning, she didn't keep her end of the plan, which she suggested. I called her out on it, and told her it annoyed me. She explained the situation, and told me that the fact I got annoyed with her when it wasn't in her control why she missed the plan, that it upset her. She even got really annoyed in one of her voice notes, stating very clearly that it wasn't because she didn't want to talk to me. Like her voice was stern, and unaffectionate. Then her voice went back to a soft, affectionate tone when she said she was upset by the fact i was annoyed with her.

I've always seen any emotional response as a good sign, good or bad. Because, if there weren't, it means to me that they've grown indifferent and have stopped caring. She's not indifferent, at least not yet. But a part of me feels that i may be losing a friend, or something may be upsetting her. If it's the latter, i don't know why. Wish I did, would make things easier.

Distance yourself. She doesn't want to answer your questions and help you find another woman because SHE wants you. Trust me, this will not end well. Cut contact and focus on your friend. These friendships never stay friendships.

 

[ksheehan88]

The more I think about it, the more i dislike this girl. She's controlling and manipulating you because she knows she can. Steer well clear.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

If anyone is manipulating anybody, it's probably myself. I'm the one keeping her on a string.

She isn't the type to manipulate, and if I suspected she was, even a little bit, I wouldn't be sticking around. thing about learning about PDA, is you grow more and more aware of how and why you manipulate others. You learn it first within yourself, and that leads to picking it up in others.

 

[ksheehan88]

If anyone is manipulating anybody, it's probably myself. I'm the one keeping her on a string.

She isn't the type to manipulate, and if I suspected she was, even a little bit, I wouldn't be sticking around. thing about learning about PDA, is you grow more and more aware of how and why you manipulate others. You learn it first within yourself, and that leads to picking it up in others.

In that case, it stands you have to cut contact and cut that crap out.