In a very difficult, romantic situation.

[ProfessorOptics]

Okay, so in my intro I gave a brief outline of what's happening with me right now...

So a week ago, I met my friends gf of 3 weeks. Right from the start, i've been able to communicate with her, and she just... gets me. She understands my challenges, and tries her best to help. She's even taken it upon herself to make sure I get sleep, and stuff, because my sleeping patterns are all over the place. Always have been, and probably always will. Routines don't work for me...

Soon as I realized I was attracted to this girl, I approached my friend and told him. I then told her, and she said she felt the same, but she wants to try things out and see where things lead with my friend. My friend even gave me his blessing that should nothing work out between them, that I can go for it. But right now, I want to give them a chance.

I've tried distancing myself... she doesn't want that, at all. Though she accepts it as being necessary for my sake. She cried when I told her I have to go and leave her alone, telling me she doesn't want me gone. Even my friend told me she loves me and it breaks her heart not having me in her life. I hate that. I hate that I developed a romantic attraction towards her, and I hate that I'm "that guy". I hate that I'm causing so much trouble, and causing pain for her, and him. I honestly don't know what to do in this situation...

"the hard choice is often the right choice" but both choices are equally hard...

I keep getting told to leave her be, distance myself and just "vanish". But I don't want that. At all. So I ended up asking her to be my wingwoman. Then at least, if i can't be with her, she may be able to help me find someone who connects with me the way she did.

Also i should note, though i don't know if i'm just projecting my hopes, but she's not happy with him, and he's not treating her as he should. Yet she's loyal. Perhaps blindly so. She says she's fine, yet I can see it clearer than I see myself. My gut tells me she's not happy. And I can't help feel that my friend is taking her for a ride, leading her on because he doesn't have anyone else. She says she's fine, yet constantly comes to me, telling me things like: he's talking to his ex, he's bragging to his friends that they slept together and all that. Her words says she's fine, but her actions are telling me otherwise, and even if we're not meant to be... I can't help but hold a broken heart seeing her unhappy.

Anyway... I know this aint a dating forum, and i don't intend to make it as such. But nowhere else understands the challenges, and I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. As to what i want to do.

Sorry for the rant... or story...

 

[Bella Pines]

How long has this been going on? Did you say that you met her a week ago?

 

[ProfessorOptics]

How long has this been going on? Did you say that you met her a week ago?

yes, but we've been spending so much time together that it feels like we've known each other for several months. She's friends with my bro as well, so she is often at my house. I don't know how to explain it...

 

[Bella Pines]

As an outsider and an aspie, I would suggest a cold shower.

Among our superpowers are intensity, sorry telling, making up whole universes in our heads and hyperfocus.

There's a bunch of threads here along a similar vein and if you continue on this course you'll end up with a restraining order.

No NT will feel this intensity and if you think they do, you are projecting. Additionally, the intensity you feel is very "you" centric. How she treats you, how she looks after you. You didn't mention a single thing about the girl herself.

We're also very black and white. We're either into someone or won't talk to them.

So instead, you need to pace yourself. If she is the one for you, then wait it out. Can down, take a breath and become friends. Don't scare her off, just exist in the zombie state that NTs live in for a while. Do this for a month and then decide on your next move.

Does that make sense?

 

[ProfessorOptics]

As an outsider and an aspie, I would suggest a cold shower.

Among our superpowers are intensity, sorry telling, making up whole universes in our heads and hyperfocus.

There's a bunch of threads here along a similar vein and if you continue on this course you'll end up with a restraining order.

I've made my intentions clear from the start. And i'm not stalking her or anything, i don't even have her on social media. She's been through a very rough time, and all i want is for her to be happy... and well, me vanishing from her life, doesn't make her happy... her words, not mine.

No NT will feel this intensity and if you think they do, you are projecting. Additionally, the intensity you feel is very "you" centric. How she treats you, how she looks after you. You didn't mention a single thing about the girl herself.

She tells me all the time that she enjoys talking with me, without being prompted. She blushes whenever she is around me, responds to my touch, hell she even touches me a lot of the time. Even when she isn't around me, she blushes (i know because she tells me)... I even sung her a comic song to help cheer her up, and she told me "she loved my singing" and that it cheered her up a lot, just like that. I also gave her what advice I could give her to help things work between her and my friend. She's also well aware that i'm on the spectrum, and understands what it means. If she doesn't, she asks me. and if i don't understand her, i ask her. or do my best to explain something to her.

We're also very black and white. We're either into someone or won't talk to them.

Yes. Life is several shades of grey, where we see things black and white. The amounts of times i've ghosted or let someone down because they weren't want I imagined them to be... Once the image is set, there's no changing it for me... as hard as i might try.

So instead, you need to pace yourself. If she is the one for you, then wait it out. Can down, take a breath and become friends. Don't scare her off, just exist in the zombie state that NTs live in for a while. Do this for a month and then decide on your next move.

Pace myself how? I hardly initiate contact. well, she initiates contact with me more than i do with her. She's also constantly reminding me that she enjoys talking to me, and she loves my company. Even when I feel like dirt for eyeing my friend's girl. The reason she held back from contacting me initially, was to not cause trouble. And because i was very cold with her at some point... the message went something like "I really wish i hadn't developed these feelings". (my words to her)

Does that make sense?

you'll have to expand the quote... lol

My blue response, is part of why I'm finding this so difficult. If she would just tell me she isn't interested in me that way, it would be so much easier. But she won't, and says she is interested.

Man, i really wish i could upload my brain so you can get a first hand view on what i'm trying to explain, so you can see and explain to me what is actually going on. Or that i'm just being some creepy idiot. lol

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi Tony

I don't necessarily think you're being creepy, or an idiot, but I do think you are caught up in a very complicated emotional situation which would confuse the hell out of most NTs, let alone someone on the spectrum. Being so singular in our mindsets and prone to misunderstanding emotional and social cues compounds the situation.
I agree with pretty much everything @Bella Pines has said above. You will likely only achieve a good outcome by keeping your emotional distance until things change. OK - so she's part of your social circle, so physically avoiding her will not only be difficult, but could cause social waves that ripple out and do further damage, but you do have the choice to control your emotions and behaviour. It's bloody difficult for anyone to do, especially in a situation like you find yourself, but failure to do so might not only mean not getting the girl, it could harm your relationships with your friend and brother.
You don't have to be frosty with her, but just make it clear that you are respecting the boundaries expected in your position until it changes. Be platonic friends, don't be over affectionate beyond what is socially appropriate, and don't talk too much about your feelings towards her. If all you say above is true then she will get fed up of her current boyfriend and move on so you'll get your chance. Doing anything to hasten that or to force the issue could easily blow up in your face and leave you tremendously hurt and even bluer than you are now.
Nobody wants to see that happen

 

[Tom]

If you want to keep your friend, forget about his girlfriend. Messy situation in the making.

 

[Major Tom]

Yea, even though she seems nice, I wouldn't get in the middle of that. If anything wait and see how things pan out. But I'd probably run away if I were in the same situation.

 

[Liam_]

I personally think you're doing the best thing by distancing yourself from her because it shows your intentions are not to take her as your own from her friend, despite him offering. It can cause problems between your relationship between you and your friend, especially if you have a really good friendship to begin with. Although if she truly likes you more than your friend, it is likely their relationship will fall for their own reasons and not because of you. So it is better to distance yourself until the chance that they might break up.

Just an in my opinion.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think that it is possible she is enjoying being the center of attention from two (or more) men. It would be easy for her to have her boyfriend and keep you interested at the same time. It’s irresistible for any girl or very young woman.
I’m not saying she isn’t attracted to you, but it may be more about her ego than your obvious positive qualities.
Try to remember that Aspies don’t usually play games but that other people do all the time, so we have to learn how to protect our hearts without becoming cold and discouraged.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

My therapist today suggested to set boundaries, so I did. told her that if she wants something with me, she has to decide for herself and that I cannot cope with grey areas. I'm done. I am so done... all this stuff is so damn confusing that i want to just give up and live my life in a hole somewhere.

 

[Bolletje]

I would keep your distance. In a past relationship, I used to hang out with my boyfriend and his best friend (who was also his roommate) a lot. His roommate became my best friend, we started hanging out together as well, which was great for a few months until we ended up developing feelings for each other. We kept hanging out and joking about running off together.
When I broke up with my then-boyfriend a few months later, his best friend/roommate showed up at my house the next evening. He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. He wanted to be with me. We hung out like always, but this time we cuddled and - in an especially ****** move - we kissed when he left. The next day he felt guilty and told my ex what had happened. My ex flew into a white hot rage, refused to ever talk to me again and proceeded to evict his best friend. His best friend now blamed me for the split with his best friend, and denied having any feelings for me, saying I made a move on him. He then stopped talking to me and stopped answering my calls. My ex had a broken heart, I had a broken heart, and I'm not sure how the third guy felt because we never talked again. I lost a lot of friends over this too.
In the course of one evening this triangle managed to mess up the relationships of all people involved. I'm not saying this will definitely happen to you, I'm just saying it could very well happen. So yeah, I'd advice you to keep everything nice and platonic.

 

[ProfessorOptics]

yea, i've established a boundary stating that I cannot cope with grey areas, and that if she wants something with me, she will have to decide that herself. so on and so on... now i feel like i have upset her, and i don't know how or why. even though she responded positively to my message. now it's eating me up inside, and i don't know what to do about it....


maybe i should dig a hole for myself somewhere and bury myself.

 

[BraidedPony]

You did fine. Remember Aspies tend to worry about conversations long after it’s useful to do so. Also, if you are like me I get wound up for a few hours after seeing my therapist. So, try to do something you enjoy and know you did great.
If she has feelings about what you said then she can handle it herself, you know, being responsible for her own emotions.

 

[Autistamatic]

Maybe just leave it, stop obsessing over it, and let things progress naturally? You've made a positive move by establishing boundaries, now only time will tell. Fretting over it any more will only cause you unnecessary heartache. Find something to distract yourself, immerse yourself in something you enjoy or that interests you so that you can let nature take it's course

 

[ProfessorOptics]

Maybe just leave it, stop obsessing over it, and let things progress naturally? You've made a positive move by establishing boundaries, now only time will tell. Fretting over it any more will only cause you unnecessary heartache. Find something to distract yourself, immerse yourself in something you enjoy or that interests you so that you can let nature take it's course

yea, i tend to as best i can. it wasn't establishing boundaries that upset her. I made a joke she thought was serious, when it wasn't. She's upset because she thinks I'm mad at her, and I'm upset because she's mad at me... But eh, maybe i'm the aspie destined to a life of celibacy... loneliness.

 

[Autistamatic]

maybe i'm the aspie destined to a life of celibacy... loneliness.

No need to be so defeatist mate You're still young and you've just started to get a handle on this complex situation. This may still work out the way you want it to, but even if it doesn't, you've got a lot of life yet to meet your Miss Right. Many AS people don't meet their significant other until later in life, myself included (and plenty of NTs too). Don't let yourself sink into despair or fret over your joke-gone-wrong. Your destiny is not pre-ordained, it's in YOUR hands.

 

[Bolletje]

If all my misinterpreted jokes had had consequences as serious as the ones I always fret about, I would have been an involuntary hermit for years. But I still have friends, friendly family members and a boyfriend, because most people generally don’t obsess over the things someone else said. As opposed to the Aspie brain, which will dissect everything that has been said in a conversation and will then proceed to ruminate on that until certain doom seems the only possibly conclusion.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve taken a step back, which is good. Now try to shift your attention to something else, preferably something that relaxes you and improves your mood.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

I can't believe being a cuck is actually a thing now.

wow..

 

[ProfessorOptics]

well, i resolved the issue as to the girl in topic. She thought I was mad at her because of a comment i made, and that was why she was upset. she really wants to still remain friends, i think because we can communicate on different level, without much explanations. So, I shall ask her to be a wing-woman instead, and get her advice on girl stuff, and what I can do to increase my chances with the women I am interested in. I was suggested on another forum that i should probably try and find a mentor of sorts, preferably a woman, but not necessarily so. Someone who can help dissect things for me so I can better understand them. And she seems to fit the bill quite well. At least better than my other friends, who have a habit of sugar coating things too much.

So for now, I'll try and just be friends with her, have her help me hook up and meet someone right for me, which is great because she knows exactly what i'm looking for. I just won't go out of my way to reach out to her and what not. message her once in a while and leave her to do the rest. If it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, here's to hoping she helps me find someone i can connect with on the same level as her.

Only thing that worries me is holding back my emotions. I'm rarely aware of my emotional state at any given point, and hate having to hide myself.