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Featured In a very difficult, romantic situation.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by ProfessorOptics, Oct 10, 2018.

  1. ProfessorOptics

    ProfessorOptics Active Member

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    Okay, so in my intro I gave a brief outline of what's happening with me right now...

    So a week ago, I met my friends gf of 3 weeks. Right from the start, i've been able to communicate with her, and she just... gets me. She understands my challenges, and tries her best to help. She's even taken it upon herself to make sure I get sleep, and stuff, because my sleeping patterns are all over the place. Always have been, and probably always will. Routines don't work for me...

    Soon as I realized I was attracted to this girl, I approached my friend and told him. I then told her, and she said she felt the same, but she wants to try things out and see where things lead with my friend. My friend even gave me his blessing that should nothing work out between them, that I can go for it. But right now, I want to give them a chance.

    I've tried distancing myself... she doesn't want that, at all. Though she accepts it as being necessary for my sake. She cried when I told her I have to go and leave her alone, telling me she doesn't want me gone. Even my friend told me she loves me and it breaks her heart not having me in her life. I hate that. I hate that I developed a romantic attraction towards her, and I hate that I'm "that guy". I hate that I'm causing so much trouble, and causing pain for her, and him. I honestly don't know what to do in this situation...

    "the hard choice is often the right choice" but both choices are equally hard...

    I keep getting told to leave her be, distance myself and just "vanish". But I don't want that. At all. So I ended up asking her to be my wingwoman. Then at least, if i can't be with her, she may be able to help me find someone who connects with me the way she did.

    Also i should note, though i don't know if i'm just projecting my hopes, but she's not happy with him, and he's not treating her as he should. Yet she's loyal. Perhaps blindly so. She says she's fine, yet I can see it clearer than I see myself. My gut tells me she's not happy. And I can't help feel that my friend is taking her for a ride, leading her on because he doesn't have anyone else. She says she's fine, yet constantly comes to me, telling me things like: he's talking to his ex, he's bragging to his friends that they slept together and all that. Her words says she's fine, but her actions are telling me otherwise, and even if we're not meant to be... I can't help but hold a broken heart seeing her unhappy.

    Anyway... I know this aint a dating forum, and i don't intend to make it as such. But nowhere else understands the challenges, and I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. As to what i want to do.

    Sorry for the rant... or story...
     
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  2. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    How long has this been going on? Did you say that you met her a week ago?
     
  3. ProfessorOptics

    ProfessorOptics Active Member

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    yes, but we've been spending so much time together that it feels like we've known each other for several months. She's friends with my bro as well, so she is often at my house. I don't know how to explain it...
     
  4. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    As an outsider and an aspie, I would suggest a cold shower.

    Among our superpowers are intensity, sorry telling, making up whole universes in our heads and hyperfocus.

    There's a bunch of threads here along a similar vein and if you continue on this course you'll end up with a restraining order.

    No NT will feel this intensity and if you think they do, you are projecting. Additionally, the intensity you feel is very "you" centric. How she treats you, how she looks after you. You didn't mention a single thing about the girl herself.

    We're also very black and white. We're either into someone or won't talk to them.

    So instead, you need to pace yourself. If she is the one for you, then wait it out. Can down, take a breath and become friends. Don't scare her off, just exist in the zombie state that NTs live in for a while. Do this for a month and then decide on your next move.

    Does that make sense? :)
     
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  5. ProfessorOptics

    ProfessorOptics Active Member

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    you'll have to expand the quote... lol

    My blue response, is part of why I'm finding this so difficult. If she would just tell me she isn't interested in me that way, it would be so much easier. But she won't, and says she is interested.

    Man, i really wish i could upload my brain so you can get a first hand view on what i'm trying to explain, so you can see and explain to me what is actually going on. Or that i'm just being some creepy idiot. lol
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2018
  6. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know?

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    Hi Tony

    I don't necessarily think you're being creepy, or an idiot, but I do think you are caught up in a very complicated emotional situation which would confuse the hell out of most NTs, let alone someone on the spectrum. Being so singular in our mindsets and prone to misunderstanding emotional and social cues compounds the situation.
    I agree with pretty much everything @Bella Pines has said above. You will likely only achieve a good outcome by keeping your emotional distance until things change. OK - so she's part of your social circle, so physically avoiding her will not only be difficult, but could cause social waves that ripple out and do further damage, but you do have the choice to control your emotions and behaviour. It's bloody difficult for anyone to do, especially in a situation like you find yourself, but failure to do so might not only mean not getting the girl, it could harm your relationships with your friend and brother.
    You don't have to be frosty with her, but just make it clear that you are respecting the boundaries expected in your position until it changes. Be platonic friends, don't be over affectionate beyond what is socially appropriate, and don't talk too much about your feelings towards her. If all you say above is true then she will get fed up of her current boyfriend and move on so you'll get your chance. Doing anything to hasten that or to force the issue could easily blow up in your face and leave you tremendously hurt and even bluer than you are now.
    Nobody wants to see that happen :)
     
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  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    If you want to keep your friend, forget about his girlfriend. Messy situation in the making.
     
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  8. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yea, even though she seems nice, I wouldn't get in the middle of that. If anything wait and see how things pan out. But I'd probably run away if I were in the same situation.
     
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  9. Liam_

    Liam_ New Member

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    I personally think you're doing the best thing by distancing yourself from her because it shows your intentions are not to take her as your own from her friend, despite him offering. It can cause problems between your relationship between you and your friend, especially if you have a really good friendship to begin with. Although if she truly likes you more than your friend, it is likely their relationship will fall for their own reasons and not because of you. So it is better to distance yourself until the chance that they might break up.

    Just an in my opinion.
     
  10. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just another person V.I.P Member

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    I think that it is possible she is enjoying being the center of attention from two (or more) men. It would be easy for her to have her boyfriend and keep you interested at the same time. It’s irresistible for any girl or very young woman.
    I’m not saying she isn’t attracted to you, but it may be more about her ego than your obvious positive qualities.
    Try to remember that Aspies don’t usually play games but that other people do all the time, so we have to learn how to protect our hearts without becoming cold and discouraged.
     
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  11. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Have been in a similar situation in the past. Really cared about my boyfriend's best friend, but not romantically, as a good friend. He thought it was more than friendship, and had the wrong impression. I'm essentially the same way with most people close to me, male and female. He created a whole universe around my kindness, helpful nature, ability to listen uncritically.

    His girlfriend discovered his journals when she was wiping a second hard disc, on her backup system. They were a fantasy world. One in which he and I were together forever. Where I would leave my boyfriend for him and we would live happily ever after.

    The result was in the end, that the best friend became an acquaintance and then estranged. His girlfriend angry and hurt, she ended the long relationship they had together. And hated me, for somehow I was at fault for being kind to the guy. My boyfriend no longer trusted his best friend. That childhood friendship ended. A complete shambles in which everyone lost friends within our group and people disappeared and never returned.

    It was a mistake for the best friend to assume that I was in love with him. Because I was not, I was in love with my boyfriend and happy. And that happiness was part of what the best friend interpreted and attributed to himself. It was make-believe on his part. Reading too much into our conversations. How can one be in love with someone who they have had no physical contact or intimacy with? The worshiping from afar is imagination.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2018
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  12. ProfessorOptics

    ProfessorOptics Active Member

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    My therapist today suggested to set boundaries, so I did. told her that if she wants something with me, she has to decide for herself and that I cannot cope with grey areas. I'm done. I am so done... all this stuff is so damn confusing that i want to just give up and live my life in a hole somewhere.
     
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  13. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard

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    I would keep your distance. In a past relationship, I used to hang out with my boyfriend and his best friend (who was also his roommate) a lot. His roommate became my best friend, we started hanging out together as well, which was great for a few months until we ended up developing feelings for each other. We kept hanging out and joking about running off together.
    When I broke up with my then-boyfriend a few months later, his best friend/roommate showed up at my house the next evening. He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. He wanted to be with me. We hung out like always, but this time we cuddled and - in an especially shitty move - we kissed when he left. The next day he felt guilty and told my ex what had happened. My ex flew into a white hot rage, refused to ever talk to me again and proceeded to evict his best friend. His best friend now blamed me for the split with his best friend, and denied having any feelings for me, saying I made a move on him. He then stopped talking to me and stopped answering my calls. My ex had a broken heart, I had a broken heart, and I'm not sure how the third guy felt because we never talked again. I lost a lot of friends over this too.
    In the course of one evening this triangle managed to mess up the relationships of all people involved. I'm not saying this will definitely happen to you, I'm just saying it could very well happen. So yeah, I'd advice you to keep everything nice and platonic.
     
  14. ProfessorOptics

    ProfessorOptics Active Member

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    yea, i've established a boundary stating that I cannot cope with grey areas, and that if she wants something with me, she will have to decide that herself. so on and so on... now i feel like i have upset her, and i don't know how or why. even though she responded positively to my message. now it's eating me up inside, and i don't know what to do about it....


    maybe i should dig a hole for myself somewhere and bury myself.
     
  15. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just another person V.I.P Member

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    You did fine. Remember Aspies tend to worry about conversations long after it’s useful to do so. Also, if you are like me I get wound up for a few hours after seeing my therapist. So, try to do something you enjoy and know you did great.
    If she has feelings about what you said then she can handle it herself, you know, being responsible for her own emotions.
     
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  16. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know?

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    Maybe just leave it, stop obsessing over it, and let things progress naturally? You've made a positive move by establishing boundaries, now only time will tell. Fretting over it any more will only cause you unnecessary heartache. Find something to distract yourself, immerse yourself in something you enjoy or that interests you so that you can let nature take it's course :)
     
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  17. ProfessorOptics

    ProfessorOptics Active Member

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    yea, i tend to as best i can. it wasn't establishing boundaries that upset her. I made a joke she thought was serious, when it wasn't. She's upset because she thinks I'm mad at her, and I'm upset because she's mad at me... But eh, maybe i'm the aspie destined to a life of celibacy... loneliness.
     
  18. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know?

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    No need to be so defeatist mate :) You're still young and you've just started to get a handle on this complex situation. This may still work out the way you want it to, but even if it doesn't, you've got a lot of life yet to meet your Miss Right. Many AS people don't meet their significant other until later in life, myself included (and plenty of NTs too). Don't let yourself sink into despair or fret over your joke-gone-wrong. Your destiny is not pre-ordained, it's in YOUR hands.
     
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  19. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard

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    If all my misinterpreted jokes had had consequences as serious as the ones I always fret about, I would have been an involuntary hermit for years. But I still have friends, friendly family members and a boyfriend, because most people generally don’t obsess over the things someone else said. As opposed to the Aspie brain, which will dissect everything that has been said in a conversation and will then proceed to ruminate on that until certain doom seems the only possibly conclusion.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve taken a step back, which is good. Now try to shift your attention to something else, preferably something that relaxes you and improves your mood.
     
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  20. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If I still seem harsh or upset about the triangle that happened many years ago, it's because I lost a close girlfriend and my then boyfriend lost his best friend. They disappeared from our lives, and there was no way to repair the relationships. As much as we tried.

    Always felt as if I had done or said something that might have been misinterpreted. Over the years like the Aspie I am, I replayed everything that transpired ad infinitem. He ate dinner with with us a few nights per week, we all watched movies together on weekends. We went on hikes together with he and his girlfriend. We went on several camping trips altogether. We stayed up late many nights discussing ethics, politics, religion.

    There was never a time in which I flirted, overshared, or was physically attracted to him. He was like a close brother. But I should have known not to become too close. Because he wasn't my brother. Some males and some females seem to get the signals mixed up when it comes to friendship. And they misinterpret them or read too much into them. Since that time, I've been extremely careful not to give the wrong impression to men that are friends with my husband. I maintain a distance, a big one. Because apparently being myself around male friends can be misconstrued as something other than it is.
     
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