...but I'm giving up. I am so done.
let me guess; you feel you are worthless, your absolute best is not even sufficient. No one believes in you and, at best, you are just an annoyance to everyone around you. You feel you were born defective and not worthy of the world you are in. Etc., Etc., Etc...
I said, "let me guess", but actually this is not a guess. What I just wrote is not about you - I don't really know about you. What I just wrote is all about me. I just guess that perhaps you may feel the same way.
But, over the years, I have found that is all about perception. And perception is gauged by ones internal reference. When you feel like that, rest assured, regardless how real and matter-of-fact it all seems, it is not the reality.
I have felt like that for most of my 69 years. But, from this point in my life, as I look back through my years I can see that I do indeed have value. I am not entirely worthless and much of what I have done does have value. Yes, I do have deficiencies - lots of deficiencies, but I have also learned that being deficient is not a life killer. Without realizing it - until my 67th year - that my life turned out to be successful beyond my imagination for all of my previous life. I feel confident you may be in that same boat.
In those year I have learned that many (most) of my deficiencies, that has desperately depressed me, turned out to be major benefits. It's just so impossible to see in any particular moment.
Some of my favorite movies that inspire me, because they are movies about outcasts, defective or "different" people who, when left to their own elements, succeed beyond anyone's expectations:
"Down Periscope" a select group of deficient navy sailors intentionally assigned to a doomed mission. "Greatest Showman" a musical about a group of deformed freaks and outcast people creating the Greatest Show on Earth. "Oz the Great and Powerful" about a selfish con-man who discovers that his despicable trait is a skill that defeated very powerful foes. He learned the difference between Great and Good (Good being more powerful than Great). "The Mighty" about two "freaks" who's efforts result in mighty, good deeds (major tearjerker for me). These are just a few.
Indeed, life is hard. Really hard, but "hard" and "difficult" does not equal impossible. It's only difficult. You can do difficult things. Anyone can do difficult.
The point is, you are far greater than you think. Depression is a disease that distorts reality. You have to learn to not trust that distortion.
In all my years, I have learned that it is the sum of all your deficiencies that makes you perfect. That probably doesn't make sense to you at this point, but later in life, I think it will become clear.
Another movie I use for therapy is, "A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood".
