I'm feeling conflicted and unhappy with my family situation. May I have some validation and/or advice? (trigger warning, also, I think)

[autism-and-autotune]

To preface this, my fiance advises me to take charge of my own mental health and respect my own boundaries. I recognize too that I must do this but I hate that there is that subconscious pull in my gut that says 'standing up for yourself? How wrong! You can't do that!' Surely those brought up by demanding parents can relate.

My aunt passed away a month ago, and I've been 'invited' to the funeral. Rather than ask and inquire my father (subtly) is demanding that I show up--not even bothering to invite my fiance, nor expecting that they would or are able to come. 'If you're working at one of the schools, they won't stop you from coming.' While yes I wish I could be there to support my cousin and his family, it absolutely is awful that I must avoid two people for my own sake and therefore disconnect myself from the rest of the family.

It's tearing me in two because nobody in my family knows of my autism. I worry that nobody would believe me nor support me--my parents least of all, who are supposed to support you no matter what. And why should I endure the two of them, when they lashed out at both my sister and I physically while living under their roof? Why bother supporting someone who you used to be terrified of while growing up? One of the worst recollections about having written my life in journals is due to the fact that all the things I wanted to say out loud, I felt I could not. It's so conflicting to think that they supported our special interests and encouraged my sister and I as creators, but as people? As their children, and living, breathing human beings? Not so much.

My parents do not like my fiance, and hardly know anything about them. I love my fiance, and I respect their advice--I am staying home where I am accepted and safe. But I hate that part of my is contemplating why this must be so. I know that it's autism acceptance/awareness month; I wish I had the bravery to disclose this to my family via social media. But I worry about backlash and stereotypes and common phrases. I have my own home, my own love, and my own life; they cannot hurt me but I am still afraid of them.

Whenever I used to receive corporal punishment at the hands of my father, he called it 'going to the woodshed.' I never had broken bones nor scars nor anything physically permanent; do I care because this was most likely how he was treated as a child? No. I'm just...in awe because how can you, as a parent, make the choice to hit or spank your child and think nothing of it? One of my greatest worries is that I would have become physically abusive to my fiance as a result of what I endured as a child. My sister turns a blind eye to what happened to me and insists that I must support our father. What does she know? He never laid a finger on her and always protected her from our mother.

Maybe I just needed to vent; maybe my anxiety is bad because I'm hungry. At any rate, this feels good to write out. I never liked family gatherings as a child, where I was forced; in the freedom of adulthood I will choose because I have the option to do so.

*edit* I forgot to include my ideal response to my father: Neither of us can afford to take the time off from work right now. We will not be there. Give my best to everyone. If I keep saying nothing, it'll cause issues; if I say anything it'll cause issues. There is no winning with these people.

 

[Dom529]

If I can say - sorry that your family sound like assholes, your opinion + choice is completely validated & you can also call the aggrieved family (if you feel the need).

Well done for writing this out.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

If I can say - sorry that your family sound like assholes, your opinion + choice is completely validated & you can also call the aggrieved family (if you feel the need).

Well done for writing this out.

My parents, certainly---my extended family--I am unsure. I've done my mourning and planted a tree (anonymously) in her memory; something is better than outright ignoring those who never hurt me.

Thanks; it takes a lot of energy.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You need to consider yourself first. Not acquiescing to a father who did not provide the support you needed growing up seems reasonable to me. Expecting you to be there for others yet being negative towards your fiance is not proper at all and tells me he cares more about appearances than family bonding. you have every right not to let him bully you.

 

[Gerontius]

Sometimes you get one kid that was the target, and the other kid learns from that & is the "good kid" or something like that.
In my family, I was the one that got picked on by the parents; my brother learned to insulate himself from the stupidity and be the family Jack Horner, "oh what a good boy am I," and get through it all.

Happens to a lot of people. These are questions of etiquette at this point; I think your cousin might understand if you don't show up. It is a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead, but it sounds as if you also have to bury something with the living.

 

[Aspychata]

Or the other answer, I am sending my condolences however, due to financial restraints, l am unable to attend the funeral. Perhaps the funeral home can record, so we can attend online to show our support. Lots of places do this now, which is a nice touch.
I wonder how many adult children can truthfully address our parents. I was always brushed off, and my feelings were always discounted, to the point l learned to bury every single feeling l had. I now painfully bring up my feelings to those around me no matter what. Great you are not going. I am sorry for your loss and that your father has never supported you as a father.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I recognize too that I must do this but I hate that there is that subconscious pull in my gut that says 'standing up for yourself? How wrong! You can't do that!' Surely those brought up by demanding parents can relate.

Rather than ask and inquire my father (subtly) is demanding that I show up--not even bothering to invite my fiance, nor expecting that they would or are able to come.

It's tearing me in two because nobody in my family knows of my autism. I worry that nobody would believe me nor support me--my parents least of all, who are supposed to support you no matter what. And why should I endure the two of them, when they lashed out at both my sister and I physically while living under their roof? Why bother supporting someone who you used to be terrified of while growing up? One of the worst recollections about having written my life in journals is due to the fact that all the things I wanted to say out loud, I felt I could not. It's so conflicting to think that they supported our special interests and encouraged my sister and I as creators, but as people? As their children, and living, breathing human beings? Not so much.

Whenever I used to receive corporal punishment at the hands of my father, he called it 'going to the woodshed.' I never had broken bones nor scars nor anything physically permanent; do I care because this was most likely how he was treated as a child? No. I'm just...in awe because how can you, as a parent, make the choice to hit or spank your child and think nothing of it? One of my greatest worries is that I would have become physically abusive to my fiance as a result of what I endured as a child. My sister turns a blind eye to what happened to me and insists that I must support our father. What does she know? He never laid a finger on her and always protected her from our mother.

Maybe I just needed to vent; maybe my anxiety is bad because I'm hungry. At any rate, this feels good to write out. I never liked family gatherings as a child, where I was forced; in the freedom of adulthood I will choose because I have the option to do so.

*edit* I forgot to include my ideal response to my father: Neither of us can afford to take the time off from work right now. We will not be there. Give my best to everyone. If I keep saying nothing, it'll cause issues; if I say anything it'll cause issues. There is no winning with these people.

Sounds a lot like my parents and family. Same issues. I was born in 1967. Like most kids of that era, our parents were the post-WW2 "boomers". On one hand, their parents grew up during the Great Depression as children, then went to war, they were about living a hard life, expected to work and support the family, and were disciplined harshly. They lived through things that we have no comprehension. Their children, your grand parents, the "boomers" lived through the Cold War, the Civil Rights Movements, Korea, Vietnam conflicts, oil embargo, and the introduction of recreational drugs, etc. They still dealt with a lot, but still had their parents, who were, for the most part, very strict, duty bound, responsible, codes of conduct, social manners, conservative values, and disciplined harshly. My generation, we were pretty much feral. Lord of the Flies. We solved conflicts with physical violence. We were little butt holes as children. We were out of the house by 7am and we rarely came home before dinner at 5-6pm. Our parents had zero idea where we were at or what we were doing. We raised ourselves, but the little time we actually spent near the home, was again, for the most part, very strict, duty bound, responsible, codes of conduct, social manners, conservative values, and disciplined harshly. We were a mix of the "old world" and the "new world". No excuses. No victims. Shut up and do your job. For sure, if you start something with me, I WILL end it, and you won't like it. So, I told you THAT, so I can tell you THIS:

My generation, as parents, are literally the first generation that even questioned the idea that we shouldn't engage in physical punishments. Up until then, the neighbor lady could swat a kid on the butt for being naughty, and our mother's would thank her for doing it! Literally every school office had a wooden paddle hanging on the principle's door. This was our world.

We didn't have any concept of what mental health was, except you were "crazy" and you went to the "loony bin". There were not homeless people wandering around. There were not people with mental health issues causing havoc. A white van showed up, two men jumped out, threw them in the van, and hauled them off the street never to be seen again. That was the norm.

So, I think you're judging another generation by today's social norms, which is not appropriate. Back in the day, parents were NOT expected to support their children "no matter what". In fact, quite the opposite. Their job was to raise a "good citizen", and if that meant, making them learn "life lessons the hard way", then so be it. We never, ever had a parent advocate for us. I don't recall anyone's parents doing that.

My father died before he knew of my autism. My mother knows, but she no longer speaks to me. My sisters no longer speak to me. Frankly, I don't know if my mother is alive or dead. I have no contact with any of them, and I am OK with that. Unless I am writing about it like I am now, I don't give it a thought.

Just some perspective. I understand what you are saying, but put things into context. You are not your parents. They are not going to change. Move along, eyes forward, nothing to see back there.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Or the other answer, I am sending my condolences however, due to financial restraints, l am unable to attend the funeral. Perhaps the funeral home can record, so we can attend online to show our support. Lots of places do this now, which is a nice touch.
I wonder how many adult children can truthfully address our parents. I was always brushed off, and my feelings were always discounted, to the point l learned to bury every single feeling l had. I now painfully bring up my feelings to those around me no matter what. Great you are not going. I am sorry for your loss and that your father has never supported you as a father.

Ah, I like your suggestion--however any mention of 'financial restraints' (be it true or false, currently true) would cause both my parents to panic and pester me even more.

Yeah, I wonder that too. I was always told 'no' while growing up, yet I could never say 'no' to them without getting their feelings hurt. Then I should ask myself: do I care if the people who hurt me have their feelings hurt by me? I don't like to hurt people--intentionally or otherwise. My compassion at this point feels obligated.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Sometimes you get one kid that was the target, and the other kid learns from that & is the "good kid" or something like that.
In my family, I was the one that got picked on by the parents; my brother learned to insulate himself from the stupidity and be the family Jack Horner, "oh what a good boy am I," and get through it all.

Happens to a lot of people. These are questions of etiquette at this point; I think your cousin might understand if you don't show up. It is a corporal work of mercy to bury the dead, but it sounds as if you also have to bury something with the living.

Your final sentence..wow.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

You need to consider yourself first. Not acquiescing to a father who did not provide the support you needed growing up seems reasonable to me. Expecting younto be there for others yet beingbnegative towards your fiance is not proper at alland tells me he cares more about appearances than family bonding. you ha1ve every right not to let him bully you.

Well, isn't some part of autism all about self-preservation?

of course--it's all about how things look, and not how things are. I've never actually put my foot down with my father; never too late to do a thing, eh?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Sounds a lot like my parents and family. Same issues. I was born in 1967. Like most kids of that era, our parents were the post-WW2 "boomers". On one hand, their parents grew up during the Great Depression as children, then went to war, they were about living a hard life, expected to work and support the family, and were disciplined harshly. They lived through things that we have no comprehension. Their children, your grand parents, the "boomers" lived through the Cold War, the Civil Rights Movements, Korea, Vietnam conflicts, oil embargo, and the introduction of recreational drugs, etc. They still dealt with a lot, but still had their parents, who were, for the most part, very strict, duty bound, responsible, codes of conduct, social manners, conservative values, and disciplined harshly. My generation, we were pretty much feral. Lord of the Flies. We solved conflicts with physical violence. We were little butt holes as children. We were out of the house by 7am and we rarely came home before dinner at 5-6pm. Our parents had zero idea where we were at or what we were doing. We raised ourselves, but the little time we actually spent near the home, was again, for the most part, very strict, duty bound, responsible, codes of conduct, social manners, conservative values, and disciplined harshly. We were a mix of the "old world" and the "new world". No excuses. No victims. Shut up and do your job. For sure, if you start something with me, I WILL end it, and you won't like it. So, I told you THAT, so I can tell you THIS:

My generation, as parents, are literally the first generation that even questioned the idea that we shouldn't engage in physical punishments. Up until then, the neighbor lady could swat a kid on the butt for being naughty, and our mother's would thank her for doing it! Literally every school office had a wooden paddle hanging on the principle's door. This was our world.

We didn't have any concept of what mental health was, except you were "crazy" and you went to the "loony bin". There were not homeless people wandering around. There were not people with mental health issues causing havoc. A white van showed up, two men jumped out, threw them in the van, and hauled them off the street never to be seen again. That was the norm.

So, I think you're judging another generation by today's social norms, which is not appropriate. Back in the day, parents were NOT expected to support their children "no matter what". In fact, quite the opposite. Their job was to raise a "good citizen", and if that meant, making them learn "life lessons the hard way", then so be it. We never, ever had a parent advocate for us. I don't recall anyone's parents doing that.

My father died before he knew of my autism. My mother knows, but she no longer speaks to me. My sisters no longer speak to me. Frankly, I don't know if my mother is alive or dead. I have no contact with any of them, and I am OK with that. Unless I am writing about it like I am now, I don't give it a thought.

Just some perspective. I understand what you are saying, but put things into context. You are not your parents. They are not going to change. Move along, eyes forward, nothing to see back there.

I really do appreciate your perspective. May I ask: what did it feel like to have a sort of lightbulb moment and realize "Oh, hitting my kids is wrong?" Or am I reading things wrong and you don't have children?

Sounds like a lot of folks in your generation are suffering from a bunch of emotional wounds--and of course the generations before you. But I also think...to be so stuck in ways of the past and not consider...well, adapting with the times? I'm curious on your thought of judging a former generation on today's norms...but the more I read, the more I get it. I'm still bothered by it though. This whole thing bothers me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Well, isn't some part of autism all about self-preservation?

of course--it's all about how things look, and not how things are. I've never actually put my foot down with my father; never too late to do a thing, eh?

I don't know about self preservation. I was whipsawed by expectations such that I did not know how to advocate for myself. It took work to develop my agency. Maybe this could be your first step in advocating that people treat you and your fiancee decently.

 

[AO1501]

.....My aunt passed away a month ago, and I've been 'invited' to the funeral. Rather than ask and inquire my father (subtly) is demanding that I show up--not even bothering to invite my fiance, nor expecting that they would or are able to come. 'If you're working at one of the schools, they won't stop you from coming.' While yes I wish I could be there to support my cousin and his family, it absolutely is awful that I must avoid two people for my own sake and therefore disconnect myself from the rest of the family.

..... I have my own home, my own love, and my own life; they cannot hurt me but I am still afraid of them.

As a sentient, capable, individual, leading your own life, with your own home, and your own relationships, no person has any right to demand anything of you. A reasonable person would ask, and explain why the request was important (to them, or perhaps to you) and understand that whether you agreed or did not, it was entirely up to you.

'Inviting' you and not your boyfriend is controlling behavior, meant to separate you from your chosen life and subjugate you back into the family control you chose to leave, and you really don't need your father, or anyone else, to do your thinking for you as to whether you can or can't attend, or whether you do or don't wish to.

Your boyfriend is right, you have to take charge and set your own boundaries.

A point worth considering also is that any and every time you give in to the expectations of family, who may or may not have your best interests at heart, you make is harder to escape them and easier for them to dig their fingers into you and your life next time, and the one after, and then after that.

Personally, I would respond by declining any invitation that does not include your boyfriend as a matter of course, and in due respect to your choices. Only if he is invited would you consider any invitation to be well meaning and intended for you to seriously consider.

There is no shortage of abusive parents (and other family members) in the world, but having escaped, there is no reason at all to put yourself and your mental health back in harm's way.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

As a sentient, capable, individual, leading your own life, with your own home, and your own relationships, no person has any right to demand anything of you. A reasonable person would ask, and explain why the request was important (to them, or perhaps to you) and understand that whether you agreed or did not, it was entirely up to you.

'Inviting' you and not your boyfriend is controlling behavior, meant to separate you from your chosen life and subjugate you back into the family control you chose to leave, and you really don't need your father, or anyone else, to do your thinking for you as to whether you can or can't attend, or whether you do or don't wish to.

Your boyfriend is right, you have to take charge and set your own boundaries.

A point worth considering also is that any and every time you give in to the expectations of family, who may or may not have your best interests at heart, you make is harder to escape them and easier for them to dig their fingers into you and your life next time, and the one after, and then after that.

Personally, I would respond by declining any invitation that does not include your boyfriend as a matter of course, and in due respect to your choices. Only if he is invited would you consider any invitation to be well meaning and intended for you to seriously consider.

There is no shortage of abusive parents (and other family members) in the world, but having escaped, there is no reason at all to put yourself and your mental health back in harm's way.

You're right; it would be reasonable to ask and not command; not expect. He did neither of those things.

Thank you for super-analyzing what he wrote. It makes sense now. Someone outside looking in might say "Ah but he's grieving and grief does odd things to people; maybe he's not himself!" No, he's definitely himself.

True, true; narcissists are famous for securing their trust in someone by luring them with false words or promises, only to hurt you in some other way--or love-bomb so you 'forget' their bad behaviour.

Yeah--them not inviting my fiance is really really troublesome. Golly. Just...so so much I wish I could just say to my parents. You're right with your final point too; no reason to go and find harm if you're fine just where you are. What a sad, psychological mess my whole darn family is.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I don't know about self preservation. I was whipsawed by expectations such that I did not know how to advocate for myself. It took work to develop my agency. Maybe this could be your first step in advocating that people treat you and your fiancee decently.

Hmm--I understand where you're coming from.

First step? Yes; the first step is always the hardest. I mean, there have been many baby-first steps since we moved in together, like not going to anything father's/mother's day related, or not calling them over two Christmases, or even better--tearing up their Christmas card from this past year. Why won't they just get that they did things wrong to me and this is why I don't want them in my life?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I really do appreciate your perspective. May I ask: what did it feel like to have a sort of lightbulb moment and realize "Oh, hitting my kids is wrong?" Or am I reading things wrong and you don't have children?

Sounds like a lot of folks in your generation are suffering from a bunch of emotional wounds--and of course the generations before you. But I also think...to be so stuck in ways of the past and not consider...well, adapting with the times? I'm curious on your thought of judging a former generation on today's norms...but the more I read, the more I get it. I'm still bothered by it though. This whole thing bothers me.

I raised two boys. Now 27 and 29 years old. Both successful in their engineering careers. Very proud of them both.

As far as physical punishments for my boys, I can say that what I did do was quite tempered, and most of it was just to get their attention when they were really little. A little swat on the butt, mostly to scare them into attention, etc. I never actually spanked them with a belt or anything like that. My wife and I agreed that once they got old enough to understand "boundaries and privileges" that we could manipulate behaviors without resorting to physical interventions. There was never really a "lightbulb moment".

I don't think people our generation are "suffering emotional wounds". Literally, all of that, those are new generation things. Granted, a percentage of those that saw military combat had legitimate PTSD, but for the most part, we were never that emotionally connected to have emotional wounds. Life was what it was and there wasn't "trauma". Language like "trauma", "emotional wounds", "triggering", "safe spaces", and the like, seriously, that is a recent generational thing that most never experienced, most were oblivious to those things, never gave it a thought.

So, again, there is a disconnect when discussions like this occur. Many older folks just don't have those thoughts, at all. Even as someone with an ASD, many of us just dealt with things and never thought of seeking "help".

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I raised two boys. Now 27 and 29 years old. Both successful in their engineering careers. Very proud of them both.

As far as physical punishments for my boys, I can say that what I did do was quite tempered, and most of it was just to get their attention when they were really little. A little swat on the butt, mostly to scare them into attention, etc. I never actually spanked them with a belt or anything like that. My wife and I agreed that once they got old enough to understand "boundaries and privileges" that we could manipulate behaviors without resorting to physical interventions. There was never really a "lightbulb moment".

I don't think people our generation are "suffering emotional wounds". Literally, all of that, those are new generation things. Granted, a percentage of those that saw military combat had legitimate PTSD, but for the most part, we were never that emotionally connected to have emotional wounds. Life was what it was and there wasn't "trauma". Language like "trauma", "emotional wounds", "triggering", "safe spaces", and the like, seriously, that is a recent generational thing that most never experienced, most were oblivious to those things, never gave it a thought.

So, again, there is a disconnect when discussions like this occur. Many older folks just don't have those thoughts, at all. Even as someone with an ASD, many of us just dealt with things and never thought of seeking "help".

I want to applaud you in your second paragraph; good on you, seriously. You and your wife. Maybe if my parents had had any shred of intellect which you both have...well, I'd not be where I am.

Hmm, okay; you've convinced me. I understand better what you mean now.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I raised two boys. Now 27 and 29 years old. Both successful in their engineering careers. Very proud of them both.

As far as physical punishments for my boys, I can say that what I did do was quite tempered, and most of it was just to get their attention when they were really little. A little swat on the butt, mostly to scare them into attention, etc. I never actually spanked them with a belt or anything like that. My wife and I agreed that once they got old enough to understand "boundaries and privileges" that we could manipulate behaviors without resorting to physical interventions. There was never really a "lightbulb moment".

I don't think people our generation are "suffering emotional wounds". Literally, all of that, those are new generation things. Granted, a percentage of those that saw military combat had legitimate PTSD, but for the most part, we were never that emotionally connected to have emotional wounds. Life was what it was and there wasn't "trauma". Language like "trauma", "emotional wounds", "triggering", "safe spaces", and the like, seriously, that is a recent generational thing that most never experienced, most were oblivious to those things, never gave it a thought.

So, again, there is a disconnect when discussions like this occur. Many older folks just don't have those thoughts, at all. Even as someone with an ASD, many of us just dealt with things and never thought of seeking "help".

Oh, I think there were emotional wounds. Early baby-boomer here and I agree that we were expected to deal with things and learn autonomy. Yet, I had a desire to "belong", to fit in, and when I was socially isolated as a teen, and then felt sexually isolated as a young adult, I hurt terribly. It was traumatic for me, and with my skills, were this happening to me today, I could have easily embraced going the route of mass murder against the most vulnerable in our society, as Adam Lanza did. Decades later, reminders of those times would have me inhabit the mind of that unhappy, hurting, young man, so triggers are real.

 

[Gerontius]

Hey, I've got one: all that "new generation" stuff is probably increased literacy on these topics, as the science of psychology matures along with the words we use to describe things. I guaran-damn-tee you if you take classes in the arts, in history, or in the history of the arts, you see the exact same effects of peoples' minds at work, but you also see them described using different language.
Edit: To make things perfectly clear. I grew up with parents who were not the most emotionally stable people in the world, and I do not have a functioning relationship with my father. I have lived in fear, of one form or another, since I was about 13 or 14.

@NeonatalRRT in none of your text do I see anything about a life higher than the animal level. The human being is perfectly capable of living in a life higher than this, and I do not believe I would be able to forgive myself if I raised sons & daughters on the old "authoritarian" principles (which, as you self-report on the older childhoods, seems to be no principles apart from conformity & seeing what you can get away with.) It is better to be of Athens than of Sparta. Good-day.

 

[Rodafina]

Just...so so much I wish I could just say to my parents.

Could you write them a letter? Whether or not you decide to give it to them in the end could be a decision for a later date. But writing down exactly what you really wish to tell them could help you understand things better and possibly be cathartic as well.

my ideal response to my father: Neither of us can afford to take the time off from work right now. We will not be there. Give my best to everyone.

This sounds pretty good to me. Direct, simple, and no back-and-forth necessary.