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I’m confused about my relationship

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by NiniS29, Feb 22, 2020.

  1. NiniS29

    NiniS29 Active Member

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    First of I wanted to thank everyone who helped me and shared there advice.

    like I posted in the headline I’m beginning to get very confused about everything. I’m dating a great guy For almost 4 years . He is on the spectrum but he doesn’t want to hear or deal with the term autism as it seems. He gets more and more different . Wich I understand is due to being comfortable one one side and just be who he is. Because I suspect now that the person befor was how he thought he should be around me.


    Well since it’s our both birthday this week. His Today and mine in 2 days I started to think and recall all the times together and stuff. We are long distance and probably our first birthday apart since we started dating 4 years ago. He is on a gig wich he was excited and practicing for so long.

    2 years ago he said he wanted to start a
    family when he is 39 and was very open and loving. He said he didn’t want to be a old dad.
    Now he turns 38 and is a different person he seems to be withdrawing and disconnected from every emotion that has to doe with love or such.
    But he is also very caring and seems to pay attention to stuff I’m saying ,when I’m in need of an answer or help he is there for you wich just shows me what a great person he is. And how lucky I am.

    thought I am scared that the man I know will disappear completely more and more.
    Into someone who just functions and actually doesn’t like to be touched can’t handle anyone be around freaks out or such. He works hard to deal with situations I know I see. And I begin to understand his few and stuff and after all that happend he tries to slowly fix it things take time I know.
    But I wonder if it Also was my fault because I moved in with him in his small apartment wich he was first unsure of but it was his idea.
    Because after that move all his trades popped out and I saw that he was completely different than I thought. Things he couldn’t control meltdowns wich he didn’t understand and still thought it had to doe with me like I’m here meltdown was here never befor when I was alone.

    I felt like if I never went to him it all would never happend and he wouldn’t have became that uncomfortable in everything, withdrawn , doesn’t like touch all of a sudden but he bares with it I can see how uncomfortable he is and also he seems to be ashamed to tell me that I can see his struggle when he just wants to hold hands, loud noises he doesn’t like and he got some baby’s now in his family and he calls it a nightmare because of the noise. He hates queues and to many people and gets angry and nervous if plans change or are different. Has this thing where he picks his lips until bleeding when he gets nervous or uneasy.
    Just a few things but still he says he is ok.

    min so worried about everything, also since we are long distance it’s hard I still miss him a lot and I hope I’n 2 years I eventually can move back at least to his city in my own apartment this time so we can see each other more often not every day of course.
    but I hope to get our relationship back or at least him to open up. It feels like he bares with everything just because of me . And actually he is so uncomfortable with much more.

    but I still hope there is a future together and when he accepts things and is open for them he might feel better to. And we might can get a place together one day.
    I know he is struggling with everything and he said the time living was great but the place was to small and his meltdowns freaked him out because he never experienced things like this also so intense.
    But he is anxious about the future if that would happen again in a bigger place.

    I know it’s very long I’m sorry.
    But one one hand I begin to understand how he sees stuff and on the other side I see how he is struggling and prefers to avoid just everything because if you can’t see it it can’t hurt you right.
    Also I realised when I was said yesterday and told him about my feelings that I miss him he just messaged after a few hours he didn’t get my message and it made no sense to him and he couldn’t process it. Wich showed me he couldn’t understand my feelings.
    i just did write him that I would miss him and on the other hand I didn’t want to disturb him whilst he is so busy with his work and music and stuff. But im jealous about the people around who get so much presence of him and how lucky they were.


    I just feel so lost at the moment of what will happen ,what has happened and the guilt of if it was me who did this to him?
    I always tried my best for him when I was around but it did seem to be wrong but I didn’t understand or knee until the very end befor I went back it was autism I would have done things differently,.


    mit feels like I blew it. And now In my head it’s like where are we now
    what will happen? I see him in summer for 2 weeks. I’m going back to his for holiday and spending time but now I get anxious of going back there because I’m scared of what will happen or if something will again or if everything will be actually fine.

    I don’t know anymore he is such a great guy
     
    • Useful Useful x 1
  2. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    He sounds hard work! Have you ever thought about exploring other options? Or does this suit you at present? If it does, fine. If not, join some classes and maybe a therapy group, explore your options...
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. NiniS29

    NiniS29 Active Member

    Messages:
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    Joined:
    May 13, 2019
    Karma:
    +78


    mit is kind of hard work because he now reacts differently to things than he did befor years ago. Like a different easily startled person I would say and he doesn’t seem to get things when it comes to emotions. He has a weird way sometimes wich is hard for me to get but now slowly I understand him a bit. I thought about it many times but I love this man very much and other than that we are good together but he seems like he is lost in himself. I don’t know if he know or wants to accept he has clearly a form of autism or if he fights against it or ignores it just in hope it goes away. I feel like a bit confused and stuck and don’t know what to doe. I’m in Austria for the next 1 1/2 years and than I should be back in the uk. Hopefully. He is tricky but I think if he would start to understand that it’s not me who is a situation triggering monster or such because he blamed everything on the flat and me befor I went and now he just said it was mental from his side.

    I want to be with him but don’t know how or if. And I was looking for groups or therapy or such because of autism to get to understand or get advice from a doctor how to handle the situation but here it’s hard to find. I’m very confused at the moment and he is gone now for a bit wich means won’t hear much from him aether also I don’t want to frazzle him since he is busy and doesn’t get what I’m saying anyway
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  4. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I read as far as paragraph 3 where you said this is a long distance relationship.

    I wish you luck, but I'm not investing my time in any advice, since my bias is, long distance relationships rarely work.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. NiniS29

    NiniS29 Active Member

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    I understand your point but we lived together and it should be just a 2 jears thing wich means 1. And 1/2 more than I’m back in his city
     
  6. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Some of us on the spectrum just can never feel comfortable living with someone else,
    even if we love them.
    It is stressful and, speaking for myself, I can never feel relaxed or just be myself.
    Always have the other person on my mind and how they accept how I act or wondering what they
    are really thinking about me.

    I am living with someone currently due to financial difficulties, but, it is not a good relationship.
    Sometimes we get along, other times he insults me and even lies as to what he said or did.
    He'll deny things and tell me it's just my take on what happened and I'm twisting it so I can be right.

    Even with relationships that were not this bad, they always ended in time.
    Seeing someone as a friend or dating was different. But, having them in the same house
    24/7 just doesn't make it.
     
    • Like Like x 1