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I would... If I Were...

If I could shrink to the size of a Borrower,
my current bed would be enormous, my
grocery bill would be smaller, and the cats
would look at me in ways I think I'd prefer
they'd not.

If I were a flying orca with pink wings, I'd...
 
If I could speak Urdu, read Urdu, and write Urdu,
I could complete tasks on Amazon's MTurk and be
fabulously underpaid for the effort.

If I were the Queen of Oz, I'd...
 
banish any so-called wizards from the queendom.

If I were a citizen of Iowa...
 
I'd live in Okoboji, purely because it's an excellent name and the Google images pic of the city is a giant ferris wheel.

If my hair was as ridiculous as Donald Trump's...
 
I would be a celebrity or possibly homeless.
To sport a ridiculous style a person has to be
powerful or powerless.

If I were a rye pancake I'd...
 
...get people drunk at breakfast.

If I were to happen by the urgent care centre tonight...
 
If I had a pet sloth.... we could hang around together all day.

If I bought a new alarm clock ....
 
You could use it with your old alarm clock, and be 'alarmed' in stereo.


If I swallowed a dictionary...
 
she would congratulate you on having made your 1000th post on AC.
Cats keep up on stuff like that.

If I were on the moon I'd....
 
You would wear a Donald Trump mask, while
talking like Donald Duck to convince everyone
that you were making a legitimate withdrawal.

If I were certain of the outcome, I'd...
 
...win a bunch of money on the Super Bowl.

If I were a securities regulator, I would...
 
...I'd not be posting on this board because I'd no longer have hands.

If I somehow participated in the Tournament of Hearts...
 
...I'd be one of a chosen few.

If I had access to the Gatorade at the Super Bowl...
 
...I'd spend the following day doing red/blue/otherwise abnormally-coloured wee wees!
If I could communicate with Aardvarks...
 
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