I would... If I Were...

[tree]

If I could shrink to the size of a Borrower,
my current bed would be enormous, my
grocery bill would be smaller, and the cats
would look at me in ways I think I'd prefer
they'd not.

If I were a flying orca with pink wings, I'd...

 

[metalminx24]

...I'd hum the theme tune to The Moomins while knitting a woolly hat with my fins.

If I could speak Urdu...

 

[tree]

If I could speak Urdu, read Urdu, and write Urdu,
I could complete tasks on Amazon's MTurk and be
fabulously underpaid for the effort.

If I were the Queen of Oz, I'd...

 

[Flinty]

banish any so-called wizards from the queendom.

If I were a citizen of Iowa...

 

[metalminx24]

I'd live in Okoboji, purely because it's an excellent name and the Google images pic of the city is a giant ferris wheel.

If my hair was as ridiculous as Donald Trump's...

 

[tree]

I would be a celebrity or possibly homeless.
To sport a ridiculous style a person has to be
powerful or powerless.

If I were a rye pancake I'd...

 

[Flinty]

...get people drunk at breakfast.

If I were to happen by the urgent care centre tonight...

 

[metalminx24]

...I would hope it was empty because everyone was ok.

If I had a pet sloth...

 

[zurb]

If I had a pet sloth.... we could hang around together all day.

If I bought a new alarm clock ....

 

[Vinca]

You could use it with your old alarm clock, and be 'alarmed' in stereo.


If I swallowed a dictionary...

 

[metalminx24]

...I'd have to add some flavouring first, otherwise I'd find it a little bland.

If my cat could speak English...

 

[tree]

she would congratulate you on having made your 1000th post on AC.
Cats keep up on stuff like that.

If I were on the moon I'd....

 

[metalminx24]

...be hopeful that my spacesuit was better than the £7.95 I spent on it at the fancy dress shop.

If I were to rob a bank...

 

[tree]

You would wear a Donald Trump mask, while
talking like Donald Duck to convince everyone
that you were making a legitimate withdrawal.

If I were certain of the outcome, I'd...

 

[Flinty]

...win a bunch of money on the Super Bowl.

If I were a securities regulator, I would...

 

[metalminx24]

...wonder why I regularly felt so insecure.

If I told some people my honest opinion of them...

 

[Flinty]

...I'd not be posting on this board because I'd no longer have hands.

If I somehow participated in the Tournament of Hearts...

 

[metalminx24]

...I'd lose, because I'm rubbish at anything competitive.

If I went on holiday to Kyrgyzstan...

 

[Flinty]

...I'd be one of a chosen few.

If I had access to the Gatorade at the Super Bowl...

 

[metalminx24]

...I'd spend the following day doing red/blue/otherwise abnormally-coloured wee wees!
If I could communicate with Aardvarks...